I noticed my EH (estranged husband, soon to be ex) side of the family only communicate around Christmas and birthdays. I don't hear from them (the ones with children) any other time, not even hello, how's the baby, life, etc. To answer the question before it's asked, when we were married he didn't have a close relationship with his immediate/extended family and that hasn't changed, except for holidays/birthdays.
Anyway, I get word there is going to be a party for one of the kids. We attended one in November and brought gifts but not one of them sent a card or even called for my daughter's first birthday. I feel like a gift machine and I'm certainly not looking to receive because I give, but I just think a simple happy birthday or a card will do. I am not attending this party but I will send a card.
Do you feel like a gift machine?
As I've said I am going to send a card. Also, I said I am not giving to receive. My daughter did NOT have a party but no one thought to send a card, make a phone call. This again is just a simple question about gifts. This has nothing to do with punishing kids etc by not attending birthday parties. Truthfully I don't plan on being at parties every year nor do I plan on having one for my daughter every year. I think it's overkill. However, it is a two-way street. They seem to want, want, want all the time but don't even pick up their phones or attempt to visit. **Obviously there's no problem because they're always making appearances around birthdays and Christmas, but we don't get invites to anything else.** As for being happy to be invited by his family, their invites don't make my day because they always involves me spending money which I refuse to do anymore. A card will have to do. It's the thought, right? I don't like to feel used because I don't use people. Thanks to all who actually answered the question.
I refuse to be around the family that could care less about me, ive learned that if they dont care now they will likely never care. I put all of my energy in the family i have that DOES love me, and my friends who love me i have adopted as my family. Just because they are blood doesnt mean i have to like them, or be around them, i want positive friendly loving energy in my life. Not a guilt trip, obligation, forced politeness.
No, not a GIFT machine or a GUILT machine. There is no need to send a card or continue communicating with people who don't give a rat's A about you or your family.
Give your energy to family, friends and people who would really appreciate you.
Blessings...
Sometimes- I do.
Best solution- assuming you want to be a "good" aunt- send a cute .99 birthday card and enclose a $5 check.
What I've noticed is that people are not teaching their children to be grateful these days. The mentality seems to be "you owe me a gift if I invite you to the party (no gratitude required)."
I write out a thank you card for my kids and let them doodle in it. respectively they are 36months and 18months old. Not old enough to fill out their own cards. But, I'd like them to see it happen every time they get gifts so it will be second nature by the time their old enough to do it themselves.
Go on in making your own life. If they are not trying to encourage a 'cousins' relationship, let it go.
I do have one immediate family member (and their child) who does make me feel like a gift machine, sometimes. When I send something via post, I never even hear if they've received it. I've not once in the child's life (he's 13) received a thank-you letter. It makes me really want to do less, because the well-chosen gifts aren't appreciated-- it seems like it's 'just another thing'. Even when my husband took the child to a sports event, (which was very expensive), his parent couldn't even be bothered to bust out a note. or even an email.
A bigger question is 'What happened to showing appreciation and 'growing' the relationships of our children's friends and relatives?" I think that "Thank You"s are an integral part of helping our children foster strong relationships as they get older. When our children show appreciation for gifts or special outings, etc., I think this makes those people *want* to do those things again. My nearly-four year old son and I sit down from time to time to draw pictures and to send a message ( I take dictation) of thanks for various gifts or treats. This is an important practice, one I wish would be revived. Even an intentional phone call of thanks is nice.
Sorry, so "EH" stands for? Extended Husband's side of the family????
Well, my In-Laws... only communicate with us at Christmas. They only call us about once a year. Then have the gall to ask why "we" do not call them or visit them. (we have done that).
They don't acknowledge my kids birthday's.
They have NEVER come to visit us, here in Hawaii.
They live abroad. But that is no excuse. MANY of our friends who have relatives abroad, come to visit them. ONCE a year.
They never even came, not one of them, to our wedding. That was 13 years ago.
This past couple of Christmases, we have not sent gift boxes. It is the cost. Plus, they are not really extending any reciprocation much at all.
Even my Hubby gets irked.
But we contact them via phone or Skype, for our kids's sake.
So no. I do not feel like a gift machine.
I, in the past, as the daughter in law, used to, send my MIL things or cards at her Birthday, and for the nieces/nephews etc. I don't do that anymore. No guilt on my part.
Not all families are close.
Before or during marriage.
So, that is the so called "relationship."
What does your Husband think about it all?
No, I don't feel like a gift machine. I enjoy getting gifts for my nieces and nephews - even if they aren't recipricated. I figure it's not their fault their parents don't respond in kind. I only see my brother a few times a year and I want to keep it that way. We just don't get along and that's okay. I'm not going to ignore his kids because of that.
I am not going to address the gift machine issue so much as how these people are treating you. Toni V. kind of put it in a way that tells us all that we should value ourselves and our families. If you are wishing to keep connected so that in case your children someday want to look up their cousins then send them bi-annually little notes about what the kids are doing (kind of like those Christmas cards people send who don't really want to spend time writing or talking to us and always very busy). And if you were asking then I think you already have an idea what you want to do. That sounds fine. Send a card and that's it. I have however noticed that I do not get thank you's anymore for much of anything and have even gotten 'thanks for the gift' on texts. If this is what is the modern world it kind of makes me sad. I still thank you notes.
Did you invite his family to your daughter's birthday party? If you didn't extend an invitation, they may have just forgotten. Trust me, my family always forgets my kids' birthdays. I don't take it too personally!
Consider this: It's nice of your EH's family to continue to include you in their family parties. That may change if you divorce, but take advantage of the family connection while you have it, if only for you daughter's sake.
I would also say, don't punish your nieces and nephews for their parents' actions. While you are under no obligation to give anything, I would say that it would be nice to continue the relationship between your kids and her cousins. If the only connection is through gifts, then so be it. At least it is a connection.
I would say, act in a way that makes you proud of yourself. If you like these kids and you enjoy giving them gifts, go ahead. If you feel taken advantage of, or if you feel like the relationship is not reciprocal, perhaps you can politely send a *just* card for birthdays.
My sister in law never remembers my daughter's birthday, my husband's birthday or mine. So, after about 15 years of this, I stopped sending cards to her and her husband for their birthdays. However, I do remember her daughter's birthday. I don't feel her daughter should be slighted because her mother is that way. Plus, I want to teach my daughter that we remember birthdays and acknowledge them. I don't send much -- a book, a cute shirt, something.
However, if you can't afford it or you really don't want to continue with gifts, then I think a card is nice. Maybe tuck a dollar or two into the card. Kids always love to get cash!
