Blunt 4 Yr Old

I agree with Elisabeth A.'s response, 100%. I, too, don't get why, if you are there for her to look at to confirm if it is ok to do what she is asked, he is asking her to do anything.

She's obviously confused about the role your boyfriend has in her life. And she's looking to you to set the boundaries. What is he asking her to do? Why is being put in the role of parent like this? He's not even a step-parent yet, so I would think their relationship should be more based on friendship and fun times together, not a push for "respect me or else."

Remember that by telling her that she "has to listen to him because he is an adult" you may be setting her up to "listen" to the wrong adult in the future. To put it bluntly, you are minimizing her feelings about this person, and children need to learn to listen to their gut instincts about people so as to avoid bad situations with them. Yes, she should be respectful, even polite. But her emotional state needs to be respected, too, and she is your first concern, not your boyfriend. She needs to know she can trust you as a confidant, that if something is making her "feel funny or not right" she can talk to you about it without judgement. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of small children being introduced to the bf/gf too early in the relationship; considering all you have said, I hope he is in this for the long haul.

Ask her how she feels about him, let her be totally honest about it, without retribution. It may very well be that this other person who told her to say those things is at the root of the problem, but your daughter already had confusing feelings about your BF to begin with or the other person would have failed at instigating all of this.

As I said many of times....What do you expect. Your 4 year old is from a broken family and she is not going to blend in or obey someone that is taking her daddy's place. You daughter must always come first with you and her father. Your boyfriend should take the back seat and give her time. If it doesn't work out then you must put you daughter needs first and call it quits with your boyfriend until you see that your daughter is growing up in a very loving and understanding household.She has to get use to not having her mommy and daddy together and that is going to be the hardest thing for her to do in her whole entire life. Put youirself in her place and understand her pain.....Good luck and many blessings....

Hi, T.! I think it's interesting that you mentioned that your daughter looks at you for confirmation when your boyfriend tells her what to do. I think that's actually great!

It sounds like your daughter is very strong-willed, but in all honesty, at such a young age, it's probably very hard for her to understand that this "new" person in her life is an authority figure. Children that age tend to see things in black and white, and to her, this man is not her father.

It sounds like you're already making progress, but my suggestion is just to stick to your guns, go ahead and reaffirm that his direction is okay to follow. As long as she knows that it's NOT okay to disrespect an adult, the rest will follow in time.

PS- I'm a step-daughter myself and used the very same line on my step-father for YEARS!!! I think it's just a way of trying to define a situation that's hard for a kid to undertand.

Good luck to you!

i too have a daughter she is 12.I started dating the guy that is now my husband when she was 6 they were pretty good together.we got married and we have two boys she is always fighting with him says she hate him. she doesn't know her father but she too gets made and says i don't have to listen your not my dad.So i try my hardest to get them to do things together and talk about why they feel the way they do.Somedays it works others it doesn't

hi my name is I. and im a mom of 2 daughters and they are a lot older then yours.one sit and talk with her see why she dont want to do what he say,then don't make her try do something she don't want to do for him it's a reson why she doing this .that not her dad and she don't have to do anything she don't want,but she do have to show some respect,she only 4 give her some time .
but keep your eyes open we as mom don't see everything.it could be the way he talk to her.im not trying to start nothing but we have to look on bouthside to know whats going on i have been their.

well, first i speak from experience when i say, it is very hard to take any discipline from anyone but your parents. my dad and mother divorced when i was very young, and he remarried a couple times and my mom had a few serious boyfriends.. one of her boyfriends tried to be so controlling of my older sister, that she felt she had to runaway a couple times... (my mom finally realized how possessive he was and dumped him)

these are my thoughts: if your child is doing something that will possibly harm themselve, then by all means let the b/f interject. but when it comes to bed time, eating, general do's and donts, those need to come from you.. he is only 4, he isnt 10. he doesnt even know what respect really means yet. ( i have a 4 yr old to, and i am also working on that word). as a kid, i didnt want either parents sign. other telling me what to do.

to make your b/f more liked, i would take that role away from him and just let them get to know each other and play.. if the b/f is demanding more, then be careful, thats kinda controlling and thats just a red flag for other behaviors. does the b/f have kids? if not, he might not "get it" and hopefully if he is understanding, then once you talk, he will let you take the lead.

there is nothing worse then having someone in your life that your kid doesnt. it makes life very hard.. and you dont want to get off the wrong foot.

you may break up with your b/f, but you will always have your kid, and he HAS to come first, no matter what.

my dad divorced a woman becuz she was jealous of us and so she wasnt that nice to us and we didnt like her.

reading this brought back alot of memories for me and one of my first thoughts was not to worry about making your b/f comfortable, he is the adult.

i always knew i came first with my parents, and they didnt cut the other person off or anything, it was just kinda understood that my parent would handle it.

and also, maybe with the help of the real father, once a "serious long term relationship" status has happened, maybe all of you can sit down and talk, then he would see his father and the b/f together.

T.,

I was on other end of that stick. I was dating a guy who son did the same to me. What he did was talked to his son (just as you did), and I at the same time. He really enforced respect, and things never really got better. (He only got his son every other weekend.) I think you did the right thing by talking to the person she was getting it from, because that's where it starts. He never talked to that person and she continued to have bad things to say about me. His son proved it every weekend he came believe me!!!!

I really don't have any advice, but I understand.
Good Luck

This is always a tough situation. I have a 15 year old step-son named William & when I met my husband 6 years ago, I had to discipline someone else's child (he was 9 at the time & probably more set in his ways then your daughter). However when I became his step-parent, I received some back up from both parents, but it was still a struggle for William. He now listens to me without too much of a struggle (though being a teenager has it's own set of challenges).

The best thing you have is the support you give your boyfriend & re-enforcing that with your daughter & whomever is "stirring up the hornets nest" & getting your daughter to view the boyfriend as un-important. It will take time, but she will learn you are not backing down & she needs to listent to both of you equally. It sounds like you are off to a good start, keep up the good job. It will get easier!