We have recently found out that my stepson has been on several different kinds of drugs for over two years now. We got him into inpatient treatment, but he got himself kicked out. So now he is back to school and going to outpatient treatment 3 nights a week and then NA meetings two other nights of the week. It wouldn't be a problem taking him if he acted like he cared. He thinks that we are smothering him and not letting him have any free time. Well when he has been lying to us for the past 2 years, you tend not to be trusted. We love him very much and want him to get better so he can finish the last two years of high school and then go onto college... are we "bad" parents because we care??
Thank you so much for everyones responses.... I feel alot better knowing that we are not bad parents. We are in week three of outpatient treatment, we take him 3 nights a week, plus NA another two nights. We see a family counselor on thursday nights, plus my husband and I start seeing a counselor in another week. Since my step son has literally hit rock bottom, the only way is up!!! It's going to be a tough road ahead of us, and we are learning that there could possbily have relapses, but we love him and not going to give up on him!!! Thanks again for listening
Well, if that is being bad parents, then we should all be so blessed as to have such "bad parents" !
You are not bad parents. The reason why he doesn't care is because he's not getting his way. Stand firm.
Was there any hint of anything possibly going on before you found out? How involved were you in his life before? Did you all do things as a family? Did you know all his friends? I'm asking these questions because if you weren't involved, or knew his friends, and let him do whatever he wanted, that is what is making him feel like he's being smothered.
My advice to you is this; please look up this effective parenting course, www.thetotaltransformation.com
I let as many people know about this as I can. Please look this up, it can help you.
You are not bad parents... you care.
ls
Well I think you know you are not bad parents, if you were you wouldnt be trying to help him. He needs guidence. Dont give up on him. But I do think there is such thing as being smothered, I went through it and it never turned out good, just made it worse. He is going to need his space sometimes or he will go crazy, and with all that stress may end up backfiring. Hopefully he will grow out of it, most kids do. I knew some pretty crazy people and they are perfectly fine now.
Of course you aren't bad parents. Now, what to do with a teenager in this situation isn't something I know too much about though. I can't even figure out how to get my almost 3 year old to listen to me! I just wanted to say that I think you are good parents, and yes, some parents might turn their back on him. I don't know your situation, but perhaps letting up a little to show him that he CAN actually earn your trust back will help him somehow? Maybe give him his free time, but in exchange require him to do weekly drug tests or something. I think you can buy home kits now. If he screws up agian send him to one of those bootcamp places, no questions asked, and I don;t think I'd threaten him with it, I think I'd just do it if he breaks your trust again.
First you are not bad parents! Now lets get down to business, have you seen his counselors and are you going to treatment too? You must do this with him not take him-it is a family situation and all involved including siblings, aunts, uncles etc. have to be a part of this. I have read the other suggestions and they are wonderful. The one thing is to involve all of you. There are great programs where you can go seperate and/or together-after all you have different issues to deal with. There are also some good outreach programs where the addict must go away to the wilderness for a time with counselors and people their own age-dealing with their issues. These teach your "son" to be responsible to himmself including saying "no" while they are attending you will be working on how you deal on your end. Make this a family effort and yes you do care however it is never too much. You are the best parents out there- you care!
Deana-
First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this sitation. Let me tell you that first and foremost, NO, you are not bad parents because you care. It sounds like your stepson is upset and mad because you are 'intruding' on his life and not giving him free time because he knows that if he gets it, he will do things that are illegal and wrong. Starting drugs at 14 is very young and it sounds like he is basically getting the help he NEEDS, but not the help he WANTS. In that situation, there is nothing I can offer to you because if he does not want help, how do you force it upon him? That being said, I think you are doing the right thing in having him go to NA meetings and outpatient treatment. A 14, 16 or 18 year old on drugs can in no way, shape or form know what is best for themselves. I do not even necessarily belive a 14 or 16 year old NOT ON DRUGS knows what is best. They are still young, impressionable and learning. Maybe he's acting out because of some other reason (custody, was it a bad divorce, does he get along with your family as well as his mother's, etc?). Maybe he doesn't feel like he belongs anymore (is his mother remarried as his father is?). I would continue to do what you are doing. If he decides when he is 18 that he does not want to live under your roof and have you support him, then he can then make his own decisions. Until then, he HAS to obide by yours, even if he doesn't agree with them. And as far as 'smothering him', i would explain that you would not feel the need to check on him all the time and keep tabs on him if #1: He wasn't doing drugs #2 He didn't lie to you for years and #3: He was truly interested and active in getting sober. Other than that, you can only hold on and brace yourself for the ride!!! Good luck!
D. B and family,
Sounds to me like you are giving him a dose of what he really needs, some structure and Tough LOVE! Keep up the good work, set boundaries with consequences and stick to it!!!! He does need to learn that when trust is broken, HE is going to have to be responsible in earning it back and it is not going to happen overnight. He is only 16 and in YOUR house. It's a relief to hear that another parent out there actually still lives by the "old time" rules that work and not just time out, etc. Kudos to you!!!!!
Take care and God Bless :)
Just curious?? How does one get themselves kicked out of inpatient therapy???? Isn't that what THEY are there for???
WOW! Im am going through sort of the same situation with my 16 year old stepdaughter! She hasn't been on all kinds of drugs though. We have found pot in her room. My husband and I are always made to be the "BAD" parents because she has no freedom! You are doing the right thing! Even of he doesn't appreciate it. My husband and I have to keep telling ourselves that!!! You and your husband be strong and don't let your guard down! If you want to talk more..you can email me! Im always looking for someone in my situation to talk to!!! Good luck!
I don't know many 16 year olds that don't feel like their parents are smothering them, especially not ones that have been getting themselves in trouble. You are doing the right thing. Someday he will thank you for being SOOOOOO mean. Just remember that what you want for him is not necessarily what he wants for himself. You have to find a balance. Graduating is not an option, it is a must but he might not want to think about college right now so don't push it on him. He will get there when he is ready. My brother struggled a lot in HS and then did several different jobs after HS before he started college. He will be graduating this year at 33 with 3 kids that he has to provide for. It is hard and he now realizes his mistakes when he was younger but that was the path that he chose and he is making the best of it. Just keep on loving your son and he will get through this stage as well.
Good Morning D.. Nope your the best kind of parent a child on drugs could ever have. Even if it seems he doesn't Care one day he will thank you from the bottom of his heart. Keep it up and tell him & show him you all love him daily. Tough love it hard on everyone especially for parents.
God Bless your Heart abundantly
K. Nana of 5
You've probably received a lot of information about this, but I would like to recommend Al-Anon to you. It is very frustrating when dealing with addiction, and can be very difficult to cope with. Al-Anon teaches the best ways to cope with and support your family member through addiction. Below is the website. I wish you and your family the best.
I do not think you are bad parents... but I can also see his side a little bit. He does feel a little guilty about lying to you, and I say this only because he is telling you that you smother him, or makes you feel that he thinks that way. Because he is showing that emotion, he feels guilty / bad about lying - you "smothering" is making him think about it more and more and he doesn't like to think about it for that reason (guilt). I think you are probably great parents, but should not tell him every appointment time or constantly remind him of his schedule if you do this. Also, if you snoop in his things, make sure he has no clue. He wants your trust back but has no idea on how to get it. If you ask how his day was, accept any answer. Even though it will be hard because you cannot trust him, by doing this you are giving him a second chance for your trust. You can even tell him "Look, i know bad things have happened, but I want you to know we love you and we will work on trusting you again. I am going to trust you now, so please do not ruin it .. this is your last chance with our trust so take care of it and do good." I have found this works well in any relationship where trust has gone out the window due to lies. Good luck :)
While it is true that addicts need to want to change for themselves, I beleive there is also research that shows kids are different and the exposure to NA or AA at a young age does make a difference. It is hard to face the fact at such a young age that you cannot drink or use again. Our culture is so wrapped up in it. But the fact of the matter is that I don't have the experience as a parent of an addict (yet), and you need the support of someone who does. (I am in recovery, but thankfully I have not had to live that with my children.)
I would STRONGLY suggest Nar-Anon or Al-Anon for you and your husband. You need the experience, strength, and hope of people who have been there. It is hard to make it to the first meeting, but you will be amazed at how others have already lived your problems and how much they understand.
I have taken the liberty of looking up the Nar Anon kansas link for you: http://www.nar-anon.org/kansas.htm
No your not bad parents because you care he is 16 yrs old and for him to be like this so young and started even earlier to act out and drugs whatever it he is doing he needs help he is too young to make decisions for himself look at him seriously look at him ask yourself what you can do to make things work you already show you love him,but what is it from a stepmom you can do differently have you tried one on one time wiith him have you gotten to know him as a person?He is a teenager and you don't want him to grow up and be a criminal drug attack and coming to beg yu for money just because he needs a fix, and can't get off his rump to get a real job and make something of himself.This is a tough job and its not going to be easy for the family but buck down this maybe his last option to get his life together before its to late then what you'll blame yourself and its not your fault(family).Does he know what drugs are doing to him the chemicals they use to make them,heck the one can't recall the name right now but it has acetone ammonia and a human shouldn't even be breathing it in let alone ingesting it.Get him on a good diet let him have some freetime in his own home without distraction and keep tacking him to his appts.Keep up the good work parenting is rough and a huge responsibility
He's probably not ready for the help. Make him get it anyways. It has to sink in for him to undertand. No you're not bad parents, but to him right now you are the enemy. He has an addiction. When people have an addiction that is all they care about. Their mind is wired to need & want that more than anything in their life. Have you and your husband tried attending any NA meetings with or without your son? You need to do this to understand what he is going through & how to better help him. The more understanding you all have of his problem the more sucess he will have with your help. This isn't a no-no you can't touch that it's hot situation & he's not two. This is serious (which you know), but what I'm trying to say is he can know it's wrong & know that you don't approve & it can still over power him. (I've known too many drug/alcohol addicts) It's also a lifestyle change because to get out of drugs you have to make new friends & take harassment from the old ones. Of course he doesn't want you smothering because unless you're sure he's fully recovered or at least on the right track he's wanting a way out to get one more high. Do try to let him socialize in "safe" settings (if there is such a thing) Maybe go to the movies with a friend you're sure isn't into drugs (unfortunately you may have to check up on him to make certain that is what he is doing - just try to do it so he doesn't know). Maybe even try to connect (whih he will HATE), but take him out to dinner without the little ones or you/your husband could go to a movie of his choice (again without the little ones). You have a rough road ahead of you & he has a rough life as this is something that will always linger over him. This is NOT something he can overcome alone, but you also can't be his crutch. Be strong & knowledge is power. Learn everything you can about addiction. He didn't mean to get addicted to the drugs, he just wanted a quick high & it escalated from there. Also, look at your expectatios of him & see if he is capable of living up to them. Not everyone can go to college or be the star track runner, etc. Somrtimes kids turn to drugs as a stress relief. I'm not saying it is his reason, just explore everything! Our thoughts & prayers are with you!
Don't fall for the classic accusations of an addicted person. You are doing this BECAUSE you love him and it is called "tough love". You are setting necessary boundaries that are required for his recovery, and necessary for your family. At this point in the game, to cave to him would show that you didn't care. You have a child who is addicted and this is part of the addicted/manipulative behavior. You must learn now how to deal with him, because it has to happen on a different level. Get yourself into AL-ANON immediately!! This program helps the family recognize manipulative behavior in the addict and helps the family cope with and have a healthy recovery because it takes ALL of you!! Go to as many sessions as you can. It is crucial to HIS recovery!!
The addict mind will ALWAYS put his addiction before you. He will make you feel quilty and like you are terrible people so that he can get high again. I know from experience very well. The addict will do anything, say anything to get high. You are doing what you are doing b/c you are a good parent. I know a lot of kids who would love for their parents to care. He may not show it, and he may appear resentful, but you have to keep on him. You are trying to get him to want a better life for himself. If you give up, then it's like giving up on your child, and the addiction WILL win. Please, please keep trying. I am praying for you.
Not bad parents. Get him into Scott Greening. They are an outpt rehab for kids his age. My dtr went there-she actually went there first then I found out she had a problem. Treatment is more attuned to kids their age and the pressures they are under. Rebuilding trust is hard. He will learn that as a part of his treatment.
You are NOT a bad parent. He has proven he can't be trusted and that he makes bad decisions when left on his own. With him only being 16 no matter what you do he will see you as the "enemy" Don't take it personally. He may me cranky now but after he fully recovers and makes himself a useful productive member of society he will thank you.
His whiney "teenagerness" will probably get worse before it gets better, but you must remain tough. I wouldn't let him have any freedom until he passes drug tests for three months (but that is just me) you may choose a longer or shorter amount of time. He also has to prove that he can be trusted, no lying, no drugs, no nothing that can be considered a bad decision.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
