Angry 5 Yr Old...

Dr. Sears has some great advice on helping kids control and understand their anger:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

the "7 ways to help and angry child", and the link below, "raising an expressive child" are both good.

I have two very strong recommendations for you, not so much about anger specifically, but about coaching your children to find their own creative solutions to everyday issues.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, is spilling over with real-life examples of how parents helped their kids find more effective ways to address their own problems. It's an easy read, and each chapter polishes your communication skills with additional tips. This is the single most brilliant and practical parenting book I've ever used.

And by the same authors, so I'm sure it will be just as excellent (though I've only helped raise single children so I've never used it) is Siblings Without Rivalry. I do know a few families who have been very pleased with this book, too.

You teach him, HOW to express himself in a nicer way.
You teach him the NAMES for feelings... so that he can say how he feels no matter what even if grumpy or happy.

You teach him, how to say things... by role-playing.
You teach him ALTERNATE ways of "coping" with any emotion. Even if that means, he can say "I need to be alone... and have time to myself."
My 4 year old son, can do that and does. I taught him that.

Kids, need to be taught "coping-skills." It is not instinct. It is a TAUGHT skill.

Boys, NEED to be taught, that it is OKAY to have feelings and to say it.... and how to express themselves. Too.
Otherwise, they grow up into being pent-up silent frustrated Men, who cannot express themselves, nor even know their feelings.

I have been teaching my kids that, since 2 years old.

You ALSO, need to show your son, that you ARE 'correcting' his other sibling too.
Because in a little kid's mind, the Eldest child, is the one who gets scolded more, sometimes.
Which to them, is not fair.
Hence they get "angry."

He cannot learn all of this, in 4 weeks before Kindergarten.
It will be ongoing.... throughout childhood.
Also often, kids will 'behave' in school, but at HOME... is where they vent and let it all hang out.
In school, being on task all the time ALL day, is TIRING for them.
Once home, they DEFLATE.
So allow him to do this.
Let him UNWIND after school. Doing relaxing things.
Don't order him around, right after he comes home. They get all frustrated and often need to NAP or unwind after school.
I know... my daughter and MANY kids, once they start school, are like this.
Please, keep this in mind.
At HOME, is where a kid, will unwind. Teach him how, via having an afterschool 'routine' for him.
ie: come home, relax, have a snack, do homework etc.
Kids NEED a snack once they come home. They are HUNGRY.
It was a long time, since they had lunch and when school ends.
Kids, blood sugar levels drop, when hungry... and THIS causes Moodiness too and them melting-down.
Keep this in mind.
Having a snack, keeps their physiology and blood sugar levels, more even keeled.

ALSO, once they start school, they are TIRED when they come home and often need a nap.
Over-tired kids, get more fussy and melt-down.
Being in school, wipes them out.
It is hard 'work' being in school, too, for a child.
Like an adult being at work ALL day.
You need to come home and have down-time.

If this is truly only "anger" and never random aggressive tantrums gone awry, then he could need his entire setting evaluated for why he's so mad. But I have seen with many kids who are angry and "get away with" explosive behavior and parents trying to comfort and talk them out of it, they get madder and madder. However angry hurt kids CAN become much more happy once the behavior is firmly not tolerated.

Case in point, and I could give LOTS of examples, our friends were here yesterday with their mad, sad frustrated 4 year old. He's been this way since he was 2. His parents have always comforted him and told him the right way to act gently. I haven't seen him in a year. He is truly unbearable to be around now. So much MORE angry and awful than he was, and that's saying something. His mom tries to calm him down gently, and he just hits her and starts screaming. He wouldn't even accept my kids offers to play without melting down and saying mean things and saying "I dont' WANT TO SHAAAARRREEE" cry cry cry rage rage. All the while, his mom just reassured him and told him to be nice. No discipline at all for the bad behavior.

Meanwhile, my two step cousins whose father abandoned them a few years ago were REALLY acting out in true rage and hurt. My step sister moved back home where not only did they have positive family influences around them and love, but also high expectations like the rest of the family for their behavior, and a lot of discipline and firm consequences for tantrums and aggression. They were so thankful for the boundaries and are now super sweet kids.

I think all the positive parenting tips are GREAT for AFTER this gets firmly handled. It's only natural kids get respect and loving talks when they are on a social level again. But ONLY doing the gentle coaxing and teaching could really make him much worse. Again, if you think there is a real issue going on medically, find out what it is, but many boys act this way. If all you've ever done is "relax him" with kind words and explanations, it probably won't help to continue that.

I'll never forget these moms at the park whose sons got in a fight. And started crying. And lying about who did what. The moms were like, 'Sweetie, now we don't do that, we say what really happened and no hitting" The kids were getting madder and madder and the moms were getting nicer and nicer. One kid got so furious at his mom-literally glared at her like he wanted to tear her head off and started hitting his head on the park sign and screaming and disrupting the whole park. She just hugged him and said he needed a nap and comforted him the whole way to the car. It's emasculating to boys to do this in my opinion. Not saying you do this AT ALL, just reminds me whenever I see the raging boys.

This book is great about respect and controlling tempers for kids in this age range. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

One way you could reinforce the lesson of the right way to deal with anger would be to write a "social story". This is a short, personalized type of story, commonly used with autistic kids, but could be helpful for anyone. Here are some links to examples: http://www.vcu.edu/ttac/autism/social_story_examples.shtml
http://www.raisingdeafkids.org/growingup/toddler/tantrums...

Chances are he learned that behavior from someone, who?

Have you talked to anyone at the school he will he going to? He should be tested for Autisim, ADD, ADHD, and have a program set up for him.

I would stop feeling bad for him for getting so angry bc it is a bad way to respond to anything instantly. So scold him for it and make your 3 year old tell him she's sorry. Good luck with Kindergarten that's fun lol

Hi, T:

When incidents like that happen, one way to resolve the issue is to
have a circle dialogue with your children.

It is a process of questions and answers from both the children, one from the offending child and one from the offended child.
Here are the questions:

To your daughter:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

To your son:

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

To Yourself see what they say and then answer the same questions as given to your son.

Hope this helps.
D.

www.iirp.org