A friend of mine just found out her husband cheated on her and is obviously in shock and does not want to make any rash decisions right now. They are going to see a therapist and try to work things out for now but my friend keeps asking, how can I forgive him, I can't even look at him how can I ever have sex with him again? I want to be supportive and offer encouragement. Have any of you been cheated on and gotten past it? Any words of advice or encouragement? They have been together for 15 years and have 2 kids.
It happened to a close friend of mine and the best advice I can give is to listen but don't offer advice and don't bash her husband. If you do over time she will feel like she can't talk to you about it anymore.
marraigebuilders.com (particularly the emotional needs questionnaire)
The book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"
The book "After the Affair"
If the marriage is worth it (if he is actually worthy of her) then they can survive. Just be there for her, nod in agreement and hug her when she slams him but don't say anything negative yourself and be prepared for her to get to a place where it's suddenly sunshine and roses and she doesn't want to hear or discuss anything negative anymore. Sometimes we survive affairs by selective amnesia and having friends who know the truth can be painful because it's tempting to go back the painful place and become angry and indignant instead of move on. So if they do stay together, you have to be able to forgive and forget to and not hold it against him forever. Which is tough to do, which is why I told only my best friends and none of my family.
Blessing to you for being there for her - it means more than you'll ever know.
My husband cheated on me before we were married and I found out after, so it had been long over, but I don't think that changed how it felt or still feels. I do trust him now, mostly. Not 100% and I don't know that I ever will. He is a good man, husband, and father. He AND I work VERY hard regularly to keep things good. We just had our 7th anniversary, so it's doable. She needs to figure out how to forgive him, and he needs to be an open book. If he won't (and my husband at times has not) it will only set things back to the moment when she found out. Be supportive for her and try not to bash her husband, as hard as that may be for you. She needs you to support whatever decision she makes for her and her family.
A.:
Like with anything else in life that hurts, it takes a while to get over.
She can't keep holding it over his head if he's trying to be a better man. My ex-husband cheated on me...not once, but several times. While sex wasn't an issue for us, he felt he deserved more than one...
Have him get tested for STDs. Once he comes back clean - they can work on the sex.
She needs to find out what he THINKS is lacking from their marriage that caused him to stray, and work on that. No, it's NOT her fault. However, it takes TWO to make a marriage work.
They need to communicate with each other. It won't be easy...
I tried to get over it. But his behavior didn't change. I kept holding it over his head and even though he was trying to change, my accusations or mistrust only made him stray again - "if I'm going to get blamed for something again - I'm going to do it" mentality. So we both were to blame for our break up...like I said it takes two....it's NOT easy letting it go. It's a HUGE hurt. Trust is not easily rebuilt.
One step at a time. Communicate...each step of the way..
Good luck!
The best advice we got was, "Don't make any decisions now, give yourselves a specific period of time before you decide to make a choice about staying together or not. The children deserve to have some stability while you work this out." We gave ourselves a year and spent that time living our status quo for all appearances. In private, we worked out the rest.
Other than that, just listen, she needs someone to hear her right now. She needs a friend who won't judge her or bash her husband. Plenty of marriages survive this, and if they do they are typically that much better for it. Tell her forgiveness is for her benefit. And it gets better over time.
Cheating is not a "mistake." A mistake is something you do unintentionally. Throwing a red sock into a load of white laundry and turning everything pink is a mistake. Transposing numbers in the register and overdrawing the checking account is a mistake. You cannot accidentally have sex with someone. Cheating is not a mistake - it's a deliberate decision.
I only know of one man that never made a mistake, and I celebrate his birthday around Christmas every year.
If he goes and sins no more, she should forgive and forget. Will it be easy to forgive and forget. Of course not. But the best things in life aren't free. She should accept that he made a mistake and that she probably has made some mistakes too. Maybe not as big as this, but mistakes none the less.
Give her the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It will help her understand him better.
ADDED: A mistake is anything you do wrong. AND, I cannot even count how many times alcohol let someone do something stupid, like wake up naked in the morning beside a stranger and not even remember how they got there.
Good luck to you and yours.
I have not been in this situation with a long term mate, or when it involved children. However, if the marriage is going to work, he has to stop cheating and she has to forgive & trust him again. She will have to let it go & start fresh. This may or may not be able to be achieved with the help of a 3rd party. If she can't forgive or trust him again, then it won't work. I mean, they can stay married, but that's really no way to live.
My husband and I thank God have taken that trip...we have 2 kids and it was the hardest thing I have ever encountered.
God was and is my strong hold. Without him I would have lost it.
It has to be a 2 way rebuild or it will never work
I will be praying for her
I have gone thru this. We did seperate for a while but, we worked thru it and got back together. I don't know that you ever "get past" it. I can tell you that by working as hard as we did to hold our marriage together, it became stronger than ever. This was about 9 years ago and we are more madly in love than ever. I trust him completely. You have to be willing to truely forgive that person and you have to work hard to put all the pieces back together and trust that person again. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go thru but, also the most rewarding. There are still days that I look at him across the room and have to thank GOD that our marriage got a second chance. We have two children together, one came after the affair. It can be done, it just takes a lot of work................doesn't anything that is worth having though? We will be married 12 years in December!
I once had a best friend that was like that woman in "When Harry Met Sally." The one that thought that her boyfriend was going to leave his wife for her.
I distanced myself for her once I found out what she had been doing--seeing a married guy for almost 9 years. And she wondered why HER marriage sucked.
It just seems like they like to "claim" men are wired to cheat. Ummm, I think we're past that "they need to plant their seed" stuff to rest now that we hit seven billion people.
I've seen couples divorce, separate and work on their marriages. Some REALLY can survive once the decision is made to at least TRY.
You don't have to answer to anybody but yourself and your kids. Sadly you're not the first or the last woman this is going to happen to and you'll survive. It's just going to take time.
I haven't been in that situation, but I had 2 thoughts I wanted to share. How AMAZING that she wants to work it out. Most people don't want to put forth the effort. That being said, forgiveness is for her, not for him. Whether they work it out or not, forgiveness is to help her heal and that healing will keep bitterness from getting ahold of her life. Which in turn will be beneficial for her children. When you think of the amazing forgiveness that God offers us, and then he forgets it. When we truly forgive, it is the only way to let go and get past anything - BIG or little.
That is a hard situation and ultimately its her decision. I've been struggling with myself. My husband went to a get together with our mutual friends and I stayed home with our kids. I was a little ticked he went but oh well I said go and he did. A good friend
that was there sent me a message Monday night asking me if he told me anything about the party or who was there? I got a sick feeling in my stomach. She said a girl was there that day with my husband all night laughing, flirting and drinking with him. It made my friend uncomfortable enough to have to tell me. It made me sick to think my husband went to a party and did all those things with someone other than me. No, to my knowledge no kissing or anything like that happened but im still not ok with it. He married me and I just have a feeling of betrayal ya know? Poi t of my story is I could not move on from cheating. Im hurt with him flirting! There's no way I could touch him or get ok with cheating. I hope for the best for them but im not sure if counseling is the answer or not. I pray she finds some peace.
