Anyone Ever Feel Just...Broken?

It wasn't until I was a few years removed from my own family that I really understood the dysfunction.

I'm the black sheep on my side, and my husband feels the same way on his. Somehow, we were two lost souls who found each other. But, each day is a struggle.

I, too, feel broke. I thought going through my own personal experiences with cancer after my daughter's birth would mend friendships, but it only opened my eyes wider, and I often struggle internally in a post-cancer world.

Yes, you are not alone! There are many of us out there desperately seeking a feeling of acceptance and belonging.

Assuming you are not suffering from depression or something, I will just talk about the circumstances.

Everything in life depends on the way you view it. You can look at your upbringing as unique and interesting, or you can dwell on its dysfunctionality.

The truth is, when I talk to people, I find almost NO one who had a "normal," Beaver Cleaver type upbringing. (Am I dating myself with the Beaver Cleaver reference?) Most people have some kind of horror story, and at my age I've talked to many people.

I wouldn't raise my kids the way I was raised: parents divorced by 5, brother died at 5, moving constantly, mother not involved with her kids but with many boyfriends, some were other people's husbands, mother very critical, sent me to live with dad in 10th grade, 3 different schools in 10th grade; currently my brother is an alcoholic, my mother's a messed up nasty woman, my father died years ago, I don't have much contact with other extended family, blah blah blah. If I wanted, I could focus on everything bad about my childhood, or I could focus on the good parts - I got to live on an island, I got to live in Mexico, I learned to be flexible and easygoing.

Talk to more people about their childhoods, I think you will find you are not as different as you think. I bet your family situation and childhood has taught you a lot about how to parent your own child. Hey look, you were able to create a "normal" son! You are not a sham, you're just another person with your own unique set of circumstances.

Oh, and read The Glass Castle, if you haven't already.

I feel this way about my child and my home. I got pregnant at 19 while in college. Worked and raised him through college, got my masters in nursing and work full time nights now. He is this amazing kid. He's 7 now. He has his issues but he has a great personality, loving and wants to give the world all he can. I have a little house on a little plot of land in a wonderful neighborhood with great neighbors. Often times I sit here and go "How am I here? What makes me so deserving of all of this when there are married couples out there that try so hard for a baby on their own, that would complete their family and I have mine." And yet, I feel so alone all at the same time. So like I don't belong and this really isn't my life. One day I'm goin to wake up, be someone else, somewhere else.
God gives each of us blessings in different ways. We each react to a situation on our own and do the best we can with what is given. That's all you can do! Take time to take care of you!

Yep.. I used to think I was the only one with a strange family and then I began to realize we all have crazies and nutty histories, we just do not all concentrate on it..

You sound a bit lonely and depressed. this is not unusual for most moms. We give and give all of the time. We want to give and love it, but we still need to also remember to refuel our souls and spirits.

You sound like a woman who is very intelligent, very independent, a great mom with a healthy and bright child. A husband that loves you for who you are. You are living a great life.

You became this woman BECAUSE of your history. It is all a part of what makes you unique. You have learned what not to do with a life, you are a survivor. You now lead the way for your own family. You deserve to be happy.

At one point I realized I needed to purge a lot of junk from my life. I also lived by such a strict list of expectations fro myself, that I sometimes, was missing out on life. I went for therapy and just talked it out and made sure I was on a good path for myself.. It helped a lot. I also ended up suffering a physical problem and ended up with depression and so I was on medication.. It made a world of difference. I thrive on the energy of positive people. I seek them out and love spending time with others who are also positive.. We all have wild childhoods and unusual relatives.. but we just embrace it and know it is just life and we cannot change anyone but we can change the way we look and react to it..

Give your son and husband a big hug and then seek some help if you are feeling a little lost. I will be thinking of you today..

Yes, I hear you. My family is rather similar. I am married to a wonderful guy (whose family has their own issues!). I never hid anything from him, but he is still discovering things about me that surprise him. Those things haven't scared him away, though, thank goodness!

I mostly feel that way about my job, though. Why am I so lucky/blessed to have a great job, with great co-workers, and good benefits, when there are many others who are better qualified? Why did they choose me? I think the key word that I am looking for (and maybe you are, too), is "unworthy". I feel unworthy of all the blessings I've received.

If you think about it, though, every single one of us is unworthy of every single blessing we've received. The blessings are given because of grace. And grace is something I can live with. So when I get down in the dumps, as it sounds you do sometimes, I think about grace. And then I'm just thankful for that grace. There is nothing I can do to repay it. So I don't even try. I just revel in the fact that it exists.

Hello,

Have you ever read, Parenting from the Inside Out? I highly recommend it as you might find it helpful.

You've got some wonderful responses here but I want to encourage you to talk to a therapist. I think if you can find someone you feel comfortable with, you'll be able to explore your feelings on a much deeper level...and it sounds to me like you have many thoughts about your upbringing and how it has impacted your life today, who you are on a very internal level, who you want to be, etc etc. As your little one grows and develops, different feelings will surface and it's probably a good idea to have someone you trust who you can have meaningful conversations with about all these things as you continue your journey of motherhood.

Wishing you strength and inner peace...allow yourself a healing process.

I can sort of relate. I grew up in an alcoholic parent home, sibllings with serious addiction issues, from divorce when it was "unusual", scraping by.
I think lots of people from dysfunctional, sick families, think that they are somehow unworthy of good. Not good enough for a "normal" life. They feel survivor's guilt for NOT having the issues that other family members have. You have made your choices and been dealt your lot and so has everyone else.
If there has O. thing I have learned--you deserve goodness and kindness and success as much as any other person on the planet.
And O.'s childhood or background never defines who you are now.
Sending hugs your way. You ARE good enough and you DO deserve happiness.

I can't relate to that exactly, but I think it's really important for you to read what you just wrote! You have overcome some pretty steep odds, and seem to be making a life for yourself and your family. You overcame what seems to be tough challenges and made it out. On top of that, you made it out successfully! You should be proud, there are not many people who have the courage to be able to say they did their best with what they were given. You have earned your place in the world, and deserve to hold your head up and say "YAY ME!!" :)
Now, if you are having some trouble, draw from that same courage and go talk to someone in a professional setting. If you feel like you don't deserve what you have, you need an objective party to help you overcome that. It seems as though you could use some support, and YOU DESERVE IT!! If you don't want to go the counselor route, talk to a priest or your doctor about it. Use whatever resources are available to you and help yourself feel better. Good luck to you, and keep looking at your little guy and your hubby, and each time remind yourself how great you are!

Hi there, Just wanted you to know that we all come from disfunctional families, some families just hide it better, lol. You deserve everything you havem you earned it the hard way. Please don't beat yourself up regarding your childhood that you could not control. Go forward knowing you will protect your new family and not allow them to witness the horrors you had to. You nay need to talk to a professional to help you sort out your feelings.

I feel that way all the time. I came from a less than desirable family life. I was raised being ashamed most of the time and embarrased about how poor we were. I "raised" my little sister and my mom. My mom was on drugs for a long time. she has been clean for 15 years now, but I find that I still take care of her. My mom recently came to live with me now. My dad was a wonderful man, not a lot of money in the world and had struggles with alcohol, but a wonderful man. He passed away at the age of 48, almost 4 years ago. He was my calm, normal family member. He was my comfort in all the craziness. I miss him terribly!!!
I put myself through school, got my college degree and I am an Accountant now and make a very nice living. I fell in love with a boy my senior year of high school and we dated all through college. I was afraid to get married during college thinking that if we did I wouldn't finish. We are now married, we have 2 amazing children and we just bought our second house (first one is now a rental). I can't believe my life. There isn't a single one of my mother's family that wasn't divorced at least once, my brother is now getting divorced...I am scared everyday that it will all be taken away.
The only thing that is stronger in my life than the fear that I don't deserve all of this, is reminding myself that wether or not I deserve it, I am blessed with it and I am grateful! Maybe throse rough childhoods that we went through were on purpose, to get us where we are, so that when we got here we could appriciate it so much more!
You are not alone. There are plenty of us out there like you. Just remind yourself every single day of how blessed you are and enjoy it!!!

S.S.,

I don't have an experience like you, but I know for a fact you are not alone. And many of us, even if we did not have the struggle you had so young, in our hearts just don't feel good enough. This may sound hokey, but I believe it's all about accepting yourself and coming to know that you absolutely ARE good enough.

I have a book to recommend. It's a little bit of a workbook, but don't let that daunt you. You can do it any way you like. Allow yourself that! Take a peek and see if it is something that would interest you. That's the main thrust of what I learned with this book. I'M GOOD ENOUGH!

You, dear, have overcome so much! Nothing is perfect, yet all is perfect just as it is.

Here is the book: Soul Coaching by Denise Linn

You ARE normal S.S. You just have a different life experience. That's really and truly okay.

:)

Hi S. S.Things from our childhoods creep up on us at times and it's usually where we are the most vulnerable, I have issues from my childhood, that affects me in my life at times and I'm 53, but what i did sweetie, and maybe this will work for you, was when i got married 29 years ago and started my family almost 27 years ago, I decided to fix everything that was wrong in my childhood and my parents relationship, with my family, for example as a wife, I treat my husband totally the opposite of the way my mom treated my dad, I have the relationship with my sons and my daughter that I never had with mine, the rules are different, the life style is different, I am basically healed through my family from all the things that were wrong when I was growing up. It still tries to creep in every now and then, but I can put it in perspective and leave it where it needs to be. My mom died in 2004 and usually on her birthday or mothers day, I feel a little sad, well this year i didn't, Sunday the 29 would have been my mom's 82nd birthday and I did not even realize it till posting this respond to you. You are not messed up, see you were a child then with very if not any control in how things were going to be, but now you are grown, and although you may have some scars from childhood, they don;t have to control you, or even play apart any more, because you make the rules now, you decide on the home life you will give to your wonderful husband and your perfect son. S S you are normal, normal is different for different people, my childhood was weird and abnormal compared to all of my childhood friends, so i made sure my home was the cool house the one where all my kids friends wanted to hang out. You chose for your family, and don't compare yourself to others that make you feel abnormal, you have a husband and little boy who adore you, that's normal and that's success. J.

EDITED - Kristy G nailed it. Her response is so true and spoke volumes to me.

Ok, so for my situation, it's not apples to apples, but just wanted to share.

I had a "typical" childhood. Parents had a reasonably good relationship, and I was loved. Nothing exceptional.

But I spent most of my adult life in a completely dysfunctional relationship (like 15 years.) And much like Dana said, I didn't realize until I was distanced from that relationship, and in another, the full extent of the damage it did to me. Actually, I'm just in the process of realizing the extent of the damage. While I was in it, I thought I was really strong, unmoved and unwavering in my beliefs and feelings about things, unaffected, basically, from the depravity and dysfunction. Now, as I embark on a life outside of all that, I have begun seeing all the ways I think and behave based on those past experiences, instead of on the life I now have. I see the way the person I thought I was has changed. And there are definitely days when I feel like those changes were pieces of me that were chipped away, maybe lost forever. So yes, I sometimes, too, feel broken.

But I also know that my choices are just that, choices. And I CAN choose how to think, what to believe, how to act. And although I may be different than I was, kind of broken, if you will, I also know in my heart that there's a lot of me left that's worth salvaging.

Sending some hugs your way.

Why do you think you're not normal? Because you had an odd childhood, "abnormal" parents? What does that mean? You didnt give any examples of things about YOU that would make you "abnormal".
As another poster said, we've all had our share of unpleasant things in our life, due to circumstances out of our control. That doesnt make you who you are, YOU do. So your childhood was messed up, dont let that dictate your life. You're married, with a child, and have an MBA? Thats pretty great in my opinion. Your parents and sisters' disabilities have nothing to do with you anymore. You are an adult, sounds like a sucessful one at that. Let it go. If you need to seek help to get past it, then do so. There's nothing wrong with fighting demons, as long as you fight them and dont let it be your reason for everything bad in your life. You are in control.
I understand fighting your past. My moms been married multiple times, second time to an emotionally physically abusive alcoholic. For 11 years. He was cruel and mean, and it shaped my life for a long time, but finally I said "screw him" you arent controlling me anymore!! I actually will be cordial to that man when I see him, because to me yelling or telling him off, lets him win. Good luck!

My childhood wasn't as crazy as yours but it wasn't "normal" either. For quite some time I felt like you do, sad & broken. What we have to keep reminding ourselves EVERY DAY is that we took a messed up situation and made the very best of it. We came out the other end "fixed" and now are flourishing in life. The past is called the past because we made it PAST it. I know that the scars of childhood run very deep, believe I know, however we must remember to be thankful for all that we have done for ourselves and be proud of who we are and what we have become. You are a good person, a good wife & mother. Just because we came from craziness does nto mean that we too must be crazy. I have gone to counseling thru the years multiple times. It is always good to be able to vent your frustrations, sadness and needs to someone who can give you an unbiased opionion. Please take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and remember that you have come a long way because you set your mind to it and never gave up. Never give up on yourself!! XOXO

Our family and experiences help shape who we are but they DO NOT DEFINE us. Your accomplishments and your actions define who you are. You seem as though you have done great for yourself; you have the love and support of your family. There is such a stigma attached to therapy but if you are still feeling like this a few days later or even if you feel like this "sometimes" I would try to get into seeing someone. The thing about therapists is they offer an unbiased yet professional opinion. Good luck, everyone is worthy of love and success, you are no exception.