BIL Girlfriend Dilemma

Well, you said her complaints are almost all valid. Sounds like she has reason to be upset in that case and really needs to vent, perhaps she feels she has noone else to talk to. Since I don't know what her complaints are, I don't know the severity of the situation.

I would tell her, "I really think the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist, perhaps even relationship counseling if you want things to change. I feel for you going through all this, but this is my husband's brother, and my husband and I share everything. At this point, I would rather stay out of any discussions on relationship problems, though I do hope you get help and resolutions with them."

I only read the first half of your post before I mentally "hung up."...which is exactly what I also would have done in your situation.

Call her and tell her you are uncomfortable with any information, opinions, editorials that you cannot freely share with your husband. Then keep it all to yourself.
IF she goes off again, it's fair game to tell your husband because she's been warned.
But really--what difference would knowing/telling any of this really make?

.

Your first mistake was not telling her immediately that you don't keep secrets from your husband. I always tell people this when they want to relate a "secret" to me, because I don't and I won't keep anything from him, it's not the kind of relationship we have.
Secondly, your husband already gave you great advice: "he said I need to confront her and tell her to stop talking about my BIL and niece." Do it the next time she calls as soon as you pick up the phone, right after "hello". Set the boundaries now, or it will only get worse.

Sounds like she is reaching out to you as a friend/confidant when she feels she has no one else to talk to.

If you can't BE that friend for her, you really ought to say so. She has what she feels are legitimate concerns, considering her SO loves her, I would think she DOES in fact have legit concerns.

If it's not your bag, you need to say so. Clearly she thinks you're a better/closer friend then you actually are.

:(

I think you should tell her that while you appreciate that she feels she can confide in you, you'd rather not be confided in when it comes to your family who you love and are committed to. She obviously is on a different page that your BIL and putting you in the middle isn't fair. I understand your concern about being able to fully convey this to her since she seems to be a real "talker", so I'd write her a letter. I'd be very respectful to her, remembering that anything in writting can easily come back to haunt you. Tell her that you've heard only good things about her from your BIL, and that it would be better to discipline further conversations to topics that no one needs to keep secret, as you don't keep secrets from your husband. I, too, would avoid phone calls until you think she's had time to read the letter. She'll have time to absorb it, and you'll have time to plan your response. Good luck!

Ok. First off you called her first and gave her the opening. Don't ignore it. If she calls answer it and if she starts say please stop talking bout the family it makes me very uncomfortable. I do not mind talking to you but not about that. Poor thing probably has no one to talk to and you were nice to her.. If you ignore it watch it will become a rift between you and the family

I would pass the information on to her. Tell her that he loves her and that he thinks she is wonderful.

She may not have anyone to talk to and you do need to set a few boundaries. She is family, she is an important part of BIL's life therefore family. She will most likely be around for a very very long time. She thinks of you as family and needed a shoulder/ear to cry to. I'd let her vent a couple of times but also say some positive things to perhaps help her redirect her thinking. Telling her communication is a good way to resolve her issues.

Next time she calls, tell her you are sorry that she is so unhappy and having such a hard time. Be sympathetic. But then tell her that you cant be the person that she vents too. You share everything with your husband, and dont feel that you can keep her confidences from him.

Tell her that you are sorry again that she is unhappy and suggest that she find another friend outside of the family whom she can talk to.

Well, for some reason she has targeted you. The only way to stop it is to nip it in the bud right away and not mince words. I would not wait for my husband to do it either. I would have to level with her and tell her how highly BIL speaks of her and how shocked and upset you are that she talks so badly about him and your niece. I would then have to tell her that I cannot continue to speak to her until she starts talking about your family in a better way. Otherwise, she is going to continue to call and continue to gripe about BIL and others to you like she has. I would not be able to tolerate it.

Good points made here. Don't trust her in any way. She sounds like someone who will two-time her friends, relatives etc. Just be civil and keep your distance. You seem to have it together so stay cool and stay away.

You need to set boundaries. Tell her that discussing your BIL/her marriage is off limits. Tell her that is between them & that you cannot willingly listen to someone bash your husband's brother. Tell her she is putting you in the middle & in an awkward position by discussing him with you.

OK... Well, you need to tell her relationship issues are between her and her spouse. If she truly loves him, she needs to talk it out with HIM not you. To discuss things like this behind your partner's back is not loving and doesn't help the situation. Also tell her that he has said nothing but kind things about her and seems to be oblivious to the problems.

Either she loves him enough to work on the issues, or she needs to break it off and move on.

If you get in the middle of this, it becomes he said/she said and that never seems to turn out good.