Birthday Party Issue - Fairbanks,AK

I agree with poster below. Her party, her choice if guests.
If you need to have a "private moment" with an attendee? So be it!

Your daughter should invite the people she wants to have attend her party. It is then up to the guests to attend or not. Once there, it is up to you as the parent to insure good behavior (which includes telling all the girls that we need to be respectful of other people if you see they need a reminder....taking Sara aside if necessary).

i'm surprised at how many people are suggesting you skip the sleepover. sleepovers are part of the charm of being a tween. and how is it helpful for kids to learn how to deal with challenges if we just have them bypass all possibilities for fun if there might be a challenge involved?
your daughter can make a value judgment as to whom to invite, and decide to pass on inviting sara. reciprocity is nice but it's not the bottom line. this is your daughter's party and she gets the final say. you can work with her on ways of handling it if sara confronts her.
or she invites all 4 girls and you take charge by calmly laying out the boundaries at the beginning of the party, and look them in the eye and tell them that if there's any drama, you'll be taking the drama llama(s) home.
if things start to get tense, give 'em the mama eyeball. if that doesn't work, calmly follow through.
do not let some other kid make decisions for yours.
khairete
S.

Simple. Invite both girls. They can either be civil to one another, or they can go home if they get snarky. At twelve, they are old enough to understand basic manners.

I've been there - my daughter is just graduating from HS so it was only a few years ago that we were dealing with this middle school stuff. Invite all the girls. Your daughter needs to tell them that if they intend to go they must get along with eachother. If they don't think they can do it then they should decline the invitation. Lots of people have weekend plans with their families and if the girls give this reason for not being to come that's fine.

My daughter has surprised herself over the years when she discovered someone she thought she "hated" was really nice & fun when they were forced together in social situations like this. Hopefully this will happen with these girls.

When the girls arrive as the mom you should say something like "I'm so gald you're here - I know you girls are all going to have a great time together". Establish positive expectations at the outset - encourage the positive, ignore the negative. (Freshman psychology - Operant Conditioning - it does really work.) ;o)

And provide an opt out for the sleep over. For the few birthday sleepovers we've had I always offered jus tthe evening part or botht he evening & sleepover. Some kids came to the party and left at 10:30ish (early game in the morning, uncomfortable with sleepover, etc.) and others stayed the night. It always worked out.

Finally - I'm so glad I'm past the sleepover era. It's a misnomer as very little sleep takes place - espcially for the parents... Give yourself time for a nap the next day!

I agree with all of the posters. It would be a shame for your daughter to deprive herself of a birthday party, so have the party and invite all 4 girls. The moment all 4 girls arrive at your house, nip it in the bud immediately and have a "heart-to-heart" with all 4 of them - not just Sara (so she won't be embarrassed if you pulled her aside). Give them all a brief lecture about respect for others, not being rude to others, not saying anything rude about others behind their back, and give them the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all" phrase. If you have this chat with them from the getgo, I think the party will go smoothly. If, however, Sara chooses to disregard your speech and to be rude anyway, then you will need to pull her aside for a private chat. If you need to do this, officially put her on "warning," explaining that there is a zero tolerance policy for rude behavior. Tell her if she chooses to say or do anything rude again, you will call her mother to come pick her up. End of story!!!!! Let us know how this party turns out - curious!! Good luck!

Have the party, invite the 4 girls and you as the parent can just keep an eye on things...make sure everyone is treating each other nicely. If not, take "sara" or whoever you need to aside for a quick talk on appropriate behavior. This sounds like typical behavior for the age. Don't worry about this, just have the party and keep the focus with the girls on having fun!

Here's how things panned out with my SD. If she invited all the girls she wanted, we explained that it was up to each guest to attend or not, stay or not, and get along or not. If the girls started fighting with each other, we'd be calling parents to come get them. So I would talk to my DD and say all that and then let the chips fall. Now, that said, if *I* felt a kid was a problem, I would discourage the invite unless I thought I could manage said child. If you find her disturbing, what do you mean by that? Is it something where you could take her aside and say she needs to stop making loud comments because it is rude and if she doesn't, you'll have to call her mom to pick her up?

You might also tell your DD she can have one friend sleep over. What we did was keep the sleepover girl's stuff in our room, done the party, and after everyone else was picked up, we let them camp out on the floor. If you think that this will be too much for a sleepover, you can always tell her just one girl this time.

If any of the kids has a problem, you can be the bad guy. "Sorry, but my mom said I can't do the sleepover bit with everybody" I never had a problem being the excuse.

I'm also with Leigh in wondering why you allowed a trip for your DD with a girl you find "disturbing". Did her behavior get worse later or has she always been that way? May be time to nudge this friendship away.

The only thing you might reconsider is the sleepover. I think the skating could be adequately supervised. From my experience...sleepovers are a bag of worms. The kids get in fights when the parents aren't around. Rather than cancelling the whole thing, just have the skating party.

Another vote here for yes to skating, and a firm no to sleepover. Sleepovers provide many hours of opportunity for kids to get on each others' nerves! It is good that your daughter is socially aware enough to know that pairing these two girls is not a great idea. I think she will also be smart enough to see that skating keeps them all busy and focused on the activity rather than on each other, whereas a sleepover will turn into too much chat and that will bring on Sara's comments and judgments. I do not have any issue with foreseeing and managing a situation like this to a degree, because your child wants to have fun -- not be managing her friends' issues.

Tell your daughter she can have a small sleepover during the summer just for fun. She should not mix these girls there, either.

As a side issue: If Sara's so judgmental and makes comments that you "find disturbing," why did your child go away with her for several days? Sounds like too much togetherness with a child of whom you don't really approve. Not judging YOU here -- I'd bet that Sara's problems didn't come to light until after that trip. And if your girl's like mine, she might want to befriend Sara because she feels Sara needs a friend, and needs help. But if she's not a person your kid should be around, I'd consider reducing their time together after this party. Summer gives you a natural break to separate them a bit. Don't be heavy-handed, though, or tell your child that you dislike Sara; just be sure your child is too busy with other activities and seeing other kids when Sara wants to meet up. "Oh, sorry, Sara's Mom, but Sally's in camp this week and next and it's really busy with vacation after that...."

Maybe Sara is nice to your child right now and not so nice to others, and maybe Sara does need a friend -- but if your gut tells you she might not be a good influence on your child, it's time to be cordial but too busy.

Have the party, enjoy the skating, skip the over night.
For a few hours, everyone can have a good time without the pressure of being with someone that can't stand for a whole night.

Do the skating and then if you want the sleepover then only 1 girl for that.

HR.....Don't think a sleep over is a good idea! Let your daughter invite one friend at a time and "deep six" the drama.