Being a Stepmom - Venus,TX

Updated on September 07, 2011
K.D. asks from Venus, TX
5 answers

I have been a stepmom now to my stepdaughter since she was 6. My MIL has said so many bad things about my son and I that it's horrible enough that we don't speak to her or others of her family. Now, my stepmother in law is awesome. She's even said she's had problems with my MIL when my husband was younger. I want my stepdaughter to know that we want her here and that it's hard on all of us to get comfortable with each other if we cannot get her due to my husband's schedule. I've offered to pick her up and her mother has said no and so has she. I've found out her favorite colors, favorite animals and what she likes to read. That still doesn't seem to matter. Her mom just ignores when I try to understand things with how things are at her mom and stepdad's house and when she gets here with our family. My MIL has said things to my stepdaughters mother who believes what she hears from my MIL because she gets money from my MIL, she has gotten a car and my MIL will get her and her husbands kids, but not her own grandchildren or stepgrandchild. Then my stepdaughters mother wants us to get everything for my stepdaughter and my husband and I have 3 kids full time and when we have my stepdaughter it's 4 kids. I'm a SAHM because we have no family in the area, we have no friends (my husband and I) that are in the area, the family that we do have is 2 hours away and they can't help because my SIL always needs them and my family and close friends are all military or military spouses and live in VA or a different state. I try so hard to talk to my stepdaughter, but we've caught her in lies now too. For instance she made my 9 yr old son cry by saying that he's mean and that I'm mean. I'm mean because I tell her she has rules to follow when she is in our house just like our oldest son does and that she needs to respect our rules. Also, I buy clothes for her she takes them home and then we have nothing for her here and we've asked her to leave them. Then I'm not sure if she or her mom do this on purpose, but she'll wear the clothes that are too small or the shoes that are too small even though I know we've purchase new clothes for her and that my FIL and SMIL have done the same thing recently for school. My family is my husband our sons and our daughters, even though we're a mixed family. Maybe it's that I was married before and had my son with my ex and that my husband and my stepdaughter's mother were never married. She said to my son at one point that I was the reason that her mom and dad weren't together. So, I don't know who told her that, but when I met my husband, her mom and my husband were never together and her mom was already married and had a baby. We have three of our kids 9, 4 and 2 with us at all times. I am starting to wonder if she would like to be here more or thinks that we have or do more for our three that are with us all the time. We go maybe to eat for them to play once a week to get me and the kids out of the house and that's really all we can afford right now. My stepdaughter's mother, I think tells my stepdaughter that we don't want her or like her and so every time we are to get her, her mom says that I am mean, or that my stepdaughter doesn't like me or we don't get her anything. I've been looking at getting a job, but with a job we'd only bring in about an extra 150 a month and if my kids get sick that'll go to the doctors, gas, food,and the other bills. I'm am starting my own business with a wellness company that I really hope I get going so that I can stay home with the kids. And my MIL and her mother are making things more difficult. What do we do? I know mixing family can be confusing and hard, but I'd really like to have all 4 kids together and really let them know that we are all a family no matter what when they are or are not here with us. I have tried talking to her mom and she just acts like I'm not important. My stepdaughter is 10 yrs old. If she sees her mother disrespect me she's going to keep doing it too. She has a great time when we get her, but causes a lot of drama when we say we're coming. Her mother will not even acknowledge me when our family comes to get our stepdaughter. Any suggestions? Guidance?

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Wow. You have a lot going on--like dominos.
I'm not sure I even understand all of your post.
How old is this stepdaughter?

I just wanted to offer this idea: Treat your step daughter and her mom the way you would like your son's stepmother to treat him and you!

If you can make your peace with your husband's ex in some way, to some degree it might go a long way to more harmony in the house.

(and change your name to 2boysand2girls!)

Have you ever tried family counseling?

5 moms found this helpful
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K.F.

answers from New York on

I took my time to read your post at least twice before making my comments.

You have to change the way you think about family. In your way of explaining your family set up you have separation. When you make statements like, "My family is my husband, my son, then we have our son and our daughter with us at all times."

Life is tough and you must play the hand you are dealt. You are this child's step mother, not her mother but her step mother. What is her father's reaction to her behavior? You didn't indicate just how old your step-daughter is.

While you may have made sacrifices we all do when it comes to our kids. Help your kids make friends by setting the example and making friends for yourself too. It isn't easy but it is very necessary. We girls need our girlfriends and we mom's need our village to help raise our children. Libraries and groups like the boys and girls clubs have some programs that are either free or low costs. Also check out some of the local churches they will also have activiites for your young people to participate in and maybe even something for yourself too.

As for MIL and mother being negative or speaking negatively about you, you can't trouble yourself over that either. Most children won't like the parent that says no or puts restrictions on them but you are trying to help even your stepdaughter become a decent and productive human being. This isn't a job for the weak but for the strong. So hang in there and do the best you can. Some day when she is grown she may come to appreaciate your honesty, love and devotion to her or not but at least you will know you did your best inspite of the odds against you.

Teach her about character through setting a wonderful example of wisdom, dignity and grace.

4 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I have been stewing on Denise's point, before she made it mind you. Why is your user name 2 boys and 1 girl? You know how protective you are of your bio children how would you react to your daughter feeling like her dad's new wife doesn't want her around.

Not saying you are doing this on purpose but you are putting your son before your husband's daughter. Of course mom and mother in law are going to defend their blood and point out that your son who is not blood to them is no better.

You guys seriously need counseling! You need someone not vested in any one person to peal off these layers and help you guys heal. As I see it there isn't a bad apple in the bunch you are all being very mom like! All of you! You need to respect that your step daughter's mom and grandma are protecting her, not attacking you. It all may be misplaced but it is reasonable.

3 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

I agree that some family counseling (or even private counseling for you) could go a LONG way here to sort through all these issues. This sounds like a big knot of problems where you need to start unraveling one string at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and get some support around you, even if it's professional.

Good luck, and hang in there. It's very tough to be a step-parent; I'm not sure I could ever do it.

2 moms found this helpful

A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

For one and like other have said below, why is your name 2boysand1girl? If you do not include her in your name, then as a child of divorce and step parents she can sense that you don't feel the same about her as you do the other kids. Just like I can read between the lines so can she, she can see the unspoken words as well.

She's 10 and you are saying she doesn't care? You say that you pay a lot of money because he has a good job. I can tell you money is not the issue, it should be none of her business about the money. However, it does seem that everyone (including you, mom, grandma, possbily dad) make it about the money. She has no idea what it means to "give up" family, church, friends, as she shouldn't have to know at 10.

Jo W. is right you ALL need counseling. Whether or not any adult in the situation likes it you are apart of her life, and if you are not including this child in everything then she's not going to want to come around.

I wacthed my mom as a stepmom, she was HORRIBLE, but sure as if my step mom was to act that way towards me she would have been all bent out of shape. Luckily my step mom was a much better one than my mom. But my step brother hardly ever came around because of the way my mom and his mom acted! Get the mom to talk to you...don't make it about you and her make it about your DAUGHTER!

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