Our house was burglarized almost a month ago and we lost nearly everything of value that was stored in our bedroom. All jewelry, cuff links, emergency cash, heirlooms, etc. My theft insurance was minimal - much to our surprise. Our house is alarmed but our second story bathroom window was unalarmed and open. That's how the person got in. I feel as if I'm moving on. My husband seems stuck. He's very angry and clearly thinks about it alot. The thing is, I suffered the biggest loss. I'm frustrated because his being stuck affects me with his anger and bad attitude. Does anyone have any suggestions for helping my husband to move on? Thanks.
Thank you so much for those of you who shared your own experiences. It helps to hear the commonality of the experiences and feelings. It was shocking to come into our master bedroom closet and find it in disarray. It bothers my husband that the burglar was pawing through my underwear drawers to find valuables - which he did. Later, we spoke to a jeweler and he said that it's common for a thief to leave the house with the valuables in laundry hamper - which is what our burglar did. Let me just share some advice for those who have not had a burglary - do not leave valuables in your bedroom especially your closet and night stand. It's the first and only place our thief looked.
Most men can handle being robbed fairly well.
Most men CANNOT handle their wife/girlfriend being robbed. It's emasculating to many men... they feel as if they should have been there / been able to protect the ones they love
Michele, I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. It happened to us, too.
My husband and I both felt this in different ways. We both felt angry and violated - esp when we saw that our bedroom and closets had been torn apart. We couldn't get our heads around someone doing that while seeing pictures of us and our family.
For me, I felt very afraid that someone would get in again, especially when we brought the new baby home. Almost every night, I would sit nursing him and almost imagine someone coming up our stairs. I would have very vivid thoughts about what I would do / not do - and that was 3 years after the burglary! The physical items didn't mean much.
My husband acted much like yours. It's not about the "stuff". Something like this strikes at the heart of what a man is and what he inherently feels compelled to do - protect his family. When the family has been violated, he can feel like he failed them. There is also a feeling of helplessness that comes from not being able to confront the person and get closure (or revenge). That "helpless limbo" is not a place where men like to be. The result is almost like grief that needs to be worked out.
As you work together to move past this, try to validate your husband's feelings and reassure him that he has not failed you and you trust him. When he responds negatively, try not to fall into it and let him wallow in it. Keep your peace and set the tone for the conversation to be about what you can do together to make things right / feel safer, etc.
It's not a matter of who lost more.
It can take a long time to get over the feeling of your home being invaded and violated.
That feeling of, "If I had just closed the bathroom window, maybe this never would have happened..." might take a long time to overcome.
I have known people who have moved after being robbed because they just couldn't feel safe in that home anymore. They were afraid the people would come back. They couldn't get past that feeling of vulnerability.
It's only been a month.
Frankly, your husband has a right to be angry. How long that gets dragged out might be another issue, but the wounds are still pretty fresh.
Give him some time.
He may need to see someone to help him cope with what he's feeling, but I wouldn't just "be over it" in a month if that happened to me.
It goes far deeper than just the things that were taken.
I'm really sorry this happened to your family.
I wish you the best.
So sorry that happened to you guys.
We had an armed robbery home invasion about 13 years ago. I went to a therapist who did eye movement therapy. In just 15 minutes, I could could feel the rage and other negative emotions leaving my body. One great thing about it is that it works even if you don't want to give all the details to the therapist.
It's hard! The whole "I am safe inside my home" thing is gone for him. He now knows he is not safe. It can be a horrible realization for those burgled, especially men. We had a teenager break in through a bathroom window, go through my jewelry, nothing of any value, check out the rest of the house, etc...and then they got a pop out of the fridge and sat out on the deck drinking it...who would do that if they had not been watching the house and know our schedule? The guy had to know we would not be there for several hours. He also stole my MIL's scooter. She kept it stored just inside the door since we didn't have a garage. She lived in another state but kept it here for cheap transportation when she was visiting. Since it was not in the "normal" space it was not covered on any of the insurance.
They found the scooter in a few pieces in an abandoned building out in the country, they had fingerprints on the pop can, all items allowed them to know exactly who did it and they did nothing. He was a kid and there was nothing they could do!!!! WHAT? I wanted to make sure he did not come back for the stereo equipment or big screen TV, or the rolled change on the shelves of the master bedroom, I wanted to know for sure he hadn't just been casing the house to see if it was worth coming back with a truck. I was terrified to stay there by myself for years. I still cannot stay out there by myself.
It still effects me today because it made me realize it "could" happen to me. So many people always think "that would never happen to me, I am more careful than that". It does happen to them though, somewhere every day someone walks in on a burglar or some sort of other criminal and they get hurt or worse.
I don't think I will ever be able to feel comfortable and safe like I did before the person stole that from me.
So sorry you are going thorught this!
My old home was burgalarized as I was fixing up, so they did not have the opportunity to take much. However, what made me feel better was that I made sure that I would do everything in my power to minimize a burglary happenning again. I put up burglar bars(it was appropriate for the neighborhood). If they are not, you can get Rolordex type shutters, not sure how expensive they are. You can always also get cameras. I also got a super bright dusk to dawns lights. In addition, the policemen told me that in addition to lights, its good to have dogs around, so if you are considering a dog, this is a bonus, does not have to be aggressive, just has to make noise as most do.
This is something that may take some time for him. I was home sleeping when my house was robbed. I was single at the time and my roommate was not home. They took what little bit I had including my car since they found the keys. I am always grateful that I didn’t wake up, who knows what they would have done to me.
He needs to see the bigger picture. Material things can be replaced, people cannot. Thank goodness you were out and/or not harmed. I know how much it stinks to be robbed and that feeling of being violated takes a while to go away.
Its a kind of grief.
It is a process.
Or PTSD... for which maybe counseling can help him.
It is a sort of "invasion" of one's privacy... as well.
AND.... maybe your Husband feels at a loss... because he is a "Man" and couldn't prevent it etc. They feel "helpless." And yes, "angry" that it even happened. He could not keep him home/family... 'safe' etc.
So MANY conflicting feelings, etc.
Me: when I was in college... I was at home in between classes. Took a shower, hanging out, etc. Then I walked out of my room and my cats were acting all frightened. I didn't know why. Then, a big guy comes out of another room... I knew he was a burglar.... the door was ajar. It was scary. I went up to him, about 4 feet away from him and started to tell him off and the top of my lungs with a lot of swearing... told him to empty his pockets etc. (I at the same time was looking him over and looking for a weapon, just in case. I had near access to a weapon myself, which I had placed in my home, just in case of emergency). He was so stunned that I was yelling at him, he sort of mumbled and then escaped through another door. I almost was going to tackle him. But then I called the cops right away. He was not found. But valuables were stolen.
Thankfully, he did not attack me or worse.
The NERVE of the guy... I thought. How dare he... come into my home and while I was at home.... going through all my personal belongings etc. I felt, invaded and many emotions.
But I got over it.
BUT... the 'fear' lingered. The fear, that worse could have happened and every single sound I heard in my home, made me skittish etc.
Invasions/robbery like this, happens at any time of day or night.
It is NOT a matter... of 'who' suffered the biggest loss. You need to remember that. It is a loss not only of material objects and valuables... BUT of, a person's sense of safety and control... over their lives and private lives and home.
So keep that in mind.
It is a sort of "PTSD." Post traumatic stress syndrome.
Why be frustrated at him????
He suffered a lot too.
And he probably is acting like this, BECAUSE he does not know how to handle... his feelings about it, or feels he has to console you, ignoring his feelings about it... when he is suffering, too. AND having to deal with.... that his WIFE and family... could have been hurt or worse.
The home, is wear the heart is.
This got invaded.
BUT tell him, do not take it out, on you.
You are a TEAM.
You BOTH... lost something in this.
I would suggest, counseling for your Husband.
Or maybe, he just needs to vent it out... and have someone to commiserate with. Since this is not common feelings per the situation.
