Been with My Boyfriend for 3 Months and No Bonding with My Son

It’s obvious to me that he is using you. I doubt that you will have to fight too hard for custody, considering that he has 3 children. Are you prepared to fight him for child support? He won’t want to pay you. Instead, he will want you to work unpaid for him, which is what you are already doing.

Honestly, I would not give him another chance. I would leave now instead of staying with his children. He is not marriage material.

Does he know you are pregnant?
You don’t mention if you have told him.
What was his response?
I think his response will give you a better answer of what kind of relationship you will have with him then a bunch of strangers on a website.

Lots going on here.

First, he barely knows your son. For you now to insist that he treat him "like his own" is crazy. You have been dating 3 months not 3 years. He can't treat him like his own because he doesn't know your son. Honestly, he doesn't know you either. Having sex and knowing someone are two different things.

A lot has happened in this relationship in three months, introducing kids, pregnant, living together. If you have to put pressure on him already can you imagine what it will be like in one year? This should be the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. To be perfectly candid with you, he doesn't seem that interested in playing happy home with you and the kids.

Sweetie ya'll moved way too fast. Its just that simple. Stop. Put the brakes on. You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. You both need to sit down and be very realistic with each other. I don't think he can give you what you are so desperately looking for.

Okay...I'm going to put the pregnancy on hold for a moment...let's stick a pin in that and just talk about boyfriend and your son.

No, let's just talk about boyfriend. At 3 months into a relationship (any that I ever had) we literally wanted to spend every single moment together. It didn't matter if we were watching tv, doing laundry, playing video games together, eating, running errands, cooking, you name it we were doing it together, because at 3 months the newness should not have already worn off, yet. From the time we were either not at work or in class (college) we would be together...this was every major relationship I had from my first until my husband. You can't get enough of the other person. (Not just sex, but every single life happening that is going on...even the mundane boring ones.)

So 3 months in and he wants to be in another room (I'm assuming you guys are living together) on an electronic devise and not spending that time with you, on a regular basis not just an occasional time alone...red flag!! Huge one!!

Now, you have a son, one with special needs...then the three of you should be together as much as possible...once you have vetted this man to be one worthy of your son spending the time to possibly (with him being autistic) bond with. Red flag again, not spending time getting to know your son. And they live under the same roof??

Boyfriend already has 3 kids...sigh...I'm not sure where to go from here...I know a man that has 2 kids with different women and he works his rear off to support both kids and help out their moms. He has also sworn off dating and has decided that he doesn't want any more children. He takes all his visitation and is manning up to his responsibilities as a father.
Is your boyfriend doing this with his other kids? Does he pay child support? Take every visitation he is able? (Without help from you.) Is he a good co-parent to his other kids?

I think you know the answer to this question...you cannot change him. Whatever he is giving his other children your baby together will get what is left over and your son from another relationship might not get any at all, ever.

He isn't a home improvement project!! You can't fix him...he is what he is...take him for what he is...or move on...but don't drag it out!! I hate having to be this honest but I've watched friends try and fix men...it has never ended up well...and I am pretty old, I've seen a lot.

So, let's make a list of pros and cons.

Pros:
1) Your boyfriend rubs your belly.
2) Your boyfriend asks your son how his day was.
3) Your boyfriend likes you to lie down with him
4) Your boyfriend likes to watch movies.

Cons:
1) You say your boyfriend is selfish. You say this more than once.
2) Your boyfriend hurts your feelings.
3) Your son is on the spectrum and your boyfriend doesn't try to relate to him.
4) Your boyfriend, the father of 3, and soon the father of a 4th, likes gaming. He should have zero time for this.
5) Your boyfriend didn't take contraception seriously either. This isn't just on you. He didn't respect your body or your life or your lifestyle enough to contain himself and limit himself.
6) You've been together just a few months, and already you're dealing with your boyfriend's kids and expecting him to deal with your kid. You compare how you say good night to them - why are you even seeing them at night? Why is he hanging out with your child on a regular basis?
7) You think you will have to fight your boyfriend for custody of a new baby. WHAT???
8) You have to keep telling your boyfriend to be involved with your son. He's the father of 3, but he doesn't know what kids need?
9) You go to bed resentful and with your needs unmet.
10) You're barely pregnant, but you're already planning on having to do this alone.
11) You've dated for a few months but are already trying to build a big happy family with someone who is not an attentive father and whom you do not respect.
12) Your pregnancy losses have propelled you into establishing and continuing a pregnancy with someone you don't respect.
13) You and your son play Wii while your boyfriend is on an iPad in another room, and you aren't sure why there is a communication problem.
14) Your boyfriend has 3 children, and he immediately got in bed with a woman, refused to take pregnancy precautions (it's not just YOUR job, you know).
15) You want your boyfriend to treat your child as his own - after just a few months.
16) You think his children should be "yours" after 3 months.
17) You've already left once, in less than 3 months.

Not exactly a balanced list, is it?

I was in a relationship because I wanted one, and I thought I needed one. I thought it would make me happy if only he changed. I tried to make that man into something he was not. He was selfish and damaged, he was not loyal, he did not put my feelings at the top of his priority list. He was handsome and appealing on the surface, but not in those quiet moments at home. Thank God I broke up with him instead of trying to change him.

Please take care of yourself. You are the only one who will put your child first.

this isn't love. You're trying to force something that isn't there.

He SAYS he loves you, but his actions? They say he'd rather be doing something else.

I don't know why you are confused. I don't know why you choose to sleep with someone after knowing them for a few hours and not use protection. that is baffling to me. I get one night stands. But DAMN, I used protection!

Why are you even bothering? What is so special about this guy that you feel you need to go to bed hurt and resentful? WHY are you EVEN LIVING WITH HIM?!?!? Holy Moly!! Girl. Put the brakes on. If it's NOT your place? You and your son move out. And STAY OUT!!

You are nothing to this guy but an easy piece of a$$, maid, cook, babysitter and whopping girl all in one. You keep on making excuses for him and keep on giving him the sex he wants because he rubs your belly and says he loves you. STOP THE MADNESS!!

You want to do what's best? Best for WHOM?? YOU?? or your son?

What's best for you?? DUMP THIS DUDE.

What's best for your son? DUMP THIS DUDE and DO NOT introduce your son to anyone. You don't hop into the sack with a dude and say "it's love" and introduce your child to him. NO. You don't introduce your son to anyone you haven't known for at least a year.

My advice to you would be to dump the dude, get counseling, stop having sex with anyone and focus on your son and yourself. You need help. You need to figure out why you believe that having sex on the first date is love. It's not.

This dude isn't IN to you. He's into for sex and maid service. He won't bond with your son. I doubt he's even bonded with his other children. WAKE UP!!

Hello Andremommy,

Sorry, I'm not going to pull any punches here. I'm so not one for abortion. But I would abort this baby and move on. I would get counseling for myself and ensure that my son, who is on the spectrum, gets all the care and attention HE NEEDS to overcome obstacles in his life.

I would break up with this "boyfriend" and I would stop sleeping with anyone for about a year if not longer. I'd use this year to work on me. I'd figure out WHY I choose people in my life and rush to have sex and move in. This isn't LOVE. Sorry.

If you're happy with just you and your son? Show your son HE is the love of your life and HE is your priority by dumping this guy.

Please, please, please. Don't use sex to "show love". If you have sex? USE PROTECTION!!! Seriously, why do you want to be this guy's "baby mama #4"?? Where is YOUR self-worth? Do you NOT value yourself enough to get know someone before you rush into "love" and sex???

This guy isn't a MAN and he's NOT father material. He's telling you what you want to hear so he can get some pu$$y, a baby sitter, a chef and a maid. He's NOT in love with you. he's saying what you need to hear so you will keep putting out, cooking his meals, taking care of his kids and kissing his nasty a$$. Please. PLEASE. VALUE YOURSELF!!!

Please, consider that you may not be in the best position to parent another child right now. You make bad choice after bad choice and then justify your actions.

Move out, find a parent or parents who can give your unborn child the chance it deserves, and focus on yourself and the son you already have. He needs more than a part-time mother who is willing to sacrifice his needs for basically a one night stand where a baby was produced with a man who wants nothing to do with him.

Your child should always be your priority and obviously has not been since you’re faced with this situation.

I feel bad for your child because he didn’t ask for this and shouldn’t be introduced to new bf’s so soon.

What a shame for your children. I hope you practice birth control before you bring another innocent child into this cluster..k

Get some counseling for you all.

I'm sorry to tell you but, he is just not that into you, and never was. When you discovered he was selfish and left, you should have kept walking on, rather than getting back together, getting pregnant and forcing him to accept your kid, which he obviously does not. You can cook for him, bend over backwards for him, etc., he is just not interested and will not change. He showed you who he was and you decided to continue the relationship and procreate. I feel really sorry for your son who is being forced to live with someone who does not love him or respect his mother. I wouldn't even introduce my kid to a man I was just dating for a month or two, and I certainly would not be looking to add more kids to my family at that point!

You should not have to ask someone who supposedly loves you and your kid to spend time with you, it should happen instantly because he wants to be with you both and feels love. He should want to be around you and get to know your kid better, getting involved as a family, but 3 months is also too soon to force him to be a father to your current kid, and now his new kid on the way, plus the 3 he already has and probably doesn't spend time with, as he is too busy trying to get in your good graces. The way to have done it would have been to give him a chance to change and see if he does BEFORE making that baby. I agree with MilitaryMom6, Savannah and Diane B's list of pros and cons was great. There aren't any real positives to this relationship here as per her list, and I would either give that child up for adoption or get an abortion, as hard as it may be.

Your son is the one who is going to suffer here, witnessing fights between you and this man because of his lack of interest, and having to share the attention and care he badly needs from his mother because of his disorder, with a newborn and all this instability. He's just going to end up shuffled to the back of the line while you try to mother the baby and fix things with this guy. I don't know what else to tell you, sorry. You should have thought of yourself and your son "as a package deal" as you say before making a baby with a selfish man. This is supposed to be the "honeymoon" period of a relationship...new love, excitement, trying to impress your partner, 3 months only...this is when people slowly start seeing faults, faults you saw long ago. It's NOT going to get any better from now on, it's just not. Having a new baby will break whatever shreds are still hanging of this relationship, because it's already frayed. As others have said, there simply cannot be a happy ending here, regardless of which path you choose to take. I'm sorry, you cannot force people to feel things they don't feel or make them do things they do not want to do.

Reread Diane B's pros-and-cons list, which is based on your own statements about the relationship. When the negatives outweigh the positives so much, your own mind and heart clearly are telling you what you should do. Consider the three months and the pregnancy as 'sunk costs' (look it up--money/time/energy already invested in a project and which can't be gotten back) and ask yourself whether you REALLY want to invest one minute more in a relationship which isn't making anyone happy. About the pregnancy, it's probably late to terminate and maybe you don't want to, however I think you need to think long and hard about raising a child who ties you to a man who doesn't care about you and will take precious time and energy away from your current child with his high needs. Adoption is an option, yes? Your first commitment is to the child in front of you.

sigh.

so you're willing to subject your already-here child and the one you're cooking to a selfish, careless man who impregnates women willy-nilly. you don't want to 'give up' but you're okay with letting this drip be the example of manhood your child will take away.

a belly rub makes up for the fact that he can't even be bothered to make your small child feel welcome and important.

the new baby was conceived carelessly. do you want it to be raised the same way?

sure. this will end well.

khairete
S.

Congratulations! It's so cool getting pregnant two weeks after meeting a guy. Really magical. And it's even more special that you have already introduced your boyfriend to your child. I know most people would say wait several months and to do that gradually but WHY? Because you care about and want to protect your kid and his feelings? LOL. And the fact that your boyfriend is clueless is awesome. It's really fun to be in a relationship with a man who is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings. Way to go girl!!!

Maybe this is why he has 3 kids but no wife?

Glad you are happy about the baby, but I don’t think this instant family is going to work out. You did things way too fast and way out of order. And not too sure that you picked the right guy.

Ya know - this is one of those posts that ignores the elephant in the room and is designed to get people to respond with 'what were you thinking?' so the poster can work up a good flounce off and it's just so Jerry Springer I have to completely doubt it's a real situation.

No doubt your life will be filled with unicorns, rainbows and glitter.
Good luck with that.

I delete hate mail so don't bother.

Original post:
Shawna H. now Andremommy Dillon, MT on October 15, 2019

"I have only been with this man for 3 months now and I'm almost 10 weeks pregnant. Yes i should of been safe when it came to sleeping with him but not so much the moral of this question, I'm happy to have a new baby, even if it means doing it on my own so please keep the comments to a minimum with the "birth control?" and "why would I let that happen?" We all make mistakes right? I dont see my new baby as a mistake because I have lost a couple already a few years ago and am thankful to even be able to have another child. Keeping the judgement as light as possible would help right now considering it's not the main topic and I'm very emotional at this time. My main concern and question is... He has 3 kids of his own and I have a 5 year old son. Who is on the spectrum (mild autism) I'm having a hard time because my boyfriend is a very selfish person and I have had to leave once already because of the lack of attention he gives to my son and the lack of respect he was giving me. He promised he would change and start treating my son as his own so I'm giving it another shot. He has made a couple changes and I don't want to feel as if it's just early in the relationship so I should give him time to love my son, because I have had a boyfriend before who took my son in right away. Never had to be asked to love him. This boyfriend spends alot of time on his iPad gaming and it's like the first thing he does when he gets home, he asks my son how his day was but that's pretty much as far as it goes. Yesterday for example me and my son were in the livingroom playing Wii and my boyfriend was in the bedroom on his iPad, he asked me to come lay down with him.. I said "why dont you come sit out here with us for a few?" He didn't, it's like he just has no desire to spend time with us as a family unless I pressure him to or beg him and even then it's hardly ever happening. Should I have to keep asking him to spend time with us? Or reminding him to say goodnight to my son for example, its something I do for his kids, I say goodnight to them, Cook for them, help them with their toys, anything they need because I WANT to be there for them. Its frustrating because he gives me lots of attention, rubs my belly, loves laying with me watching movies, tells me he loves me consistently. But me and my son are a package deal and I feel he will pacify me by "being there" for my son but i feel it will slowly just go back to the way it was. I'm happy to be with just me and my son and even this new baby on the way, but I dont want to give up. I'm trying to give him a chance but it's bothering me pretty bad. Hurts my feelings that he wont just do something as easy as sit with us while we play a game. Please give me advice, if anyone has been through this. If I should give it up for the love of my son because he means more to me than anything. I'm trying to build and blend a family but with a selfish person, its hard. I also dont want to fight for custody over the new child but will if I have to. I just want to do what's best but am confused on what that is right now. I have talked to him about it but lately I just get upset an go to bed resentful because I dont feel I should have to keep telling him to be more involved or telling him he's hurting my feelings. I treat his kids as I do my own son, why is it so hard for him? Answers? 🙏
".

The relationship is very new for everyone. Yes, there is a baby coming and that changes everything, but all of the normal parts of building a relationship aren't going to change their timeline just because a baby is on the way.

I would step back from the relationship - not necessarily end it right now (you'll be tied to this guy for years no matter what happens), but slow waaaaayyyy down. Your focus, as always, should remain on your son and on taking care of yourself so that you can take care of the baby you're growing. It's recommended that when a single parent starts dating, that the kids aren't introduced to the partner for many months, when you know the relationship has a chance of being solid. You don't want people coming in and out of your son's life.

Obviously you've introduced your son to this guy and his kids, but you can pause that. The relationship is so new that I'm assuming you were living with your son and supporting yourselves before this, so hopefully you still are doing that and haven't moved in with the guy. If you did move in together, stop that as soon as you can - have him move out, or you move back to your old place or whatever. Minimize the time you spend with your boyfriend - your time together should be adults-only, getting to know each other without the kids. Give yourself time to figure out what kind of person he really is and if he is the kind of partner you want around you and your precious son for years to come. I think in most relationship, true colors can take up to a year to show up - that said, it sounds like his true colors are showing already so I wouldn't invest a ton of time or effort in this if he is the jerk that you describe. If he doesn't measure up - is selfish, lazy, unkind, unstable, tons of baggage, etc. then it is what it is. Deal with him as a co-parent to the baby that's coming and that's it. Cut your losses and move on.

I've sort of been in your shoes. My oldest son was 5 when I got married to a guy who is now my ex-husband. We were friends for a year, dated for a year and engaged for a year so a lot of thought and care went into the decision. I did get pregnant a few months before our wedding so that was earlier than we had planned but not a disaster. He was sweet and fun with my son until we moved in together ahead of the wedding. Once we were all together full time, his behavior towards my son changed and over the years, grew more hostile and negative. He and my son never developed a close father-son relationship, and my son suffered because of that. Their poor relationship was a bone of contention throughout our marriage until we finally split up after 12 years.

From what you wrote about the relationship between your bf and son, things don't sound promising. I think you should prepare as best as you can to be a single parent to this baby as well. It's so new and you're hormonal and you're both going through a lot so it's hard to say "oh yeah, definitely do this" because maybe things would be better if you weren't in this situation, but step back. Give yourselves time and space to breathe, to care for your respective children, and for you to take care of yourself and your growing baby. Get to know each other better, co-parent your baby when it arrives, and give yourselves time to figure out next steps so that everyone is happy and healthy together or not.

Finally...remember that the kids come first. You have a high-needs child. When in doubt, focus on what's best for him. With that as your beacon, you'll stay on the right track.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This guy is just not that into you and certainly not into your son. After 12 weeks I would think he is still on his best behavior. Things will likely only get worse.

He is showing you who he is and he’s not a “family man”. Why don’t you believe him? Is this the kind of man you want as a role model for your son? Also, figure out why you would even consider continuing this dysfunctional relationship,

You wrote "if I should give it up for the love of my son", but you were talking about possibly giving up your relationship with this new man.

That's where your thinking went wrong.

What you SHOULD have given up for the love of your son was: dating, sleeping with men, moving in with a new boyfriend, introducing your son to new men, moving around, sleeping around, moving in with a new guy with three kids, etc etc etc.

You can still do that. You can move out. You can be a mother to your son, AND NOTHING ELSE. Yes, you have a new baby coming, but you're not prepared to share parenting with the lazy, uncaring, selfish man you describe. The son you already have, who has special needs, and who has been bounced around from house to house, needs stability, a mother whose number one priority is him, and security.

Fighting for custody will further distract you from parenting the child you have.

Now, stop dating, stop having sex, stop moving around, stop trying to "blend a family" and be the parent to the family you have right now (your son). Talk to your new boyfriend about placing this new baby in the arms of a loving adoptive family.

I'm with B on this one.

This doesn't make sense to me. You've been dating a man for 3 months and you write that this guy is not "treating my son as his own".

You're cooking for, and treating his own kids like your own ... after 3 months? Are you living together?

If this is genuine, then what are the pros of staying with this man?

Like Diane says, he rubs your belly ..... Yay.

* To answer your question "I treat his kids as I do my own son, why is it so hard for him?"

Have you asked him?

"Should I have to keep asking him to spend time with us? "

No.

If it's "bothering me pretty bad. Hurts my feelings" and "I just get upset an go to bed resentful" and you're 3 months in .. what is so special about this? So he lies down with you to watch movies .. so does a dog. You're looking after his kids from sounds of it. He's not doing a whole heck of a lot.

Your last guy took your child?

Sounds like you need to just take time away from men altogether and focus on taking care of yourself (not this guy and his kids) and your own child.

That would be my advice, if this is genuine, or if you were my friend.

JC - your advice "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. " is so bang on. And asking yourself WHY this would be enough for you, should be THE question here, not what should I do to make this work.

Great advice. He is on his best behavior at 3 months. It will just get worse.

I do wonder if these questions, so complicated, Jerry Springer like, involving children - are legit. You write like someone who is intelligent, yet your actions/questions - I don't follow.

You and your boyfriend are going to have a child together, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you are going to be together.

Don't stay with him just because you're pregnant. We often hear that children are better off if their parents are together, but that's only if their parents are together because they want to be together (child or no child). Don't stay with him because you think it might be hard to get custody. Don't stay with him because you like his kids. Don't stay with him because you think you might be able to change him.

Don't allow this baby to cause you to speed up the relationship. (That's never going to work.) You really do have to approach this relationship like you would if you weren't pregnant.

Slow down! If you weren't pregnant, would you be living together? If you weren't pregnant, would you even still be dating? If the answer to both of those questions isn't yes, it's time to let him go. If you wouldn't be with him, don't be with him.

You don't mention how he treats his own kids, just that you wish he would spend more quality time with your son. I mention that because if this is how he treats his own kids, then this is how he parents.. If he spends quality time with his own kids and doesn't really try to bond with your son, then he may not have the same respect for your son that you do for his kids.

Maybe you should talk this through with a counselor. A counselor might help you find ways to talk to your boyfriend about this and see if there is a possibility of working things out.

Do you really think you could magically change a selfish person into a loving, respectful, caring partner and step-parent? Despite what many women think, loving someone and sacrificing for them DOES NOT make them into loving, giving partners. That's a movie fantasy that needs to be smashed.

Even if your new boyfriend wasn't a selfish person, does it sound reasonable for anyone to be able to bond with a new child immediately? You say that you did so with his kids, but I would suggest to you that is more your desperation to make an instant blended family.
Nobody truly bonds that quickly, not in a meaningful, real sense, anyway.

Your boyfriend is selfish, immature, and does not want to make a family with you. He's made a baby with you, but he cares nothing about making a family. He has shown you that. Believe him.

Why not consider giving your unborn baby the best gift you could ever give him or her? A loving family with two parents who desperately WANT to love that child and be involved, dedicated parents.

Selfish people don't make good partners or parents. Your boyfriend is one of them.
That's all you really need to know to answer your questions.

Wishing you the best with this.

Wow.... and I say that to the responses, not your situation. This poor girl knows that she handled this whole thing wrong and she politely asked for all of you not to pass judgement. Shame on those of you that are crucifying her on here. 😡

As for you young lady: we all make mistakes and we don’t need anyone to point them out to us as there is no harder judge than our own selves.

Here is a thought though to maybe help you. Stop feeling like everyone will judge you on the road that you take with you, your son and unborn child. God blessed you with a child for a reason. Be the best you, move out, and move on with your life with the focus of just you and your kids. It is hard being in your shoes and you don’t need a bunch of women on here telling you how worthless they think you are because it is the furthest from the truth. It took courage to ask for help and guidance which means you are already learning the lessons that needed to take place here.

Your relationship with this young man could work - but some distance is probably what you both need. Odds are he is feeling trapped by the pregnancy just as you are. If you both like each other, step away and date like a new couple should do. Don’t force a relationship based on a child. If he is the one for you, it will come naturally - it shouldn’t have to be forced. And Lord knows you don’t want to be 5 years down the road and hear the words “I am only with her because she got knocked up” because those words would tear down your self confidence even further.

So find the strength that is in you, go find a place to live (or ask him to leave where you are at), focus on your son and having a healthy pregnancy. God will bring the right man in to your life when He feels you are ready, NOT when you think you are ready.

You need to take a step back. If you are living together already I would try to find a place for you and your son. Focus on your son, your self and this baby. I am not saying don't have a relationship with him but slow it down. I was a single mom when I met my husband. We where friends for several months before we started dating so my son already knew him and he was a toddler at the time. I joke with my husband that he fell in love with my son before he fell in love with me. I would not have ever continued a relationship with him if my son was not important to him. Our first date he arranged child care with his mother (whom I knew) before even asking me out. But if you are already living with him after 3 months he's not had time to gradually get to know him. With your son being on the spectrum your boyfriend could be nervous and not know how to interact with him. I would highly suggest couples counseling if you are wanting have a chance of this working out.

You say your son is on the spectrum. Maybe the boyfriend does not know how to deal with this. I know when I am introduced to a new student that has a diagnosis or is working towards one I am unsure of how to act. Until I get to know the child and what works and what sets them off I feel like I am on eggshells. It's completely possible that in the three short months that you have known this man he has been working on getting to know you and needs help to get comfortable with your child.

I am sorry that you are being scolded so much for your sexual practices when you said up front that you wanted help with other issues. I hope you can sort through the shaming to find the repeated valid advice—that you and especially your son are not this guy’s priority and that is unlikely to change, and what is likely is that the best thing is to get out of the relationship.

I guarantee that you won’t change him. He will only reveal more of how he really is as time goes on. He is self involved and not a family person. Focus on yourself and your children.

I agree with Retta. I've dated several men and the first 3 months were spent getting to know each other. We had fun. Our relationships always ended in 3-4 months. In my youth I always tried to revive the relationship. It never worked. I spent hours crying. I thought if I said the right thing did the right thing we could be together.

I started counseling to learn why I tried so hard. One thing I learned was that I failed to recognize we were a poor match.

I suggest that the only thing the two of you have in common is the baby. Would you be giving him more chances if you weren't pregnant? It's obvious to me that he isn't interested in your son. He's with you because you're pregnant. During those 3 months you learned who he is and if not pregnant would've more likely moved on.

You want a family and longterm relationship. He doesn't. Perhaps he's with you because he feels guilty. Perhaps he does want your support in taking care of the house and kids. However, he isn't supporting you in the ways you need. You cannot change him into the man you want/need. You can learn how to attract a man who will love you and your son.

You didn't say but I am guessing he's not all that involved with his children. If he's not close with them, he won't be close with your son and the baby.

I suggest that instead of trying to get him involved with your son,you ask him why he's not involved. Listen without trying to get him to change. Ask him if he wants to be involved and how you could help if he wants to be involved. Together, if you can, plan for a life you can share. You will likely learn he expects things differently than you.

A counselor can help you both with that conversation.

As to bonding. I adopted my daughter. Took me months to feel bonded. I did spend time with her. I suggest your relationship with your boyfriend is complicated. Why would he spend time with your son? Three months is not long enough to know if this will last. I suggest your boyfriend is doing the right thing by not getting to know him. If your relationship does not last it's best your son not get attached.

Do you know what characteristics you want/ need in a boyfriend or husband? Can you recognize those characteristics in people? Counseling will help you sort it out.

You don’t have a lot of great things to say about this guy, but I’m going to assume he has some redeeming qualities because it sounds like you have moved in together at a very early time in your relationship. Your concerns are serious enough that I would have to suggest you separate your living arrangements, and try again to take things slowly. When you asked him to make changes and he said he would, you should have waited to actually see the changes before moving in together. You can’t undo the past, and I’m glad you are happy about the baby, but you can undo your current living situation. Be clear with him about what you and your son deserve, and let him know you cannot be together if you don’t see those things over a significant period of time so that you know he is not just putting on a show. If he truly loves you as he says he does, he should want this too. Ideally, you and he should seek family counseling with someone who specializes in blended families.

Oh man, why oh why were you not using birth control? I have a feeling you are going to get a lot of flack from the moms on this site for that. Most likely your boyfriend will not change with time, but it could happen. You could insist he do family therapy with you...find a therapist who specializes in blended families. Give it a time limit like a year and if he can make some major changes then you will stay with him. He is not truly understanding how upsetting it is to you that he hangs out in another room, but perhaps he is an introvert? I have a story for you...when I was young (age 7 and 8) my mom dated a guy who was really into her but not so into us kids so after a couple years she broke up with him. BUT he was kind to us. He took us sailing. He had a great job. He was loving to my mom. As a little kid I liked him. So next she next got a boyfriend who was a bully...he was abusive....he was really into making us kids to things for him and getting angry at us for not doing things right. He hit us. He mooched off my mom. We were all afraid all the time. He lived with us 8 years and against my mom's will for the last few years. I would have taken the first boyfriend who was not so into kids over that second guy who made me want to hide in my room all the time any day. Good luck.

Have you even considered that this guy might be afraid that the baby you are carrying might also have autism? Your son is constant reminder.

If your idea of “family time” is playing video games and that he won’t sit with you guys to watch a screen versus the screen on his iPad, then that’s a problem right there.

Getting pregnant doesn’t automatically equal creating yet another blend dysfunctional family.

If he's selfish he will not bond with your son because he is only concerned with himself. He will probably never bond with your son so you need to think of what is best for your son, the new baby and you. A selfish man can not give you and your family everything you need. Good luck.

Ok first thought 3 months is not that long and you are expecting him to jump right in and be dad. Give it time. Is sons dad in the picture? Have you told him how you feel or are you expecting him to know this?