Am I Wrong? Inlaw Problems

i would flat out tell her to hush, and get to know HIM first before any "family" trips are made, and that includes phone calls and HER traveling to see you guys. it's not his fault they don't know eachother not her's either, BUT dh already has "family" if she wants to be a part of it, she needs to make the effort

and how many times have i seen facebook being an issue?...so tempted to delete mine, but the only way i have contact with some of my family, that's why i havn't yet

I think everyone is wrong if this is all happening on FB.

FACEBOOK...enough said.

First...stop posting this stuff on facebook. It is really that easy! No one needs to know your plans or why you are making them. Next, you don't need an excuse or reason. If you want to be a part of their lives...make an effort to spend time with them. If not...don't worry about it. You don't need a reason to like or dislike them, you don't need a reason to visit or not visit. Family means more than genetic bonds.

You and your husband need to decide what these people mean to you and your family, and what you want to do to make things happen.

If you don't like them and want no future with them...who cares what they post. It isn't like you are going to bump into them at the grocery store and have it out in the baking aisle. Walk away and don't look back.

If you do want to forge a relationship in spite of the past, be the bigger person, work on contacting them regularly (whether or not they reply back or make an effort). Work on making time for them, and let them know what is going on. Invite them to functions, and if they can't make it...don't take it personally.

I do not mean to be so matter a fact...but it is like a bunch of hormonal highschoolers battling over best friends. Facebook has a nasty way of turning negative really quick. Forget the past and decide whether they are important to your future.

I stopped reading maybe halfway through.
1) Don't give such long explanations about
why you can't visit aunts, et al.
Just say we have other plans.
Perhaps we can get together in the spring.

2) It's good that your husband feels accepted/comfortable
with your extended family. Sounds like a win-win all around.

3) Remember to let your extended family know how much you appreciate their love and support, especially now that you have experienced some of the dysfunction, etc., in your husband's (kinda) family.

4) If members of your husband's extended family offer support, invitations, kindness, accept with graciousness, if possible. If not possible,
let them know how much you appreciate the offer but -- one simple reason only -- you cannot accept at this time.
You hope they'll try again in the future.

Also, most people who have raised children know
it is VERY VERY DIFFICULT to travel long distances
with small children, even if the car is in tip-top condition.
It is totally ridiculous for them to expect your little family
to travel a long distance to visit with them.

You might want to reconsider what you do or don't put on FB,
and who has access to your FB posts.

Good luck.

It sounds to me the real problem is you are positing informaiton/opinions/conversations on FB that should be personal and could at the least be misundertood if not clearly offensive. You didn't tell us what you actually wrote, but if it is something like "so and so would be offended if we didn't visit..." Well that is obnoxious and I think you shouldn't have said it and apologized. I woudl be offended by that if I was the aunt.

For the issue of getting to know them and visiting... Your husband has been estranged from them, and as the child in the situation, I think they as his elders have more obligation to make an effort to get to know him (i.e., visit you or sending a very clear invitation). He certainly can reach out if he wants, but I could understand his reservations.

However, I might try to put yourself in their shoes a little as his extended family. I don't think it was right to stay out of your husband's life. But they are in a tough spot if your husband's parents don't have a good relaitonship wiht him. Perhaps they were just trying to stay out of it?

That said, if they have expressed an interest in getting to know you all and your husband wants this for himself and his child, then yes, I think you should also make more of an effort to see them. Right now, it sounds like their feelings are hurt because you were basically talking about them out of school, and I think you probably should make a good faith gesture.

How to fix this? Write a poilte and personal note saying that you apologize for discussing his family online and you are still getting used to the complicated relationships in your husband's family. Simple, leave it at that. Then say, we woudl love to get together and have you meet our son. Becasue of our car problems, we won't be able to visit until the spring, but would you like to come see us before then? Maybe after the new year?

As for Christmas, however, I don't htink you need ot offer 100 excuses. You didn't get an invitation and already have plans. Tell them "Merry Christmas" and try to arrange something for another time.

Why are you arguing with these women online? Seriously- none of you are in middle school anymore. Block them, "unfriend them"...whatever but stop having public disagreements. It will only make the whole situation worse b/c you don't know "who" reads those pages.

Not, you don't have to go there to see them. Your husband seems supportive of this, so don't worry about it. If they don't want to make the trip to see you and the baby, their loss. His family is very mixed up and you don't need to deal with this now. It sounds like they will be involved only when it's convenient.

Having said that, please stop engaging with them on FB. Depending on how you worded something and how they "read" it, you may have really offended them. If someone asks you whether or not you can attend, simply give the answer and let them call you for more details if they would like.

Ok, I don't blame Facebook- because YOU choose what you say or share there and who you share it with.

That said, I think posting that on FB was not the best judgment on your part. Family situations are always awkward and second hand news and gossip just makes things worse.

It does not sound like you will EVER have an ideal family situation with these relatives. You can only be honest and polite. You should call up the aunt and tell her that you are sorry she had to get your reply on FB and that you did not mean to hurt her feelings, but that what you posted there is true- the reasons it just doesn't make sense for you to come up there for Christmas. Tell her that you would really love to see them some other time and ask HER to call you after the holidays so you can arrange something.

That puts the ball in her court. If she calls- you can have them over or whatever- she will be making an effort to see your family. If she doesn't- then just let it go. Just because other people take things personally and get all worked up does NOT mean you have to! Seriously, don't buy into all of that and don't stir it up.

Hopefully your husband is on the same page with you. If his aunt or other relatives of his continue to be hurt or upset, perhaps he should talk to them about why he feels uncomfortable, etc. But either way- don't allow this to mess up your holidays - and do what you can to smooth the situation over and move on. No need to upset others unnecessarily either!

It just sounds like this is turning into all kinds of drama and it doesn't need to be. Good Luck!

Either un-friend her on facebook or block her from reading your posts - there is a setting that allows that.

I agree with you - it is not easy to pack up a baby and take them for a 6 hour drive. sounds like you have already done this....but I would just extend an(other) invitation to them and invite them to join you at your house for Christmas. I don't know the whole story behind why your fil didn't have contact with his son for all of those years. My husband has a child from a previous girlfriend, she lied to him about who his dad was, and has never allowed my husband to have visitation with his son. He is not on the birth certificate and wanted to introduce him to his son as his sons uncle.... We have also sent him birthday cards and such that I am guessing he probably never received. I say that only to say that maybe his father tried sending him stuff (since his mother moved away) that he never got? Just a thought. We hope that one day his son will get to be a part of our family!!

Unfriend them so they can't post on your page. Do not correspond via FB anymore.

You and your husband should have a conversation with them that although they are family, they have not been involved up to this point and therefore you plan to continue your current traditions. You will make arrangements to visit that side of the family but have no intentions on moving. Let them know that they too can visit and maybe next year, if the relationship is built, you can come visit for Thanksgiving. Let them know that your previous post regarding offending your family regarding Christmas was not ment as jab to them but since your husband had not previously attended those family gatherings, you didn't think they would expect him to this year.

I wasn't gonna reply because so many mamas have said exactly what I was thinking, but...someone said you should put yourself in their shoes and try to understand the difficulty they faced of maintaining a relationship with your hubby when his dad didn't. I disagree.

When my ex and I split, he chose to alienate himself from the kids and my family although I encouraged him not to. I, on the other hand, tried to maintain a good relationship with his family (sisters, brother, and parents), and now my kids have a great relationship with his siblings and he's a little jealous. So, no. I don't believe anybody has any excuses for not maintaining a relationship if they really want to. They could have done so had it been important to them, and their brother would not have been any wiser - and would have felt foolish if/when he eventually realized that he was the only one who was not mature enough to do the right thing.

You've said it clearly, and you've made the offer for them to visit. Leave it at that. (And BTW, I don't recall your saying what their response was to the invitation to come visit.)

I would stop posting things on your facebook about family/plans and such that would provoke them. It really isn't anyones business and even if it may have not been intended to be rude, I can see how she could have taken it like that. It;s easy to read things online and take it out of context to be offended, so you aren't totally innocent in this. So many stupid fights get started that way, and it's embarrassing for others to see adults do this.

Really though, you can make more of an effort to talk to them and be friendly to them as well, it's not all about them not reaching out to you. But don't feel bad about what she said and don't egg it on either. Don't even worry about defending yourself to her, she's not going to pay attention anyways.

If you don't ever feel like mending things with her, then by all means delete her from your facebook, since she's apparently trolling it looking for excuses to use against you. Though I would probably just ignore her rant and delete any offensive posts she leaves.

Privately message her and say, "You know, I would love to be able to get to know you all better, but these attitude and rude comments of yours has got to stop. It's immature and doesn't need to be posted in a public place, otherwise I will be forced to block you from commenting, and I really don't want to have to do that. Can we please just forget this whole thing, be more understanding of each other and move forward in our friendship? We really can't do the visit right now, but lets plan on making a visit sometime this summer."

And ps... I have a friend who hasn't seen his father/mother/brother for over 20+ years b/c they are all abusive nuts. It's hurtful and he has tried to reach out, but they haven't stopped, so sometimes, that's just what you have to do.

Yeah...I'm a little lost on you wanting your child to meet cousins of half siblings from a family you don't even know....
Let your husband deal with his own family. Try to stay out of it and if you do re-friend them....limit what they can and can't see on FB.

All I have to say is face book is tearing families and friends apart. Just my observation. I hear complaints every day and all I can say is don't post personal info for the public to see because somehow or someway it always comes back to haunt you. Trust me I've had it happen to me a few times and see it happening to others all the time.

I wouldn't go, first I wouldn't be having these conversations on FB. People blame an online site when it's them playing around. Call her on the phone and and talk to her. I wouldn't argue with these people. If you don't want to run to them don't just don't blame them for not running to you either.