Being Overprotective

I know this is difficult for you, and some people have given you advice on different things. My first thought was that if you DON'T back off, someone on some Mommy's board somewhere will be posting about their overbearing MIL....

Anti-anxiety medication.

It is perfectly appropriate to worry about them.
Texting until 2am and not being able to relax crosses over into clinical, and has a negative impact on their lives and yours.

if your anxiety levels are this high and have been for 30 years and you haven't naturally developed coping techniques, it's probably time to try living better through some good therapy + meds. that's not a bad thing! just think of it is as helping you develop some coping tools.
some worry is to be expected. even when they're grown they never stop being our babies. i still like my grown sons to shoot me a text when they've arrived somewhere, but they would feel intruded upon if they had to keep texting me until 2am. you've done well to raise confident adventurers, but you do need to turn 'em loose to do it and to start relaxing and enjoying your OWN adventures.
khairete
S.

I don't think you ever stop worrying. I'm 32 and I still call my parents when I land or arrive at my destination after a long car trip. They worry if they don't hear from me around the time I should be getting in and will call to check.

However, I would be incredibly annoyed if my mother texted me continuously while on vacation with my family or friends. You have to stop... your daughter's husband won't appreciate the continual check-in on the honeymoon and your son is likely not telling you the truth about where he is or what he is doing b/c he's an adult and doesn't need to check in with you all night long.

At some point you have to trust that you raised your children to be independent and intelligent adults regarding decisions and their well-being and let them live their lives. You can worry, just please stop hovering and insisting that they be constantly connected to you. It's not healthy.

It IS difficult to relinquish that all time, hands on control, isn't it?

However, if I compare your worry level about your 29&30 yr olds against MY worry level with my 18, 16, 14 yr olds......

It's not that I don't worry AT ALL, but no I do NOT worry myself sick.

I wonder how THEY feel about your worry?

Maybe time to get yourself a little help with this?

:)

Your worry seems quite overboard to me. They are too old for you to be worrying about that type of thing anymore. I mean, a flat tire? So what they bare old enough to change a flat tire. Drinking and driving and car accidents? Are you worried that they will drink and drive? I would assume that you have taught them better than that. Accidents happen. Your parenting job is now done, as far as teaching them to be responsible enough to avoid accidents. But of course they still happen, and you just have to believe that they are old and wise enough to be able to handle whatever situation comes along. If you were busy gardening, working out, painting, reading, cooking, playing cards with friends, would you still be worrying? If not, then keep busy. If yes, then you know you need help and if talk therapy hasn't helped consider anti anxiety medication.

Please don't take this the wrong way but you need a therapist, for your sake and your kids. I stopped worrying about mine when they were around 12 to 14. They are now 21 and 23, they live their own lives and I don't worry much. It is just not normal to worry as much as you do, especially when they have given you no cause to be concerned.

LOL Robyn R. - I was thinking the SAME thing! :)

My husband's mom is very similar; my husband simply doesn't tell her much (which I think is sad). She's very loving but her anxiety can be overwhelming, and sometimes it almost feels like a control issue.

I would really seek help for the anxiety, even if you have tried to before - it can't be fun to live that way, and it may harm your relationships with your adult kids at some point.

Good luck.

Hi K.,

Mine son will be 15 next week, getting his driver's permit this summer, and I am already worrying about *next* summer when he and his friends are all driving and going out. LOL

I am also a worrier, so I feel you.

The key for me is trying to balance my worries and fears with his independence. And ensuring that my overactive imagination doesn't negatively impact him and prevent him from growing and exploring. So, I keep most of them to myself.

My son and I have a healthy relationship, he does text me when is at friend's houses, school functions, band events, heck, even on the bus home from school some days. But, not really to check in, more to say "Hi" and chat with me.

If your worrying is negatively impacting your life, then I would suggest you try therapy again. Find a therapist that you are comfortable with and try again.

Also, you need to fill your life with other activities and interests now that your children are grown. Sometimes we worry because we just have too much time on our hands. If we are busy, and focused on other things, we don't have time to worry. It also makes us better Mothers to have our own lives.

Remember worrier is just two vowels away from warrior !!

God Bless

I agree w/ Carrie, and only want to add a suggestion to try praying -if you haven't already :)

They have their own lives.
When my family flies, I figure I'll know if there is a problem from TV before the authorities call me. I figure no news is good news.
Find something to do with all that nervous energy. Find something that you can focus on other than your kids...
LBC

Worrying is playing negative scenarios over and over again in your head. These scenarios may be based on legitimate possibilities, however, there is a total focus on only the negative possibilities. For some reason, we believe that if we worry - constantly think about what might happen - then we can somehow prevent that thing from happening. How is that working out for you? How much stress is this causing? How is this negatively effecting all your relationships? How is this effecting your health?

How do you let go? First, as you have done, you become aware of what you are doing. Next, you become really curious about what your fears are. How fearful are you of loss? Does just the mention of the word loss throw you into anxiety? Does loss feel like the end of the world to you? Have you had some serious losses in your life that are still haunting you? Were you ever given tools to deal with the losses and tragedies that may have happened in your childhood? Were you taught that somehow you are supposed to make sure that bad things never happen? Do you have an irrational belief that if we are just good enough or do the right thing then bad things won't/shouldn't happen?

I have learned that loss is inevitable and yet it is the one thing we fear most in this world. Because we fear it, we tend to learn to deny it, manage it, control it, fix it, etc, instead of learning the tools we need to simply flow with it. We cannot keep bad things from happening. We can allow ourselves to find tender, loving, creative, and compassionate ways to support ourselves through whatever may appear. We each have great capacity to come through any experience wiser, stronger, gentler, more empathic, and actually more peaceful if we learn to release our resistence and allow for reality.

Worrying will never make someone safe. Nothing actually can. However, you can be fully supported and strong and wise no matter what may fall. I know that your fear runs deep and most of it is unconcious. I know that all you want to do is avoid the pain of loss. I know that the fear feels so overwhelming that you really don't think you could cope. I also know that all of that is a lie. You have everything you need to face and transform any scary, sad, hard, tragic, experience that you may encounter. You may have never had permission to know that you are powerful enough.

You have the same irrational, unconcious programming that most moms do, that somehow, you are the one responsible if something "bad" happens and that somehow if you worry enough or control enough or are just good enough then you can prevent whatever might happen.

We can't prevent the sad things. We can, however, develop and share tools that allow us to be graceful in our dance with the heartbreaking times. The future truly is unknown and truly anything is possible. My life dramatically shifted when I finally realized that there are just as many good things that could happen as bad. As long as I clung to the beliefs that I should control the "bad" possibilities and focused on those possibilities by worrying, I was miserable all of the time. I learned to question my beliefs and thoughts. I learned the process of letting go. I learned that fear is simply based on my irrational beliefs - lies that I was buying into.

I learned to let go of the tool of worrying and to replace it with the tool of resourcing. Now I allow life to bring me what it will and I resource myself to use whatever happens to my benefit. I write, I feel my feelings, I comfort myself, I ask for help, I rant and rave, I do things that bring laughter in my life, I seek out people that are supportive, I dance, I drink a cup of hot chocolate, I take a bubble bath, I make jewlery, I read, I attend a webinar, I listen to music, etc. Most of all, I look for the things that I can learn from each experience.

There definitely is a way out of the vicious box of worrying. You can have a more peaceful life. You can transform fear of loss and tragedy into moments of profound learning and strength. I know because I did it myself.

Your question: how do you finally just let go and not worry yourself sick?
Wish I knew the magical solution someone else will come up with. In the meantime my answer and I have a son who recently got out of the service and traveled all over the world, and another son both in their twenties and well despite all their meanderings I guess I still say this is my answer to your question.
YOU DON'T

And why did the therapy not help? What did your therapist recommend that was difficult to implement or accept????

I have a 22 year old gorgeous daughter living on subsistence wages in Guatemala with the US Peace Corps. And the Peace Corps volunteers in the neighboring state were evacuated last month due to drug cartel threats. They would be next.

Am I worried sick? I could be....I pray for her health and safety all the the time...I asked her to get a dog. She did...thank God.

I raised her to be confident and self-assured and not to go anywhere alone, ever, ever, ever.....and never to accept drinks from strangers...she gets it. I trust her. I find that if I focus on the amazing, positive things she is doing, rather than fret about the potential dangers....I cope just fine.

Do your kids know you worry this excessively about them?

Did you have a terrible travel experience yourself when you were younger that would cause this unreasonable amount of fear now?

You love your kids and you just have an over excited nervous nerve. The only thing I can think of is to get yourself involved with your activities. Pottery classes art classes. Find out what you enjoy. Even a nice trivia place online. It will help you take your mind off a bit and slowly let go a bit. But if you kids are willing to call when they arrive someplace when they go on vacation thats not necessarly a bad idea that someone knows and expects.

No. Hopefully you are the normal one. Its the kids/adults who have no-one to worry about them that I feel sorry for. I know for fact that I will worry about my child till the day I die and my family all feels the same. My mum & Dad still worry about us kids and we are in our 30's/40's!!! There would be something wrong if you didn't care. All you can do is try to relax, take a deep breath and tell them to check in occasionally to put your mind at rest. You sound like a wonderful mom.

My children are still young 8 years old to be matter of fact but I think about when they get older and the things that can happen and I am typically a "worrier" as well. However I also understand letting go of your children at some point is the healthest thing to do....but I still worry no matter what but your worry seems to be over-obessive to a point.
I personally believe that my children do not "belong" to me-they belong to God and I have/am raising them to understand this. It has helped with some of the worry for me. God gave me my twins as a gift. It's my responsability to teach them the truth and to lead them and set myself as an example according to his word. It is not up to me whether they are in my life for the remainder of my own life or just a season. No parent ever "wants" to bury their own child-it's unnatural....not supposed to happen that way but I try to remind myself that my children do not "belong" to me-yes they were given to me as a gift and I try to treasure that because I never know what could happen-having twins I knew the risk involved and I knew there could be complications but I knew from my whole being that God had placed his hands in each and every single one of our lives. I was blessed with two healthy beautiful baby girls who have grown to become beautiful blessed little girls and I hope and pray that one day they will become blessed beautiful women of God. I hope and pray that my daughters outlive me because I cannot imagine the pain....but the worry isn't worth it either. You have to learn to let it go and know that GOD has those children in HIS hands. God chose me and my husband to have these two little girls-It was a natural occurance and God just decided that having these two girls in our lives was within his plans. I have questioned it many of times but in the end I know there is a reason and now that I have had them in my life for 8 years I know it was not a mistake for them both to be here. They have truly taught ME a few things in life and furthermore continue to do so. It isn't always about ME teaching them. Let go and know that they are in God's hands-which in my opinion are the best hands to be in ;())

I think we all (as mothers) have it in us to be like this.... some just have better coping mechanisms and have learned to let their children fly.

My children are very young so I feel SOOO anxious about a lot of things that they do and I recognize that this could be a problem in the future.. I also don't 'get it' as I'm the 'gypsy' of my family!!! My siblings have never been but 20 miles away from my parents and I've moved overseas in college, moved again upon graduation (different country), have lived all over the US (young and single for most of it) and now as a mother all I can think of is "HOW did my mother do it?!!" I have so much respect for her (always had it.. it's just more magnified now that I'm a mom).

She's in no way a brave adventurous person yet she had the selflessness to see my true self and let me become one! I'm so grateful for that and I pray that I can gain that same strength and selflessness.

As one poster mentioned, your children are getting older and one is getting married.... there is NO doubt about it, you will drive a wedge into your child's marriage if you continue this behavior. You sound like a kind and loving mother - if you can't get your anxiety under control for yourself you need to do it for your children. I know that you're thinking "my kids will never react that way to me" but we're not talking about your children, we're talking about their spouses... and I don't know a woman out there who wouldn't get fed up with their MIL and start harping on their husband about it.

Go back to a therapist, really give it a shot re: trying to make the changes they are asking you to make. It often takes talking to several different therapists to find the one that works for you. My sister is on anxiety meds ... from how you describe your situation it sounds as thought something like that may really help take the 'edge' off your unreasonable fears. Best of luck to you and please post in the future to let us know how things are going.

I think worrying about our kids is a natural thing and it last their whole life. But you've taken it to the extreme and are trying to control their lives too much. A 30 year old MAN doesn't need his mommy texting him till 2 am when he is on vacation in Vegas! I'm sure he had better things to do and you could be making him look immature and foolish in front of any friends he was with. Your daughter is getting married and she and her husband need to start their own family unit and will take care of themselves. If you try to get in the middle of their business you'll find him leaving her, or she will dump you.You'll drive them away with your nagging and fussing over them like toddlers. Let them grown up. Now, you say you tried therapy but it didn't work. Was that because they asked you to back off and try to do something else and you didn't like their answer? You need to find another therapist and start over and stick with it. A trained licensed therapist can be great help. Certainly a lot more than any of us. But you have to do what they say to get past the tough parts. If one of us on Mamapedia gave you the same advice a therapist gave, would you do it? You really need to let the kids grow up and get busy keeping your mind busy and don't let the worry eat you up. It doesn't make your kids want to be with you..it actually drives them away. Then how much would you worry? When your kids go off to do something, why not try thinking of all the great fun they might be having instead of the doom and gloom senerio you seem to play in your mind? Think of your son watching a great show in Vegas and how much he is loving the music, the bright lights of the casinos and maybe he is playing cards and winning a bunch of money! And when your daughter goes off with her new husband, think of all the fun they will have, and we won't go into detail over what they will do. Just think of the good. I'm sure you can think of something fun they are doing. You just have to keep thinking positive thoughts, and trust they are fine. They will be much happier if they don't have to worry about you worrying about them.

I haven't read the other answers but while I appreciate your worry (I have two little boys) I can't image this is healthy for your own well being. Have you considered a therapist? I wonder if this stress is taking a greater toll on your heart (I have a heart issue and work hard to reduce stress) which might end your life early! I'm sure your kids love you tremendously, and would frankly be horrified if your worry over them brought about a premature heart attack or stroke. Consider your own health in this and I strongly urge you to talk to your doctor about this. They only have one mother and they want you to be around for the grandchildren!

Seriously, I go to Mayo for my heart so I'm very aware of how fragile life is. I'm doing everything I can so I don't die early. As you said, it's really not your kids that are the problem, but you and your ability to maintain a reasonable amount of stress. Don't create problems where they don't exist. And don't worry about stuff that's not a problem yet (someone told me that b/c I was stressing about hypothetical problems and it was killing me). Stay healthy!!! Good luck!!!!!