I will try to make this as short as possible.
I'm a teacher, and a couple of years ago I started working with a man and we quickly became friends. His first year on the job (but not his first year teaching) his wife had a baby boy, their first. About 6 months after that, his father was diagnosed with a re-occurance of cancer. Then his wife started having major back problems that prevented her from taking care of the baby (she couldn't pick him up) and ultimately required major hip surgery that prolonged her inability to care for their son on her own (she stays home). So now it's been about a year of him trying to be the sole provider while also really trying to manage everything at home. They found out last week that her condition is such that she will likely require a hysterectomy (at 30) to end the chronic pain. So that's piled on top of everything (and they had definately wanted more kids). I am of course trying to be a good friend about all of this terrible stuff.
At the same time, he is having a very hard time balancing everything at home and still doing a very good job at work. Due to budget cuts we thought we were going to have to let someone go last year, and he was told that it would be him. We ended up having people voluntarily leave, so he still had a job. But this is his tenure year and one administrator is particularly gunning for him and he knows it. Still, he cuts out of work early by a few minutes every day, he doesn't advise a club or coach a sport (which shouldn't matter, but it does). He's a good employee, but not great, and people notice it.
So here's my question, do I point out to him that I know he's spread super thin, but suggest that he kick it up a notch at work? After all, as crappy as things are right now they would be way worse if he was out of a job. Or do I assume he's doing the very best he can do given everything on his plate, and assume he's aware of the consequences of his actions? I just don't know if he really knows how much people are aware he's "trimming corners" at work. Again, he's a good teacher, but we work in a pretty intense school, and that's not always enough to guarantee a job. I'm just really torn over what's the best way to be a good friend in this situation.
Thanks for your advice!
Being a true friend means telling the truth even if your friend doesn't want to hear the truth. He may get offended at the moment you tell him, but it will make him think, and eventually he will thank you for your honesty.
You might want to say something along the lines of, "The powers that be have noticed you're leaving early. Just thought you'd like to know." and leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure he knows the precarious position he is in. It sounds like he has chosen his family over work. I know it's hard to watch someone shoot themselves in the foot at work, but unless you're in a position to really help him out, then there is nothing you can do except be there for him when he needs to talk.
If he didn't kick it up a notch after being told last year that he was getting laid off, then he is either doing the best he can or just doesn't care that much about the job. He has to know his job is not guaranteed at this point. I wouldn't say anything about his job performance because he might get offended, just be there for him any way you can. You never know, he may welcome being laid off so he can collect unemployment and spend more time with his family who obviously really need him.
I would give him advice, he doesn't have to take it but at least you did your part in trying to help him. It could go either way but at least you did warn him. This may be a situation out of your control and his, but I would think that warning him would make you feel better. You are a good friend, they are far and few between. Good luck!!
If you are friends with him, I think you should clue him in. Yes, he probably knows, but it's not a terrible idea to talk with him about it. At the very least, maybe he needs to talk about or find out how bad it really is. I would bring it up to him and go by his cues. If he wants you to tell him more, do. If you feel like he's shutting you out and doesn't want to talk about it, leave it be.
You need to tell him. If it were you, you would want to know. I would ask him if you can talk to him about things that you've heard and are concerned about. It may not be a shock, and he will appreciate that you are trying to help. He does not need to be out of work in this economy with all that is going on in his life. he needs an honest sounding board as I am sure he can't discuss this stress openly and honestly with his wife who is also going through a lot of horrible stuff herself. Good luck, Speak from the heart.
I think you have to tell him what you are becoming aware of and that it doesn't need to be a big deal or heavy conversation. Simply "Joe, *I* know you have a ton going on and I think you are balancing it all and still doing a great job, but people are talking and this is your tenure year." Chalk it up to the pettiness of others, but you thought he should know, b/c it seems like there could be a lot on the line. If he wants more specific details (gossip) - you just say - I can't go there - I am just catching on to this group vibe - and wanted to tell you right away, b/c YOU are my friend.
Hopefully, it will lead to conversation where you can suggest ways/solutions for him to come across better.
Good luck :)
it will be okay. just "keep it real".
