Am I Expecting Too Much from Friends?

I don't know the "all" of you but here is my opinion ...

If giving and helping others, even when it is inconvenient to you, is what makes you happy then you should do that. HOWEVER, remember not everyone is like you. You are not being used, you are willingly doing what is asked of you. You can always say no. =)

just to ramble...
My sister in law is similiar to you, she even does things that no one asks her to do. Then she complains when people cant (or even offers) to help her. Then she will say well I am just not gonna help this person anymore because they never help me. Which just seems so petty to me. It's like she is keeping score. I now refuse anything she tries to do for me or give me.

In my opinion, if you are happy to help out then you should continue to do so. If you are becoming resentful or feeling used then you need to say no. It is okay to say no I am unavailable this afternoon (I don't personally view that as a fault).

I get the same thing from my friends. Its kind of like letting someone borrow a book, if you really expect it back don't lend it out.

Hmmm...several ways to look at this.
If helping out is "YOUR natural inclination to be a positive force in the world" then, by all means, keep helping out! But don't expect anything in return.
If you would like to keep your giving 'even-stevens" then you're going to have to learn how to say NO sometimes!

If you think she's giving you an honest answer, then consider accepting that she has too much on her plate to reciprocate. Two special needs children can be a lot.

For your part, you can decide if you really do all you do in the future. You are also allowed to say, "I can't do it today, sorry."

Maybe you need to cultivate friends who are better at giving than receiving.

Learn how to say no. It's great to help, but you need to realize you have limits too.

If you like to help people, go for it but please don't expect others to be so "overly generous" with their time. Quite honestly, you need to start saying "no" once in a while. Not because your friends are not reciprocating, but because you are overextending yourself and that's not healthy. Again, your friend has two children with Autism and has expressed to you that she cannot handle more, which is a healthy response.

Being "helpful" is one thing... doormat is another. If you have something going on, then say NO. It's quite liberating once you start using that little word and stop feeling guilty.

If you help your friends because you want to, then great. But if you are helping them because you expect them to do the same for you, then you'll be disappointed.

You have chosen your helping philosophy: not to miss an opportunity to do good. Your friends get to choose theirs, too: like setting limits on how much good they can do without being too stressed. You will have to accept that your friends can't push themselves as much as you do, and decide if it's worth it for you to help them even when you are "bleeding from your eyeballs.".

she has two autistic children and she is ur go to for babysitting? cut the women some slack. the last thing she needs is 2 MORE children to watch.
maybe you can give her some opportunities to help you out that are easier for her to work into her life. but dont be upset if she cant, not every one has it as together as you do.

but you also cant give with the expectation of getting.
give, when you can, because it make YOU happy to do so.
if not, then dont.

You should be commended for being such a good friend! Unfortunately sometimes people are just not aware of how much sacrifice goes into the favors they ask for. My advice would be to continue being the wonderful friend that you are! Like you said, you get what you give...maybe yours is just a really, exceptionally large blessing that you will receive one day.

((hugs))

Leanne

T.,

You absolutely are being used by your friends, and with all due respect, it is your own fault. Believe it or not, you are actually too nice. You go way above and beyond - much farther than anyone else would do. You have your own life and your own family - you need to only focus on that, just like your friends are only focusing on their families. I cannot believe you agreed to help your friend set up for her daughter's birthday party the same day as your husband's birthday? Why did you agree to do that? More importantly, why did your friend have no shame in asking you to do that? She must have known that you are a pushover and was going to say yes. You need to stop being a pushover and learn how to say no to people. I used to be like you and it ruined my life and caused me to be very resentful toward people. If I had only had the skillset to know how to say no to people, a lot of my life would have been so much easier. In summary - we all are busy people with our own lives and you ONLY need to worry about yourself/your life/your family. However, if any of your friends were in a true bind (for example, a life or death emergency), then of course that is different. Good luck on learning how to say no! It will truly free you!

Friendship is a 2 way street and if you are the only 1 on the road driving to help everyone then you might need to rethink your friendships. I'd say you need to stop agreeing to everything that is asked of you. If it's convenient for you to help out then help. If you have other things to do then bow out. You'll feel less resentful.

The other thing I'd like to mention is that with friendships I don't keep a running list of everything I've done for others nor do I expect them to keep a running list of everything they've done for me. Sometimes I'm more needy than others and my friends seem to be there through thick and thin. I've got 1 friend who is needy and I help out when I can. She's in no position to assist me but I'm there for her when I'm able.

I think it is wonderful that you are so giving. It does sound, though, like maybe you need to work on setting boundaries. You freely admit that you take on these situations when you have other obligations you are trying to take on at the same time. Your friends HAVE learned to set boundaries on what they are physically/mentally/emotionally able to do to help out a friend. You are the one that has not. So work on that.

The first step, I would say, is to say "no" the next time one of your friends asks. I would try to prioritize my friends' needs (putting your friend with 2 special needs kids high on the list of course) and let the "needs" at the bottom be dealt with by the person who needs them. In other words... your friend with the special needs kids may have a much harder time finding a Plan B person to help, but another friend of yours may not- it might just be quicker and easier for her to ask you, since she expects you to say yes everytime. Say no. Save some of your energy for the next time when you absolutely cannot say 'no'.

It isn't your burden. If you give of yourself even when you are bleeding from your eyes (as your friend put it) then they KNOW that they are asking more than THEY would be able to do themselves. So don't feel bad if you just can't this time. It's kind of like being a mom. You give and give and give...but if you don't take time for yourself along the way---you will give OUT and be of no use to anybody.

I would take each situation on a case by case basis. In this particular friends case she has two autistic kids and may not be able to see the forest thru the trees as much. I think it says something that she is honest and aware enough to acknowledge that you would help her no matter what. In this instance I would suggest going with your gut-if you feel she is taking advantage of you-then pull back, if you think it truly is she just can't take on more then don't change how you do things.

For the other friends-there always seems to be the givers and the takers in relationships and for those you need to set your comfortable boundries. You don't want to do something out of the goodness of your hert, but then feel annoyed afterwards-BUT if you choose to volunteer and they haven't asked you can't really get angry with them. Even though they 'should' reciprocate-many people just don't have that on their radar.

My advice is to give only if you expect nothing in return. Otherwise you aren't doing anyone any favors. If you are only willing to do things as a trade then you need to make that perfectly clear to your friend. Some people are able to give as much as you, some are not. Sounds like your friend is in a place in her life where she needs more help than she is able to give. We all go through this. I'm not there for my friends only if they have something I can use in return. I know I sound harsh, but try being a friend without putting your own high expectations on others. Yes, I'm a giver, over and over. But if I start to feel used or bitter then it's time to take a look in the mirror because I put myself there.

Say no. People cannot use you unless you allow yourself to be used. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, or to tell you to hold back your true nature. Just be a little bit more discriminatory in the choices you make to help out. It's fine to watch your friend's kids once in awhile IF you don't have something else pressing that cannot be postponed. In an emergency, sure, if you're the only one who can help then by all means do so if you're able. But don't hesitate to say "sorry, I really can't this time" the next time you are asked a favor that would put you out. Once your friends start to realize that you are not so into being taken advantage of, maybe they'll come around and start helping you out a little more in the hopes that you'll continue to do the same. I really hope they do, because you sound like a wonderful person.

p.s. As for the friend with the 2 autistic children, it sounds like she is being genuine. But, she should be able to find SOME time to help you out once in awhile. At least she realizes that she's the "taker" in your relationship.

with the friend with 2 special needs kids, I would continue to go out my way to help.

with the others, they're s.o.l !! Time to find new friends!

I think you must be an honestly awesome person.....keep up the good deeds!

For the particular friend with the autistic children, I think she gave you her honest answer when she told you "I know you would help me even if you were bleeding out your eyes, but I just can't handle any more on my plate." She was trying to tell you she appreciated what you do for her, and how you are a good friend but doesn't feel she has the strength/patience/etc. to handle watching a couple of kids on top of her own (and I can totally understand her feeling overwhelmed, perhaps, by her own children). In this case, I would say to change your expectations, or, instead of asking her to watch your kids, think about some other ways she can be a good friend to you, and suggest those to her. Heck, if you could line up a sitter for a few hours to watch hers and your kids (or get the hubbies to do it), and take her out to enjoy a show or a quiet dinner, and let the two of you have some fun, that would probably be tremendous for each of you and for your friendship with each other. :)

For your other friends, I would treat them on an individual basis. If the person is someone you feel especially close to, talk to them about it in a non-accusatory fashion, if you're comfortable. If, after you talk to her, nothing changes, you have your answer, because actions speak louder than words.

For those that you're not as close to, give them another chance to say "yes" to helping you. If they don't, well, next time you need to say No, you're not available to help with XYZ thing.

Some people really understand that helping each other out strengthens the bond of community, and others don't. In today's society, we're more fragmented -- instead of having extended family (aka "a village") to help us, we have to rely our spouses (who are often overworked themselves), or our neighbors and friends, many of whom don't understand how helping each other out strengthens things in a community. Church was community for a lot of people, and still is. Of course, there are some people who do understand but don't care or prefer to use/manipulate for their own gain/selfishness.

I would tell her the same thing in the future..."sorry but I have a lot on my plate right now". Seems like a great response that obviously works! You know what I always say? "Actions speak louder than words". I'm a very nice and giving person, but if that other person can't do the same for me, then sorry...its a sign of who your "true" friends and family are. Good luck!

It is wonderful that you can accommodate so many people and juggle so many tasks at once, but it really is ok to say no every once in awhile. It sounds like your friend really recognizes how much you do for her, but she may not be as good at multi-tasking like you are and knowing these limits is ok too. It is better to not bite off more than one can chew.
I am a firm believer that God smiles upon us and rewards us when we truly give to others without expecting anything in return for it. If you feel you absolutely cannot give another thing to someone you should reserve the right to decline their request for help without feeling any guilt. You can only do so much! My guess is your friends will be fine with that and still appreciate all you do for them when you can. If they are not, then you will know if they are taking advantage. They may even offer more help to you in the future. I applaud your natural inclination to be a positive impact in the world and encourage you to offer your help as much as you want or are able, but also give yourself some grace to say no sometimes. Especially if it is going to make you stressed or have negative feelings about it. Hope this helps!
A.

Ya know, I am the SAME exact way! We Aries are very loyal to our friends too. I do EVERYthing for my friends w/no question. If they need help, I'm there, if they need a ride I'm there. If they need help moving we're there w/o question. I even offer to help, over & over I offer to help. I'm always the first to say Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, happy any holiday. I even send out email cards or sometimes real cards in the mail but I NEVER ever get any back, I rarely get a happy any holiday w/o saying it first & I rarely if not ever can get help from my 'friends'. I feel like I bendover backwards to help everyone else, giving so much of my time & effort but I get very little thanks if any. I may get taken out to lunch or a simple 'thank you' which is real nice of them to do but that's all I ever get, never anyone to help me. I'm never the person someone calls up to say "hey we're going the the zoo, you wanna go? We'd sure love to have you..." or "hey, we're going trail riding, you wanna go, can you be here in an hour?" or "hey, we're going to the water park/amusement park, it's going to be fun, we'd luv to have you join us" & no matter if it's that or fishing or camping or the the skating rink or just going shopping for the day, no one ever calls me up & asks me to go but I ALWAYS call them & ask if they wanna go do something & they usually turn me down so I feel like they just don't really like me as a person or see me as a fun person to be around w/o giving me a chance. I even give them hand made gifts for birthday or Christmas but I never get anything from any of them. No, I don't really expect to, per se, get anything in return, I just enjoy giving but sometimes I feel it would be nice to know that they would give back but they don't. They too give me lame excuses why they can't spend time w/me or help me out. At work I even offered money if I could get a ride from anyone (at work) to p/u my car from the shop (this was at work when the car thing happened & they closed for the day before I'd get there after work) & no one at work would take me on their break to take me to get my car!...not even for money! It amazes me how much ppl take me for granted. I'm always the dependable one, always the one to offer help but no one seems to have any desire to reciprocate (give back). I'm to the point where I just don't wanna do that anymore. I feel like they're treating me like a fair weather friend but in reverse. They're nice to me if I do for them but not any other time. I know that my delimma is similar to yours & that's why I shared my frustration w/you, to let you know you're not alone! So I do apologize for rambling on so much but in answer to your question, if it were me, I'd start backing off of what you do for this person if you feel that's what you need to do. If she asks why, you can either just tell her, you expect her to help when you need it since you do so much for her but she seems to have lots of reasons why she can't help you or if you feel that's too harsh then just do what she does, say you just have too much on your plate right now can no longer accomodate her. The way you described the situation, it sounds like she is just taking advantage of your kindness & generocity & yes, giving to others is best but also, at times, you have to do what's best for you & yes, for your sanity! It's not fair that so many 'appreciate your help' but then be selfish in returning the favor. Sometimes ppl just are not raised to be taught to give back while that's a bit far-fetched I think it does happen. I think it'd be different if you were someone (or me for that matter) who mooched off of others, who never does anything...aka someone who's "lazy" & sits around while others did your work for you...but you have a legitimate reason for being upset & disappointed! You do so much for others & you 'should' feel like you can depend on those you help, to help you! As much as you help others, you have every right to expect the same when you're in need. I do wish you best wishes & I hope you found my reply supportive! Remember, while I totally agree w/you & I'm the same way in that I totally hate saying 'no' to someone who needs me, I enjoy being needed, sometimes you just have to decline once in a while for your own sake. Good luck!!!

I am the same way too or I was. My husband finally put his foot down and said no more and it stopped. I ocassionally will help out here and there if I can, but I will not change or rearrange my plans to help out. It is sad to say that, but I got tired of getting used.

I believe that relationship should be equal, no necessary on the same way but some how equal.
Let me explain, one of my aunts have tons of money, she is also most of the time a kind women. My mother doesn't have money, she lives well but day by day, she is also a great women, both of them love each other, and both of them are most of the time equal, but different.
My aunt has giving my mom many very expensive presents and help with money, my mom has being there for her in many health problems she has.
Even if they don't do the same things they try to be equal, but I think they love each other and is not a sacrifice for them.

I understand that your friend have 2 Autistic children, she is probably right that her hands are full, but does she helps you in other ways?

Don't stop being your self, but is nothing wrong to expect some kind of reciprocation, maybe is not money, or taking care of your kids maybe is just a meal that she cook and bring over you, or a phone call when you are sad, I don't know.

One last thing, there are people that can't appreciate a good heart and will take advantage, others just are kind of clueless, have you talk to your friend about your feelings?

I had to face reality that I was doing way too much for certain people. They never invited me to fun stuff, but were asking me favors. They also told me no when I needed help. I distanced myself and now don't babysit for those who won't babysit for me if I need it.

I am a Leo too and I completely understand you. You want to help everyone and you do! I would give your friends a little test every now and then. Ask them for help when it could help you--not when you are in dire need. Then if you get the idea that NO one is helping you in those circumstances but are asking you all the time, then it will be time for plan B. Message me then if you need another plan of attack. But for now--try that and see where it leads. You can always be honest and upfront and say----I need help. I need you to help me with ________. I have helped you on several occassions and this is your opportunity to help me now. Be blunt, be honest and don't hold back. If you can't tell your friends to get off their butts and help you, they are not real, true friends. Good luck!

M

I keep a magnet on a board near my desk that reminds me:

Stress occurs when your mind says, "No"
and your mouth says, "I'd be glad to".

I need that reminder often, sounds like maybe sometimes, you do too.

I also need reminding that by taking care of myself I am able to be a better wife, mother and friend. Being a good friend is really important, and if you are getting a good feeling from putting yourself out there, then that is your reward. If it is costing you in time, energy and productivity in a negative (to you personally and your family), then the cost maybe higher than the reward.

Life is a balancing act, every so often it is good to check in on if everything, all parts of you, feels in-balance.

I would say that yes you should still give to others, but only when it is truly convenient for you. That will help with the resentment factor surely. Don't bend over backward for someone at a time that is really inconvenient for you expecting them to do the same. Too bad people don't understand reciprocity...

i was once like you and i had to stop! people know you would help them at the drop of a hat or see they have a problem and you know will try and fix it for them and they never want to return the favor. so you will have to learn to say no. or say no sometimes. you say you get what you give, give yourself a break and you will get a piece of mind! help only nad i mean only if it;s an emergency and thats it! best wishes!

Two autistic children. I can understand why she "has a lot on her plate an d
is stressed." I would just help her out if you want and can. If it bothers you,
that she does not reciprocate, then do not take her children. You may want
to have a conversation about I will take your kids on Tues and Thurs so I
could do whatever, if you take mine on Mon and Wed. Try to come up with
a compromise.

You are going to have to say "NO" in helping for others to see what they have. I truly believe they don't mean to "use" but they are taking you for granted, and they will continue until you say "NO" a few times. The next time they ask when you are stressed, just say no and they will have to go to plan "B".

There is nothing wrong with saying "NO" either, you are still a loyal good person, and you are not passing an opportunity to do good, you are helping them to be good to you... YOU DESERVE IT!!!

You don't have to miss an opportunity "to be good" by taking care of yourself. I too have wonderful friends and we will do lots for each other but we are also honest with each other and we respect that about each other. Just speak up and tell the truth. Every mom can understand when that personal plate gets full and only you can determine when it needs to stop. It sounds like you're enabling some of your so-called friends and then you want to blame them with your inability to speak up. Speaking up for yourself is not bad vs. good.

Will you be my friend?! You are going to have to decide what you want to do. Try saying no to her once or twice and see how it makes you feel. If you don't like the way you feel then continue to help. Or just scale back some but not all. It is completely up to you. However, know going in she is not going to return the favor and you need to be sure you are okay with that. You are a very good friend and she is very lucky.

awe. i have the same problem it seems. dont let their faults become yours but you have to find the medium because you dont want to get used either.
try explaining this to your friend and go from there.

Your friend should have definitely watched your kids when you needed her to. And she even KNEW that you would have done it if she had asked you. So yes, I would definitely pull back with this friend. Friendship is a two way street. You don't take without giving.

I'm a Leo too. I know how you feel. I find that balance is key. I have many family members and a few great friends that will take my kids when needed. Now my kids are teens but still need supervision when we are on our adult overnights. Yes you may need to not be quite so willing to take on added responsibilities. It can become overwhelming to take on responsibilities yet not have anyone to turn to.

The beauty of having friends is that you get to choose them. Talk with your friends to get a sense of where they really are with helping you out and then make some decisions regarding your availability or the lack there of accordingly. It takes time to forge a solid friendship. Some friendships are only for a season while others are a lifetime but all have lessons to give to you for life. Live, learn and grow. As you grow your friendships will change too.

You need to learn that when you already have something on your plate that's important such as your spouse's birthday and a seriously serious work project that it's acceptable to say "NO" to people who ask you to do something for them. Real friends will understand and not only will they understand, they'll still like you. :-)

I do a lot for my friends and they do a lot for me. But we don't keep track of who does what or how often. We just... do for each other. If we're able and if we're free, we do what we can. If we're not available or if we're feeling overwhelmed at the time then we say so but also know that down the road it won't matter. So yes I'm a fan of reciprocation between friends, although it doesn't always happen on my desired timetable.

However, I also don't make it a habit to let certain friends walk all over me and use me. If you feel that this is a one-sided relationship and that it always has been then you might have some thinking to do about whether or not you want to distance yourself from this friend. If this is rare for her, then give her some time.

I have pretty much given up on most of my friendships because it was the same way. I expect to be given what I give. It's not to much to ask. Sure if there really isn't a way you can help, there is always next time, but the next time came around and the next and the next, and I never received help I deserved.
I say cut back on the friendship, stop doing nice things for her and concentrate on you and your own family. And if she steps up, yay!! if not, oh well.