Brother Wants Daughter as Flower Girl at Same-sex Wedding

How to explain a gay marriage: "Uncle Bill is marrying Uncle Bob. You want to be the flower girl?"

When a lesbian couple who were friends of mine sent me and my then-five-year-old an invitation to their renewal of vows on their tenth anniversary, she asked me what "renewal of vows" meant. The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Me: It means that they've been married a long time and they're still so much in love, they want to let everyone know they would do it all over again.
Her: Girls can marry girls?
Me: Yes.
Her: Can boys marry boys too?
Me: Yes.
Her: What's for supper?

I could write a nice long post, but I think this pretty much sums up what I want to say: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ha7MqFpEnEY/Uyab9cSrbWI/AAAAAAA...

Is this a joke? Kids only think there's something wrong with same sex marriage if they're brought up that way.

Here you have a chance to raise open minded, non-bigoted children, and your brother's wedding will help.

Please don't raise another generation of haters. Marriage is a basic human right, why would you shield your children from basic human rights?

:(

:(

My brother, who died two years ago, was gay. Something that he never openly acknowledged to us (even though I always knew). He had a partner for 25 years. He always explained that they were just good friends, and the extent of their relationship came out after he died. I don't know if my brother didn't trust us to love him if he came out, if he thought we would feel differently about him, or if it was just none of our business- I don't know. But, we have grown close with his partner since his death and I just wish my brother could have shared this part of his life with us. So, the fact that your brother wants to include you in his life this way is something that I am envious of.
As for your children- you don't have to explain anything unless they ask. But if they do, just explain that the love each other very much and want to celebrate that with the people they love, too. That's all you have to say. Times are changing. This won't be their last run-in with same sex couples. Chances are they won't think a thing about it unless they see you have a problem with it.
As for religion. I'm pretty sure the bible says that God is love. So, love, in whatever shape or form it comes to us, is the work of God. Some people go through their whole lives and never know the power of real love. You can try to put religion into the whole thing and get your own personal beliefs all tangled up in it. Or you can love and support your brother unconditionally. If I were given the chance, I would have done the latter.

Your kids aren't going to care about the whole gay marriage thing. I was raised by a lesbian mother and it was my normal. None of my friends ostracized me. They had questions which I answered the best I could and then we went back to playing or whatever we were doing at that time. My kids (11, 4 and 2) don't raise any eyebrows over having two grandmas because double grandmas is their norm. Kids roll exceptionally well to what adults can consider taboo. As my kids ask questions, we'll answer them in an age appropriate fashion. Love is love; sex is sex. These are not impossible conversations.

I can say as the daughter of a lesbian mother love is both color blind and gender blind. My mothers love, support and respect each other which is a bond I whole heartedly support because each person deserves a loving relationship. Get with the times or stay out of your brother's life. Your conditional support of him is neither supportive or loving.

Really? You don't support him, but you love your brother and his fiance, and you're going to the wedding. Without your kids who love their uncle and will undoubtidly know their uncle is married to a man in a few short years.

If it were ME, I would not make a big deal about it, I would not tell them there is anything wrong with it, I would not raise them to be biased against people who are gay. I WOULD allow my daughter to be the flower girl, I would tell my kids that two people love each other and are getting married. It's a celebration, no reason in the world to make it anything negative at all, not even a little bit.

As a mother of interracial children, this hits home to me. For me, this would be like someone saying it's cool to hang out with my kids, but they can't come to my house and see a white mom and a black dad.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I am not bashing you for your beliefs. I do hope, though, that you take a step back, look at the long term effect this seeminly simple decision may have on your kids. Let them go. And let your daughter participate in this special day for her uncle.

I can't give you any advise that you would take. I Happen to believe that marriage is a sacred bond between two people that love each other.
I don't think it's hard to explain to our kids, "Bob and Joe love each other and want to get married"
But apparently you do.
I guess you would say, "bob, I really love you and Joe but am not supportive of gay people marrying (which is REALLY saying you don't support your brother)"
See how that goes over. You WILL hurt your brother no matter what.
L.

You may not be ready to explain to your children about gay marriage but there it is.

Now you can either tell your kids your brother's getting married to another man and you think it's wrong, or your brother's getting married to another man and your DD gets to be a flower girl.
Your call.

If you are having trouble telling your kids that your brother's marriage is wrong, maybe your beliefs aren't as strong as you thought. You'd be in good company. There are many people turning around their beliefs on gay marriage, and one of the main reasons is being confronted with images and stories of loving, happy gay couples existing in their own families.

ETA: Nobody called you a bigot. Not one person. People responded by saying things like:
"let your brother know that you support him"
"love and support your brother unconditionally"
"the right thing to do here is support your brother and his future husband."

and on and on...

People didn't agree with you, but nobody called you a bigot, so please quit making things up.

And I am seriously confused when you say you believe it's everyone's right to choose who they marry and love, but are simultaneously teaching your children that men who marry other men, including your brother, are a committing a sin.

If I'm confused I imagine your children will be as well, so I would really try to figure out exactly what you believe before you take a stand on the subject.

Well I guess I fundamentally disagree with you on gay marriage so if it were me, I'd have no hesitation about having my child participate but I also wouldn't try to pretend that gay marriage doesn't exist or that my brother wasn't getting a husband.

Kids roll with things, there isn't much to explain: "while most of time men fall in love with women and women fall in love with men and get married, sometimes men fall in love with men or women falls in love with women and they decide to get married."

If you love your brother, I think it's time to accept him and his choices without judgment and be open about that fact that his fiance will be his husband and that the kids will have two uncles who are married to each other. And let your daughter be a part of the celebration!

Honestly, this kind of thing doesn't faze kids at all - I have a few friends who have a sibling in a same-sex marriage and the kids don't think twice about it.

The quote "Love the sinner hate the sin" presumes that it is your position to judge people. And it is one of the main reasons people find Christians so distasteful.

If you love your brother and believe in his right to marry, then you do. You have to ignore those microscopic bits of the extremely long bible just like you probably ignore the parts that say people who work on Sunday should be stoned to death.

I say you man up and tell your brother you are prejudice against people like him. Tell how you don't believe he and his partner should be afforded the same rights as the rest of us. Tell him that while you think he and his partner are "both wonderful men" they don't deserve the tax breaks, rights in sickness and/or death or employment benefits the rest of us married people enjoy.

Sorry you're not ready to explain gay marriage to your kids but this isn't about you at all. You seem like a very selfish sister.

The tone of some of the responses below may seem harsh to you (and that's why you deleted the question), but I don't think it is from nastiness. I think your position is genuinely confusing. Let me try to explain why... I do not mean to be unkind, ok?

It looks to me like you are facing the logical contradiction of how you can feel it is okay for someone to love someone of the same gender (as you do about your brother, right?), yet not feel it is okay for them to make a legal commitment to each other (marriage). I myself can't follow that logic, so it is hard for me to advise you on how you could tell your brother that you don't want your daughter to serve as the flower girl without it coming across as hurtful. Either you support him having a love relationship with his fiance and hope that relationship will be a long, happy one, or you don't support it.

Also, it's hard for me to understand how you can be comfortable with having your children visit your brother's household (where they see a same-sex couple living), yet want your children to see only male-female relationships as marriages. I don't think you can give the kids both messages and have it make sense to them, and you will have some tough questions to answer sometime in the near future. It seems to me that you have some careful introspection to do so you can figure out what you really think/feel and want to teach your kids.

It is, of course, your decision whether your kids attend the wedding in the end. I do wish you luck with the process, and that the wedding will be joyous for all.

So...you're ok with your children not recognizing their uncles marriage?
Wow.
This is how hate and discrimination takes generations and generations to wither away.
What should you do?
I guess whatever makes looking in a mirror pleasant for you.
ETA: like Veruca said: all or nothing. This isn't a fence issue. If you won't allow her to be a flower girl? I don't think you should go at all.

Why are you even going if it's against your beliefs? You are recognizing and celebrating a marriage you don't believe is actually a marriage. I think you can allow his niece to be a flower girl without explaining gay marriage. In my opinion, there is nothing to explain any more than explaining a gay car wash or a gay grocery store. Marriage is a commitment to love and honor someone above all others. Isn't that what they are doing? Do you somehow think you need to explain sex to her? What is there to explain? If I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't attend. But if you don't want your daughter to participate, there truly is no way to do so without offending him, in my book, because essentially you are telling him that his marriage is not a real marriage or not deserving. If he was marrying a woman, you wouldn't hesitate. All or none, in my book. It will offend him because, IMO, it is offensive.

ETA: I hate when people are too cowardly to stand by their convictions. If you're willing to hurt someone with your convictions, at least stand by them when challenged. You didn't say anything wrong if that's really what you believe.
Let me help you...
"I love my brother and his fiance'. They are both wonderful men. We are raising our children to believe that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a women. I had intended to attend my brothers wedding sans children but he has now asked that my daughter be the flower girl. How do I handle this? I am not ready to explain to my daughter (4 years) and son (6 years) about gay marriage. We spend time with at my brothers house with the children and that is fine - I'm just not sure I want my children to be involved in this celebration and I also do not want to hurt my brother. Any advise?"

Just stay home unless you can come to grips with 2 adult people who love each other and want to be in a life long committed relationship getting married regardless of their gender.
I think a happy well thought out/planned marriage is good for the people involved and good for society in general and I don't have any issues with anyone who wants to make that commitment.
You just want it to be an exclusive club.
Never mind explaining to the kids about 2 people of the same gender getting married.
Try explaining prejudice and homophobia to your kids.
Have a go at explaining hypocrisy too while you're at it.

If you spend time there don't your kids already know they are a couple? Seems to me this should be no big deal to them.

i'm sorry the question was deleted. and REALLY sorry to see such blather as 'hate the sin but love the sinner' applied in this situation. so if it were a hetero couple, you would assume neither had ever sinned? as for your other bible quotes, what about biblical edicts for women to remain silent in church, not wear blended fabrics, and to stone to death mouthy teenagers?
bah.
i hope your brother and his partner find a flower girl from a family who actually does support them, and that their day is beautiful.
khairete
S.

Thankfully we no longer need to explain gay marriage to children. Children just understand it because it has become normal. When I try to explain to my kids that gay people were not allowed to get married I get the same response as I when I told them that black and white people weren't allowed to get married. The are shocked and say "that's just stupid!"

As for what the bible says you just need to teach your children that the bible was written in a different time, in a different culture. There are many rules in the bible that do not apply to us today. Just as we no longer keep slaves or concubines, we can grow more than one crop in the same field and wear fabric made of mixed blends.

I'm glad you are going to the wedding.

If you support their being together - which your kids would notice anyway if they spend time together - then the ceremony is merely them making their partnership "legit". Your kids ALREADY know they are together and love each other.

I can understand, having been raised catholic (I'm unitarian now), that you have a hesitation on the "marriage" word. But here's the thing - if you support him and care for him and his partner, then you ARE supporting their union, regardless of the word you use.

They are entering into a legally binding union, and are able to share legal rights together, can be together in the hospital if one of them is injured (this wasn't possible before), and a host of other things that have nothing to do with the biblical definition/presentation of marriage. If you believe they have a right to be together and to have the benefits of a legal partnership - go with that. The religious/sacred thing is a separate issue and you'll need to find your peace in that area.

Our children are the same age. The whole concept of sexuality is beyond them. We just tell our kids that the most important thing is to marry the person you love most in the world. So you tell your kids that their uncle loves his fiance the most of everyone in the world and wants to marry him. It doesn't have to be some big dramatic thing. It may be a challenge for you, but I think you know that the right thing to do here is support your brother and his future husband. It's not about you. I had a dear friend who married a guy I thought was a jerk. I wasn't thrilled about her marrying him, but I stood up as a bridesmaid and smiled and did my best to give her a great wedding, because it was not about me and what I thought was "right."

I didn't get to read this post and for that I'm sorry, but if I read the answers below it sounds like you love your brother and have a high regard for his fiancé (same sex) but that you don't agree with gay marriage.

I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. I also believe that people love whom they love. For some, me included, it is confusing. What upsets me the most is because I say that, people will say I'm a "hater" and "bigot" or whatever. I'm not any of those things. Doesn't make me intolerant, it just means I don't agree.

So, I'm sorry that you deleted your question. Some of the answers weren't very nice. You were asking a question and explained your feelings. Doesn't make you right or wrong, makes you human.

My thoughts? Everyone go to the wedding and support your brother. That is what families do. We love each other and celebrate the happy events, this is one of those events. =)

You know how my explanation of gay marriage went with my kids? I explained that two adults get married because they love each other, and sometimes those two adults are the same gender. Their response "cool, can I go play now?". It is not like you have to explain how gay sex works, would you explain how straight sex works if it was a straight marriage? You are making this into an issue and making yourself look intolerant by not simply being up front and honest with your kids about the simple fact that there is nothing wrong with marrying who you love, even if that person is the same gender as you.

As for the bible stuff, many biblical scholars do not agree with the faulty translations most of us read in current editions of the bible. To learn more about that I recommend a great documentary available on netflix called "for the bible tells me so". Not all Christians believe that the true bible ever condemned same sex marriage.

I guess I just don't understand why you felt the need to explain it at all.
People fall in love and get married. End of the story.

Offering details and exceptions to the rule, etc...will just confuse her.

I didn't get to chime in earlier but I saw your original question. FWIW I did not think you sounded like a bigot at all! You sounded like a person with a genuine question.

It's sad when people can't ask questions or honestly debate a topic without having the "bigot" or "racist" or misogynist card played. It chills and stymies all further commentary - perhaps that is the point. :(

I just read all the answers because this topic comes up often in my world. I did not read anyone calling you a racist or a bigot. A couple said that to deny your brother's marriage furthers those attitudes. Several noticed the disconnect between acting one way while believing another way. All these answers illustrate the difficulty we have when applying our beliefs in general to family members. I suggest you are sensitive to their answers because they do illustrate the difficulty in believing that one should act a specific way when believing a specific thing.

I wonder if you think, deep inside, that you are a bigot. Btw; I don't think you are and I suggest that nearly all these moms don't think you are either. They don't understand how you can love and accept your brother and still believe as you do.

I've finally come to the conclusion that if what I believe doesn't make sense in my real life then I need to spend time figuring out a way to make sense of it. Two or three moms listed specifics for what is actually said in the Bible. I've found that most of us blindly accept what the authority figures tell us is true. Each generation does the same. I suggest what we end up believing can be as accurate as the final words in the game gossip.

I suggest that each of us needs to decide for ourselves what we believe. For some of us it means blindly accepting what those in authority believe. This works until we come up against personal experience. Then we are in the painful position in which you find yourself.

You cannot quickly resolve such a serious disconnect between what you believe and the love you have for your brother. I agree with your deciding to go because you love your brother. I see love winning out over dogma.

I suggest that deciding about your childre's involvement is your way of expressing your confusion. In reality, at 4 and 6, this is not an issue at this time. They are too young to even be aware of the significance of any of this.They will be aware in several more years. I suggest you will have how you feel worked out by then.

I suggest it's always best to be honest with our children in an age appropriate way. What is age appropriate now is to say this is a family event. That it's a marriage only has superficial meaning at 4 and 6. Nothing needs to be explained. I suggest that if you answer their questions briefly and simply you'll realize that talking to them is not the challenge you expect.

That challenge comes later as they begin questioning beliefs. What said or didn't say at this time will likely not even be remembered. What will matter is how you've lived your beliefs all the years up until they begin questioning. I suggest your dilemma is the disconnect between love and dogma. You have time to figure that out.

It's your job to decide for her, and I can feel how confounding that must be. I wonder if this will help. There's a famous poem that goes:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."

That's the only place people can truly meet, heart to heart. Our ideas about sin and blame have truly kicked us out of the Garden and divided belief from reality. Your daughter won't care about the religious arguments at her age – it will matter to her that her family is happy and connected. I hope your love for your brother and soon-to-be brother-in-law wins out over one very particular interpretation of a text that includes so much more.

Wishing you well.

Your kids are at the perfect age and time in our society where this can be a non-issue. Don't make it an issue. Especially since it is already a norm for them in their own family. Imagine having to explain to your daughter when she is older that you didn't allow her to be in her uncles' wedding. I'm sure it will come out eventually. How will you explain THAT?

I didn't answer before because I was afraid I would be "mean" to you, but I am so glad you reposted! I can understand your struggle, as a Christian, it can be challenging. There are many things the Bible condones that most people today would find repugnant, so it makes sense that you find such contradiction and confusion when trying to reconcile your heart and your religion.
Hopefully, one day you won't need to "explain" gay marriage to your children at all, it's simply two people who love each other getting married. And that's all kids really need to know, they don't care about sex or any other "gross" details at this age, they just understand love and family and home, which is REALLY what it's all about, right?

By not allowing your child in the wedding makes you prejudice - plain and simple. You are talking out of both side of your mouth by 'accepting them and loving them' but you won't let your child in the wedding WT? I don't understand what you mean by explaining gay marriage - that is a ridiculous statement. If your child knows they are a couple, what are you actually explaining? I feel sorry for you that you don't recognize the difference and that you are being prejudice by your decision.

Why did you post? Did you only want others to agree with you? This is a sensitive subject and you knew that when you wrote the post. So.......you don't get to pull the 'victim' card now!

We just went to a gay marriage celebration with our 7 yr old. Since children don't understand sexuality yet, they don't really have the questions we think they may. I told him anyone can get married if they love each other. Everyone except sisters and brother and cousins. He didn't have any questions.

I guess I am as accepting of gay marriage as I am of heteromarriage, that my son didn't pick up any different vibe than from any other wedding we've gone to.

Maybe you can put your own feelings aside and let your daughter feel really special by being the flower girl and let your brother know that you support him.

I think you have your answer here: "Brother, I planned to attend your ceremony without the children. I appreciate your desire to include her, but I do not feel she should be your flower girl." Or something to that effect. But understand that there's not really a way not to hurt someone's feelings here.

But, as a follow up, if you visit Bro and Bro in law and your kids know them well, then you WILL have questions about gay marriage you will have to face, either at the wedding or at family events. If they have children, the hows of that will have to be addressed (adoption, surrogacy). You should consider what you will say to them. IMO, keep it simple and answer what the kids ask - often they just want really simple answers and not the whole schebang that adults give each other. Why do men marry men? Sometimes men like other men instead of liking women. That was enough for my 6 yr old.

Whatever you decide, I hope they have a beautiful wedding and you find a way to navigate this with love for your bother.

ETA: your quandary was a very long debate on a friend's FB wall recently. There are many points of view, and many opinions on whether or not homosexuality is a sin, what to teach our kids, etc. Personally, I feel there are many sins that are between the sinner and God. I'm married to a man who was previously divorced and in some people's eyes I'm committing adultery. I try to err on treating people with love and showing my DD to love others. It is OK to say you struggle and don't know and you would prefer one thing over another. Or that you grew up believing x. What does your son or daughter think for him or herself? (Probably a conversation that will come up later when they are older). And they can also talk to their uncles, especially your brother who was raised as you were.

I give you a lot of credit for coming back and I still wish you the same as before. That you can find a way to meet your brother with love in this, as you are a loving sister with a lot to think about. Things that were easy when the kids were babies are harder now. You just do the best you can. Sometimes we grow beside our kids instead of just guiding them.

I think that supporting them gets really real when it's time to have to explain it to your children. No matter how you think you feel about it, having to see it through your kids' eyes changes the game a bit, and you're allowed to process it. It's one thing to have something in your life every day. It's quite another to have to speak of it in terms that a young child--YOUR young child--will understand. It's like having to explain sex before you're ready to explain it. It doesn't mean that you don't genuinely support your brother's union.

The part that always concerns me is "love the sinner not the sin". That statement screams judgment and unacceptance and self-righteousness. I don't think that it's usually said with that understanding at the forefront; it's important to realize exactly what we're saying when we say certain things. It's so casually tossed about that people might not realize that the sentiment behind it speaks directly against what's going on, making the statement its own insult. It's offensive, and it belies everything that you say about being accepting. Imagine arguing a point that is very close to your heart and having the other person(s) say, dismissively, "Well, we all have rights, and you have the right to be wrong." Or "You're wrong, and I'll pray for you." The understanding is not "I'll pray that all goes well." The understood end of that thought is "I'll pray for you to come around to the way that I know that it should be." To tell somebody that who he is is a sin is not supporting him at all.

ETA: Being gay is NOT like having an affair or shoplifting, and putting it on that side of the fence--the SIN side--not only adds fuel to the greater fire, but it's also at the root of what's started the fire in the first place.

"I love you, but the fact that your eyes are set a little wide keeps me from supporting your right to show your face. Your face just is not the traditional type of pretty, and--unless you cover it up--I'll only associate with you within the confines of our homes." How do you think that you'd like for somebody to say that to you? That's the essence of "love the sinner, hate the sin". Maybe that's not how you THINK you mean it. I'm telling you what you're saying. You are still saying, "What you are is an abomination, but I love you, anyway," as if your "love" somehow makes the insult all right.

So you spend time with this couple, live them and kids know they are a couple right. So why deny your daughter the honor of being a flower girl at the wedding. Kids do not see anything but a wedding and the festivities that go along. Too young to understand the concept of same sex marriage. They are kids. Kids do not come into this world with prejudices. I would let her be in the wedding for sure. Do it for your brother.

My daughter has a gay uncle, and has understood from the beginning that love can be between a man and a woman, like her mom and dad, or between two men like her uncles. (I'm not sure she's as clear on the two women part, because she doesn't have any examples of that in her life, but we've talked about it.) It's never been a big deal in her life, it's just how things are. She was a flower girl when my sister got married, if her gay uncle had gotten married when she was at an age to be in the wedding, we would absolutely have allowed it.

It's God's place to judge, not ours. I figure as long as they're not hurting anyone, it's not my business to tell them how to live their lives. As my children grow up, they will not be told that there is anything wrong with being gay, even though we're Catholic. They have a gay uncle, and 2 cousins who have come out of the closet (although I'm not sure it can really be considered coming out of the closet if they were just never old enough for who they were attracted to to be an issue) and one who is gay but whose parents have forced him back into the closet because they refuse to believe it and won't let him tell anyone or date other boys. (very sad situation.) We don't love them less because of who they love.

I have already started talking to my young children that there are all different kinds of families. I would be proud to let me daughter stand up in her uncles wedding, regardless of whether he was marrying a man or a woman. For my family, this is a non issue.

I would be honored that my daughter was asked and certainly let her. Young children are accepting of others naturally. If they ask, simply say that some people fall in love with a member of the same sex. It is the truth.

My kids have known since they were old enough to pay attention (age 3?) that there are man/woman couples, man/man couples, and woman/woman couples and anyone can love anyone. We have two good lesbian mom couple friendships and one good gay guy couple friendship. The kids are very matter of fact about it. I don't think it's shocking to them or they spend any time thinking about it. They just play with these friend's kids. I think you should most definitely let your daughter be flower girl and support your brother. There are some things in the bible that are a bit outdated.

As a fellow Christian I fully understand the conflict you feel. I see it this way...EVERYONE sins. Everyday in little and big ways. In the larger scale of things who are we to judge another's choices and declare them "sinful" and "not sinful". It's not our place. It's not always what you do that's the true "sin" but the reason why you're doing it. That's biblical. The purity of intent and commitment are what I feel matters, not the individual's gender.

You can have your beliefs and teach your children your beliefs but still love, support, be there for him and have your daughter stand up in their wedding. It doesn't have to be one or the other. I wouldn't talk about the one man and one woman thing until after the wedding, though. You don't want little ones parroting this there!

I have taken the stand like this.

I believe we all came to earth to learn what being alive is like. To have challenges, trials, tribulations, sorrow, joy, experience death and birth.

I believe God sent each one of us here with our own challenges.

Some have developmental disabilities that keeps them from being able to do normal things in life like fall in love, have children, and so forth. Some people came here with mental illness, some with criminal tendencies, others came in a different gender body.

Some came and were fine with who they were but grew to find they were not attracted to a person of a different gender.

Yes, the church I am currently a member of has taken a stand that marriage is to be between a man and a woman and other stuff. Okay, I can see that from a church standpoint. They do have to preach/teach what they feel is in the scriptures.

BUT what I get is I AM NO ONE ELSE'S JUDGE.

Did you get that? It's not for me to judge, say anything, bully, shun, or preach to them. It's not my business and it's not for me to say they're wrong or right.

I enjoy male gender genitalia. I don't find women attractive in that way. I've been approached and thought about it, wondering if it would be "naughty" enough to be fun but found the thought to leave me flat. I just wasn't interested.

So that leaves me with my choices to go through. Some men leave me flat and uninterested too. Anyway, TMI!!!!

I believe it is MY job as a parent to teach WHEN I FEEL IT'S THE RIGHT TIME AND THE RIGHT TEACHING MOMENT to let the kids know about same gender relationships. That's my job and if I leave it until they're 16 it's my choice.

If I want to let them know all about it and what goes where when it's time to do anything with something at age 8 that's my choice too.

In my case the girl knows about same gender relationships and that they kiss and "stuff". I am NOT going to explain more until we have had the talk about where babies come from and that sex is NOT allowed until she has graduated high school and that we'd like for her to wait until she's married but I really don't expect her to stay a virgin that long.

When it's time we'll go there.

The boy? He's way too young to even imagine telling. I think he'd be grossed out by boys or girls kissing each other or a boy and girl kissing. He is very verbal about it at home just watching TV so I'd be worried he'd do that during the ceremony so I doubt I'd take him anywhere near a wedding.

J.,

If you love your brother, you will accept him.

You say you are "fine" with the kids spending time with him and his fiance - so do you not think your kids know what is going on?

If you do not support this and want to shelter your children from their uncle? Tell him "I'm sorry. I love you, but not that much. My daughter will not participate in your wedding ceremony."

Why not just tell your kids the truth? Your Uncle is gay. I don't approve, even though I love him. Or however you and your husband are handling the gay lifestyle (is it a choice or are you born that way?) I can't answer that question. I have plenty of gay friends, I'm happy for their relationships. However, I don't believe in gay marriage. So find a way to discuss it at your kids age level and work through this. The relationship isn't going anywhere - right? So when you go over to your brothers house - you are going to have to deal with it.

I agree with you that a marriage is between a man and a woman. However, in today's society - you must support anyone - even if it goes against your beliefs, if not. You'll be called a hater, racist, bigot, or something else.

What would I do? I would tell my children that while I love my brother, I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. However, I love my brother and want to support his relationship because that's what family does. While I do NOT believe in gay marriage - I do believe that you cannot help who you fall in love with.

Biblical stance on same sex
Genesis 19
Romans 1
Even God lets us choose but it always comes at a cost. And yes the bible does teach that we are to love the sinner and hate the sin and to love one another there is no contradiction there because it is also clear on same sex too.

I didn't see your original post but had to chime in. You are NOT a bigot or prejudice. People who are calling you one are intolerant of others and should be ashamed of themselves.

It's not your job to judge your brother's relationship. It is appropriate for you to support and love him unconditionally. He loves your daughter and wants her to be a part of a very important day. Denying that, would not be right (IMO). If you think about the future of your relationship with him, it could have a very negative impact. You also don't want your views to also impact their relationship (your brother and your daughter).

Besides, what do you think is going to happen if you allow her to be in the wedding? In my opinion, it's an obvious decision to make. Just think about how YOU would want to be treated in this same situation.

I am pretty conservative on most issues, but not this one. I think if you support their marriage then your daughter should participate. You didn't say how old your daughter is. If she's 2, there probably won't be any questions. If she's older, you can say a marriage is between two people who love each other and care about each other...because that is what it is.

This could fall under love the sinner not the sin. If your best friend had an affair, would she still be your friend? You can still be her friend--even though you don't condone her action (since it's against what the bible says). If your brother committed a crime, would you still talk to him? You can still like him even though he went against the bible. I don't think they contradict each other. You love the person no matter what--you just don't love their sin.

I agree with AV's response. Your kids are YOUR kids. Do what you feel most comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable with your daughter being a flower girl, do what you originally intended -- attend the wedding sans kids. Just tell your brother the truth, that you are raising your children to believe that a marriage is between a man and a woman and that you're not ready to discuss gay marriage with your kids if they start asking questions. But know that you'll eventually have to tackle this issue with your kids.

People may not like this and having not met Ur brother or his partner I can't say for sure. ..

But based on the posts on here a few weeks ago about flower girls and ring bearers. My guess is your brother only wants Ur dd for the cuteness factor not because he cares about including her.

I would play the young and unpredictable card and tell them u don't feel confident that she could "preform" for them. And that u want to enjoy the wedding as an adult event.

You'll ^have time when they are

This is a tough situation. The good thing is they know your brother and his partner so your daughter will be ok being a flower girl for them. I know what the bible says and what most of use were taught but you and your family seem to love your brother so he needs your support. If you can't let your daughter be the flower girl then let your brother know right away so that he can make other plans.

Kids are very resilient like we all know and they are more excepting. They don't become corrupt until parents and society ruin them so it you put a positive spin on the wedding she will happy being the flower girl. Good luck and I hope you will me the best decision for your family.