Balancing Two Children

My boys are 2 & almost 9. I understand what you mean! There's a few things I find that work for both. Fresh air is always good-they both love taking walks to the park & keep themselves happy there.
Another thing is making crafts together. They love craft time & can tolerate each other for a bit while getting to spend time w/me. Until the little one touches the big one's project of course;) Play doh is always a big hit:) Good luck-it's definitely hard keeping 2 happy! I'm looking forward to hearing what other moms suggest:)

I agree with Megan. You have to do things separate from time to time. Put the 3 year old to bed and make cookies, or crafts with your daughter once a week. I have 6 children and I have no problem telling the little ones who want to help that they can watch, but this is for older kids. When they're 8(or whatever)they can do it too. There isnt much to do with the both of them at this point, other then family dinner time and basic everyday things. Special things can be and should be special with this kind of an age difference. Good luck...

It sounds to me like you're doing a great job trying to balance...kids have to learn to share and be patient. 12 year olds are getting to the age where they aren't as happy as little kids any more and they can and usually will always find something to complain about...it's just in how you respond to them...I say she is lucky you are taking them bowling at all! Especially in this economy, some moms can't even afford to do stuff like that (or take the interest for that matter)...and maybe instead of needing 'competition,' she should take an active part in helping her brother learn new skills, or challenge herself to beat her old score...? You can always let her bring a friend and they can get their own lane and you and your son can get some hot dogs and sit at the tables and watch them....she is getting to the age where a little independence goes a long way. My son is 12 now and he has started having more sleepovers and friend time, and it was weird at first because I was used to spending all that time with him, and felt guilty for not seeing him as often, but he actually likes hanging out with them more now and I have to accept the fact that he is growing up...but my husband and I make sure to have family dinners and plan special outings for each of the kids individually as well as together (my daughter is 8, so not quite the age gap, but they are starting to have different interests since he has entered junior high). This weekend my DH is taking him to a fire station to do a tour and possibly a ride along since he expressed interest in becoming an EMT. Maybe you can start a ritual for your daughter - like Friday night movie night with just her after your son goes to bed - get some popcorn and a movie...so she will look forward to that all week...and then DS won't be striving for all the attention. Or get them each involved in activities outside of the home that they can do on their own and then afterward, all go out for ice cream together. They don't always have to do the same things or be entertained...I think as moms we put it all on our shoulders to be everything to everyone, but especially when the kids get older, they should be helping us out more and we should have less stress because they are old enough to make certain choices by themselves and help us out. My kids help out a lot with chores and then after dinner sometimes we play a board game or watch a game show or something...Not sure if you are married or a single mom, but you can either try to have your DH watch your DS while you go out with DD, or possibly have a friend or babysitter watch him...once a week is probably all it would take for a couple hours...and then in a couple years it will be a bit easier because DS will be in school and maybe you can meet DD for lunch or take her out somewhere nice if she has an extra day off. Also - if you go to church, sometimes they have special programs for different age groups that you all can participate in...and one more idea - if you join a gym with a nursery, you can DD can take a class together that is age appropriate - like yoga or (maybe) spin...and then DS can go to the nursery section so you and DD can bond over some exercise. My gym has a great family program where I pay for my husband and myself, but the kids are practically free...good luck!!! I think you are doing an excellent job. :)

I would agree with Megan. My older two are 10 and 8 years older than my 6 year old and there's very little they want to do together. Every so often a great movie will come out that everyone enjoys so I make sure we go to see it as a family. I also try to have a family meal every night because the little guy can really make the other two laugh when he talks about school. (Yesterday he came home and said he was learning "Bat Knitting" in PE (badminton) which had us all peeing ourselves.)
It's probably better to try to do things individually with them. Certainly for the 12 year old as older kids can often feel left out when a baby comes along as it is.

First, I think it's great that you are really trying to build that bond between your children. I agree that you should spend sometime with each of them individually. Take your daughter for a girls only pedicure or to see a chick flick. Instead of crafts at home, try a class at the community center. Also, enroll your son in something that is just for him (karate, gymnastics, soccer) so he can show his sister (and you) want he can accomplish. In just a few years, the two of them will be able to relate to each other better. Good luck to you.
K.

Your kids sound great, and what your experiencing is perfectly normal. Can you leave Nico with a babysitter once or twice a month, and just go out with Taryn. I know that it is difficult but finding time to spend for just the two of you can be just the ticket.

Good Luck

First, good for you for seeing this problem and thinking about what to do! You're a thoughtful mom.

Your daughter is at an age and stage where she really needs you to do things with just her that are age-appropriate for her. Yes, your son needs you too, but your daughter is old enough to know that, honestly, she's the one who is having to accommodate his very limited attention span and interests. And when you try to accommodate HER much more mature attention and interests, and he tags along, he always "wins" because he gets restless, gets noisy, wanders off...and all those get mom's attention and, in her mind, ruin her fun. You are smart to be aware of this now, before she really begins resenting his always being around her.

As others have said, carve out time just for her. You did not mention whether there's a dad in your household; if so, he or your significant other should be taking on a lot more duties with both kids, to free you up for each one. And it means that the significant other gets time with the little one too--good for everyone! This should not be all on you, if you have family around (and they are able to help -- I realize that not all families can help out, for various reasons).

Also, be sure your daughter is not looking just to you for a social outlet; is she in school activities? Girl Scouts (it's never too late to join!)? Church youth group if that's your thing? Chorus or band or dance or art or school newspaper or sports? Of course you don't want her to feel you're pushing her into anything that's not her real interest, and you clearly want to spend time doing things WITH her (bravo!) but do be sure she's not looking solely to you for activities and outlets.

By the way -- DC has museums that shouldn't bore any kid of any age! Take them to places that are interactive, rather than places where it's just exhibits inside glass cases. Try Mount Vernon (has a new museum with lots of cool stuff kids of both ages will like plus places to run around), the Natural History museum (has a kids' exploration room that's open limited hours -- check before you go), etc. Search the Smithsonian web site for kids' events and they'll tell you what ages the events are for. Or have your daughter bring one friend her age with her so she has someone for company on a museum trip! Have fun.

First, you sound verey "in touch" with your kids and that is to be commended. It is a big age difference, and you discribed it very well. My kids are only 4 years apart, and that is bringing up challenges too but not quite the same.

I think that you need to emphasize family time with the kids, and frankly, tha tneither be allowed to dominate the situation. I know it is hard iwth a three year old, but you need ot say clearly in front of them both "Don't interrupt your brother" or "Let's watch what he is doing." Let him be the star sometimes. But the same is true in reverse, "Look how well your sister learned to do this and it's her very first time." This kind of language shows appreciation for both kids strengths and shows tha tyou value the unique relationship you have with each. be careful tha tyou are respecting the kids the way you want to be respected - don't let either one of them dominate.

I also think tha tfinding something that they can do together and that the 3 year old can learn from the big one would be great. Like playing game son the Wii, for instance, or board games or card games. Ask your 12 yearold to take the lead to teach the younger - reading, building wiht legos, whatever. And you back off whan tha tis happening. Allowing him to "help" you and see how hard it is but also how fun it can be will making him see the challenges and benefits of the little one.

Ultimately, I think you need ot encourage and find time to be alone with each at least once per week. They don't have to and shouldn't do everything together. Take your son out for a movie with Mom. Take the three year old to the playground by herself. They will learn tha tyou value each of them, and learn patience for being on their own.

Ultimately, the three year old will mature al lot in the next year, and it will get better in some ways. I think, as long as you teach them respect for each others differences, and respect for the job you are oding as a MOM in trying to be there for them both, then you are giving them a good life lesson about family.

As for actual activity suggestions, cooking and baking together is a great activity. You just need to plan seperate roles for them and be prepared to avoid boredom. A 12 year old for isntance can cook on the stove while the 3 year old makes a salad. But you need to do the prep work as much as possible so that they both have something to do and you aren't chasing the 3 year old around. Also, let your three year old watch some movies or color, so the older one can get some conversation and reading time with Mom. And then be tough, and don't let her interrupt! If you bowl or play miniture golf, pay for the little one to have her own turn so that you can compete with your son.

So, all in all, I think it is about the language and values you demonstrate. Teach them to appreciate each other. And it is about planing. They don't have to do the same activities at the same time, but when they do, they need to respect each other. Good luck.

PS - I think I totally screwed up who was older , the boy or the girl. Sorry, hope it still makes some sense!

Hi Keisha,

Mentally, and because of the age differences, the two are poles apart, so you will not be able to find something to amuse them both simultaneously. Trust me, you have already bonded with Taryn. You might want to consider doing what we do with our church family...place the 3-year old in day care an evening a week or with a close friend who also has young children, while you have some PQT with your 12 year old. You can also opt to pick up a friend of Taryn's and take her to the movies with you. She'll love you for it. And, finally, you can give Taryn more of a role of care-giver and/or teacher for her little brother...and let her know you need her help in coming up with ways and things to amuse him. While he is too young to know or care, she'll feel much better if she is an intricate part of all of your activities.

R. M

Hi Keisha.
I'm the oldest in a family of 4. My twin and I were 12 when my sister was born and 14 when my brother was born.

If at all possible, try to find someone to watch your son once a month, and have a special activity with just you and your daughter. Even if its just a long lunch or trip to the mall.

As for bowling, you son is not too young. Instead of him taking your turn, get a second lane. You and your daughter can play against each other on one lane, and your son can bowl on the other. Or, get one lane, and give him his own turn. The competition can be between you and your daughter, but your son gets to play too.

Other ideas is going to the library. Going to the ice rink.
M.

I don't have the age gap situation that you have and my eldest is only 6 , but just wanted to give an idea or 2. Ok the 3 yr old get's your undivided attention quite alot I imagine as the eldest is at school all day , so could you 1 evening/week or 1 day on a weekend do something special with your daughter? I'm thinking take her to the mall and do some clothes shopping , or take her to have a manicure with you? (if she is into girly stuff like that)or as you say she likes bowling , could you go bowling with her and let her take a friend aswell? Even taking her to starbucks for 30 mins on the evening wouldn't go un noticed from her. It's not always the thing that you do with them that's important but just actually spending time with them that they like.

Good luck

K.

How about board games or cards? I know Nico may be too young but you can give him pieces or cards to play with and his own little board that you can make out of cardboard and play the game with Taryn and pretend with Nico. Maybe you can do arts and crafts, Taryn can make collages of the things she's into, let her redecorate her room, etc. and Nico can draw and color. Do they have bikes (warm weather of course)? Is there a recreation center near you? Are you able to get friends/family/sitter one night a week or every other week to have 'a girls night out' with your daughter? Or maybe, it can be something you both look forward to on Friday nights or a weekend to have a 'girl's night in' and once Nico is asleep have a pamper party. Also, there is a Duck Pin bowling alley on Silver Hill Rd in Suitland (if that's not close to you google your area for duck pin bowling alleys), the pins and balls are smaller, you get 3 rolls and it's fun for everyone!

HTH.

~S.