I am not sure how to approach a behavior issue I feel is starting to become a real issue. My son is an only child. I was an only child. I was not raised with my father however my son and I are very lucky that he has a wonderful hands on father. I am a stay at home mother and happy to be so. My husband of 13+ yrs and I are close and we are close with our son. The issue is I think our son is having trouble making and keeping friends. Being an only child, it is hard to understand why you are not #1 when you start school! Sharing, waiting to talk, use a toy etc it is a learning thing when you are an only child. That I get, being I am an only child. However, no matter the talks and explaining I do with him he still thinks it is ok to talk when other are talking (huge issue at home and at school) he also gets facts or things wrong and then will argue till the sky is red that he is right. This makes me angry, my husband angry and frankly the bossy and "I know it all" attitude he has some how developed it making it hard to have friends, of course as you can imagine it would be. He is also clingy once he has a friend and very territorial with that friend, this also is annoying when it comes to boys more so and he then no longer has the friend. There is always DRAMA.
Having said that some improvements have been made along the way. I do remind him daily to every other day to treat others they way we want them to treat us. We have stores we read frequently on being polite, allowing others to talk, have a turn, sharing, the GOLDEN RULE of being good to others etc...he repeats it back to me in conversations and he does show me signs of doing it but only with certain children not all. If the other child has a strong personality, then they are fighting. He is also emotional, easy to get his own feelings hurt but I feel he is not aware when he is the one doing the hurt feelings to someone else. How can I teach him empathy for others? I am worried...he seems to be very selfish, only caring for his own needs and wants and that is the not the child I want to raise. I started out feeling this way and thought I had taken great steps in making sure this did not happen so to have it be reality is heartbreaking. There are two sides to him...one is so sweet, he is willing to share with us and say "great job" when we win a game while playing with him instead of getting mad he didn't win...however evil twin two comes out more often that does all the opposite things...what am I doing wrong ladies?
Thanks so much for your time, effort and much needed advise!
A. B.
Thank you ladies for responding. To answer a few questions I do use the real life situations that he has faced or been in to explain/talk about almost 80% of the time, not just using book situations. He is able to carry on a total conversation about it so I know he understands it. He doesn't have ASD or ADD or ADHD. I have a good friend who has a daugther with that two of those together (poor girl) and my son shows no signs of any. He does not have a blurt out issue he just interupts conversations and is implusive. He does see his doc quiet often and we have friends that are pediactric doctors that he spends time with also who tell me he is fine, does not have issuses consistant with all the initals above and that most children will show one or two signs of these behaviors. Like implusiveness etc. Being a first time mom I have made plenty of inquiries about everything from runny noses to more serious issues(afraid to miss something big I guess). His issue is for sure self control and being an only child it is hard for him to get he is not the center of the world all the time like he is at home. I have researched the "only child sydrome" and his actions follow suit with that a lot. I have another friend that has a boy only child married so it is just the three of them and she is having similar issues. So I guess it is just growing pains and I need to work with him on his social skills more. I felt we had but I guess he needs more attention there than anywhere else. I am lucky the rest is all fine.
Hello Moms just another update:
I will look into the websites listed, the books that were listed also. I am sure the information I find will be helpful and I will use it. I have heard of Love and Logic, I have used 123 magic (DVD and BOOKS) they are great and he is behaved so we have found our schedule with that part. I had forgotten about Love and Logic actually though but now since it has been mentioned will look into it more. I do feel we are helicopters Lisa! LOL! I liked your advise very much. You are right I think he is feeding off me and my husband too much and we are being too "into it" he needs to figure it out for himself and that was very helpful advise. My husband just yesterday said very similar things...thank you.
Thank you Karen, Mary and Nicole! You are all kind to say such nice things to help keep me motivated. I have not talked to the school aide but I will. She is a great woman actually very kind and loves my son. She knows him well she walks with the kids to the school gate at the back of community so she sees him daily and always talks to him. I will contact her and your right Nicole she is a great resource. The kids in your school are also lucky to have you!
I also agree a team sport is a great idea. Time is the issue there but we will have to work it out. My son is so into his karate (we put him in it for the focus and self control reasons when he was 4 1/2). He goes 2-3 weekly, with homework etc it is a lot, but he is a brown belt already. So much info he has to retain! I'm not sure I could do it myself and when testing he is so confident and does so well. He is always noticed by other parents in a positive way which makes us so proud. It also makes me feel he will be a good test taker as school gets harder...I am hopeful I was terrible at that.
Thank you all again. I do appreciate your time, effort and much needed support. Women need other women and it is wonderful to find a site where people are so willing to give to each other in a positive manner.
My best to you all,
A. B
direct him in a shor statement.Long speeches are not lidsten to, If he throws a tempertum walk waal away. Fighting over s toy tske it away, acting out in public take him home, I am a bit of a clown, so 'd join in with him on a tantrum. So him how silly it looks
Hi A. - I was an only child also, and I remember feeling like "I don't have any friends".
Now I have 3 children, they fuss and fight between themselves, 2 girls and 1 boy. Boys are just completely different from girls. Firstly they mature much more slowly than girls and secondly I think they learn differently too.
My oldest daughter, 11, complains ALL THE TIME about not having ANY friends! Talk about drama queen honey - she has the Oscars all sewn up.
At first I was patient, I listened, I hugged, I sympathized, I offered advice........ now I am to the point that I have said it all over and over and over.
She has a problem with being bossy and wants to be in control of every game. I have told her to chill and try to let the others express their ideas, they might be fantastic at something and teach her a thing or two.
With the interupting thing - OMG been there. If I am having a conversation (or on the phone) and they start calling me from another room as they are walking towards me - I turn my back to them first, continue my chat, the next time they butt in - I show them the shush finger on the mouth, continue chatting - the next time I put my hand over their mouth and give them the "mommy look" of go away before I melt you in the microwave or some other obscure thought.
What ever you do- "DO NOT SPEAK to them" and do not get visably angry. Be in control - do not let them work you.
Now, when my kids do it the first time, all I do is raise my index finger and they immediately clasp their mouths and say sorry. They understand that I will answer them as soon as I am done talking to the other person. When done, I go and find them and ask them what they need then.
I hope it helps, just don't let him get away with it because you are not doing him any favors in the long run. As he grows into an adult do you want him to succeed and blossom and become a great, kind and respectful man? We as parents have to teach our children "Life Skills" or some one else will and it will not be good.
God Bless
M. F
I can relate, the "know it all" attitude, ugh. I live with it and believe its just how they are made up (in their genes) and thats hard to change. If he doesnt realize he is doing this, you must bring it to his attention and keep at it...reminding him (nicely) to let others speak, etc. Tell him to think before he speaks about the other persons feelings, sometimes with friends you have to agree to disagree and let things go. I commend you as you are well aware of this behavior and I think are already doing a good job as you have explained. I see alot of parents that are too busy in their own lives to see whats going on with there children and they end up growing up with no respect for others. Hopefully, as he matures he will grow up and be a compassionate human being to make you proud.
I agree with the first post that said boy scouts or some other team sport. These usually have a strong central leader, but it's also situations where each child learns from one another and contributes something.
Look into some kind of volunteering. He may be a bit young to totally get it, but there's got to be something he can do to see how much better it feels to give to others instead of being in the spotlight. Maybe visiting people in the nursing homes or gathering pet foods and supplies to donate to the local shelter.
Maybe even getting a pet to help take care of would be a good choice.
To teach him empathy and consideration for others, you have to show those traits in yourself constantly. And your husband. You have to make an effort to do more things while he's watching that show that empathy for others. Maybe have your own friends around a little more so he sees how people interact.
He's still pretty young so he's got some growing room. Many people have a hard time learning those golden rules. Do your best and hopefully he'll come around. There aren't a large portion of people that stay friends with people they met in childhood. That's because they're kind of like our practice friends. We make our mistakes with them, sometimes we're able to move on, sometimes not.
We all want our children to be able to learn from our mistakes and mistakes of people around them so they don't have to make their own. But most of the time that doesn't work. We see the outcome before it happens, but we can't stop it. They have to experience it to grow from it.
try him something like boyscouts or team sports. u can talk all day about how he should behave but nothing will get thru to him like a real experience.
if he tlks while others talk completely ignore him.
He is young, and may outgrow some of this as he matures. Also, some of the things you mentioned....the impulsivity, interrupting, insisting that he is right, etc. could be signs that either he is gifted, or has ADD, or both. It really couldn't hurt to have a qualified child psychologist evaluate him. Dr. Laura Marullo in the Boca/Delray area is a friend of mine and she's very insightful and loves what she does.
You know, I really feel for you in this situation. I was also an only child with similar issues. As a girl, we can get away with some of the possessiveness and emotional issues....boys tend to be less emotional, and I know you are concerned the other boys will shun him for that. Boys socialize by sharing an interest...does he play baseball or soccer? That might help to get him more of a "team" mentality. Also, my own son is now 14....not an only child, but he is gifted and has ADD and I could really see some of what you are talking about. He still thinks he is the smartest child in the universe....in fact smarter than most adults, and discipline is a real problem now that my husband has passed away. The saving thing for my son is his 16 year old sister, who does not hesitate to put him in his place! The sibling rivalry has really helped him. I can only imagine if he were an only child, we would have the same issues. When he was little, he used to do similar things with games in fact he would even cheat so he could win! My husband really cracked down on him for stuff like that. Also with maturity, he did outgrow it although when we play, I make it a point to look him in the eye, shake his hand and say "good game", and even offer to play again to give him another chance. (I can tell he still hates losing! But he is now able to control his reaction)Also, we really noticed a difference in his behavior after he was put on medicine for ADD. Even HE notices the difference and doesn't like his own behavior when he doesn't take his pill. With him, we got to the point of treating the ADD when he was in third grade....the other kids were able to sit still and pay attention and he would be looking out the window or reading ahead in the book. yes, part of that was he was gifted and bored, and we also addressed that issue. But there are other aspects of the ADD that they test for and the impulsiveness is a big part of it.
Sorry to go on for so long....I wish you and your son the very best! Let me know if you have any other questions.
K. G.
You mentioned that you read stories covering these issues and that he can repeat it back to you, but do you ever discuss actual events that have happened? Like, "this morning when you ___, how do you think __ felt?" Talking in generalities is one thing, using actual experiences is a whole different thing. That is where it will make the impact to him. It is one thing to be "book" smart, another to be "people" smart. It's the same exact thing... he is book smart. Now he needs to learn how to USE that knowledge.
Just one other thought, and I speak with NO authority, so take it or leave it.... but, I have looked on some other chat boards (my son has attention issues and handwriting issues, so I have lurked on other boards to see how people have dealt with things), and some of the things you mention sound like they could be ASD related. (Autism spectrum disorders). Not severely mind you, but just something to maybe discuss with your pediatrician...? Social awareness issues seem to be a big part of ASD. Also, blurting out at inappropriate times. So, just to get it on the radar.. maybe do some independent reading and talk with your doc? (perhaps mild Asperger's?)
Hi A.. It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong at all. Actually, from what you are describing about your son, it doesn't sound like selfishness to me. I am actually a school counselor, although I work with the little guys. It sounds to me like he is a good boy with a somewhat stubborn personality and maybe could just use some help with social skills (in other words, more techniques of how to get along with others.) Have you spoken with his school counselor to see if there are skills she could work on with him? I also suggest to my parents sometimes to try enrolling the child in a team activity like soccer or something where they learn alot about teamwork and working with others. Don't get to discouraged. You sound like a good mom and a great family. I hope everything works out!
Internationally known psychologist, award winning author, columnist, radio and television personality, speaker, father of five, Dr. Kevin Leman is a most knowledgeable and entertaining on parenting & marriage. Some of his books include "Making Kids Mind Without Loosing Yours," "Sex Starts in the Kitchen," "Have a New Kid By Friday." He is GREAT!
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A. P
Well, for one thing you need to let him take care of his own problems most of the time. If you have told him once that his behavior will cost him friends then he is old enough to understand this. Kids are not gentle. They will let him know in no uncertain terms when he crosses the line. Your job is to stand back and let him make his mistakes and learn from them. It is great to be supportive. If you tell him what he is doing will cost him friends, and he tells you what he is doing is fine, then say "Let me know how that works for you." Later if he says "So and So doesn't want to be my friend anymore, you should be empathetic and ask "Why do you think that is?" and let him figure out what the problem is. If you tell him what he is doing will cost him friends, and he tells you what he is doing is fine, then say "Let me know how that works for you." and get back with him later so he can come to his own conclusions from his own experiences. There is a great book out ther call "Parenting with Love and Logic" that explains this better than I can. It is available at most libraries. The same author also has a CD available called "Helicopters, Drill Sargents and Consultants" that might help you to back up and let him find his own way with your guidance. I hope this makes sense and helps.
