Child Mimics Bad Cousin Behavior

My son, who is now 22, had this problem as well. I had a nephew who was a TERIBLE influence on him. I was a single mom living with my parents, so it wasn't like we could avoid them when they came over. So what I did was if I caught him behaving in a way that he knew was wrong, I made him sit on the couch for 5 or 10 minutes by himself. Of course the other kids got to play and NEVER got in trouble, but it was important to me that he learn that behaving that way would not be accepted. My sisters would say I was being to harsh on him, and kids will be kids, but I wasn't having it. I always stuck to my guns. After everyone would leave he and I would sit and talk about what happened and why it happened. Ending every conversation with an apology from him and a hug and kisses from me.
Now he is 22, the first grandchild to graduate college and a very bright future. The cousin is completely lost, on his 3rd marriage(at the age of 24) and doesn't really have a job.
Hope that helps, remember stick to your guns, it is the best thing you can do for your daughter. It may not feel good at the time, but it pays off in the end.

teach your daughter about standing up for herself, and how to remove herself from a situation in which she is being bullied. it's her cousin now, but one day it will be someone from school, church, playground, sports or a neighborhood kid, so take the opportunity to show her how to deal with it, and then keep doing what you have been. also, have a chat with the cousin's parents. just a simple, "Hey, let's work together to keep them friendly with each other, and could you jump in and help me separate and teach them when he/she starts to act this way." Go in with some ideas and hopefully, they won't think you are being overbearing.

I agree with the Moms about being consistent with discipline. My daughter has a little friend that is a bad influence on her and I have resorted to limiting their time together. When we do get together and if he does something unacceptable, I will say things like, "Siena isn't allowed to use bathroom talk - please stop" or "We don't hit." Oftentimes, his mom will follow suit but if she remains quiet then at least I've sort of done the disciplining. When it gets out of hand, I just say, "OK we have to go!" and just leave. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for your child regardless of family dynamic. Very unfortunate :(

I have a similar problem. Luckily this bratty cousin of my daughter's lives in Texas so we rarely see each other. But when they visit here, or vice versa, I get really worried and stressed how that cousin treats my daughter. She is bratty, selfish, and immature. A lot of what you describe is typical how this cousin behaves as well. It's all about upbringing; her parents obviously allow her to get away with that behavior. Similarly my niece is allowed to get away with that behavior as well from her parents..
I agree with the others, keep disclipline and do not hesitate to tell that cousin to behave herself when she gets out of line (especially if she is at your house ie "We dont say or do things like that in this house"). And teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Get her involved with other friends and classmates in playgroups and stuff so she doesn't always have to hang out with her cousin. check out www.meetup.com for playgroups in your area. Good luck, because I struggle with the same issue :-(

The best thing you can do is give her a consequence. You & your husband need to sit her down and explain that her cousin's behavior is unacceptable. (we have this problem with the boy next door & my daughter) You cannot realisiticly take away a visit to her grandparents...not fair to the rest of your family & her grandparents. You need to take away something that she loves at home. Wether it's video games, tv time, computer time, having her friends over, or her going to a friends house. This way you are only punishing her. Once she understands what you expect, and the consequence that will occur if she does not behave, the discussed privilege should be taken away as soon as possible when you arrive home. This will work if you find something that she loves and really stick to what you say you are going to do. That is hard because there will be a lot of whining and crying and telling you that she promises it will never happen again (don't back down with that one, not even once)....you need to stick to your decision and she will understand that you are serious about her changing her behavior. Once she realizes that her bad behavior is making life miserable for her and no one else, she will stop. Deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong, but if she is not shown the consequences for bad behavior it will continue. I know you don't want to rock the boat with the family..we've all been there at one time or another, but if she says something like "well Mary is doing it" then you need to just say out loud (don't worry about who hears it) "I don't care what Mary is doing you know that is not okay in our house". Chin up ....being a stay at home mom is a good thing, a very tough job at time but good thing. We all have our times when it seems like "why?" but really it will be okay. If you were working full time and behavior like this occurred you might be too tired or not around enough to notice or care. Be glad that you know what is going on with your kids and that you really want to do something to correct it. :)

You may have to accept the fact that your relationships with this child and her parents will be and actually are being affected by this child's behavior and the failure of her parents to intervene appropriately. If you continue to hang on to the illusion of family harmony within your extended family then you risk creating a real problem for your immediate family. I don't see why everyone lays down for this difficult cousin - but if that is not going to change I think you need to choose between raising your daughter in an appropriate environment or keeping the peace with everyone else. Its not fair to your daughter to allow her to be placed in such a difficult position. So if it were me I would limit the visits to big holidays (2x/year) and explain to your family that the separation really pains you but you have to do what's best for your children.

Kids are going to mimic behaviors they see, just to try them on for size. And as a parent you have to quickly respond and give consequences for bad behavior and if they are old enough, explain why we don't do that behavior.
So whether it's family of day care or school - your child is going to be around other kids who may exhibit poor behavior and at time you child will exhibit poor behavior. It's part of being a kid. You just have to keep training you child to behave in ways that are socially acceptable and in ways that arre positive and productive.

It sounds like the older cousin is pulling rank and being kind of mean. That might just be the older cousins personality too. It sounds like nobody wants to redirect this older cousin. So as long as the adults let the older cousin be in charge, nothing is going to change.

In my family, it's understood that whoever sees one of the kids behaving inappropriately addresses it immediately. We all discipline each others kids and it's not a problem because if we are going to spend so much time together we need to be able to step in with the kids when needed. We all use similiar techniques for discipline so it's never a problem.

Continue to be consistent with your discipline..its frustrating. Eventually your daughter will catch on that type of behavior is not acceptable.
Its a shame your niece/nephew has such bratty behavior. Hang in there.

Hi,

I hope none of this comes accross as defensive so, if I ues you it is not to accuse:) because parenting is the hardest job and I am not judging. First placing blame on the other child is not effective (just a child) and what the both of you need to do after a time out, and discipline with your own child to correct the learned behavior (and she will learn many habbits from many people in life and that is what makes parenting hard wethere your an at home mom or a working mom...and I am a working teacher that gets what come in to the classrooom no matter what is taught at home:) When your child comes home and does this it is the responsiblity to redirect to what you really want your child to do (as what I do as a teacher and parent). For example, I do not allow the word stupid/dumb...to be used at home or in the classroom. Now even on the Disney child as said by Hannah Montana and others that my older child likes to watch...these words are said. I believe that these are bulleying words and cause a climate that support negativity and bulleying so, they are not tolerated. I teach how use feeling words and the big part is modeling what I teach...not easy to consistently follow throught but I do. In other words your efforts as a at home mom are applauded, but it does not change that children will learn new habbits from other places (many good and that needs to pointed out too) and is not our job as parents to teach our children to reflect on the good and the not so good and to develop as good people that no the difference (again is a learning process takes more time on some things than other:). Rather than judging the other child's behavior teach your child to reflect on the good things that child does first so, the will pick up the good things they do (no matter how hard it may be to find one thing...and trust me as a teacher sometimes it is hard at the beginning of the year to find something...but I do even if it is they are good at matching their clothes...) and then have your own child reflect on when they pick up the bad habbit and don't point out where they learned it because then you are comparing the two children and going model that being negative about others in that way is ok...rather than looking at oneself and the behavior that child chose use....that was not ok...and that is what you should say to your child by focusing on the behavior you want eliminated as not ok for your child not do and get them to repeat the behavior while in time the behavior that is not ok. I have my children repeat why they were in time out and why it is not ok what they did so they under stand the whole concept. When they are little just why in time out.

Updated

Hi,

I hope none of this comes accross as defensive so, if I ues you it is not to accuse:) because parenting is the hardest job and I am not judging. First placing blame on the other child is not effective (just a child) and what the both of you need to do after a time out, and discipline with your own child to correct the learned behavior (and she will learn many habbits from many people in life and that is what makes parenting hard wethere your an at home mom or a working mom...and I am a working teacher that gets what come in to the classrooom no matter what is taught at home:) When your child comes home and does this it is the responsiblity to redirect to what you really want your child to do (as what I do as a teacher and parent). For example, I do not allow the word stupid/dumb...to be used at home or in the classroom. Now even on the Disney child as said by Hannah Montana and others that my older child likes to watch...these words are said. I believe that these are bulleying words and cause a climate that support negativity and bulleying so, they are not tolerated. I teach how use feeling words and the big part is modeling what I teach...not easy to consistently follow throught but I do. In other words your efforts as a at home mom are applauded, but it does not change that children will learn new habbits from other places (many good and that needs to pointed out too) and is not our job as parents to teach our children to reflect on the good and the not so good and to develop as good people that no the difference (again is a learning process takes more time on some things than other:). Rather than judging the other child's behavior teach your child to reflect on the good things that child does first so, the will pick up the good things they do (no matter how hard it may be to find one thing...and trust me as a teacher sometimes it is hard at the beginning of the year to find something...but I do even if it is they are good at matching their clothes...) and then have your own child reflect on when they pick up the bad habbit and don't point out where they learned it because then you are comparing the two children and going model that being negative about others in that way is ok...rather than looking at oneself and the behavior that child chose use....that was not ok...and that is what you should say to your child by focusing on the behavior you want eliminated as not ok for your child not do and get them to repeat the behavior while in time the behavior that is not ok. I have my children repeat why they were in time out and why it is not ok what they did so they under stand the whole concept. When they are little just why in time out.

I don't understand why you have not said anything. You allow this cousin to tell your child to eat boogers and take toys from your child. Other see this and don't say anything because you are not speaking up for your child. They are following your lead. I personally would distance myself and my child from this other child and when they have to have contact I would monitor it and step in when the cousin says mean things or takes toys. It you don't stand up for your child who will. Now you have left out some very important information and that is the age of the children involved. But you need to speak up and stop being a door mat and letting your child be door mat jr.

Hi PN,

I don't have an answer yet, but please add to your post the ages of your daughter and the cousin, because then people who respond can offer some age-appropriate suggestions/recommendations.

Good luck,

V.