My son is 3 years old and he loves his daddy. He gets to excited when he knows he is about to go see him. I just recently found out that when he does get my son, my sister and brother-in-law live right next door to him, he would stay at my sister's and brother-in-law's and they would be the one watching him, feeding, him, baithing him, and putting him to bed in there room and his father wouldn't be doing anything. He only would get my son once a week once every other week. He is 25 and still in his party stage I ask him for one night to watch him so I could hang out with my sister and just chill. He said yes. When we go down there to hang out some of his frirends came out and then his dad wouldn't watch him. Note: He lives way out in the sticks. He was more worried about partying and hanging out with his friends, rather than watching my son. As a mother I think the worse:" What could of happened? He could of got lost in the woods, got in the road."It's been 3 weeks since the last time he's even asked about him. He acts like he don't even wanna be bothered with my son. I don't know if it is wrong of me to just let him see him right now and visit rather than him going out there to stay over night. I just can't trust him. I'm thinking of my childs safty and also trying to think about his feelings as well. Ever since I've confronted him about the situation, when my sister does keep him, and when he does come down she says that he ignores him. I just hate to see my child hurt so bad and him not care at all. What kind of parent does that, how could a parent do that. I can't stand going a few days without my kids...let alone weeks...
I appreicate all the advice. All very helpful. I try talking to him about it before but he gets so mad. He would buy diapers and that was it. When I would ask help for winter clothes or summer clothes he would say "oh yeah I'll help" but then he never would. I would keep reminding him it's time to buy b/c I don't make that much money to buy all new winter/summer clothes for him, my daughter, and try to get a few for myself. He would then say I don't have the money then go and tell me how he spent this much money on this certain item for himself. So I have just given up on the matter and do it myself. I never did know that my sister and BIL were the ones watching him untill the night that he decided that he wanted to party with his friends rather than watch his son and my sister and BIL had told me about it. When I try to talk to my sister and them about it they don' t say too much b/c they are all good friends with my sons father. From what they did tell me when they did have him his father would ignore him. So i throw my hands up anymore. What else can I do. Like most of you have said I can't make him be a father to my son though he really needs to. Tired of wasting my breath on something that apparently isn't going to happen right now. I've had to grow up fast from having him at 18 years old and I just hoped for the same of him. But what else can a person do....I just hope that one day he will realize what he has missed out on and step up for my son...
H., I'd only let him go if your brother and sister-in-law are around. They seem to be a loving family to him. Perhaps THAT is why your son is so excited to go over there.
It's a shame this man is not daddy material.
Dawn
YES you're right to be annoyed, he's being a poor father. But this isnt about you being right. It should be about what is best for this little boy. I raised two children who never felt completely worthwhile because their father didnt seem to care. They had a great step dad and lots of other loving relatives but it makes kids feel less when their own bio parent cant be bothered. I NEVER said bad things about him in front of the children. I let the kids visit, telling the grandparents that I put them in charge of the kids and held them not him responsible. Don't burn any bridges, maybe his father will grow up one day and be a better father that would be the best thing for your little boy. In the meantime make sure they see each other for a bit on a regular basis, even if it means putting your sister in charge or you take your son to visit Dad for two hours while you go next door and visit your sister. Right now you are the only one with your son's best interest at heart. I'm sorry he's not a better parent but he is the one you had a child with and you need to keep trying to help this baby to become a father, for your son's sake.
So you trusted him to watch him when you needed a night away to hang with your sister but now your not too sure??
~If you do not have a court order than don't do anything until the dad asks to see him, judging by what you have said it could be a very long time before Dad asks to see his son. If you do have a court order there isn't much you can do.
Geez...I sure hope that at the very least, this "dad" is paying child support.
Me? I wouldn't be sending my kid where he's ignored or in danger.
If the sister and brother on law miss seeing him, they'll be in touch.
Don't hold your breath waiting for the father to call.
Good luck!
It is clear that your son loves his overnights with Auntie and Uncle so from now on just make arrangements with them to spend time with your son. Cut dad right out of the picture!
I will say that I would be a little miffed at my sister for not telling me what was going on from the gate.
Okay, I get that you want dad to grow up but he's not there yet.
This is how I would think of visiting dad from now on. Your child IS excited about going to dads. He gets to go to his Aunt and Uncles to play the whole time....he likes them, are they safe? Do they treat him right? Is he safe with them? Do they have kids? He is having a blast with his dad's relatives. Not dad, dad is a side effect of getting to go to Aunt and Uncles house...
Dad is his way to get to the fun, he likes going to Aunt and Uncles house. Get that?????? That is what he is excited about, not seeing dad.
Next time you need a babysitter why not call them to do it instead of dad. Build a relationship with them so that when child is at dad's house you know for a fact how he is being treated and cared for by Aunt and Uncle. That way you will not care if dad is out partying the whole time or not. Child is safe and sound and being totally loved and cared for by Aunt and Uncle.
dont sweat the idiot, let him go through life without getting to know his own son, its his LOSS. better that then let him take the boy for a few hours, the guy get drunk and "lose" the boy because he get drunk and passed out!
K. h.
I'm so sorry that the man you chose to father a child with isn't the type of father you hoped he transform into. I was thinking that your son is excited to go visit his father because he knows he gets to see his Auntie and Uncle and spend an overnight there. He probably feels safe there and has fun with them.
As for your son's father, I really do understand your frustration with his attitude and behavior. The problem is that you can't change his behavior. You can only change your responses to his behavior. You keep expecting him to change and become a better parent and a better person with every interaction, but why? Talking to him doesn't make a difference. The change has to come from within himself. So you need to change your expectations meaning DON'T HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF HIM AT ALL. That way if he does something appropriate or even good, then it will be a pleasant surprise.
Don't plan ahead with him. When you do make plans even if they're a day ahead or a week ahead, and you then make personal plans based on that, have a back-up plan for if things fall through. You shouldn't be "surprised" to find out each and every time that your son visits his father that your son ends up with Auntie and Uncle. Don't even pretend to be surprised or annoyed. Instead, plan for some sort of back-up and work with them.
Frankly, their behavior isn't really supporting a relationship with your son's father. They're not making him responsible for his own child and they're letting him off the hook. Your son is lucky to have them, but there really is a down side to them doing this.
Keep track and document what's going on. If you don't have custody arranged and child support set up, you should do so. A man who won't even spend time with his child is a man who likely won't financially support that child either.
You don't have to let him go unless it is court-ordered. Even then, you can fight it if you feel he's unfit, but that is hard to prove. As long as the in-laws are taking good care of him, don't let it bother you. You can't force him to have a relationship with his son.
As long as your sister and BIL are there to take care of him, let him go for the visit. You need an occasional break.
Do not count on this man to step-up and be a real father. Hopefully, for the sake of his son he will mature and understand that being a parent is more important than going out with friends. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him grow up.
If you do not have court ordered custody/visitation schedule in place, get one. In Wisconsin a social worker will do a visitation at both homes and interview all interested parties, including your son. Because he is so young they will be gentle with him but will ask questions such as: What do you do at daddy's? Where do you sleep? What do you eat? Do you play with daddy? This will give the court a real idea of exactly what is going on at both homes. The court can order him to get into parenting classes or counseling. Hopefully you will get a judge who will see that he is not a good or attentive parent and could order only supervised visitation. He will also be ordered to pay child support.
