Anyone Else Having Hubby Issues?

Ok I have the same problem as you both do. My husband comes home and sits either watching TV or on the computer and doesn't feel he needs to help around the house (or is just to lazy). I have 3 kids and I do it all. Dr's appts, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning. My house is so cluttered and I pick up 20 times a day but I am the only one who does. He does play around with the kids sometimes and has always helped with diapers and bottles and even bath time but even that was a stretch for him. He doesn't do anything even taking out the trash. So any advice you get would be great to hear!

I had almost the same problem with my husband. It got to the point where I had to plop my son on his lap and leave the room for him to get the idea that maybe I needed help. He soon after got the hint. Good luck.

Aren't they all like that? I find that I'm much happier now that I don't have anyone else to expect anything from.

hey now ladies we are not all like that. i am single father of 3. oldest 26 mos. and youngest 16 mos.(twins at that). mothers can be the same way. hence the single father of 3. anyhow we are not all bad. i work a 50 hour week take care of kids and never get a break. i can relate to both sides. same time both sides are tired. both sides want a break. both sides will push to breaking point.(who is gonna do what?) Talk to each other and tell each other what you both need. find someone to watch your kids for a night so you both can be together and talk about what you BOTH need. Refrain from sex if possible. Or at least until yo talk about it. Neither side really wants to hear that there are any problems because to a point hearing that there are problems in a relationship means 2 people have to fix them in order for it to work. and BOTH sides are tired, BOTH sides want a break, And BOTH sides are go0nna see who is goning to move first. MOve together and everything should turn out just fine.

hi, M.. i am not going to claim that i have the answer. i still sometimes have the problem. i have been married 3 years and have a 13 month old son. the problem started when we came home from the hospital. i was breastfeeding so i htink my husband felt as if there was nothing that he could do to help. the baby only wanted me so what was a daddy to do. when i went to formula at 6 months i thought things would change since daddy could help in the night and he could do some weekend feedings. well, no. it amazed me when my son started to walk @ 9 1/2 months how involved my husband became. the first thing that he does when he gets home from work is play with the baby and even gets annyoed when i tellhim that dinner is ready. i cannot tell you when the last time we watched an actual tv program (football excluded!!!!!). i look back on it now and realize that my husband had no idea what to do with this little "lifeless thing" that only ate, slept, and pooped (of course our son was active but just not in the way that daddy thought he should be.
this is my experience. maybe if you can just hang on a bit longer you won't be able to get mommy time with the baby.
good luck!!!!

I have three boys, fo which the youngest is 6. It does get better. It is new to them and their view right now is "it's your job", but don't let him get away with it. Keep reminding him that he helped make her and he needs to take more responsibility. Don't be a nag..that just makes them mad!!!1

My daughter is 14 months old and I had a similar problem for a short time after her birth. Basically I told him he could stop being afraid of her and help or he could take his butt home to his Mommy and Daddy. I love my daughter but if I was going to take care of her alone I was going to do it alone. He got my drift and helped with some things in the evenings when he was home even it was cleaning something so I could care for the baby. Then to my surprise he took over completely when she was 7 months old due to me being in a car accident and having a broken elbow. He far surpassed my expectations but now he has slacked off a bit bc I never went back to work after the accident which hasn't been an issue for me. I don't care if he feeds or changes her... I stay at home and I consider than my job... but he knows that he needs to bond and play with her. She adores her Daddy and if I hadn't put my foot down early I don't think he would have taken the initiative to bond with her. And he definately would not have been capable of jumpin gin after my car accident had I not forced him to grow up and take responsibility for OUR daughter. I am now 8 months pregnant with our son and he has already been talking about splitting the feeding schedule with me so I won't be sooo exhausted. If you don't talk to him now you may not get through to him. Just point out that she is just as much his child as yours. He may not have carried her for 9 months or given birth but that is all the more reason he should help you now that he can. Changing diapers, feeding (if you are bfeeding pump bottles for him), bathing and loving his daughter are things he needs to do to bond with his baby. If e doesn't do them he will regret it later in life so encourage him to get involved NOW. Schedule it if you must. Good Luck!

I have been married for nearly 19 years, have 4 children: 17 years, 15 years, 9 years and 2 years. My husband has no problem helping with the kids (even when in diapers...youngest still is :-( ...BUT he has a huge problem with helping around the house. When my boys were small we were both in the Air Force. So I had 2 full time jobs...my paying job and my non-paying (which actually was..and still is..several jobs combined)wife/mom job. I thought that when I got out of the Air Force that it would be easier to keep up with housework...WRONG!! And since I'm a "stay at home" mom he thinks that I have to do it all. Believe me, it gets worse when you add more children...and then worse if it isn't nipped in the bud before they are old enough to emulate Dad. That's where my older ones, esp the boys, are now. They see Dad playing games, watching TV, etc (no beer, thank God) and not lifting a finger to help me and can't figure out why I ask them to help. I get no help from any of the older 3 unless I start hollering and having my own little (big?) temper tantrum. Do yourself a favor and try to get the situation resolved before you are where I am. No amount of pleading or nagging (yes, I resort to that on occasion) will make him see that I CAN'T do it all. Especially with a very active 2 year old who seems to need my constant attention. My daughter (9) will sometimes help without too much fuss, but I still have to ask or tell her to do something before she sees that it needs to be done and I'm too busy for it. I am considering taking the advise of a previous poster and going away for a weekend...maybe a whole week if I can get away with it...and leaving him here to deal with the mess. Maybe then he'll see what I deal with on a daily basis.

Take a weekend away with your friends or at least one day and night and leave him with the house and baby. Then he will appreciate what you do maybe! And, at least you will relax. Good luck.

After several heart to hearts with my husband, now he helps out much more. I suggest you doing the same. I think men are just wired different and my husband's comment was "my dad didn't do all that stuff" Well.........times have changed, thank goodness!!! He really just "didn't get it" but after talking it out, he's much better. You better speak up now, it will only get worse.....your resentment that is. Simply explain that that little girl is BOTH of yours and it will only benefit her to have a happily involved dad and he'll have fun too!

Sounds so familiar. I had the same problem with my first baby and just sucked it up. Then after baby number two we had several heart to hearts before the issue was resolved. Some days I feel like it still isn't resolved. It is a continuous process. You have to communicate with your husband constantly about what you need from him. Men don't always notice the obvious things that need to be done. You will wear yourself out and develop resentment towards him if you try to do everything yourself. So, talk to him ASAP.
Good Luck.

I can't say that I'm having "issues" but I will say that the baby has definatly magnified every area that our relationship was weak. I know my husband, although a fantastic and loving daddy, had a tough time the first few months (as did I). I think part of it is, we (moms) have had 9 months to get to know this little human and for me, breast feeding made the bond strong and to be fair stronger than I think my husband was able to experience. However, I will encourage you that when my little guy started smiling and being able to interact more (around 3-4 months) the situation improved. Also, I'd say that we have had to have several heart-to-hearts because I think lots of people think that it's basically a "mom's job" to raise a child until they're nearing kindergarten. I take issue with that notion. Bonding starts from birth! The other thing is that your husband might be feeling a little neglected. Now I'm not saying that's your fault, please don't think that, but it's a drastic change of lifestyle that he might be subconsciously rebelling against. My advice: talk to him about what you both expect. One thing that I hated was cleaning bottles. Finally after talking, my husband was like, oh okay I'll clean them. Little things like that are frusterating to us, but men generally don't take hints until they are made explicit. Hope that helps somehow.

Hi M.,

My husband was like that when the kids were little. He's gotten much better as they've gotten older. (They're 6 and 4 1/2 now.) A lot of men don't know much about babies and just don't get it. You have to teach them or put up with doing it all yourself.

Good luck!!

Hi M.,

Girl, I would not put up with that for a second. I would not argue about it or that would make him bitter and not want to help even more. But, I would give him a list of things he is responsible for. Today you are gonna do this and this. We both made this child, and we cannot be children anymore. Our life is not our own anymore...neither of us can do what we want when we want.

I am a working mother so my husband and I take turns doing everything. My son doesn't nurse much, but I pump his breastmilk out. While I'm doing this, my husband has full child duties. We take turns putting him down at night, feeding him, dressing him, getting his bottles ready...you name it. And he takes him to and from daycare every morning and evening.

You need to have a big talk with him! You should not be doing everything. Parenthood is a joint thing. I would not back down on this. THIS IS NOT THE WAY MEN ARE SUPPOSE TO BE. Don't believe this for one second. There are so many men capable and willing to help with caring for the babies, and yours should not be any different.

If he loves you and your child, he will help. Don't let him be a baby. You guys have one now!!!

Hi M., I used to have this issue with my husband we have 3 children. I love him dearly i know he works and i own my own business, but gosh man help out. Thats how i felt, COMMUNICATION is the best, even if it causes a fight. Trust me at least it will be out there. I have been with my husband for 9 years. Ups and Downs all over but seriously communicate with him how you feel. If you can not do it face to face write a letter to him explaining your feelings. Your feelings count to. If your doing this all yourself you could fall into a deep depression stage being your first child to, dont let it. get it off of your chest. you will feel better.

I am not married... but my live-in boyfriend is and has been doing the same thing. Our daughter is 8 months old, some days are better than others, but I know exactly where you are coming from. I have a problem more with the fact that he pays more attention to his step-son from his first wife than his time infront of the TV or drinking the 12 pack. I would love a support system to help me deal with this as well. If you find that you need to talk to someone or just vent, I am totally here for you.

Oh I would love to get some advise on this too!
My hubby is either on the computer, playstation, or doesn't bother to even come home till he can barely walk and everyone has gone to bed. The way he sees it "he makes the money" so "he doesn't have to do anything"....
He doesn't help with the housework at all. He hasn't touched the lawn mower in years, he doesn't work on our vehicles, and worst of all he doesn't spend any time with the kids... (well 90% of the time anyway)... My son is a teenager and really needs his dad right now... My daughter is still really small and she doesn't know what is going on yet...
Anyone got any good advise for me?

You no im going through the same thing but my so is 2 and im pregnant with another son but my husband works out of town so i do everything but when hes home all i ask of him is to spend time with allen our son and sometimes he dont even want to do that but my advice is make him be involved or you child will be the one hurting in the long run she need that father daughter relationship

Are we married to the same person :)

Ingrid's response is hilarious!!

In my house we have specific jobs that each are responsible for- maybe it'll work for yours. I do the laundry- he does the dishes. If one of us gives our daughter a bath...normally, the other will put her down for the night. If I get up one early morning with her- he gets up the next...even if I have to kick him out of bed to have him do it.

There is no doubt that women do more than men...it's what we do, but you need to just tell him- "can you do the dishes while I give her a bath...or can you vaccuum the living room while I fold the clothes...they're not programmed to just do things.

Try not to take offense to him spending more time with his step-son. Unfortunately, it sounds like they just have a lot in common with one another (video games, computer..)Don't worry she'll catch up soon and probably out grow them before him too!

Like all others mothers that have responded, I too had the same problem with my husband. My daughter will be four soon, and we to this day still struggle with this issue. He wasn't involved at all when she was little. When I would ask for help, he would only halfway do the job and hand her back to me when I would offer suggestions or tell him the things I found to work best with our daughter based on her preferences. Now, he says that it is all my fault for being too controling and not allowing him to do things for her. I don't deny that I had "control" issues, but that wasn't 100% of the problem. What I would have done differently is just left him with her, regardless of what he did or didn't do for her, knowing that ultimately, she would be okay (not to my standards, but OKAY). Men/husbands do not do anything unless they have to. If you are there, they do not have to. If you leave and are gone long enough, eventually he will have to take care of her. Over time, he will find his own way of caretaking and she will adjust to Daddy's ways. Don't burn yourself out like I did, take time for yourself. My daughter doesn't want Daddy to do anything for her now b/c only Mommy does it right. Sometimes in life, I can't do it, and he needs to, but she gets too fussy about it. I agree with the other women, don't nag or fuss about what you need from him, just leave, tell him you have an appointment or something, he will figure it out. Good luck to you!

Had those issues when we had our first child, now with the 2nd daddy is having to help out a lot more. I am not superwoman and I can't do it all. I think he's finally realizing that now, now that he has nighly child duties. He normally bathes the older child while I take care of the baby who is 4 months old.

Sad to say but you are not the only one. I am a 23-year-old mother of 2 and my husband is the same way....minus the beer. He is addicted ( I swear) To technology. Now, I am a stay at home mom and my husband works to provide for us. I don't mind that if my husband chooses to play a video game for an hour because he wants to do it.....thats fine. But He can be off for like 3 days.....and in that 3 days time, he will play his video game( Guitar Hero 3) for like 5 to 6 hours at a time. He will not help me around the house.......when I ask for help it's like I am asking the world of him. If I ask him to change our son, I usually get a "In a minute"----Which usually lasts like an hour.....or He'll get mad and say...."Why can't YOU do it!?!" .......I'm also at my wits end. I've kind of got it in my head now though that he's not going to change-----His mom and Dad spoiled him so bad growing up he thinks can do what ever he wants because he makes the money. Good luck to you. I hope you can stay strong!!

Dear M.!

Hi! Alright here is the disclaimer: I am not an expert! But my hunny used to spend A LOT OF TIME playing World of Warcraft and girl let me tell you...it used to drive me nuts.

See the problem with this issue is that when ppl play video games ...they almost shut themselves from reality and playing for hours and hours is a way for them to 'get' away. ~Nagging~ to him will NOT make it go away. He will simply keep playing and keep 'shutting' you out. If you become furious at him and take extreme measures you might become the 'mean mommy' and then he might just 'rebel' FORGET it, like that you will not get anywhere.

When addressing the problem, don't say things like 'I want you to stop playing so you can help me around the house' Who would like to stop doing something fun to do chores? Try aproaching the situation by explaining to him that you do not mind the video games - you mind the amount of time he does it - and talk to him about how much you would love his company and how meaninful is to do stuff as a family. And also keep a big clock on front of the computer bacause while he might spend 8-10 hours on the computer...to him it might seem like only couple of hours.

Also the whole 'I make the money thing' needs to stop. You do your part in the household. Next time he brings it up tell him that you didn't marry him to become a maid that gets paid. You are his wife not his employee.

All men are NOT like this. Or perhaps I just got very lucky. My hubby works as a Chef so he makes dinner and does dishes at least half the time. He cleans the house if I am falling behind, I don't even ask. He changes diapers, checks temperatures, makes and washes bottles. My only complaint is that I haven't gotten sleep in like 2 years. I have an 18 month old and a 4 month old. I am ALWAYS the one to get up with them. I have tried to act as if I am sleeping, so he'll fix a bottle at 2am, but no luck. I feel that I shouldn't complain after I read about all the other men out there.

Well I have issues with my husband but this is not one of them. He is great at helping out because I made it clear that our marriage is a partnership. We have two kids and we both work. I think it just comes down to what you can live with and what will drive you crazy over time.

When my son, now 15 months, was that young my husband was behaving in the same way yours is. I'd like to say that all it took was my bringing it to his attention, but that didn't work. As Will gets older, he's more interactive and a lot more self sufficient. Gradually my husband started playing with him more and soon started taking care of some of other stuff- like picking up Wills toys, etc. To this day, he's still never given him a bath or cleaned up the kitchen, but hey, I'll take what I can get:) Good luck- I feel for you! I really think that soon your husband will want to spend more time with your daughter! K.

i know what you mean. i cant tell you how many times my husband and i used to fight over all of this!!! He used to help alot with our son when he was a newborn but after he was deployed for over a year it seems like he forgot how to be a daddy!! The only thing i can suggest that seemed to help is try to make him see it from your view and compare the time you are spending taking care of the baby verses him and what kinda of time do you get to yourself! Best way yet is to leave him with the baby for the weekend, i think once they see how much work it really takes then there respect changes..make sure that you get these issues out of the way until you have more if thats something you think you want because it only will get more hectic with another one!

All men are not all like this and you should not have to settle. My suggestion is to volunteer at church or in the community one evening a week. It will give you a break, and force your hubby to step up while you are not there, like it or not.

Honey, if someone tells you that they don't have SOME issues with their hubby, they are fibbing. Men never really grow up. They always have to have toys. There are good fathers out there, but they will never be like mommy or sacrifice as much as mommy. Hell, we carried them and nurtured them. I can not say it gets better because I have been married nine years (today) with three daughters and I still feel like a single mom at times (other than financially). You either grin and bear it or don't. If you are like me and have voiced your opinion over and over and nothing changes (or if it does it's only temporary), what else can you do? If he has good qualities, try to see those in him. You may have to demand more help, but in a nice but firm way. You don't want to make him feel like less of a man. At least you know what you are in for if you have more kids and if he does not change. Keep your head up honey.

I had this issue when our first child was born. I really did most of the work. However, we fought about it a lot and finally I got him to do the cooking, preparing the bottles for the next day, giving the bath, or other things to help out. Some men don't have experience with small babies and I think it's hard for them to get involved. But, after she starts smiling and crawling-- 6-9 months he will get more involved and my husband really became involved when my son was about 3 and potty-trained-- they started going out to do "guy stuff" -- running to the auto parts store or whatever. I have noticed that my husband really got more involved once my kids (we have a daughter now too) got bigger.

Good luck.

He is very immature, and also, doesn't know what to do, and what is expected of him. I am now, 62, still with the same old guy, and looking back, he didn't know what to do, and said he was afraid he would hurt them, they were so small. You will have to teach him, and as she grows, he will bond, as he sees her delight in him. Lucky for me, I have raised 2 fantastic sons who are terrific interactive dads, and the old guy, is the most wonderful grandpa you have ever seen. So, act a little less strong, and get him helping, as you give baby to him to hold for a few min etc. Good luck, you married him, now help him out, and yourself as well. New baby is very overwhelming time.

First, pray for wisdom. Complaining to him will not work. Expressing to him that you wish he could share some of your special moments with your infant might be good. For your sake, do not let a root of bitterness begin to grow towards him. He is who he is and only he and God can instigate changes in his life. If you haven't noticed by now, men usually take a little longer to grow up and discover what is really important in life. Women are more nurturing by nature. If you have a relationship with God, then ask Him to direct your words with wisdom and pray that your husband has a receiving heart. Do not attack him. Do everything in love and forgive instantly. Trust God! Have patience. See your husband through the eyes of a loving God...then your words and actions will be laced with love.

I. N