Argh - BIL Is Marrying a Significant Ex of My Husband

Just move on...really why draw any attention to this....big deal. Move on, Move on, Move on. Let them be happy you are happily married. Big deal. Go, slap on a smile and move on in life.

Why hasn't your husband healed from this relationship? Everything about this post shows he is not. I am surprised that doesn't concern you being his wife.

I mean why is there tension, awkwardness?

My first reaction here is that this day is NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. If the groom's brother is not there, it will draw far more attention than attending and leaving the reception early. You are phrasing this as though you are trying to spare their feelings, but in all reality you are trying to spare your own.

How insulting to you as well... your husband is happily married to you, right? Then who gives a rat's a$@ who the bride dated before meeting your BIL.

Sorry, but I don't get why you can't get along. My husband golfs with my first love. Seriously. We're all happily married adults and they enjoy eachother's company. I work 10 minutes from my husband's former girlfriend. We have lunch alone a few times a year and guess what... I like her and we don't talk about my husband! My husband was engaged before we met and she was killed in a car accident. On my wedding day a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a lovely note were delivered to my hotel suite from her family (who attended our wedding). It's called being an adult and being happy in your current situation.

It's not embarassing. Your husband may still have feelings for this woman, which makes it embarassing, but that's his issue to deal with. Is he unhappy in your marriage? That would be my first question to him.

Go to the wedding. Smile for the pictures. Go the reception and leave after dinner is served. Be an adult and don't let your selfishness ruin someone else's day.

Good grief. You go to your BIL's wedding. Sounds like the only person who has an issue is your husband. Time to put the big boy pants on and get on with it. I understand it was a rough break up but now he is married to YOU. He should be happy for his brother.

This isn't about you or your husband its about your BIL and his new wife. Go to the wedding, take the pictures, eat dinner, then go home. This is not that difficult.

I sometimes have a difficult time in writing without being harsh. This is one of those times. How to say something delicately without hurting the other's feelings. I did not do that below. I could have been more harsh, but it is still, what I see as, the harsh reality. I think if I were to write more diplomatically, the gist of what I had to say might be lost. I hope to wake you up to the matter, not insult you.

Time to grow up people. Your husband broke up with his former girlfriend years ago. The relationship wasn't a perfect fit, so she ended it. That is the logical, MATURE thing to do. A person may feel hurt for a little while because they were rejected, their hopes were dashed, their dream ended. (Rejected as a mate, not as a person, unless the person has some serious problems.) But people ususally get over it. Who wants to be in a relationship that doesn't work? People can still be friends with former sweethearts. (I know lots of people who are and have no problems.) Your husband's former girlfriend realized that the two of them weren't a good fit and she moved on. Time for your husband to move on, especially since he is married to you.

You wrote, "...he was with for almost 4 years and took years to get over after she dumped him..." He's not over her. He's the one with the problem, no one else. Your husband having not gotten over this past relationship emphasizes his lack of maturity. I imagine this could be a factor in why his last relationship ended.

You have a problem too, but it is directed at the wrong person/people. You having a problem with his ex marrying his brother makes me wonder what your problem is. What your problem should be is that your husband has strong feelings for another woman. Because you are upset with other people when the problem lies with your husband gives the impression that you are not fully mature either. A perfect match for your husband?

If I were you, I'd be upset that your husband is so emotionally wrapped up in this other woman. He needs to get over it and pay attention to his own family. You need to get over it too.

Your husband wasn't quite the right person for this woman, but he was close. His brother is the right person. The two of you should be happy for them. Instead you are both behaving like drama queens and are making everyone else miserable.

Time for the both of you to get your priorities straight.

Good luck and I hope you have a lovely time at the weddding.

M.D.

Ok, I'm sorry but I just can't understand why this is SO awkward if there are not still feelings between your husband and his ex. I mean yea, it's a little weird that she's marrying his brother, it's not the ideal situation, but to say your not going to go to their wedding? If they do invite you they obviously don't find this situation as awkward as you do.

If the brother in law and his fiance invite you to the wedding and don't feel awkward about it, what awkwardness are you trying to avoid on their behalf?
If it's just too awkward for you and your husband, you're just going to have to be honest about it. You not going but sending your children would seem even more obvious.

Get this.....my brother in law's father found out that one of his friends was having an affair with his wife. She left the father and married the friend. The father married one of her friends. My brother in law has two parents who did a funky switcheroo. Scandalous!!!
And we all get together for holidays.
It wasn't so cordial in the very beginning, obviously, but years have passed and there are grandkids and great grandkids. They're even grandmas and grandpas to MY kids.
We don't all sit around talking about how "unseemly" the whole thing is. They are really nice people who are much older now and yes, when they were young there was scandal. But, each of them have stayed with their respective spouses for 30+ years. There was obviously something "right" about the whole thing.

If you get invited, I think you should go. If you don't go, it will look like your husband either still has feelings for her or YOU are the one who isn't happy about the whole thing.
They're getting married and they may be married for the rest of their lives so somebody somewhere is going to have to get over it being awkward at some point.

That's just my perspective and my opinion.

It makes it look like your hubby and is ex still have feelings for each other! That's what I'm getting. Otherwise, I don't see why it would be awkward. They have been split up for years; your hubby is allegedly in love with you; his brother is in love with his fiance - don't know why it's awkward except if feelings are still in play. Also, since hubby hasn't seen her family since they broke up, why would that be such a disaster. There is something to this story you're not telling us and it's that "something" that, in your mind, would make the situation awkward.

I think you should go to the wedding but only you know the real reasons behind the awkwardness, so we really can't offer any good, well thought out advice since we obviously don't know the whole story.

By the way, I have been friends with my hubby's ex-wife since before they were divorced and with his ex-girlfriend from before he married his first wife and it has never been awkward. Thus, my sense that there is something here you're not sharing.

It might be time to make a conscious effort to stop thinking of her as your husband's ex and start thinking of her (and referring to her) as your soon to be SIL. If both of you really make an effort to only call her the future SIL, it will get easier.

Remember, the wedding is not about you. It might take a lot of energy, but go to the wedding and pretend like nothing happened. Fake it till you make it! Pretend there is not history and you are happily welcoming a new member of the family. Celebrate with them, and then go home and be happy together.

No amount of time is going to change what happened years ago. But you can stop thinking about it and letting it be the focus and letting it effect your happiness.

As far as the future goes, again, focus on your immediate family first and the rest of the family second. If they fit into your plans and what's best for you, great. If not, that's the way it goes. But stop letting them effect you so much. Let them in to the extend that you want to and do it happily. You will all be healthier for it.

I mean this nicely and not in a sarcastic tone - you all have to suck it up and get over it. If they are getting married, this girl is going to be around for the rest of your lives. You all need to figure out a way to be around each other in small settings without it being awkward.

I think it is a huge mistake to skip the wedding. It's the type of decision that may seem right at the time but would only lead to regret in the future. If you're worried about it being awkward, spend some time together in the next few months and figure out how to be comfortable around each other so you can all have fun at the wedding.

Why is there any awkwardness and on whose behalf ? I am sorry but this is your DH's brother right? Even if you skip the wedding you will be family! Are you going to skip every Christmas, thanksgiving, BBQ that they will be at for the next 30+ years?
I would get to the bottom of the awkwardness - after 3 or more years noone should feel weird about this any more!
If my DH felt weird around an ex or the other way around I would see a big red flag.

I guess for me I would be the bigger person and if you get an invitation.. go to it.

Granted thier are ex's. But he has now moved on in his life and married you. I understand that there was alot of hurt feelings. But that was the past.

Put on your and his best fake smile if you need to and try your best to be happy for them. Things didn't work out between your husband and her and be happy that his brother has found someone he loves and is experiencing the kind of love you share with your husband... even if it is an ex-girlfriend.

I am really close friends with my husbands ex fiance. She cheated on him shortly before the wedding. They called it off. After a few years he forgave her and became friends again. After him and I got married ( she was invited to the wedding, I was on guard at first but realized he loves me and is with me... she was just a bump in his past that has carved him to who he is today) and we spent more time together her and I have become very close friends. Sometimes he will look at us and say in some ways this just isn't right ( like when in fun we gang up on him for things, in a loving way) then says its so great that you two are such good friends.

On the flip side, I was so in love with a boyfriend. He broke up with me and I was crushed for a long time!! Over time we have ran back into each other and we have been friends for 10 years now. Him and my husband are also good friends. We have gone out a few times the 3 of us. They are a person of our past, we need to learn to heal and let go of those feelings.

Its only weird if you let it be.

So it obviously does not bother your BIL that his wife to be dated his brother and the bride doesn't seem to mind that she is engage to marry her ex-boyfriend's brother. Sounds like the only one that is not over it is your husband. I would think your husband would be so glad she broke up with him because he ended up marrying you. I think it would look like he still had feelings towards her or like he was bitter if you guys don't attend the wedding.
I get she was crappy to him etc. but really wasn't her breaking up with him the best thing that could have happened?
Both of you should go to the wedding with smiles on your faces and pose for as many photos as they would like. It is their day after all and if they don't want you there you won't be invited.

If you and your husband are happy together, then you should have no problem attending the wedding and sharing some of the happiness you have with your BIL and the ex-GF.

I encourage you to look at this as a healing opportunity for everyone. It is a chance to be gracious, take the high road, and prove that your husband is happy with his choice to marry YOU. Your BIL can have your husband's leftovers. Good luck to him, I say.

The good thing about weddings with all the 'inner circle' stuff is hopefully you will be too busy with the rituals of the day to worry about the tension.

It will create more problems if you do not attend--other people's perceptions of your choice to be absent may create unnecessary drama, detract from the day, and negative consequences for years to come. Better yet, practice in a mirror beforehand looking the "ex" and your "BIL" in the eye and saying "I wish you every happiness with each other."

I understand your desire to support your husband and protect his feelings. But if he still has issues, then best he seeks counseling and other ways of understanding and releasing his emotions.

Maybe you could attend the ceremony and the early part of the reception and then scoot--after congratulating the couple.

I think you are amazingly grown up. I would have had a tough time even typing something so rational sounding.

I like the "make the bro's talk" suggestion.

I also like the dinner for 4 suggestion.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be fine not going (but I'd work it out b/n the bro's first). I'd also be fine going to the ceremony and nixing the reception. I'd be fine sending the kids. I'd be fine planning a vacation at the same time. But with all of those, I'd make the bro's talk.

You sound like a terrific and supportive wife - but this is your husband's "thing". Make him and BIL talk. They have man stuff to discuss and figure out - like sharing a gf, hurting your husband, and does BIL want his wife's ex there?

I'd also say F it to the family and their drama. Whatever the bros decide - that's what I would say is best. They're the ones that schtupped the same girl - it's been long enough - they better figure it out before you're posting questions about chistenings, holidays and graduations. LOL

Hang in there! :)

Why is it still awkward. I'm sure you can get over the fact shes his ex, so if its awkward for him which makes you jealous theres bigger issues at hand. I could see how it may be....first loves hold so,ething special, but if he can see her flaws and is glad hes not with her and doesnt hold her in such high regard for being his first love I dont see why you cant attend. What are you going to do when you're the aunt and uncle to their children? I would suggest getting together before invitres are out and clear the air so they WANT to invite you and you WANT to attend. If I was invited to my ex's wedding and he wanted M. there I'd attend with bells on and celebrate the fact that my daughter gets a step mom...thats J. M. though.

Touchy situation, indeed.REALLY awkward since two brothers share intimate memories with the same woman..ugh. But NOT attending will draw all the attention on you, guys. He's the brother of the groom, you are superclose family, how can you NOT expected to be there? THAT would make it much more awkward. My advice: adopt a more "blasè" attitude, print a smile on your faces for the occasion and definitely attend. It really is the most diplomatic choice since the rest of the extended family (and her family!) are invited. Nothing better than this wedding to show that not only is your hubs over the whole thing, his entire family and wife are too. Believe me, in the light onf things you don't want to look like fools. Besides, in my opinion, the people who should feel embarassed by the situation are the bride (picking two brothers? Are you kidding me?) and her future husband (sleeping with his brother's ex = creepy and plain twisted). You and your husband have nothing to hide, so show up! Their wedding is NOT your problem!

My first thought...she's an EX. Then I thought it sounded like a Springer moment. Then I thought that no matter what your reasoning is for not going it will make everyone else think that your husband hasn't gotten over her and you are jealous.
The attention is going to be on your husband no matter what because I am assuming by what you wrote that it was a rough breakup. Most people in his family will know that he was dating her and had a hard time so most people will be looking at him to see how he is feeling about his BROTHER marrying the woman that broke your husband's heart.
So, should you care what other people think? No. Should you go to the wedding? I don't know. But either way...people will be talking.
L.

There is a lot of drama here when there needn't be... take the ego out of the equation and then all you have here are two people getting married... four years IS a long time ago.. live and learn... time to let go.. simply because there was tension in the past, there needn't be today.... rise above it and everyone get on with one's own life...the bigger point here should be what you are teaching your own kids which is.... yeah, people get hurt .. and people get over it... Your hubby could use this as an example as to how the ordeal made him stronger .. or not...

good luck in whatever you decide

i think you need to grow up and so does your husband....what is in the past in in the past...remember the saying "don't look for me in my past i don't live there any more"....but it seems that you and your husband still live in the past!!! let it go and let you BIL and new SIL have their day....

I think if they invite you they have thought this all out and do not mind you being in the photos. If they invite you, you should definitely go. This is your husband's brother!!!! He should go! If you did not go, no matter what the excuse, that would create drama and draw attention towards yourselves. By not going you are showing everyone that your husband is not completely over her and that there is still tension.

I think if they invite you that you should go. You keep saying that the reason you would not go is because you don't want three to be tension to them on their day but you are not giving them enough credit! If they are worried about it then they probably won't invite you guys although I think it is kind of silly!
Are you jealous of her or uncomfortable around her? I think you Ned to take a good hard look and assess that. I could understand why that might be an issue. Figuring out if that is part of the problem could help with the solution.

I hope you all can find peace with each other. I can understand why this would be a little awkward for everyone! I wish you the best!

It appears that you and your husband are the only ones who really care. First of all it's your "husband's only sibling" getting married and you want to skip it because it would be "uncomfortable"? Sorry I totally agree with Krisa P. Grow up-if you miss this it will be you who is creating the most drama. You can't just miss someone's wedding because of past drama. If your husband has a problem with going it sounds like he hasn't truly let go of her. Go and be as gracious and sweet and mature as possible!

I went to an ex's wedding. Our families are very close, we spent almost everyday together growing up...we dated it didn't work out...it was not an easy breakup.

We still attend BBQs, family and family get together. We joke just like we have ALWAYS done. His wife is a wonderful woman, she and I get along just fine. We are not "friends". But we don't make it uncomfortable for each other; And that my dear is what you are doing by AVOIDING!

Your husband it sounds like has some issues with his brother that he has not dealt with yet. I would go with what others have said...the brothers need to talk.

And you need to get over this woman hurting your husband...cause had she not broke his heart...he may not have become yours.

Assuming that your husband's brother and his new wife are going to be in your lives for a very long time, not to mention an aunt and uncle to your children, I would reconsider attending the wedding. We are all family after all, and it sounds like you both have had plenty of time to adjust to the relationship, even if you don't approve. I would show that you are the bigger people when you come out to support your brother-in-law. That's my opinion anyway, I'm sure you will figure out what is best for you both.

I have to agree that not going will make everyone assume your husband can't take the idea that his ex is getting married. You gotta suck it up and go and be happy and like it's no different than if he's marrying someone none of you met before a year ago. My sister's long time ex was at her wedding. My boyfriend raised an eye but my sister and he became friends. She had to work at it bc the break up was hard on her but she and her husband sometimes have her ex and his now wife as their guests and it's all fine. It's fine bc my sister worked through her feelings. It kind of sounds like your husband hasn't. I have a friend who never got over a boyfriend. It's made for some interesting mutual friend weddings... If her sister married this ex and she didnt' go, we'd all know it was bc she couldn't handle it. Unfortunately, it doesn't reflect well on how she feels about her husband. I think your husband needs to work through this. It's his only brother and she'll be his wife...

If you are invited, I think you should go - I think your absence makes a bigger statement than your presence, and not a very nice one. I agree with all the "be the bigger person" responses you've gotten... as well as the "make the brothers talk." I also think that if you DON'T go, people will assume it's because your husband hasn't gotten over the ex, and hasn't forgiven his brother. If this couple is getting married, it's time for your husband to do both.

Weird alright. Right now the ball is in their court. If you get an invite, I'd put on a smile, be gracious, and go. Pretend like nothing happened in the past, be the bigger person. Sure there will probably be a few whispers, but if anyone wants to rehash the past with you. Smile and say, "we've moved on long ago, we're happy for X and X." If you're invited and don't go, it will be more fodder for gossip, and make your DH look like he still can't get over it or is holding a grudge, even if that isn't the reason you stay away. If they don't want the tension and awkwardness of having you two around, they don't have to invite you. If you get an invite, I'd assume they've moved on and you should go and show everyone else you have too.

i would not want to be in your position. Has your husband forgiven his brother and gotten over the girl?

If the answer to both is yes, I would have him ask his brother how he feels and what he wants. If he wants yall there, go. Show how very gracious you are. If he says no, send a gift with a nice note wishing them well, and plan a fabulous out of town trip.

If the answer to either question is no, I would just tell the brother, sorry dude, it's still akward, send a gift and skip it.

Wow. You are remarkably calm about this woman and your BIL! When you say, "What bride wants to share a wedding photo with her new husband and her ex boyfriend?" I want to scream "One who is OK with marrying her ex-boyfriend's brother!!!" But that's just me. :)

Obviously, I don't know the whole story. But with what you've said, I think you and your husband should do what ever YOU are most comfortable with. Clearly your BIL doesn't seem to have the capacity to consider your husband's feelings (if he did, it's unlikely this situation would ever occur). I think it's fine for you to stick up for yourselves here and just say no to this awkward relationship.

What about just attending the church or civil ceremony and skip the dinner? I have to say though, you both can't avoid them forever. I'd stop letting them be the reason to avoid family gatherings period. It isn't right for his brother to have dated and now to marry her, but it's up to him and now she's going to be related to you. I don't mean to be unthoughtful toward you or your feelings. I think they're valid. It's just that you're in a spot where it's best if you're both accepting of the BIL and his new wife (to be). Hope this helps!

If this woman was sleeping with both brothers during the same time period, I would agree that's borderline incestuous. However, in between her breaking up with your husband and getting engaged to his brother, both of them got married to other people! And, your BIL and the ex have been together for 3 years already! I have erased the rest of my original answer and defer to MamaDu below, as it is a much kinder way to say the same thing. I second her post :)

I say since it's not about you, don't worry about what other people think. If you let the happy couple know your best intentions (and they would probably have a better time if you don't go), why should you attend for how it would "look" to people who really don't matter in this scenario? If your BIL and fiance are hurt, then go be bigger people and go, but if they're fine with it, that's all that matters. For the distant future when people really are over it, it might be nice that you're in the photos, but again, who really cares, and how many people really look at wedding photos. I would defer to your BIL and fiance and have a real discussion about it and leave it up to them.

Weird. I guess I would wait to see if I even get invited. If not, no big deal, there is your answer. But if you guys do get invited, I would just call the couple and honestly say, look, we all know the history here so how we are going to handle this? I think it would be a good time to get it all out in the open, I mean, they are making it offical and it isn't going away anytime soon. Ideally, I would try to all agree on a plan. Like what to do at the wedding, how to handle family gatherings, holidays and bdays. I know its hard, but maybe you can get past this and be "adults" about it. I guess its really up to your husband and how he wants to handle it. It's a tough situation and I don't envy you but if it were me, I would want it all out on the table and get everyone on the same page, even if its to agree to never see each other...fine, then everyone knows. I hope you find something that will work for you guys. Good luck.

I wonder if having a mature conversation with just you two and the BIL and fiance, or maybe just the Brothers, about this might work best. Approach it nicely, from an "it's your day and we want you to have a relaxed time and not worry about "family drama" - what do YOU want?"

This way, it can be dealt with BEFORE it becomes a drama. Good luck!

Yikes, now that is some drama! You seem to be handling it remarkably well. I think its time for your hubby to call up his brother and have a serious talk about how both of them feel about your attendance or non-attendance at the wedding, and also about how you all mutually can handle future family gatherings. You wont be able to avoid those smaller gatherings forever (nor should you), so now that they are getting married its probably time for things to get hashed out if that is possible. Regarding the wedding, if its something that has been discussed between the two of them, in advance, no matter the outcome it will be better for everyone. If they both can agree its best to attend or not attend, no one elses feelings really matter about it, and they both have the benefit of being able to tell others... "hey this is what we agreed upon, I am not angry and you should not be either." Hopefully this will get easier on you as the years go by. Good luck!

If your husband's brother and his fiancee invite you then it would seem to me that they're mature enough to get past everything that happened before. None of that former relationship should matter any more to you or your husband. Forgive and let it go. Stop thinking about this woman as "my husband's ex-girlfriend and first love." He also needs to do this. He has you now, and children with you.

If you think that they would only be inviting you because they're obligated, then you and your husband need to actually sit down with them and clear the air. Get someone to watch the children and sit down with the brother AND his fiancee and have an adult conversation. Just get this all out in the open, get it over with, and begin repairing relationships. It's ridiculous that you would avoid family functions because of something like this.

I think the only considerate way to back out of attendance would be.... OMG, you're going to hate me!.....

(sigh) Meet the couple somewhere for dinner (neutral location & you can leave anytime). Offer them your "Best Wishes" & tell them that you are not attending so that the day is all "theirs". Totally & completely....sell this as "it's only in their best interests"....etc

Stand firm, keep a smile on your face.....& know that you've done your best.

so sorry....& please know that I am NOT trying for one-upmanship: as bad as your situation is....I HATE mine! My parents divorced after 23 years of marriage. Years later, my Dad married my Mom's best friend's sister. Talk about awkward! Mom & her bestie had been together for 35+ years, we even vacationed together & still do. All thru those years, the bestie had always complained about her sister.....well, she wasn't exaggerating! After my Dad died, she turned into the Evil Stepmom from Hell! I am proud to say that my Mom & her best friend have stayed together thru all of this....we just hate when O' Evil One joins the family gatherings. Aaaargh. .....good luck!

Something else to think about that I haven't seen anyone else bring up: the wedding might be hard, the family gatherings might be hard- but if you don't get used to it now- how much harder are they going to be once the couple has children? You will be the aunt and uncle- and if you are still upset with them it could be seen that you are not nice to the kids also. Just a thought. Good Luck with the situation- hope all works out for you!

Yikes, this is a tough one. A big part of me says, if invited, go. I'm a big believer in taking the high road and being gracious. At weddings, there's usually not enough time to talk with everyone at length anyway, so just spend the time with folks you want to do so with. And be gracious with those you see but don't want to be best buds with. In fact, if you find some people you really want to talk with, visit with them the whole time. Being present can put a new face on this whole situation. This can be a new beginning for everyone.

Personally, I would draw the line at not being the "best man" (ew!) or sitting at the head table. There's no rule that says it HAS to be that way. I've always thought weddings get too stuck in tradition at the expense of missing the point of celebrating the joining of two lives. But if they wanted it that way, I might even do it, knowing you're not locked into position, never allowed to leave the head table and visit with others. You'd just have to live with the ribbing people might be compelled to share (or the whispering for the catty ones).

Honestly, it may be fun to reconnect with family and friends. And years down the road, you may have a lot of fun and laughter over the absurd situations you found yourselves in.

I was at a nephew's wedding recently and his wife didn't invite a sibling. I don't know, or really want to know, the circumstances, but years down the road it may not be that big of a thing, and will there be remorse down the road for not attending?

That being said, you know your family situation the best. A family with no sense of boundaries doesn't change overnight. Are you and your husband secure in your relationship? Are you clear with your boundaries? Can you talk candidly about all of this? If so, then I would trust your gut either way on going or not.

If invited and you decide to not go, I would consider talking with the couple in private ahead of time to talk about it. It may be that candor can help to smooth out the "elephant in the room". A conversation could save the four of you a lot of unnecessary awkwardness, at the wedding and in future years with family gatherings, and it might help change your mind...or not. Unless this is a twisted sort of power play, the intention is that they will be married for a long time and all of you might as well learn to deal with it. However, again, you know the people involved better than any of us who are responding.

If it were me, I could imagine such a conversation with some of my husband's family members. And with others, I wouldn't touch that kind of discussion with a 10-foot-pole. You need to know yourselves and your audience before you embark on such a conversation.

Truth be told, time has a tendency to heal. I married someone who I deeply love but we're not the most natural match. We have to work at our relationship, and we DO work at it. I think our relationship is a very healthy one, maybe BECAUSE we need to work at it. We're very different—emotionally, politically, religiously, you name it. And yet, in very important ways, we mesh well together. In fact, I think those losses of love helped us to make our relationship what it is today, for better or worse.

To be honest, part of me married my husband on the rebound. It wasn't as simple as that, though. It was more that I realized his love was always there and would always be there. We dated for five years, didn't for seven, then got together again. In the time we didn't date, there were two guys I would have loved to have married but the feelings weren't mutual. That caused a kind of pain that was hard to get past.

For years, my husband thought I still had feelings for someone else. It took years for him to realize the feelings I had were that of me not feeling lovable. Sure, life might have been easier with someone else, but it didn't happen, did it? I often think God had a grander plan, which brought us back together again. For some of the lessons God put before me, I've learned them well, and for others I still have arguments with God about them. But, after almost twenty years of marriage, I'm pretty sure we're both in it for the long haul. You never know for sure, but that's my gut feeling.

When deciding whether or not to go to this wedding, I would ask myself and my husband the following questions. How long was it between when your husband dated this woman and when your BIL began dating? Is that part of the issue? Does it feel like they have a good relationship that is worth supporting? Is your marriage with your husband secure? Or is it a matter of past pain, issues of lovability, trust, rekindling old fires, etc.? Would this marriage get between you and your husband at all?

My husband told me early on in our marriage that couples always need to protect their marriage, to be conscious of friendships that might get in the way of it. If one gets in the way, the marriage needs to take precedence. That is true of family as well. It was a theoretical boundary that has helped us along the way throughout the years. I think it's a good rule to go by.

So, I guess I've blabbed on long enough. But I hope it gives you something to talk about with your husband, and maybe the couple in question.

I would say go for it and attend the wedding, but you folks are the best ones to decide what you do. Keep us posted on your decision and how it went. If nothing else, you can have fun with your husband and say, "Well, I guess THAT was(n't) worth it." whatever the outcome.

Best of luck!

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."
—Mr. Magorium of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

Your husband needs to sort this out with his brother. He needs to ask him how he wants you to handle the situation. Will he be hurt if you don't go to the wedding? Will he care? What if only your husband goes for the ceremony? Everyone is different. Some people would be so upset if their brother didn't attend -no matter what the situation -and some will find it's no big deal, but he should sort it out with the brother and definitely let the brother understand that it may be weird with her family and everything. Ultimately though -if it's a huge deal to his brother that he or all of your are there, and your husband doesn't want to upset him -you should go. After talking to his brother -you two will just have to decide if his brother says he wants you there.

Time for everyone to move on and get along. What was in the past is done
and over with. You have many years of togetherness so the sooner you all
learn to be together the better off everyone will be.

I think you all need to let it go and learn to get along, like it or not you are all family now, and if he loses his brother over all this pettiness he will regret it later. Who cares if you think their relationship is wrong, it is not you in the relationship. I know a girl who married the father of her sisters baby, it was hard at first, but they all learned to let go of the past and move forward as a family. And if your husband is happily married to you, what does he care what this other woman is doing!! It sounds like maybe he still has feelings for her?

He needs to be there for his brother and forget about his past with his new sister in law.