Attitude Adjustment

I know this will sound harsh, but watch and listen to how you talk to her. If she is simply doing exactly what you do when you "freak out," then you'll have to change how you speak to her, because she is learning it from you. It's one of the hardest things as a parent to realize. If that is not the case, then tell her if she continues to act like this, you'll take the door off the hinges in her room. She will have no privacy, and she will HATE it. Tell her she can say whatever she wants about you to her friends and she can "vent" to them too. But as far as you're concerned, she had better bite her tongue when she's speaking directly to you. You're on the right track to "nip it in the bud" now. She is 12 and it will only get worse if it's not addressed.

Hi N.
I have six daughters ranging in ages 1 - 16 years old. I do not accept rude, unkind or sassy language. I have one daughter (almost 10) that slips into making these types of bad choices. I remind her that it is my job to raise herto be a respectful, compassionate part of society. I tell her I treat her as I want to be treated - ask her if she wants me to treat her the way that she is treating me (no) remind her that I can be the best at being rude (even if thats not true) and if she chooses not to treat me as I like - I do not reward her behavior with my attention - I have her do an unpleasant chore. Pick up dg poop, scrub the bathroom floor, do her sisters chore of taking the laundry outside - or stand in the corner - There is no compromise. There is no "shes just going thru a stage"

We are right there with you and my 9 year old in her sassy pants. I call her on it every time. 'That is back talk, try again.' 'Watch the attitude when you speak to a grown up.' I can't say it is helping, but she at least knows what is going on, and it serves as a warning.

A friend came over for dinner, and she recalled having to get her mouth washed out with soap when she said things as a child. WOW! I remember the same thing. Sometimes I was just too rude and paid the price. I'm thinking that we may have to buy that bar of soap together and put the fear in her. LOL!

Good luck.

I am assuming your talking about your 12 year old.I have a 10 year old going through the same phase. Everyone tells me it's puberty. I too was not allowed to disrespect my parents so the back talk really gets to me. I've been talking to her at the end of the day when things are calmed down and I try to listen to her point of view as long as she is not having attitude. I let her know that when she can speak to me respectfully that I will listen. It is helping but we have a long way to go.

Aloha N.. Peace to you. Which one is the sassy one? My seven year old daughter is sassing me too. The more time she spends with her friends (one in particular) the worse it gets. I also never was allowed to disrespect my parents. The discipline for disrespect was MUCH worse than messing up in the first place. I teach high school and, frankly, am shocked to be experiencing this attitude so early. That being said, can you imagine that if you do not attempt to correct this now how much worse do you think it will be a year from now? You must find a way to discipline (read: instruct or teach her the consequences)her attitude now. It will only serve her well. So she is somewhat miserable for a while. Better now at home than to be a jerk in public and have others respond to her rudeness the same way. Teach her to be assertive, yes, but only in respect to standing up for her rights. If you don't teach her to respect you and those in authority, who will? I deal with rude sassy high school students EVERY DAY whose parents never took the time to do this and believe me, I often think that I may quit teaching just not to deal with that attitude anymore. I know each child is unique and what you have tried so far has not worked... don't give up! Keep looking for different methods to daily inculcate a proper attitude and eventually she will turn around. With my 7 year old, we came up with a list of her responsibilities and give her $5 in quarters every week. Every time she talks back, questions me or dad, asks the same question more than once to which I already responded NO, etc. she has to go give me a quarter (or two). The list is posted on the fridge and she helped make it. She has so many toys that taking them away didn't work. Limiting time with friends did help somewhat but made us all miserable. I do spend about 20-30 minutes one on one time with her for homework and chatting as many days as possible but it doesn't always happen. I always tuck her with prayers at night and we brush our teeth together too. Eventually she won't want to spend so much time with me so I try to cherish it now. I don't know if this helps... but keep the faith. Something will work and you will all benefit from your diligence as a parent. Best wishes! J. O. Smith

N.: I'm guessing that its your 12 year old, thats the sassy one. lol You didn't say. You know, As a mother,and now Grandmother of teens,I know ...It takes something out of you, everytime you lose it with your kids.When I say lose it,I merely mean,get upset (frustrated) We never feel (Real Good) after an altercation with our kids.I hate it when they (Make Us) disapline them.We like to think, that we taught our kids better.You were raised the way I was.If I talked back to my parents,I had hell to pay.I tell my mother now,that had she not been a concert pianist, she would have made a Great (Tennis Player) She had one heck of a (Back Hand) lol All kidding aside,I am not a believer in physical punishment. I broke that chain years ago,when I had my sons.I do believe,however,that to get respect,you must earn it.You sound like your well grounded,and appear to be a fair individual. You need to insist on her treating you accordingly.Yes Let her steam a while.Let her sit in her room, and think about how she talked to you.Shes probably trying to come up with ideas on how to patch things up,quick enough to get her phone back by tonight! lol There is not A thing wrong with you demanding her respect.It is easier said than done, but it is so very important to try and stay calm during altercations.Your message comes across far stronger,and you appear more sure of your convictions,when your calm. If you scream and yell, thats all she is hearing.If I was you,I'd sit down alone with her, and attempt to cool things down. If she gives you the cold shoulder,and refuses to cooperate,I'd calmly say..Well ok...I guess We could go on like this,unsettled,for another week,but then thats one more week without your phone. : )I'd very calmly say...Do you honestly believe,that I deserve being talked to in that way? Do you think I get enjoyment out of getting upset? taking privlages away from you? I don't...But:It (hurts) when you speak to me the way you do,Your mature enough to understand...You wouldn't talk to your friends that way. Why would you speak to you own mother like that? Your doing the right thing N..If you allow her to get away with it now, it will only escalate. Relax,Take a breather,Then attempt to sort things out with your daughter.You might suggest to her, if her attitude improves in the next few days, she will begin getting privages back,and see what happens. The best of luck to you.

As soon as you start arguing with your daughter, you've lost the battle. You must choose to NOT react, but lovingly , yet sternly, continue to discipline her with taking away the things she loves. When you show consistency with disciplinary action w/o reacting to her behavior, AND when she learns she will not win when she chooses disrespect and a bad attitude, she will start to change. The most important part on your behalf is to encourage the good things that she does.....and not in a patronizing way but a genuine loving way. Love heals all.....and our children need to know they're loved even when they are misbehaving. In this journey of life, there will always be rules....we need to teach our children that disrespect and sour attitudes are a choice.....and they really don't solve anything.

I assume we are discussing the 12 year old?

Anyway, you sound like you don't know what you want. Your expectations are based on the behavior your parents expected of you. Something tells me you are not completely sure that you want the same from your daughter. Perhaps growing up you thought your parents never gave you the chance to explain your self .. something like that. I know, my parents would never let me speak. It was always, be seen and not heard and do what you are told without any questioning.

Sounds like you are wavering within yourself and your daughter knows it. She probably doesn't know why she does it but you really need to be firm and that only comes from knowing exactly what you want.

I raised only one child.. a boy. And I knew I didn't want what I had growing up. My mother always told me that I would have trouble with him because when he was very young, he could say anything he wanted to me... in her eyes even a questioning or whinning.. was sassing. By the time he was adolescent or even pre-adolescent, he never ever sassed me. We always discussed everything.

But, all children have different personalities. Try not to get into a power struggle with her. That and know what you really want from her.

Sorry this was so long.
Good luck.
D.

Hi, N..

I'm a grandma of 65 who has raised 3 kids, I have 5 grandkids and am actively involved in the raising of my youngest a 4 year old.

If I had it to do over again, when raising my kids through the early teen years, I would give myself a bit more mercy and tell myself over and over -- don't panic! I know what it is to freak out when a 12 yr old shows "the dark side" of attitude. However, if you can remain calm, keep an even tempered voice and just repeat the instruction, consequence or direction over and over again until she realizes you're going to be consistent, it will save you lots of energy and give her the security of consistency she wants and needs.

With half time responsibility for my little four year old guy, I decided that what I did as a first time mom wasn't necessarily all that effective, and I decided that I wouldn't ever yell at a child again. We are the adults, we are not raising kids we are raising responsible adults. She will take her cues for adult behavior from you. It's not easy being a mom, but if I can do it, you can do it.

I have 2 children of my own. I think it is important to understand that developmentaly they must go through these attitude changes and expirament. Remember, sometimes no reaction is the best. Kids love to get a rise from a reactive mom. Chooose your battles and what ever you do, dont take it personally!! When you are having a quiet moment with her, let her know how much you enjoy her, bring up the positive often...."i love when its just you and i". She will love to hear that!!
Good luck!

K.P.

I totally feel your pain! I have a 13 year old daughter and we battle it out everyday, mostly over homework. I feel, wrongly, that if I just let her get away with my stress level will go down. Not so. It is really hard to listen to a kid scream and pout about stuff being taken away. Then I get the feeling I am letting her control my life.
My advise to you is simple. Be consistent. If you give an inch she will take a mile.
I am doing this and after a week it is improving. Best of luck, I feel for you!

Good for you N.! Why should your expectations of her be any less than they are right now? I don't believe this attitude that it's OK for kids to be sassy with their parents. It's not good for kids to get away with being rude to their parents. It's not good for them, their parents, their siblings or society. If you are consistent with the rules and punishments for breaking the rules eventually she will learn to stop being sassy and attitudinal. Keep up the good work, be strong!

H.

Hi
I'm not sure which aged child you're having the problem with but I have recently overcome a major problem with my seven year old son. He was extremely aggressive and violent towards me which occurred in hour long episodes virtually every day for four months. I was black and blue. I put it down to him losing his father 18 months ago but it turns out he was being bullied at school. What I'm trying to say in a convoluted way is there could be a problem out of the family say at school or a club - who knows. They can't always verbalise their problems and take it out on their nearest and dearest. You sound like a caring family, just delve a little deeper and you my discover the source of all of your problems.

Take away everything from her, including her bedroom door and give them back one at a time as she improves or has a good day.

Well N. I have to say I grew up like you. Not only wasn't I allowed to be disrespectful I just didn't want to be anyway. Well too much has changed in parenting over the years and unfortunately we as parents sort of let this happen a few too many times where it becomes the norm. Have you just sat her down (I am not sure what age child you are talking about) and just ask her, why she is acting in this way and what does she expect to gain from her actions. Does she want others to treat her in such a fashion? Sometimes they need more of a reality check than anything. Don't get too frustrated, I know that is easy to say but we've all been there. Make her take some time to herself and reflect on her attitude and then discuss it with you and maybe see if she herself has a solution to the problem. Won't hurt and puts most of the responsibility of the situation back on her. Good luck and know that we are all out here with the same issues!

Dear N.~ I have a few questions to pose first:
1. when your daughter sasses or is showing disrespect, how do you REACT? Is your reaction one of emotional upset? Do you show your anger to her while you're reprimanding her? In short, is she aware of how you FEEL when you're dealing (or trying to) with it?
2. You say that you've taken away her privileges (phone, friends, etc.) When you do this, are you telling her why? Are you giving her a clear picture of what you expect?
3. How old is she? And where do you suppose she's learning these behaviours?

I ask for a few reasons, but mostly I'm offering you a way to look at YOUR behaviour first. What I mean is, more often than not when our kids begin exibiting these behaviours, it's for a few reasons; they could be attempting to 'spread their wings' or just simply get your attention, even if that attention is negative. It has been my experience that when I've had to deal with situations like this, the number one most important thing for ME to do is to stay calm. In other words, I'm not going to let my emotions fuel the fire. If she's a teen, she's looking to see who is going to 'win'. It's the nature of the little beasts. And in every situation, SOMEONE has to be the 'grown-up', so allowing her behaviour to upset you is not going to produce the results you're looking for. As simple as this sounds, it's absolutely true (in my experience). Whenever my daughter would display such behaviour, I'd stop whatever I was doing, make her come and sit at the kitchen table (with her rolling her eyes and being utterly obstinate!) and explain in a very calm voice that her behaviour was NOT acceptable. I would then explain WHY it wasn't acceptable and what I expected instead. In short, I'd tell her how it made me feel, then tell her that as a member of this family she'd be expected to show respect...the same respect I was showing her by sitting down with her to chat. I'd eventually get to the number one question ~ "is there something going on that's bothering you? is there something wrong in your world that I may be able to help with". I'd do my best to put myself in her shoes, without judgement or criticism, and allow her the venue to tell me how she's feeling. It is the exchange of respect that builds respect. If you want hers, you'll have to give her yours. She may not respond to this right away, but if you'll be consistent in YOUR behaviour, you will see a change. I'm pretty strict with my kids; they don't have a lot of things other kids their age have. But they know WHY. And I believe that most kids are just screaming for guidance, even if they fight it when you offer it. Remember ~ they're KIDS. They may THINK they know it all (didn't you?) but they don't. And it's your job to show her that YOU are the mom and she is the daughter and you will NOT tolerate disrespect from her or anyone else.

Which leads me to the next very important issue: how does your husband treat you? Are there ather people in your world who treat you disrespectfully? Because if she's seeing this, she's thinking it's okay to act the same way. Our children (and everyone else we know) LEARN how to treat us by what they witness. Put another way, we TEACH people how to treat us. If you're not demanding respect from others, why should you expect to get it from her?

Be patient with her and with yourself. You're BOTH learning your way. But that doesn't mean that you have to lie down for her to step on you. State your case. Stay calm. Don't allow your emotions to get in the way of your teaching her. Because in the long run, neither of you will gain anything from these outbursts. I hope this all makes sense to you. And I pray you'll find a way to work WITH your daughter instead of fighting against her. Let her know that you're on her side. Blessings to you and your family~
C. Strate
Coach/Author
Valley Center, CA
www.joyzachoice.com

Dearest N.,
I am a stay at home mom of two beautiful girls, 7 and 3 yrs old. My 7 yr old daughter is the one that sometimes gives me attitude. Just like you, I also grew up not disrespecting my parents. It just wasn't done. Kids today seem to be a little more open minded than we were. I too have taken things away from my daughter when she begins to act up and talk back. But even though that sometimes doesn't work I don't give up. I know it may be frustrating, but keeping to your rules shows her that you really mean business and that her attitude is not acceptable. Another thing that I do with my daughter when she begins to act up is ground her and depending on her attitude is when she'll be able to come out of her room. Have you tried sitting down with her and talking to her about her behavior? I noticed that sitting down with my daughter and talking to her about why she's acting up helps to find out why she's behaving the way she is. Sometimes it's just that she's having a bad day. This doesn't take up the place of disciplining her, this is just so she'll talk to me and be able to feel safe enough to come to me and talk out her problems or frustrations. After our talk, I send her back to her room to think about what she can do to better her attitude so she and all of us can have a better day with her. Sometimes having her take responsibility for her behavior makes her feel in control and that makes her feel better. Good Luck.
E.M.

N.,

Just a few words on the differences from the earlier generation and the one today.

I heard that the children look to the parents relationship and the way they talk to each other in molding their behavior to their parents. In the past there were more set roles and the father was typically the head of the household and thus treated differently than today. I know that my daughter would be worse when I ranted about something her stepdad said or did, not realizing that she was listening to me. I have since kept a check on what comes out of my mouth and have seen a change (over a couple years) with her relationships at the home front.

With that said I also believe that moms and daughters have this struggle once they reach a certain age and more parenting education needs to be taken on for this special time. Your relationship with your daughter can go either way drastically unless you find a class or book. I remember the book "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls." There are others listed on Amazon that might help also. Try to remember that you are in this together whether she realizes it or not. It is not about you. She is trying to navigate prewomanhood and needs your patience and help as the elder woman in the family.

Evelyn

I wish you lots of luck and my prayers are with you. I have a 15 yr old and an 11 yr old (girls). I have been through it and am going thru it again. The only advice I can give you is perseverance and consistency. My 15 yr old told me once during a "talk" that we had, that "I stopped caring about her when she was in the 7th grade. That is why she turned to her friends for advice and comfort". She was about 12. I have went through alot with her and our relationship is getting better, not good, but better. All I can say is always keep the lines of communication open. No matter how mad she makes you, always allow her to come to you or you go to her and talk about what happened and why she is in trouble. Ask her if the punishment meets the crime? Let her realize that what she did was wrong. Teens don't listen if you keep pointing things out to them. They need to realize this on their own. I try to do this as well with my 11 yr old but each child is different and sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. Good luck.

My daughter does that as well and my husband has enforced a hour system on her. She is only allowed to play with friends and stuff on the weekends so when she acts out or misbehaves during the week she gets an hour for each offense on the weekend that she cannot play. the first couple weeks she had like 20 hours that weekend..lol but now she is figuring out she might spend her weekends in the house, so just this last weekend she only had 8 hours which is a huge change. it might be worth a try it seems to be working with her better then the other stuff we have tried.

You don't say if it is the 7, 9 or 12 year old that is causing you this problem.

But I would say you seem to do the right thing. Even if she is more upset now that her priveleges are taken from her you need to hang in there and in a KIND and gentle way tell her it is all up HER to win them back, but most importantly she should want to win back your respect.

No need to be angry. No need to be upset with her. Just be the adult, who calmly knows better than a child and who is the one setting the rules.

It might take some time, but most kids would get your point pretty soon.
Just remember to keep you calm and don't lecture her. Just smile and keep saying NO.
It's up to her.

It helped me :)

Good Luck.

You are on the right track. My additional advice is to think everything over and make rational decisions about how you will handle it and what punishments will be put in place. When your daughter misbehaves do not respond in an emotional manner! Be calm and rational. Be firm and follow through. An emotional response from you will only fuel her fire to act up.

Wow...we wouldn't have dared do the eyeroll or "WHAT-ever" to our parents...now it seems it's the norm. I am going through the same thing with my 10 year old daughter right now and was advised by someone with 3 grown daughters to "choose my battles." (this is easier said than done). I have started calmly taking away her privledges. Always calmly and without giving her the reaction she was hoping for when calling me an"old-meanie" or whatever,I tell her that she loses watching a TV program or playing outside,etc. for being disrespectful. Stick to the punishment too, even if your sweet little daughter reappears with a good attitude later, tell her that unfortuately, the punishment still stands. I have made that mistake several times by backing off on the punishment, only to have the eye-rolling pre-teen monster reappear with no lesson or respect learned.

Hi N.,
The only thing I can recommend strongly for all parents, but especially for parents having children with attitude difficulties, is to look into the Total Transformation Program. We bought it to help with attitude of our daughter and it is really awesome. It teaches you new parenting skills that are highly effective at dealing with these behaviors. We haven't finished the whole 10 week course yet but have had great results so far. It is a little expensive but well worth the investment. You will have so much less tension and frustration in your home because of knowing exactly how to deal with certain situations before they escalate more. Hope that helps. J.

Don't lower your expectations! Like you, I was raised to respect adults and speak to them with respect and manners. Why should you expect anything less than that from your daughter?? If you lower the bar for her, you are setting the tone for the rest of your kids. They will see that she gets to speak to you in a disrespectful manner and they will follow suit. She is testing the boundaries, trying to establish the pecking order and you need to be fair but firm and you need to conduct yourself in a manner that is also worthy of respect (not saying that you're not). You set the tone, you are the adult

I have two children, a boy(7) and a girl(13). I understand your frustration. What I've tried is to give her an opportunity to correctly speak her words with respect. I'll say "excuse me, what was that?", then I might give her a better example. If she gives me attitude simply because she does not want to clean her room, then I remind her of responsibility we all have to do even if we don't like it. We had the talk about things not being fair, because her friends get to do what they want. She knows why we have the rules we do, and we listen to her feelings too. If she breaks rules then her privilege is taken away from her. Now, I think she catches herself before I have to say anything. She'll say it differently, or apologize for sounding sassy. I've also corrected myself if I was rude, or lose my cool. Just one mom to another, good luck!

It gets worse...say 16 yrs. old. From this point on it you will become the enemy to your child and to their friends. This is where you stay your course and just keep in mind that it's going to be tough going until they turn 18 and then just when they experience their new freedom, they get hit with the shocker that they are now responsible for themselves. That is when they start to appreciate you and all the things you did for them. It's all part of the parent club.
I am a stay at home mom/wife with a 23 yr. old step daughter, 18 yr. old daughter off attending college, 16 yr old (My Problem Child) daugher, 14 yr. old son,8 yr. old daughter and a 6 yr old son. I've been in the club awhile.

Hang in there!
P. W

First off, a lot of people say they would have never acted that way, but chances are they did at some point (ask your parents) and if they didn't, ask them if they were afraid to discuss some things with them (even now). I am also assuming you are talking about your 12 yo. I wasn't disrespectful or rude to my parents either UNTIL I hit about age 11-12. There were a couple years of HORRIBLE fights between me and my mom (my father by then had passed away) but most of it was over things I wasn't allowed to do that my other friends were (going to the mall, going to Burger King after school, wear makeup). I'll tell you, nothing my mom did made me stop. I was awful to her (in retrospect) but I also realize (in retrospect) that I was finding my own independence.
Now my son is 12. Like me, he's in excellerated classes, does well in school and like me he fights with EVERYTHING. It's gotten worse in the last 6 months.
I try to remind myself that they're in that in between stage- Not quite little kids anymore, not quite adults. With my son, he is highly intelligent and very book smart but he doesn't realize that he's not "street" smart. Add to that the hormonal changes their bodies are going through (think PMS on speed) and I try to stay as patient as I can with him and also choose my battles. My husband seems to be having the most problems with him because he questions him more than he questions me (I think it's the male child/male figure and with girls, I think our biggest "adversary" is the female role models in our lives, i.e. our moms) I should also add, my husband had a very STRICT upbringing. 99% of the time, he talks about how awful it was and in fact, he moved out of his parents house and in with Grandma when he was 16. But when he and my son are fighting, he references how he would never have behaved that way with his parents. Funny thing is, he's still afraid to talk to them and tell them how he feels, even now as a grown man.
So what do you do? Pick your battles. Try to keep the lines of communication open and when she's calmed down, try to get her to talk to you about how she was feeling and why she was feeling that way. Try to give her more choices (instead of no's) and more responsiblity. Once she gets out of this phase and her hormones balance out, the most important thing is to make sure she still feels like she can come to you with her problems and that she can talk to you. Because there are more phases to come...this is just the beginning.
I know it's frustrating but it is a part of their growing up and becoming the adults they are going to be.

Remain consistent in your disciplining methods, be patient, & soon your daughter should get the message that you must be respected, or her priviledes will be taken away.

Been there, done that! I have kids the same age as yours so i know where you're coming from. I've found that it's best to stop participating in the drama. During a quiet moment I told my daughter that I loved her, but that I would not permit her to be fresh, rude and obnoxious with me, and that if she chose to behave that way the consequence was that she was spending the rest of the afternoon/evening in her room, on her bed. Not sleeping, but on her bed. She was welcome to draw, write, read etc, but I took away her phone and ipod. I made it clear to her that now that she knows the consequence of her actions she is responsible for them, and that she was choosing the outcome, and that if because of her behavior she was to miss a class or social event it was on her. I also think that the quiet time helps them re regulate their hormone ridden bodies. Crucial point, you must not yell or engage, just stay calm and matter of fact. Good luck

N.,

You don't say which child is giving you the attitude, but I am assuming it is the 12 year old...If not disregard..if so, please keep on reading...I am also going through the exact same thing with my 12 year old daughter!! The once "angel" has been taken over and possesed!! I can only go from prior experience...my other daughter, age 14, went through the same thing at the same age. For six months we went around and around, her constantly whinning and bad attitude about everything..school, friends, home, etc...I finally realized what this was all about..HORMONES!!! As soon as she started her period all the attitude I was getting went away and I got my angel back..I am hoping that the same will be said for my younger daughter..I actually had this conversation with her yesterday..I told her that I understood the demands of 7th grade and all of her "drama" in her life and that the fact that she is going through "the change", but I still expect her to be kind to everyone and respect me and her father, in summary, it doesn't give you the o.k. to be a PAIN IN THE..just because you are having some tough times. Keep on reinforcing that to her and that you DO Expect her to follow these guidelines. Nothing wrong with having rules!! Keep on talking to her..keep the openess going! I know that I will have to constantly remind mine of this, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! I hope this helps..hang in there! A mom of almost two teenage daughters!! C. C.

lead by example, if you freak, it does not have a good impact. provide consistancy, structure and follow through- over time if you are really consistant you will see results. also perhaps focus on your relationship with her- not just getting her to do what you want--

Keep hangining in there. Sounds like your on the right track. Try as part of her "punishment" bring in some serious community service work. In other words, let her see how less priviliged lives and perhaps she will be more greatful and apprchiative towards her family.

Hang in there N.! She is testing to see how far she can go and how long it takes to get you agitated. I always liked a car ride with my kids. One on one, Starbucks or a burger. Just get in the car and drive. No distraction and no one can walk away. It may not happen the first time out, but I promise at some point when it's just the two of you in the car she will feel free to open up, sometimes they just don't know how to communicate how they feel and how to put it into words that make sense. It's a crazy time for kids out there and the only safe place for them to fall is in your ability to listen. Mine are 25, 23 and 20. The car is still our favorite place to talk. God Bless.

Hi N.,

Sometimes I have to remind myself that my 14 year old son is not perfect, nor am I. I want to be his friend, but I had to give up that dream and just be "mom."

I would recommend that you keep your determination to rear your children as you feel you were brought up as it sounds like you have a good value system in place. Your going to go through rough patches, days, maybe months of total girl teenage tantrums, but try to think ahead to her future and the day when she responds, "thanks Mom, you taught me well."

It's this generation of mass extreme of neediness. Kids rely way too much on electronics for communication and stimulation.

Make a date with your daughter, just her and you - no phones. Tell her that sometimes she will not like you and that's okay, but that you will always love her.

Just a thought, I'm no expert. My mom was firm with me and I "think" I am raising my son the same, I do as I was done to. My mom tells me I'm too hard on my son, go figure!

Have a good day, S.

You should expect and receive respectful behavior from your daughter. Perhaps the key is in maintaining a calm deameanor, but one that also stands firm--this will command respect. Speaking about your expectations to your daughter may also help, but do not negotiate. Willful disrespect will only breed a spoiled brat--which will not be to her advantage, anywhere--ever.

Community service work often helps give kids perspective (e.g. homeless shelter, food bank). Maybe she needs to get out of her protected "bubble" and see the world for what it can be. this may leas her to appreciate her own family, including you, much more. Just an idea...good luck!

Hi N.,
It doesnt sound like your expectations are off, however maybe you need to tweak your reaction to the bad behavior. You need to tell her at a time when everything is good what your expectations are ie : no sass, no disrespect etc. I have found that when I blow up or freak then I'm just as irritating and disrespectful to her , basically when I react to my daughters reaction it just gets ugly.
So before you say anything the next time shes sassy...breathe.... and reply to her in a calm manner that if she continues that she will loose privileges..it's important that we dont loose our cool...because thats when you loose control on the situation and the minute I start screaming I loose credibility. Stay true to what you believe is respectful behavior and you will get it eventually...be prepared for hormonal meltdowns..they will happen and make sure she knows you love her no matter what. Take Care.
K.

Hi N.,

First I would say, choose your battles carefully. There is a definite learning process on our part and a lot of patience involved when you have a near teenager on your hands. Their hormones are flying, and they tend to think they can rule you and the world. Not!
Do the best you can. Know everything you can, where she is with whom she is with (and their parents). Then you need to set some rules in the house. Sit her down and come up with a solution. Let her know that you don't want to yell at her, and how important it is you both let each other know how you are feeling, with no arguing, being rude, or yelling involved. Remember Not to be rude back to her, ever. For every action there is a reaction. Don't let her rule you, just be calm and persistent. Things have to make sense to a teenager. Why? because I love you, that's why.
Also don't forget to tell her you love her, and do some girl stuff, just you and her. Go to Claire's, play dress up, put make up on each other do each others hair and take photos with her, just do silly crazy fun things. Or whatever she's in to. Even though they act so grown up they have to be shown it's still cool and fun to do these things, don't forget to have fun with her.
I think this is one of the most important times in a kids life. They can either pull completely away from you, which is easy, especially when we're pulling our hair out and wondering what happened to our sweet little girls, and we don;t want to loose them. Or you can start getting to know each other better and grown together. Do allow her to do a few new things, she's trying to find some independents, but as I said as long as you know exactly where and with whom, or just allowing her to do something you don't normally do. As long as it's not hurting her or anyone else. Pick your battles. Some things are ok.
When my older one was 13 I got one "I hate you" from her. Instead of yelling back I just didn't respond at all. It was amazing how a little silence helps. She was apologizing like crazy the following day, and I let know how much it hurt me. I think they forget that we have feelings too. We are these indestructible mums!!! Also make sure that if you do yell at her and it was inappropriate, to go and apologize to her too, you don't have make it ok if she's done something wrong, but you should let her know that you shouldn't have yelled and to sit and talk about it.
Anyway, mine is almost 21 now, and I'm one of her best friends. However I have 10 year old who acts like she's 13 already! Thank God I'm a little smarter, although it takes work. Todays kids do not have the respect that we had growing up, so we have to instill this in them and teach them how important it is.

I wish you luck, a lot of patience. and don't forget the lots of love. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be writing in the first place, and you need to make sure she knows this too.

A.

I'm guessing it's your 12 year old who's the sassy one. I was raised like you were and wouldn't have dreamed of being sassy to my parents. Times have changed, media images have influenced kids, etc. They are not living in the same world we were - you need to create new rules for yourself about what is acceptable and what isn't. For example, I try to stay very open when my daughter's "tone" until/unless she steps over the line: the "line" is outright disrespect, door slams, screaming, etc. At that point, I tell her I'm not talking to her again until her tone changes - then I walk away!!! She generally comes around and apologizes in a very short time. DON'T FAN THE FLAMES by overreacting, yelling, etc. Count to ten and stay calm - and know this is normal pre-teen/behavior. Stay in charge by shutting her down/walking away. She'll learn. It takes two to fight.

I have two daughters ages 13 and 14. My advise is to not give in to her. Stay strong, and don't allow that behavior. I know how hard it can be. Remember that you are not alone. Kids need to show respect to their parents, teachers adults, etc.

elcome to the club! I notice what really works is to remove something they really treasure: t-v, ipod, friends, shopping, etc. You need to be consistent and make sure you let them know who is the adult and that children must be respectful towards adults and that's a very important rule. Kids like to break rules so we need to punish with consequences. (loss of priveleges) Good Luck, there's a good book on Setting boundaries with children at Amazon.com.

I feel your pain. I have three daughters 11, 9 and almost 7. I too am a stay at home mom. I'm going through the same thing wiht my 11 year old. I tend you react back to her as well and as we both know that isn't working for us. I think they are going through so many changes with hormones and with their firneds and trying to find their place in this world. I'm trying to be a better listener and understand her a little more(I haven't been great with that in the past).Maybe try and take her out for some one on one time and just talk. Maybe she will open up to what is really bothering her? They need is now more than ever--it's hard not to want to strangle them right now. good luck. C. B

There is a great book called "Transforming the difficult child - the nurtured heart approach" by Howard Glasser. They also have a website...
Hope it helps

The idea of respect has not changed. I too was raised to respect others and adults. Our children now young adults and home schooled were taught to respect, have good manners and be polite. Perhaps your daughter (I presume the 12 yr old or maybe even the 9 yrs old) is feeling as if she is not being heard or understood. She may be pre-pubescent or in puberty which could then be hormonal. I feel that we as parents set the example and tone in the home. Perhaps before responding you could take a deep breath, think it through and respond quietly. Also I've learned that each child needs to be parented differently, what works with one doesn't always work with the other.
If possible affirm your daughter, encourage her in the positive things that she accomplishes and when she fails let her know how much you love and believe in her and lead her toward her success.
I wish you the best.

Ok Im a Mom and Grandma of five and all I have to say is you need to draw a line with her and stick to it. I have a 12 yr old Grandson and am starting to go throught the same thing but I will not be treated with Disrespect after I and my husband have made sure they have what they need and more.
It boils down to two things, 1. you getting respect as a parent. 2. the child trying to get what they want.
advice I have is just keep talking and to her and expect a certain amount of respect.

Stick with expecting respect from your children, as their parent you deserve it, You might try therapy to understand where she is with her emotions, but bottom line stick to your guns, don't lose your children to this disrespectful world.

Keep your cool. She is pushing your buttons to get a response. Your expectations are good.
When she does something that you don't like go dead pan on her. Show no emotion. Say, "That word is not acceptable in my presence. Please say such and such instead." Then walk away so she can't argue. EVERY time that she does what you don't like do the same thing again.
It won't be fun if you don't respond.
Do NOT get mad.
Never make a threat that you won't carry out.
For example, "If you do that I will never take you shopping again."
Instead say, "Today is Tuesday. If you keep your mouth clean in my presence until Saturday then I will take you shopping."
If she does it, she gets to go shopping. If she doesn't then she doesn't get to go.
When she does ANYTHING nice compliment her personally and precisely. "I appreciate the way that you helped your brother." I noticed the gently voice that you used when you spoke to me. Thank you."
Never say You are such a good girl" or "you are such a bad girl." Those have to do with inherent characteristic. Do not try to change the child, change the behavior.
Take baby steps. Be firm and fair. Carry through. Do not compare children.
Realize that children are not extentions of us. They are individuals. Let her be herself as much as possible. Just control the unwanted behavior and speach in your presence.
Outside controls and consequences will control the behavior when she is out.
If her clothes are not vulgar or immodest, let her wear what she wants.
If she doesn't want to comb her hair, let her go out messy. Her friends will tell her. If she wants purple hair let her have it. These are all external and really don't matter.
Speaking rudely to her mother DOES matter.
NEVER let her speak rudely to her father or grandparent. Ask your husband to speak to you with dignity. Then ask him to teach her to speak to you with kindness. I'll bet that you didn't sass your mom because your dad wouldn't allow it.
Hang in there. Pray.

Years ago, everyone expected certain behavior from kids. Now, look at books, movies and TV shows - almost always, the main character is sassy and snotty. Kids are growing up thinking that it's not only allowed behavior, but something that should be encouraged.

That said, you are the mom and you make the rules. When you're not angry, review what you expect. Review exactly what will happen if the rules are broken. Then, let her know that it's 100% up to her. She is free to behave as badly as she wants, but you are free to make the consequences and enforce them.

Follow through every time with the least amount of emotion possible. Saying, "Well, you just lost a week of TV viewing," should be said in the same kind of voice you use to say, "Well, it looks like we're out of milk."

Some kids are just more difficult than others. Remember that this too will eventually pass!

The most helpful advice I ever read. The statement when my kid is disrespectful to me "________________ is your opinion of me, I don't agree with your view of me. I don't see myself that way.

It helps a lot to set that boundary. Before this statement I internalized the name or opinion that he said of me. Now I know that I don't have to share his opinion. Also it stops me from getting enraged.

The book /How To Talk so Children Will Listen and Listen so Children will Talk/ is very helpful. I don't remember being as disrespectful to my parents either but so many things are different in today's world. Plus that thought in your head only makes you angrier and doesn't help in these situations.

Good Luck,
B.

N.,
Keep on the taking away priviledges. I have a step-daughter whose 15 and does the exact same thing. It drives me nuts! I was a very sassy disrespectful teenager. And my parents grounded me and took away everything. It didn't make me much fun to be around I'm sure, but it did eventually sway me from talking back, knowing there really were consequences and that I couldn't just pout and be horrible and get out of them. (huge problem with my step-daughter and her mother) I'm sure it was a horrible thing for my parents to deal with but I am VERY grateful now. I think it may just be a teenage rebelious thing. Good luck! One other thing...one of my good friends was the same way when she was a teenager. Her mom eventually just did the same thing back. Copped an attitude, dirty looks and everything. My friend was shocked and then her mom just said "doesn't feel nice does it". Good luck! I hope any of this works.