My thing is: i have a niece who I cant stand, I know sorry to say but I can only have so much of her...I have a 4 yo daughter & loves to spend time w/her, my niece is 9yo. She is very CONTROLLING & BOSSY(takes after her mother) Anyways, her parents recently divorced & her father(my husb bro) stay at my inlaws house, so on his weekends both my nefew 12 and niece 9 come stay at their grandma's house, which is pretty much their house on the weekends that they are there. She likes to do, get, say stuff around my inlaws house and doesn't let my daughter do the same & will call out my daughter, "No dont do that, dont get that, dont say that!" no one calls her out on it, & it annnoys the HECK outta me. She likes to be-little my daughter at times, she's fine playing with my daughter at times until someone else is around. Example; this weekend my niece & my daughter were playing fine, & then comes my bro-n-laws new gf daughter & my niece starts to whisper in her ear something(the other lil girl) and says out loud, dont tell her dont tell her, and im sitting here watching this and dont say anything to keep peace within one another, so my daughter is watching them do this to her and im affraid all these lil things my niece does might mess with her self confidence or something? And this is part of why I cant STAND her!!!!!! I kno Im wrong for that, and believe me I try so hard to look at the brighter side of this child but im up to here with her and my inlaws and everyone else "feeling sorry" for her bcuz their parents divorced and so on...............So if you have gone thru this or atleast give me advice of I shuld do please leave me a comment and I APPRECIATE you reading this, THANKS!
Wow! I thanks everyone for you all's feedback! Im so surprised as to how my feelings towards her mother were seen right thru w/o me sayn actual words of how I really feel towards her mother...I never said I hate this child, HATE is a strong word, and i wuld never say that about a child. Her mother and I go WAY back as far as elementary, went to middle school together and I introduced her to my husband's younger brother. They dated for like a year and got married shortly after that. They did everything like I like to say "how you're supposed to" date, get married, buy a house then have children and then everything else that comes along. While my husb and I did everything totally opposite; had a child bought a house then got married and had more kids. I've always felt like my mil would down look at me becuz of that. Then she & I had a fall back and we didnt speak to one another for like 4 years and it was kinda hard for the family to get together bcuz of this, so we didnt really had family gatherings thru-out this time. SO i can say she was the bigger person and approched me and we squashed things and decided to make eace for the sake of my husband and her husband being able to see each other and have a relationship and we have family gatherings together. So after all this, she drops a bomb on all of us, she left my bro-in-law 2 days after she kicked him out, she moved in her new BF, and i decided it wasnt a good idea to speak to her anymore. So i cut all ties with her, and that i guess made her mad and she came back at me with a vengance putting my kids in the middle. So this is when I decided to really not have anything to do with her AT ALL! I kno my niece knows more than wat I think. And she seemed to have been fine with her parents divorcce, now my nefew did take it the hardest and I feel i was there for him. And her she didnt react to anything, this was over 2 years ago and she has never changed and i like ive said I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I have read every response and am considering alot of you all's feedback. Thanks alot! This really has helped me to take a second look at things Ive never even imagined or considered about my niece...I do wanna do things for the right reasons and not out of anger! :) thanks!
If that were me, I would correct that girl, right there.
I would ALSO talk to my own child... and tell her, that ANYTIME she is being teased/insulted/treated badly... to TELL ME. AND teach her how to speak up for herself.
My kids are 4 and 8, and they speak up for themselves or for each other if a kid is being mean to them. AND they tell me. I have also taught my kids what a "Bully" is.
They understand.
all the best,
Susan
I would discipline/scold her as if she were my own child. If the parents are around and not saying anything, then it's your problem to deal with (and their's to cope with).
I have a similar situation with my son and a friend, although they're much younger. You have to take it upon yourself to set the behavior standards in your presence.
End of story. You might actually find that your BIL thanks you for doing it!
I do think you need to examine how you feel about your niece and how much of that comes from you not liking her mother. I would never encourage my nieces or nephew in bad behavior and would feel totally comfortable correcting them- but it sounds to me like YOU have taken this a lot more personally than your daughter did.
If she is badly behaved, it is because your brother and her mom have not done a good job of TEACHING her the proper way to behave and treat people. I think you have a chance here to not only help her learn that it is not ok to be mean or bully other people- but also to give her some much needed structure and love and support.
Ask yourself- do you want to correct her out of love and concern, or just out of anger and frustration??
You sound like a good mom who wants to protect her little girl- that is a wonderful thing. Your niece doesn't sound so lucky! Be that good mom for her too, and sit down or take her out for a talk, just the two of you. Reassure her that she has your family's love and support and that if things are tough with her parents she can come and talk to you.
THEN talk with her about the behavior you saw. Ask her how she would feel if her cousins were doing that to her. Tell her that you don't have the power to ground her or punish her, etc. but that YOU know she is a better, sweeter, smarter girl than that and even though you understand she is frustrated right now, it is just NOT acceptable to take it out on her little cousin or other people- and it will just get her in trouble, not help or change anything.
Be the mom- be the bigger person here and help your niece learn to do the same. You could build a strong, loving family relationship between you and her and your daughter that you will cherish as you all get older.
Don't act out of anger- act out of love!
You're not over-protective, but you're not trying to understand her either. If she reminds you of her mother, you might be disgusted with that too. She is 9yrs old and as much as what she does seem over-bearing, I would take the adult role and coach her in what is more appropriate, don't just get disgusted with her. A divorce at that age can be very traumatic for a young girl and it could just be her way of taking it out on someone younger. My niece is that age and even though she writes her feelings out and cries alot, she is very disturbed by her parents separation, so I can understand. Try to coach her and show her the right way instead of getting upset with what she does. She needs some sort of "safe" haven now instead of more people getting on her case.
Just my opinion since your daughter is only 4 and her cousin is 9, you need to speak up for your daughter. If I was sitting there and my niece or nephew's weren't being fair, I would call them out on it. Now if my sister or brother-in-laws had problems, I would take them aside and talk with them. If everyone is going to let her get by with behavior like this, she'll continue to do it. Yes, there are times when the parent should address the issues, however, when the parents are being parents, and this is your niece, I would say something.
Good luck!
You can't pick your family... You don't have to like them.
That being said, there's a rule in my house that no whispering takes place. Because if you can't say it in front of everyone then it's not nice and has no place. Maybe state it that way?
i.e. - In your presence (sp?), the whispering won't be tolerated.
For what it's worth... I haven't spoken to my stepbro & his wife in 2yrs... Like I said, you don't have to like them...
A friend of mine told me once that your friends are your family you get to choose.
I would just avoid the situation when you can.
Have you ever said to her something like "Mary, you don't need to tell Susie what to do all of the time."?
perhaps more upsetting is that your BIL has been divorced for a few months and he's bringing a GF around his kids already!?
I don't think you are overacting because this bothers you (as it would me too) and you don't want to see your daughter get her feelings hurt or be mistreated by anyone.
Maybe next time this happens you could inject yourself into the situation and try to ask your neice a about her behavior in a positive way. For example, when they were keeping some secrete from your daughter or whispering in each others ear you can probably say something like "what's the secrete you guys are keeping from everyone, I want to know too" Or when she stops playing with your daughter because someone else comes around you could probably say " What's wrong (Neices Name) are you not having a good time with your cousin anymore? This may seem childish to some to get involved but she is playing with your daughter and you are seating their witnessing something that bothers you so I think it's okay to correct the neice. If I were a parent I would never just seat quietly and let my child hurt another child's feelings. So since her parents are so oblivious to what's going on I guess you have to step in when it involves "your child".
Also, have you talked to your daughter about this to find out how she feels or how this is making her feel?
I'd keep your daughter from playing with your niece. That kind of stuff will really hurt your daughter for years to come. Reassure your daughter and encourage her but don't let her around your niece until your niece can grow up. I've had to keep my children from others because of similiar reasons. Good luck!!
Okay, first, why are you there, if you know that she will be there, and don't like your daughter being around her? Second, don't keep the peace, if she isn't acting in an appropriate way, and you are the adult, say something. Let her know that if she can't say something nice, that she needs to leave the room, or that it is rude to do that. It definitely feels like you don't like this girl, and that could be coloring your take on what she does (been there, done that). Can you have your husband in the room to see if you are out of line or not? This girl may be getting away with a lot right now, and she needs to be taught manners, your you will need to take your daughter out of the situation.
First of all, you don't like your neice's mom. That is 1 blow against her before anything happens.
Secondly, I feel for your neice. Her family recently fell apart and her dad has confirmed that by bringing in a new gf. So we know where his priorities are and with what brain he is using to think.
Just imagine the hurt you would feel if you put yourself in her shoes.
This little girls needs someone positive in her life, someone she can trust, and her aunt hates her. Don't think she does not know that.....kids know.
If you, as an adult, cannot have any positive influence, then you need to stay away from her. Sounds like she is starving for someone to love her. The behavior you don't like is probably stemming from her own lack of self esteem.
I am not saying back off. Of course, hold her responsible for actions but this alone will not scar your kid for life unless you do nothing to help your own child build her self esteem.
Parents often notice these things a lot more than children. If it doesn't bother your daughter, don't let it bother you.
If it does bother your daughter, take the opportunity to start teaching her to rise above it. The age difference between the girls is huge at their ages, and I am surprised that a nine year old really plays with a four year old at all.
If it upsets your daughter, maybe she could bring a friend her own age to play with next time?
You are not being over protective, your child is only 4 and needs you to be her advocate.
I totally get it...I could have almost wrote your post instead of you! Age differences are about the same too. And her mother and I never got along either.
My niece gets away with whatever (even if she is corrected, it is not followed through on). Her and her dad no longer live with my inlaws but they live next door. My MIL acts like she does no wrong. Everyone tries to cut her some slack because of the split but she was bratty before the split, now she is emotional and has trouble adjusting to the constant passing off (they share equal custody, one week at a time w/ a visit for one day in between...constant upheaval).
She back talks everyone and pouts if you call her on it. She will lie to your face, act oblivious if you question her, and pout if your don't just ignore it. I call her on it because it isn't doing her any favors to just condone the brattiness. I understand she is in a position she can't control and try to be understanding to her emotions but it doesn't just give her a pass for bad behavior. I do sometimes have to check myself because it isn't my place to correct her with her parent right there.
Down side is my daughter typically acts up once she has spent time with them. I do step in when it involves my daugther.
I would suggest that when you see her doing something that directly affects your daughter, you tell her that it isn't nice to treat little ones like that. When you see her playing nice, compliment her regarding that. Try to overlook the little stuff.
