One of, whom I would consider to be, my best friend has been a very bad friend to me the past six months. We've known each other for about two years. Now that she has a boyfriend for the past six months...it goes...her job....being up her boyfriend's a*s....her old friends that she has known longer....drinking....then somewhere in there....if she has a free moment in her oh so hectic schedule.....me. Her boyfriend lives with her and I am completely not jealous and so happy that she finally found someone and I do have other friends and a very busy schedule myself. But I am always the last person she commits any time to and I usually have to have her check her schedule ...which includes cruises...vacations....kayaking...camping with boyfriend...eating dinner with boyfriend.....hanging out with other couples, etc. I understand that lives get busy, god knows mine does, but I am starting to think that our friendship has run its course or that I need to distance myself a little. She does call me about once or twice a week but it's not the same as having someone give their time to you. I have been an extremely good friend to her and been there for her in very hard times. I need more from a friend then an occasional hour visit or phone call because that's all she has time for me. I've told her this before and she was upset and feels like she has so much on her plate but she puts it on herself. I mean , if she' s soooo swamped then maybe there is just no room in her life for me. She just can't seem to handle life and is always overwhelmed by it all and she has no children, no husband.
Am I just being a jerk? What would yo all do, think?
***Also, I should note, we live about two miles apart from each other.
I am not invited to "join in" on the fun.
I own my own home, have a great job, an amazing daughter, active life and good friends.
I just want to clear the air to everyone who is assuming that I am needy. That is absolutely not the case. I dont' have time to be needy. But if someone wants to label me their BEST Friend and be so needy of me and never happy with her life ..she is NOT out having the time of her life...she is miserable after going on a week long cruise...she is miserable because her boyfriend doesnt' do this and that....if anyone is needy it is her. She wants me to be a best friend to her without getting anything in return.
i dont get how she's a horrible friend. she calls 2 times a week stops over and visits. It seems you have a child and she does not so now that she found a new croud she's enjoying the "kidless" fun. Why not get a babysitter and join in? Do you expect her to cancel cruises or vacations to hang out? sounds like she's having the time of her life. Be happy for her
Please don't take this the wrong way, but your post comes across making you sound really needy. You mention how you were there for her during some really hard times, and that's all well and good. But it sounds as if now, you NEED her to NEED YOU. Perhaps she doesn't want to dwell on whatever it was that was so difficult for her, and you have her boxed into this "needy person" role. She doesn't sound needy now. But you do.
If she is not stepping up to fill whatever role it is you think she should fill, then accept that she isn't willing to play that part, and move on. Let the friendship go.
I had several friendships that the other party was having tough times, and I was there for them. Always. But they were not able to step up and reciprocate when I needed something. Especially if it was just time. Sure, it hurts. But that is how life goes sometimes.
There are some friends we have for a season, some for a lifetime. It sounds like maybe the seasons have changed on your friendship. Sorry. Expect a LOT less from her. You are not the same priority to her that she is to you. Either accept it and maintain what remains, or let it go.
You say you aren't jealous, but it does seem to be that you are a bit.
When you say ' I need more from a friend then an occasional hour visit or phone call because that's all she has time for me'. Why not? What more do you need? What do you want her to do that she isn't doing?
You consider her a friend, but aren't satisfied with her just touching base from time to time. To me that is being a friend. At least she is keeping you in mind. She could be ignoring you altogether.
I think you need more from a friendship than she is able to give. In order to preserve your sanity, you can mentally downgrade her from "best friend" status to "surface friend or casual friend" It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
I have good friends I don't talk to for weeks or months at a time. We're all busy with our own lives and have other friends and relationships to tend to. That's life.
Busy yourself and find other friends and focus on your kids if you have any. And realize that friendships ebb and flow like anything else. I don't mean to be harsh, but you sound very needy and a little junior highish about all of this. Perhaps she just can't handle that kind of relationship right now.
We were just talking about this the other night when I went out for dinner and drinks with a couple of my girlfriends! One of the girls was complaining about how she never sees her friend Rachel anymore because she's got a new boyfriend. We were all laughing about it because it is so true! Whether a woman is 18 or 40 once she gets a new guy it's almost impossible to get together with her!!!
This is why it's important to have a wide circle of friends. I've had friends ebb and flow in and out of my life over the years for many reasons. The women I was with the other night? I hardly ever talked to them at all when my kids were little. There were lots of missed calls and halfhearted attempts to get together. They were still working and single and living in the city and I was stuck out in the suburbs so we were just living different lives. But when we get back together it's like we pick up right where we left off!
It's perfectly normal for friends to come in and out of your life. And the ones who only come back when they need something? Well, you'll learn to let those relationships go. So not worth it :(
You've only been friends for two years, so you wouldnt' necessarily be priority at this point.
Friendships have seasons. Yours hasn't been here long enough for you to have a "seasoned" rhythm yet.
You seem to be needy yourself or want her to need you. She is showing her interest by calling you once or twice a week. That's actually a lot for a person with a full ife. It sounds like you two were pretty inseparable for a year or so, and then she got her feet under her. You should probably do the same.
I wouldn't say you're being a jerk, but you're not trying very hard to see things from her point of view.
My best friend and I have been BFFs for 15 years. She's single, unmarried, no kids, never had a job, parents pay all her bills, and she's working on her masters. Obviously she thinks she should be the center of my universe.
I'm a married mother of two (third on the way), my husband and I both work full time, and our kids both participate in multiple extra-curriculars. The weekends are usually dedicated to either family time or home improvement. My social life is pretty much non-existent.
You say your friend calls you once or twice a week? That's WAY more than I call my BFF. I send her texts now and then to tell her I love her or I'm thinking about her, but she has learned that a social life is not even in the top 5 of my priorities right now.
Obviously she's not meeting your needs, and it's ok for you to be upset about that, but don't hold it against her. She's living her life. Be happy for her that she's in love. Text her now and then to tell her you are thinking about her. Don't pressure her, it will just cause her to resent you. When life settles down, she'll know you were always there for her, even when she wasn't.
In the meantime, just accept that she can't be the friend youneed her to be. But don't give up. Because you also need to be the friend SHE needs YOU to be.
I don't think you are being a jerk. I just think you miss your friend. But honestly, if she still calls you weekly...... then I know she still cares about you. I don't speak to my longest and dearest friends on a weekly basis.
Things change. I am glad you are happy for your friend. Treasure her and understand that she has less time. I bet if you called her and said you were in a crisis she would be there for you. If you agree..... you have a good friend and it would be a shame to pull away from that.
New boyfriend means different priorities. People change when they get into new relationships. If you don't like the change then take yourself out of the equation. I don't hang out with anyone besides family. And the only real good friend I have texts me when she wants to talk as I do with her. The only phone conversations I have are with my husband or my mom. And none of my other friends seem to mind this. But I do have two small children too.
All relationships ebb and flow, even marriages. Friendships are no different and even if I have not talk to my best friend in two months, when we get together, we have a blast. That's all that matters. Don't actively let the friendship go, suggest places to go if you want to do it, not because you are trying to get her attention. If she says she can't, she can't. Go do it anyway. Always great to make new friends (as hard as it is for us, especially when we grow older) but not impossible. Just let it go and do your own thing, your friendship will be as it should be. Don't force it away and don't force it to be together.
I understand the whole, "I'm the last person on her schedule" thing. With my husband, it's horrible and wrong. With my best friend, no big deal. I will always be there when she wants to go out. We both understand with marriage and kids that we both put our personal families first.
Perhaps you should see things more from her perspective. I don't think she's doing anything wrong as a friend from what you've described. She sounds like a good friend to me, not at all like a bad friend. If what you need is more face time and one-on-one time where she invites you out, then maybe YOU ought to start planning things and inviting her instead of being a wallflower.
You don't sound like a jerk, per se, but you do sound jealous. Of course her life is busier with a recently acquired live-in boyfriend. It sounds like she's doing a pretty great job of trying to give all of her friends equal attention. That's what good friends do.
For the record, it's okay to be jealous or envious and need more from particular relationships. What matters is how you try to fix it.
Sometimes that happens with friends. They get boyfriends, get married, have kids, etc. and suddenly they have no time for friends.
If she's really a friend, she will either make time for you (she should invite you on one of her trips!) or both of you will be okay with seeing each other occasionally.
I have friends that I make time for. Schedules DO get busy, but if you care about a person you MAKE TIME. Sometimes we just meet up for shopping--but it isn't fun shopping, more like school clothes shopping for the kids! But we can grab a bite to eat in the middle.
I also have friends that I haven't seen in years. We're just too far apart or too busy. We make due with the occasional phone call. Heck, my best friend from high school I haven't seen in YEARS! I talk to her maybe once a year? But it's always just like old times when we do talk. Both of us are still friends, that's just how we are.
If this friendship isn't what you want, then maybe you both need to find new friends. She may need a friend who isn't so needy, and you may need a friend who likes getting together often.
Good luck!
You can't help feeling how you feel so if you think this friendship has run it's course then by all means cut back on your time together and move on to something that meets your needs. It sounds like right now you two are leading 2 different lifestyles with different priorities. That doesn't make her a bad person it just means that she's taking a different path in life. Some people are friends forever but most friendships last for only a short time.
Time to move on.
She has.
I think you are just feeling the ramifications of her having a new boyfriend.
It's just like in HS....right? Your BFF has a new boyfriend, ignores you, you get hurt, the newness wares off...etc. He and everything about him is new, she is "in love" and wants to revel in it. Don't say you are not jealous, because you are...maybe not of her new boyfriend, but most certainly of the fact he takes her time away from you. We have all experienced this in one way or another. I think you need to step away and give her the space she needs. Some women know how to balance the boyfriend and the BFF's, some not so much. You say that you've been a good friend through "her very hard times", well, be a good friend in her very happy time. If you feel so strongly about it still, sit and talk to her and be honest for heaven's sake. She's your friend right, so just tell her how you feel and tell her you miss her!! Regardless of the outcome, YOU will have the answer you are looking for.
I don't think you're being a jerk at all . . . it just sounds like you're in different times and seasons of your lives.
I'd probably stay in touch - loosely - and see what happens down the road. She may get to where you are in life and she may not. Time will tell. Some friendships are brief and some are long. The best friendships are two-way streets imho, but sometimes it can be more one-sided for a bit due to life circumstances.
Another note - make sure you're not "big-sissing" all your friendships. I did that for awhile (I'm the oldest so it's a bad habit).
Good luck - <<hugs>>
