Being a Step Mom, Need Advice

I believe it is very difficult to be a Step Parent. Have you been able to sit down and talk to her about how you want to be a part of her life, too? Ask her opinions on how she thinks and feels about the situation. I experienced the same thing with my own daughter who is now 21. She does what she wants when she wants with whomever she wants and I get what time is left over, maybe. When I sat her down and asked her about life what she thinks what is her vision how she views things. Trying to do it in such a way that she doesn't feel as if she is being told she is doing something wrong or that she is doing things that hurt my feelings. I gave her the space to speak freely and I tried to not allow it to hurt my feelings. I found out that she is just a free spirit who wants to do her own thing and it doesn't matter about anyone else right now. She is now 21 and still does her own thing. When she comes to visit she sees all her friends and I still get the leftover time. I just value the time I do get with her. I would love to be in her life more, have her call more, but her point of view was that she wanted to do her own thing since she was told what to do for so long. When I asked my Mom her opinion on it, I found out that I was the same way when I was younger. It wasn't till I hit my 30's that I started hanging with my Mom again. Maybe find something that the two of you have in common and start there and maybe she will keep the plans if you are doing something together that she enjoys. Of course, there is always the chance that someone has something better to do. Just don't take it personally, it really may not be an attack on you, it's just she expects different things from your relationship than you do. Be open to what she wants and let her know what you would like but respect her decisions. You don't want to close the gap for future relationship togetherness with her. Good luck.

L.,
Talk to your step daughter gently and tell her how you feel sweety.I am sure she doesn't realize she is hurting your feelings.She is only 22 and although she is an adult she still has a lot of growing up to do. Explain to her that her Dad and you wanted to make things easier for her because you both Love her so much.But you would like to spend quality time with both her and the baby. She is very fortunate to have such a loving step Mother.Wish I did back when I was 22 and still learning.

I'm betting that it's not intentional. She's probably thinking that since she lives with you, you see her and the baby all the time. It's probably not the one-on-one quality time you're looking for though. I would just tell her that you're planning an outing for the three of you. Or just say "Things have been really crazy. Can you, me and the baby have some quality time on Saturday?" Plus, being "stuck" at home with a new baby can be very claustrophobic. The way it sounds, she is raising the baby alone (with your help of course) and I'm betting her life is going through some drastic changes. She's probably more than a little worried that her life has changed so dramatically. She's probably going going going so that she doesn't lose touch with her "old" self. A honest heart-to-heart may be just what she needs right now.

It sounds like this girl is taking advantage of you. I have a step-mom myself, but we are not close. I don't know if her mother is in her life, but I don't think this girl views you as her "mother". Just sit her down and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Keep in mind that she is probibly a little stressed with a new baby. But you were kind enough to take her in and help raise her child. Just tell her what she does that hurts you and stand up for yourself. Don't be anyones doormat. Maybe you won't have time for her next time she needs you to watch the baby??

She may not realize that she is hurting you. She won't know unless you tell her. If you tell her this and she continues to act the same way then you know she doesn't care about your feelings and maybe you should stop bending over backwards for her. Good luck to you!

I don't have any solid advice to offer here, but only an opinion as someone who was once a very young mother. It almost sounds like she is just too wrapped up in her own life to be concerned with anyone else. Not that she is being "selfish" on purpose, but perhaps natually? 22 years old is still very young, and despite the fact that she has a baby, she may not realize how her actions effect the feelins of others. I was 20 years old when I had my first child, and I now realize just how selfish some of my actions were. Maybe the best thing you could do is to sit her down privately and tell her how you feel. If you raised her in your home, I'm assuming you have a decent mother-daughter type relationship with her.

Set specified day(s) and times for the three of you (or four if grandpa is included). If something else gets planned that interferes with that time, make an alternate date. If you're providing a shelter (and probably food, etc.) then that's the LEAST she can do. She needs to realize that you AREN'T a doormat and may need to be reminded of that. You didn't have to invite her into your home. SET BOUNDARIES AND TALK ABOUT EXPECTATIONS. 22 year olds can be as spoiled as a 5 year old, but it doesn't have to be that way. HOPEFULLY, you have certain requirements of her..helping with cleaning, laundry, etc. If not, you should.

I don't think it has anything to do with you being a step mother. It has to do with you being the mother. I remember my mother telling me she felt the same way. It shocked me because I was extrememly close to my mother and we had a great relationship. But she was right. I took her for granted because I knew she would understand. It is often those we love the most that we hurt the most.
Try not to sound like you are whinnng but be up front and honest with her don't let it put a wedge in your relationship. My guess is that she does not realize she is taking you for granted and making you feel left out. She just assumes you know how special you are.

Since you have been a step-mom to her for over 15 years, I would suggest you share your feelings with her. She is only 22, which nowadays is very young. And having a baby has probably messed her up hormonally, emotionally, etc. And I just say that b/c it happens to most women after being pregnant and childbirth. Anyway, sit down with her and just let her know what you have observed. At this stage, you will probably have to continue to woo her into a closer relationship with you. I grew up in Europe and young people have lots of relationships with people their own age and people much older than they are. It's just normal to me. But I have observed that there is much more of a generations gap here in the states and young people are not encouraged to have relationships with people that are older than they are. So, it may just be that she doesn't know how to act or she is oblivious to your attempts of forming a friendship.

Hi :)
I also had a baby on my own when I was 22, and I moved back in with my parents. I'm sure my mom felt a lot like you do at times. I don't have much to offer in terms of helpful advice. I would only suggest that you try to be as grateful as possible for the role you get to play in your grandbaby's life, and for the fact that your stepdaughter enjoys spending time with you, even if it is on her own terms. Feelings of gratitude can go a long way toward overcoming feelings of being a "doormat". And gratitude feels good and makes you a better person. :)