Cell Phone Usage and Kids

It shouldn't be in her room at night.
She shouldn't be using it till her chores and schoolwork are done.
Not using it during meals is great nor should she be constantly on it when she's visiting friends, in a class (after school or otherwise), watching a movie - suppose to be doing something with actual people.
Many schools don't let kids use phones at school or they are only allowed in green zones - a lot of the time using them while on the bus (for texting or game playing) is alright.

One way that might "help" is to limit her access to you WiFi. If everything she does uses her cellular data, her mom may not like paying the cost. Depending on your router, you can set times and limits on how much access she has to it.

We had the exact same situation, but my SD was 9. My oldest son is the same age as her and we stuck to our guns about him and didn't get him a phone until he was 13.

Anyway...it doesn't matter who bought it or pays for it, you certainly can and need to set rules in your house. Here's what worked for us:

Phone is not to be brought to school or used before school
Phone after school only when homework is done
Phone gets handed in before bedtime
No phone at the dinner table, ever
No phone at family functions, church, Sunday school or other places where your attention and respect are expected - leave it at home or in the car
Parents know passwords and approve any app downloads, purchases, or use
Parents can and will read texts and call logs whenever they want
Parents will restrict callers/numbers they don't approve of
The phone is a privilege and a convenience, not a right. If the privilege is abused, the privilege will be lost.

Wow...since when does the kid get to rule the roost?

Your home. Your rules. Chores and homework MUST be done PRIOR to any texting or phone calls....period. Take the phone away if need be. She's NOT an adult.

No phones allowed at our table - not even in pockets for vibrations - even our friends know that. Dinner is the "electronic free time".

Should have set the boundaries when she got the phone. It's going to be a tough road and there will be a lot of bickering. You and your husband MUST be united and on the same page...and you MUST lead by example.

If she doesn't follow the rules? There are consequences...the phone is taken away. My kids give me their phones at 9PM. If not? They lose it for 24 hours. PERIOD.

You speak of setting limits but other than dinner you give no reason why. Yes, cell phone usage during dinner impacts everyone, clearly a time to put it away.

Other than that you seem to want to control something for the sake of controlling it. Are her grades suffering? If yes, then she has to have it off during homework. If no then nothing is suffering for it other than your need to control.

I have never limited my children's cell phone use and it was never a problem. If we ever had a problem then we would have a discussion but to control for the sake of being controlling makes no sense. It is saying yes everything is perfect but I am going to take this away anyway because I want to control you while you are here to show I can. Good way to have your step daughter run to her mom requesting less time at her dads.

Sorry but I read your question about your daughter being jealous of your step daughter's stuff. This is no way to solve the issue.

What I find interesting about the answers is no one seems to want to look at the elephant in the room. What is going on in your home that your step daughter is checking out of the family via the cell phone? Perhaps she is reaching out to her friends, other family, people that care.

It should not be on during homework time, meal time and should not be in her bedroom after maybe 9pm.

I recall my phone in my room as a teen.
My mom had rules, otherwise she could unplug it and put it in her room.

You and dad need to come up with manners and rules about the cell phones, all of you use.

No cell phones at the meal tables. Includes other peoples homes, or in restaurants. It should be left on silent or not even brought to the table if we cannot control ourselves. Unless you are a doctor on call, no one needs a phone at the meal table.

Homework and any daily chores must be completed before the cell phone can be used when she gets home from school. Or maybe she can have 30 minutes of phone time and then the phone is held until her homework is completed. I think it needs to be discussed how this would work best. Our daughter needed down time after school and then she would do her homework.

On the weekends, same deal. No cell phones, till chores are completed.

Bed time, means it is time for the cell phone to be charged in mom and dads room. Maybe on the weekends if she has had good behavior and attitude she could be on the phone an hour longer.

Remind her no cell phones when ordering at a counter. No cell phones, while payng for a purchase at a store.

Just because the phone is ringing does not mean you have to pick it up unless it is a parent calling and then you excuse yourself to answer it. Or I will sometimes, say, "excuse me, let them tell them I will call them back later."

Remind her about not needing to speak loudly on a cell phone. If you cannot hear the other person or the other person cannot hear you, tell them you will call them back, or you need to text each other.

The phone is hers, but that does not mean it cannot be held for poor attitude, poor behaviors or when it is not appropriate time for the cell phone. You or dad can hold it on silent. When it rings, if it is her mom, you can then hand it to daughter to speak with her.

I would only allow it after her homework was done, not during meals, and for a certain time limit on weekdays and weekends. I would also have a "turn in the phone time" at night where she has to hand over the phone. As much as setting limits is important, maybe also get involved in having her show you her favorite apps so maybe if her friends are on vine or instagram have her show you funny pictures. Try balance setting boundries for her with using the phone to discuss what is happening in her life.

My kids use their electronics for school games as well as fun, movies, reading, and my oldest one texts with friends. We only set limits on it if their chores aren't done, homework isn't done, or it's too nice to be sitting inside on electronics.

Do you know what she is doing on it that is upsetting you? Is she on social media sites? Is she connecting with people that she shouldn't be? Are inapprorpiate messages or pictures being sent or received?

Our kids have to ask us before they get on electronics and often times the answer is yes (or see reasons above for no). Times have changed...technology is a huge part of our children's lives and if we ban it, just like anything else, they will gravitate towards it.

So I suggest you figure out WHY you want to take the phone away from her or why it bothers you. Then talk with her about what your expectations are and find other things to do. Don't just take the phone away and then ignore her.

My rule would be "you may be on your phone from 7-7:30, but only if all homework and chores are completed."

So she has a phone.
Her Mom got it for her.
When she is at your house, isn't her DAD there too?
He is her parent.
Can't HE, have phone use rules for her?
She's a kid.
Parents make the rules.
Where is your Husband in this?

Ditto "Isn'tthis fun?" below.

At no time, should a parent be "afraid" of having rules for their kid.
When she is at your house, you have rules. Her Dad, should make rules. He should sit her down, and tell it to her.
When she is at her Mom's house, that is something else.
A kid that age, CAN realize that.

My daughter is in middle school. Since she started middle school, we got her a phone. She is not on her phone all the time. We have rules. She does it. She herself can't stand being on a phone yakking away on it to everyone. And even if it rings, SHE decides if she will answer it or not, depending on timing and whatever she or we are doing at the time. And, she does NOT have her phone even turned on, most of the time. She uses it, to get in touch with us or us with her.

When your step daughter is at your house, it is your rules.
She is not a hotel guest.
Her DAD, is her parent and thus, he needs to make rules.
Of course, setting limits is what parents do.
And she is a kid.

My bonus daughters mom said she was going to buy them a cell phone-but has since told them they can't call home from her house unless dad buys them a cell phone. I have had to show them the dangers of cell phones and point out the rude behavior her peers demonstrate due to their cell phones. We have a home phone and are working on their phone manners. They have many other electronics that are age appropriate.
AFTER chores, homework, practices, etc. They can have 30 min-1hr of screen time IF they get screen time in a day and half of it needs to be educational (raz readers, iXL, compass learning, etc. ).
Rules are for our house. Mom seems to have unlimited screen time and watches a great deal of tv/movies. They have slowly seen the benefit of not being glued to electronics.

Bedtime? Phone is handed in to you.
You need to know passcode, passwords, etc.
Phone time counts as "electronic" time, which is earned & = to time spent reading, etc.
Anyway, those are our rules for our 11 year old's iPod/iPad.
He doesn't have a phone. No need yet.

She's 11? Middle school I guess and so girls are constantly texting, on instagram, snap-chatting, etc. When you say ont he phone I have to assume online, internet, games, etc. - not neccessarily talking on the phone?

You must limit the time. I assume her mom has the service and pays for it? If so then you have no control that way.

So - instead you have to set up a place where the phone needs to be during certain times of the day. Have a small basket or decorative glass bowl on the kitchen counter or some other central location - I'd give her no more three hours a day total - depending on how her schoolwork is doing, what other things she's involved in, etc. If she does homework in the afternoon then she gets an hour in the afternoon - AFTER homework is done. And an hour or two in the evening (depending on bedtime).

Engage her in terms of limits. Ask her what she thinks is the right amount of time. Start by saying we've concluded that there has a be a healty level of cell phone use - so we're going to set some limits. If you were the mom of an 11 yr old girl how many hours a day do you think would be about right? Kids somestimes surprise us by providing a better answer than we thought they would!

You also need to know what she's doing on the phone. The world wide web can be like thew wild, wild west. You don't know who is out there - and phone can often be set to track their location. On facebook kids will often accept anyone as a friend and they give away so much personal information that a predator can easily find these kids. If she's on FB you must be her friend as well so you can see what she's posting. Get her FB password too. I still tell my 18 yr old to delete a snarky or mean comment. she knows she has to do it as long as she's depending on us for financial concerns.

Our kids, even to this day at 15 & 18 know we have a random audit policy. At any given moment I can ask for their phone and look at their texts, who they've been calling or getting calls from, their online history, etc. There have been times when I've audited them frequently (when there's trouble going on) and once they show themselves to be honorable then the audits decrease. (In fact I haven't done that in a long time - I think today may be one of those days!)

Just because her mom pays for the service doesn't mean her dad has no control over what she does on the phone. Think about it - if her mom gave her a car for her 16th birthday would she be allowed to drive to Mexico or NYC? I don't know what kind of relationship you, as step mom, have with her - so depending on how good your relationship is you need to figure out whether you or her dad get to be the "auditor".

We have a good relationship with our kids. They have chores, they do volunteer work, they have to go to church ativities and youth group (so to keep their church friendships alive) and they have to maintain decent grades - but we give them privileges that are age-appropriate and unless they do stupid things they get more privileges. Age 11 is when you begin to give them small privileges - which come tied to responsibilities. At age 11 she can vacuum, or mop the kitchen floor, she can load or unload the dishwasher, clean off the bathroom vanity, etc. Doing those things when asked, without complaining allow her cellphone privileges.

One of the positive things about her having a cellphone that she obviously loves having is that you have a tool to use as motivation or for discipline.

I know it's another thing for you as step-mom to deal with - but I can understand her mom wanted to give them a way to contact eachother without having to go through you. (The only kids I knew who had cell phones at a young age were kids who had a parent they didn't live with.)

You seem to be level-headed so I'm sure you can come up with a good policy. I'm often sstung when my kids call me out on my own policies !

When my SD was given a phone by her mother when she was 10, it was just a glorified toy.

If you are stuck setting limits, then have a meeting with DH to determine what limits you want to enforce, and then you and DH meet with SD to enforce them. She should have to put the phone down til she's done her HW or her chores and it should be charged in your care or somewhere not in her room overnight. You might want to look up other people's contracts with their kids or other things you need to tell a kid. It's more than being on the phone - when we were kids, the phone had a cord (or maybe it was cordless) and you could only talk. Now they text and surf the internet with no controls. You and DH should also include discussions on internet and texting safety and things like not taking pictures (not even via snap chat or instagram or anything else) that she wouldn't show her grandma. You can acknowledge that the phone is cool and fun but teach her responsibility. Talk to her, too, about her activities before you make all your rules. Let her feel like she has a say in some of these things and you care about what she's doing.

We also told the sks that if their phones were not charged when they left the house, they would be in trouble (we needed to reach them) and if they got caught using it in school, we were not going to rush over and get it. If the phone is her mom's phone and plan, then it is not your problem if it breaks, gets lost or stolen. My SD went through so many phones and we did nothing about them.

ETA we emphasized to SD that we were not telling her she couldn't contact her friends or BM, but that there was a time and a place and it was getting in the way of things like homework, chores, baths, etc.

Phones are literally addictive.

My only advice is that whatever limits you decide to set, stick to them 100%. Do not alter them because of good behavior, or for a treat or special occasion. If you alter the limits at all, you are setting yourself up for whining, cajoling, constant bartering, and further obsession with the phone.

Once your child gets used to the immobile barriers surrounding cell phone use, which will take a while for her to get used to, she will find other things to do during the times when she knows she can't have it, and will stop bugging you during those times.

Whatever you do, be firm.

Does she spend days/nights with her mom? If so then you need to set up some solid house rules for when she's at your home. You can still do this if she doesn't stay days/nights with her mom, because she needs to learn that there are universal rules and there are house rules that may differ from home to home. Write it down so there is no question about them. When you have "off" times it is to be turned off, not just put to "sleep". Phones will still give off alerts when messages and calls come through. If it's actually turned off, those alerts won't be heard, the calls will go to voicemail and messages will be there for her to read at a later time.

As for me, I would allow time between when homework is complete until dinner, maybe a little time after dinner until bed time. During homework time, during dinner and bed time the phone must be off and put away in it's chosen location. As for the weekends, I would make sure there was also "family time" planned and that would also be a "not phone" time.

Don't give her the password for your internet and she can't get on unless there is free wireless somewhere close by.

Tell her to talk to her friends in her room, that you don't want to hear her phone conversations or you're going to start taking part in them and give your opinion.

This is her phone. From her mom. I imagine mom is going to go ballistic if you set any limits on it without her being part of the "intervention".

A few years ago kids often had a second house line that was "their" phone. Kids were on those for hours and hours every day even then. Kids being on the phone all the time is NOTHING NEW.

I know the family I was a nanny for had a line for their kids and someone was on that phone from sun up to sun down on the days they were out of school. It was upstairs and the parents didn't do anything to limit their usage if their homework and chores were done.

Then there was the internet and email then chat programs. Kids are going to talk to their friends, they like their friends. It's part of growing up and moving towards being an adult.

I'd say she could be on the phone as soon as every little thing that is homework and chores up to an hour before bedtime. Then she needs to do her bedtime stuff, calm down, relax, listen to some music, read a book, watch some TV, etc...

My boys (8 and 10) both have iPhones (our old ones from when we upgraded). We set strict limits. They have to have permission to play games and only get 30-45 minutes of time on them a day, unless they are using them to make a call or send a text. So far I have not had to limit calling and texting but if it becomes an issue I will with a quickness.

Your house your rules. Sit down with your husband, decide on them together, enforce said rules together.

We have little kids yet. so we do not have anything like this. But, rules that were in my parents houses when I was growing up.

Come home, get home work done.
Dinner duties (if you have her set the table, help cook etc)
Dinner
Finish homework- and chores - if necessary
then free time til bed time- that would be when the phone woul be allowed to come out. Then it would not reside in her room, it belongs in the dinning room/kitchen etc.. where is has a safe place to charge.