Anyone Else in a Messy Divorce & Have Children Involved?

Well, I haven't been divorced but I am a child of divorced parents! My parents divorced when I was in college. I don't have too much advice for you except this: as hard as it may be try not to talk to the girls negatively about their dad, or let them hear you talking to others negatively about him. I know it will be hard with him acting so selfishly and immaturely. But let them form their own opinions of their dad and why the family was broken apart. And it will be hard when he hurts them and you're left to pick up the pieces. But just offer your girls your love and a listening ear. And make sure they both have someone to talk to on the outside, maybe a counselor at school or church (it may even be free!) This will allow them to sort through their feelings with a neutral source and get advice for coping and moving on.
Good luck and God bless you!

Congratulations to you for getting rid of the jerk. I have not been divorced, but I have a friend who is going through a horrible divorce and I am a product of a "nice" divorce. I'm going to email this page to my friend Aimee, maybe she will respond to you and you guys can help each other out.
As far as your girls are concerned all I can say is show them a lot of love to try to make up for what they're missing from their father and do your best not to bad mouth him in front of them. My mother never said a bad thing about my dad to either me or my sister. My grandmother and step dad hated my dad, but they never said a bad thing about him either. When my sister and I grew up and decided we didn't like him, it was all on our own.
You said that your youngest doesn't want to see her dad anymore and there is a court order that she has to see him. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do right now. Make sure you talk to your lawyer about that. Maybe the judge can talk to her and you can get your visitation order amended. Until then (or if that doesn't happen) explain it to her. Tell her that the courts say she has to go and it's only for a short time. It's a good opportunity to explain to her that sometimes we have to do things we don't like.
This situation sucks. I've bene through the whole dad not showing up thing. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do. But on the bright side, maybe one day he will wake up and realize what a tool he has been. My dad did. It took him 20-some years to do it, but it happened. Now we talk on a regular basis and he's been there for me when I needed him. Some people just take longer to grow up than others.
All your girls need is a lot of love. If they get that from you, they will be just fine. My sister and I turned out great and so will your girls! Good luck!

Both my roommate and I are going through similar battles. However, I have to say your's are very extreme in comparison. 7 months ago, I left an overbearing and horribly controlling marriage. Around the same time my roommate's husband left her citing 'just not interested anymore'. We both have young children and have leaned on each other through this time. I wish I had some legal advice for you. Or something that would really get his attention. But I can lend an ear. I really feel your pain and the heartbreak this must be causing your kids. Let me know if you just ever want to talk. A.

I don't personally know how you feel but I do know of a program that can help you and your kids. I was a Broken Promise leader at Westside Christian Church in Springfield, IL for 8 years. The program works with kids and parents to help them heal after a divorce. I worked with the kids and it teaches them the natural grief process we go through when we have anything bad happen to us. It is a 14 week program and it really helps. The kids come away knowing that there is nothing they did to cause the divorce and positive ways to deal with anger. It also helps because they have a safe place to talk without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. The leaders are kind caring people who volunteer thier time for training and being there every week.
I have seen the good this program can do and I hope it can help you too.

I am going thru a divorce right now even thou its not messy like yours. to help the girls tell them its not their fault and it has nothing to do with them and never talk down on dad no matter what in ear shot of the kids i have 3 kids 17 and 8 are girls and the 13 yr old is a boy. talk to your soon to be ex thru lawyers and if you have to you can go to if you are in this county wyandotte mental health to talk to a counsler for your girls then they can tell the counsler why they don't want to go to dads and then the courts will look at that. but first and formost tell the girls its not their fault that you and daddy are divorcing and try not in front of them talk bad about him that makes them hate him more than they already do and then they will grow up and resent you for it later in life and try to explain it to your 8 yr old that she has to go see daddy no matter what and its ok not to want to go never forcer her but try to convince her it will be ok and if he neglects them then go to your lawyer and deal that way but don't look for it let the kids come to you and try to get the 17 yr old to go with her sister to make it easier for the 8 yr old i know its hard to do. but you will get thur it really

I am not going through a divorce right now but did 4 years ago.......man I can not believe it has been that long. My husband was somewhat the same way always wanted to be out at the bar or at his buddies house and not home with me and the kids and I got sick of it as well.

Here is advice from someone who has been through this and survived:
First, the money issues. I totally agree with you that other things should be taken into account when figuring child support, but they are not and that is the way it is and we just pretty much have to deal with it. When we got divorced I was in the same boat, 650.00 house payment and 425.00 car payment. I had to sell the house and rent a duplex (was it what I wanted, no....it did not have central heat and air and there was no shower , just a tub and there was not a dishwasher) but it was what I could afford and we dealt with it. I got rid of the Yukon and got a Ford Focus, much lower payments and much cheaper on the gas, again was it what I wanted no, and three kids in there was pretty tight but we did it. My personal advice is that I waited too long to cut down my bills and do these things and got far behind and damaged my credit. Make some changes now!

As far as him seeing the kids, I know all to well how that is also. Since your oldest is 17 maybe you could talk her into going to the visits for the sake of your youngest so she does not feel so alone. Just tell them that is what the judge orders and he is in charge of the way things go. I have learned that I can not be upset or worry about the fact that their dad is not around. It is not my job to cover or make excuses for him either. Why doesn't daddy come to my games, scout stuff, school performances, birthday, etc? I now tell them they need to ask their dad and of course he lies to them. Over the years my children have caught on to him, and when they are older they will have him all figured out without having to say a word or bad mouth him, kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Your kids will do the same.

I finally decided to go on with my life not worry about him seeing them or attending their functions, do what I know is right for my children and be there for them and they will remember that.

If you would like to talk more I would be glad to help you through this or give you any advice or talk more about what happened to me please shoot me a message!

Good Luck, S.

Bless you T., As I was reading your story pictures of myself flashed in my mind. I have been divorced for 5 years. At the time also married for 17 yrs.I am 44 years old and a mother of two boys currently 21 and 18. One thing I made sure NEVER happened is letting the children hear me say anything negative about their father. My goal was to let them make up their own minds about him with any interference from me. And they eventually saw him for what he is. And yes my ex-husband thought I "brainwashed" them, but he did this alone with any help whatsoever. Your 18 year old is mature enough to make her own decision if she is comfortable in seeing her father. Even the 8 year old for that matter. I believe children these days as more mature than what we give them credit. One thing that helped me through my VERY messy divorce is prayer and being with the women of my church for support.I have to find something which was and still is music as my thearpy, something to cheer me up and keep me moving. My children were the number one inspiration. Family were no help so I had to wing it on my own in varies ways. If you would like to talk please feel free to email me and I can give you my phone number to talk, vent whatever you like.

God bless you, and I will keep you in my prayers!!

PS...Even during times where he may make promises to them and don't follow through, please don't let your true feelings be known to them. Its not far, and not there fault. And the situation at hand, an adult situation should never be put on children. Please keep this in mind.

Much Love,
M.

Hi T.,
It sounds like your whole family has been through alot. I have never been through a divorce, but have had friends who have been through it and have helped them through it. The best advice I can give you is probably one you don't want to hear - love your ex. You don't have to love him as a husband anymore, but you can love him as the father of your 2 kids. It will be the most challenging thing you have ever done, but it will be the best thing you can do for your family. I know he may have done wrong to you and your girls, but at this stage what you all need is resolution and you can't get that by resenting and hating him. He has made his choices and mistakes with the affair and neglecting your family in the past. But don't allow him to carry it into the future and affect your girls. Allow him to be a father because that is what the girls need. When he does something wrong or makes a mistake, don't scold him or speak ill of him to your girls. They are a reflection of their father. When you talk bad about him, you are talking bad about them too. If you can learn to let go of the resentment you have against him, it will do wonders for you and your entire family. I promise you. I have seen it happen with 4 of my friends. Once they stopped "hating" each other and just learned to get along for the sake of the children, everything changed for the better. Also, remember that you and your ex once loved each other dearly and that you both did get married for a reason and gave each other two wonderful children. That is something to be thankful for. I would also recommend that you start a "Blessings" journal to get you through this tough time. Every evening before you go to bed, write about 3 things you were thankful for that day. Sometimes when we are going through hard times, it is hard to see our blessings.

Do you mind if I ask who are the lawyers involved?

Hi T.,
I'm not in a messy divorce, but I have been divorced in the past and my parents divorced when I was 16. By the time that my parents divorced I had alreay entered my "rebel" phase, and when my dad moved out I didn't see him or speak to him for an entire year. And that was perfectly fine with us, I knew my Mom was better off without him in her life. I have two younger sisters, one of which was 6 yrs old at the time. She has no recollection of any "bad times" at our house before the divorce, which is probably a good thing because she has an awesome relationship with my dad now. One thing my Mom tried very hard to do was keep my parents business private from the children. Obviously we still had "Jerry Springer" moments (ha)and I knew what was going on but for the most part she tried to instill the fact before my Dad became a turd they were in love and had a good relationship. She tried not to emphasize reasons why she wasn't with him anymore, but rather for us she tried to help us adjust to the new situation, no matter how much she hated the fact she was in it too.
Now a days I talk to my Dad a few times a year and that seems to be a fine relationship for us, it works.
Anyway, divorce is never easy. I went through a divorce myself a few years ago after a seven year marriage. Luckily we didn't have any children. Hang in there, and once things are final, you can work on your new life and eventually everything will feel good again. :o)

I am not going through this but I am a product of this. My dad left my mom with a house payment and 3 kids in private school with no job, he just disappeared on my birthday one year and emptied all the bank accounts. The whole situation does suck and I know that first hand, but I just wanted to let you know that we made it through ok. My brother talks to my dad weekly, my sister every few months and I hear from him maybe once a year if I am lucky. Your kids will be mad at first but they will get used to it and then, eventually, they will make their own decision about what kind of person he really is. The only thing I ask is PLEASE try to hide your feelings about him. That was the worst thing about the divorce of my parents, my mom NEVER said anything bad about our dad but every time he would come up you could almost see the disgust on her face. You will get over this bump and it will be better than before....our family is.