My son is 5 1/2 years old. He has always been fine falling asleep by himself in his own bed, with whom he shares a room with his 7 year old brother. In the middle of the night though, he almost always comes to our room and wants to sleep the rest of the night with us. I've tried taking him back 1,2,3 times, but he always reappears and eventually completely loses control saying he's scared.
I don't know whether I should believe him or not. It seems like it's true but what can I do? Even when we have a mattress on the floor in our own room he eventually ends up in our bed. He also has problems it seems with separation anxiety. He often cries when we leave him at school and doesn't want to do after school activities even if he is with his brother.
In 1 1/2 months I will have a new baby in the house and will probably be co-sleeping. 4 people will not fit in our bed!
Any suggestions? We're getting desperate and time's a ticking!
J.
P.S., In response to some of the questions I was asked seeing as I wasn't very clear!...This summer we put 2 mattresses on our bedroom floor for the boys to sleep on in our room just because their air-conditioning didn't work and ours did! Now they're back in their room.
Co-sleeping, I only had the kids in my bed when they were breastfeeding infants. I found it easier to feed at night lying down and I would often fall back to sleep in the process. That only lasted 6/7 months before they were in their own beds.
After that my 2 boys have always shared a bedroom. My youngest sometimes does sleep all night in his own bed but has for many years occasionally come to ours at night. It seems to be getting more and more frequent, and now it's almost every night. Maybe it only really bugs me at present because I already sleep poorly with my belly and need all the space I can get!
He may be scared, but he needs to self-soothe. And his crankiness at other times may be caused by this disruption to his sleep. Just keep taking him back. It will be exhausting, but it is the best solution.
J., he keeps doing it because you have proven to him that whatever he says WORKS to get him in your bed. If you don't play hardball now, you'll be dealing with two of them in your bed, or the baby in the bed and him terribly jealous.
If I were you, I would make your HUSBAND walk him into his room 50 times a night if that's what it takes. No more allowing him on your floor either. Your husband should be gruff and tell him to go to bed. If he never gives in, period, then in a week or so, he should be staying in his room.
He will unfortunately remember that he was in your bed once the baby comes home. Instead of putting baby in your bed, put her in a bassinet beside your bed. That way he might not dislike the baby for taking his place in your bed. You don't HAVE to co-sleep, and if you want things to go better with your son, you might really need to keep the baby out of your bed, at least for long enough for your son to forget that you threw him out.
Good luck,
Dawn
I would believe him & try to find ways to help him feel more secure. There is frequently regression with starting school & new baby on the way. I disagree with time for hardball. He is only 5 & a lot of changes are scary. His separation anxiety will worsen not improve with hard ball. Suggestion for sleep with brother, lay in his bed, give special nightlight or stuffed animal, your pillow or something else may help.
Good luck & try to remember he is anxious for a reason. That time in your bed may be his way of recharging his "battery"!
My kids both went through this at some point when they were younger. I wasn't completely opposed to them climbing in bed with us occasionally, but I couldn't sleep if they were with us. The rule became, they could come in and sleep on the floor if they wanted to. There were time periods where my daughter came in a lot and then she got over it on her own. She would just grab her blanket and we'd find her there in the morning.
It is a phase.
Wow. Minus the "3rd on the way" this is our exact experience. My 5.5 year old shares room with 8 yo brother. He is a clinger and sensitive to change. He is doing well at school, but ever since it started, he comes in around 3 am for sleep time.
First week it was everynight and I said NO!. Second week, I thought, "poor little buddy needs us to comfort and help him" I said, OK.
Third week, He only came in once all week.
My thought is let him have you now until the baby comes. Let him know this is his time and when the baby comes, it is baby's turn to sleep with mommy daddy.
See if it gets better on its own. it might. If not, I do love the sleep on the floor idea.
I do love to cuddle my kids in bed, though and I very rarely turn them away because I know one day they will not want to cuddle with me.
He's 5 1/2, has he just started school? Any other changes? And a baby is on the way. No wonder. He's little and he is scared and he wants to be close to you. I am not a "hard ball" parent, at all. I work to understand and reassure and find a way to help my child deal with life's changes and challenges. Talk with him, listen to him. Work together to find a solution.
J., could you give us some more background on his sleeping history? You said "he has always been fine falling asleep by himself in his own bed", and then you mentioned that you have had a mattress on the floor in your own room and even with that he ends up in your bed.
So it isn't really clear what his actual history is like. Has he EVER slept all night in his own bed? Does he just "fall asleep" there and then never sleeps all night? Did he at one time co-sleep with you and you eventually moved him to the floor mattress and then out? What? It seems rather vague...
Maybe you could put him in bed with his sibling when you take him back to bed. He might wake up slightly and feel the other person and drift back off.
Sounds like he is feeling a bit insecure with changes in his life (new baby on the way, school starting...). My son went through stages like that, still does. If I really flood him with extra love and attention it usually passes in a week. Try giving him a certain number of "tickets" that he can use to "buy" a night in your bed. Talk to him about how when the tickets are gone there won't be any more so he should really think hard about which nights he wants to use them.
It sounds like you don't mind if he sleeps on the mattress on the floor. If that is the case then tell him the mattress is "free", but your bed requires a ticket.
Good luck and don't forget that at 5 he is still a little boy.
Tell him he has to sleep on the mattress on the floor if he wants to sleep in your room. It has worked for us for years. Sometimes I have to hold a little hand for a few minutes (I am laying down and hanging my arm off the bed) on the really bad nights. The best investment to curb this that I have found (for both my girls) is the Twilight Sea Turtle that puts stars all over their ceilings. They both feel more secure and stay in their beds if I turn it on.
He is waking out of habit because he knows subconsciously he will be rewarded with your company. I'd do the supernanny technique of walking him right back to his own bed when he appears at your door. No anger, no hugs or sweet talk, no conversation, except a monotone "back to bed" Because he's in the habit of you giving in, I'm afraid you're going to have a struggle doing this many more than 3 times before he realizes he isn't going to get what he wants by waking up at night.
Every once in awhile, when my kids were younger, they would wake "scared" because of a bad dream and not want to go back to their rooms alone. I'm not sure this was the best thing to do, but I would walk with them back to their room, and lay down with them for awhile. But the deal was, they had to be going back to sleep, or I would leave. No talking! Pretty soon, they were tired, bored, cozy, and felt secure enough with me there, that they fell back asleep, and then I went back to my own bed alone for the duration of the night. I suppose this may turn into a bad habit for some kids, but it never became a habit for mine because what they really wanted (getting in my bed) they weren't getting by waking me up and coming to my bedroom.
how long has he shared a room with his brother?
when you say 'almost always' i assume that for all practical purposes you're co-sleeping with him now, is that correct?
what's up with the mattress in your room? did you put it there recently, or is it somewhere he's *supposed* to go if he can't sleep, or what?
if you REALLY want him to stay in his bed, then you have to resign yourself to taking him back to bed. 1,2,3 times clearly won't do. no talking, no scolding, no interacting at all, just walk him back to bed. it'll probably take a while.
if you're okay with the mattress solution, why not just redirect him there?
it really does sound as if he's having anxiety about changes. new baby coming, new sleeping rules (if indeed he's used to co-sleeping), all pretty weighty for a little guy who sounds a bit anxious.
you really don't have a lot of time if indeed making him stay in his bed is a priority. once the baby's here, walking your 5 year old back to bed over and over won't really be an option. you've left it pretty late, so your choices are to let him use the mattress but ONLY the mattress (ie no climbing into your bed at all) or relentlessly walk him back to bed for as many times and as many nights as it takes.
but don't be mad at him, which is hard to do when you're horribly sleep-deprived. it's not his fault he's a little angsty. and give him lots of extra not-bedtime attention.
khairete
S.
