Hi! My brother is getting married this summer. He lives on one side of the country and is getting married in another part of the country, where his fiance grew up. My family lives nowhere near either location.
My sister and I are planning a shower in the town where he grew up so relatives and friends of my family could attend the shower. We are running into a few snags. One is that he is having a fairly small wedding. He doesn't really want to invite all these people to the wedding who he knows will not attend as most of the people are not able to travel long distances. My mother would like to invite all her friends but my sister is saying that is tacky because they won't be invited to the wedding. My mom doesn't really want to limit the invitations to just who is going to the wedding, because there will only be about 4 people there and she would like her friends/family to meet her future daughter in law. I'm trying to keep the peace in the family (and it's not easy!)
One thing I have suggested is we make it an "Engagement Tea" so it doesn't seem as much as a 'gift-grabbing' event. We could then be celebrating the upcoming wedding but at the same time introducing the fiance to all the local people. Does anyone have any suggestions of how we can do this without breaking any etiquette rules?
The other question I have-does anyone have any suggestions of a way to encourage people to not bring huge gifts. Because we will have to ship everything across the country, I'd hate to have all these breakable things. I know it's not too polite to suggest things but was wondering if there was a way we could do this without huge presents.
Thanks for any suggestions!
I think the engagement tea is a wonderful compromise! As for the gifts, maybe include a little card that reads "because "bride name" and "groom name" live in "name of state" we have included their mailing address for anyone that would like to send a gift to the happy couple".
I think the engagement tea or a post wedding celebration in your home town is a great idea. Your mom is wrong, etiquette wise. Those gals invited to the shower should also be invited to the ceremony, as well. I think that somehow not including a bridal registry and doing one of those online money gift accounts 'wedding depot' would be a nice way of saying cash, check or gift cards only. I had a bridal shower for a good friend who was relocating cross country post wedding and I said on the evite that they would appreciate gift cards to some of their favorite places and included a list. Good luck.
The tea is a lovely compromise that will not have people feeling they are being hit up for presents for an event they will not invited to. Great idea.
As for "huge gifts" shouldn't a gift registry solve that? People purchase from the registry and the store ships directly to the bride and groom.
Have fun!!!
An engagement tea is perfectly appropriate and acceptable! Inviting anyone to a wedding shower who is not invited to the wedding is not. Go with the tea. Some will bring a gift and some won't -either way is fine, but no one will feel pressured to do so.
The engagement tea sounds great. Family that won't be able to attend the wedding will get to meet the new family member. Now as far as the large gifts just put a note in the invites that that since gifts would have to be shipped and possibly get broken or lost make it a wishing well tea. That way gift cards and checks travel much better than crystal bowls.
My son recently got married in another town. They had a shower for my daughter in law there. I was not invited, nor her mother. I was so hurt. Invite whoever you want,your mother wants, etc. and let them decide if they want to come or not. Sometimes people really do understand so bring it up front. Feels good to hear the truth. In the case of my fellow mother in law (very nice lady!!) and myself it is really not understood why we weren't at least notified. The shower was with people that barely know either one of them and they only very recently moved there. There are many things that do not weigh a lot, small kitchen appliances, towels, etc.
Tip for "big" gifts - have the couple register at a store that is in both towns (bed bath and beyond, macy's, etc), and include the registry info in the invite. Almost always anything purchased on the registry can be returned without a receipt for store credit. After the shower, return all the gifts for store credit. When the get home, they go back and re-purchase all the gifts. A pain? Yes, but not compared to having to ship everything.
We were in a similar situation when my brother got married and also eventually for a baby shower for my sister-in-law. My parents hosted an engagement party for them in the city where my brother grew up. That allowed the opportunity for friends, neighbors, relatives, etc. to meet her. Everyone seemed to enjoy that. Even some people who were invited to the wedding were not able to go due to the distance so this still gave them an opportunity to meet each other. Some people did bring gifts but my parents promoted it as a party/opportunity to see them rather than a shower. I don't even think they sent invitations, just invited people by phone. There were men, women & children there. My sister-in-law's family did host a shower for her but my mom and I were the only ones from our family who were invited/attended due to the distance. The baby shower would have involved cross-country travel in the winter. Those of us who could not attend just chose gifts off the registry and the store shipped them directly. Everything made it there safely, nothing broken, etc. Maybe you could mention on the invitation that gifts shipped directly to your brother & future sister-in-law will be welcomed. I would hope people would be cooperative, knowing the situation. The only snag for us seemed to be older people who weren't comfortable using the internet to order gifts. Good Luck & I hope it all works out.
If they are not invited to the wedding, they should not be invited to the shower. In this situation, why can't they be invited to the wedding. Sure 99% of them won't attend because of the distance, but what's wrong with sending them an invitation?
As far as huge presents, have the bride register for only smaller, light weight items. Also, if any one asks for suggestions you could say, "I know they're saving for....., and would really appreciate a gift card to...."
Technically, you are not suppose to invite people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding. With the popularity of destination weddings, though, many people have a "hometown" celebration either before or after the wedding so that relatives and friends can meet the new spouse and celebrate. I think your idea for an Engagement Tea is perfect. And I would just say "No Gifts" on the invitation. Some people will bring gifts anyway but you can spread by word of mouth that part of the reason is the shipping costs so some people will figure it out.
I also think the tea sounds good, but I would request "no gifts" on the invitation. Since people don't really listen to that anyway (why is that??), they may ask you for registry details. At that point, you can go into some detail about having to ship things, etc...
What about waiting until after the wedding and having a reception type party. Many of my friends are LDS and they have private ceremonies in the temple then have wedding reception parties in his home town, her home town, if they are in college their friends have one too, it's lots of fun and the wedding attire gets worn more than once this way.
I think the family usually helps the newly married couple get their stuff to the new home but they could always take the stuff back and get the money then repurchase what they need at home. One of my friends just rented a u-haul and took all their stuff back to Provo where the new couple was setting up house. Everything from both receptions fit in and it all was in good condition when it arrived.
