Am I Controlling?

I could have written that! LOL
You know what everyone says: Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Now you know, so try to back off about certain things.

(Note: When I try to do this is backfires miserably...went to see a play and did not specifically TELL my hubby to give DS alergy meds at bedtime -- he SEES me give them to him EVERY night--did he do it that night? Nope. Sigh.)

my husband tells me silly things like that sometimes and it drives me crazy because I am the one taking care of the kids 90% of the time. Do I look like an idiot? have I ever been unable to care for them? He'll tell me really obvious stuff like what you are saying to your husband... like to wear a coat.
Should I not let them play with knives or lighters too? Darn! that was on my agenda for today! LOL... just kidding, but you get my point.

I think I would only remind him of the not obvious (and very important) stuff, like if they had medication that needed to be taken. But nothing is going to happen if they don't have a jacket one day or if they don't wash their hands. They will survive!

Dads and moms do thing differently, that's part of growing up with two parents.
He doesn't need "reminders," he is an adult. So what if the kids have a jacket if they don't need it? And they won't die from one missed handwashing (or the occassional sunburn, junk food, etc.)
You know that saying, don't sweat the small stuff? This is it, don't sweat it! Enjoy the BIG picture, as in, HE IS INVOLVED!!! :)

I think perhaps you need to try to put yourself in his shoes. What you're doing in contradicting him in front of the kids is undermining him to your children and humiliating him in front of them. He is pissed off not because you're reminding him of something important, but because you're making him look like an idiot in his mind, in front of the children.

He really does need that to stop. You need to find external ways that don't come from you to help the situation if it really is something that is common to every day life. Maybe you make up a "Are you ready to head out?" check list that gets posted by the door that you encourage the kids themselves to go through any time that they're getting ready to leave. And then if he needs it, it's there for him too.

But you really do need to not contradict him in front of the kids. What is the worst that happens if they take a jacket when they didn't need it? Nothing really. They might learn from it.

Before asking any of these questions, ask yourself what the worst consequence is for failure or doing it wrong. If the answer is not something like "The child's infection relapses" then you probably don't need to say it, and he would appreciate feeling respected and allowed to learn on his own.

Also, if you value your marriage, take what he says to be what he feels, whether you agree with it or not. Choosing to believe random people on here who say "no, you're not controlling" while it might make you feel better about yourself, will be damaging to your marriage if you believe them over his feelings on the subject. Right or wrong matters much less than the fact that this is how it feels to him, and he needs a resolution to a pattern that's hurting his feelings, even if you hate that he calls it that or needs it.

i think that if you respect him and you obviously trust him since you married and had kids with him, you should let him make his own decisions about things that have to do with the kids. imagine how you would feel if he constantly gave you "friendly reminders" on how to act with and raise your own kids. I know i have a better intuition than my husband and i feel that as a woman we have a better feeling about things that have to due with nurturing and caring for the little ones. but if a man is trying to be a good dad and as you said he is a good dad, why not let him have at it and make decisions also. he is their primary care giver too if you are both living in a single household as a single family. unless he is doing something that you think will hurt the child then i think you should take the time they are with their dad and read a book, take a breather, relax and take a long shower. let dad be a dad and you will see what a well rounded person you end up raising because he got the best of two people. good luck

I wouldn't characterize you as "controlling" as much as I would say "micro-managing." The implication is, the micro-manager does not believe the "micro-managee" to be competent enough to fulfill a given task or role in his own way. If you, the micro-manager, trusted that your husband could adequately maintain your children's health and well-being, the minute details would not require such scrutiny.
Instead of saying, "Please make sure you wash their hands before lunch," I would simply ask when we are about to eat, "Could you please take them to wash their hands?" It comes across more like a request from one equal partner to another than an instruction. I have also been in a position similar to his, because Grandma babysits while I am working. Yes, I spend the day at work, but there is a definite difference between simply telling me my child hasn't eaten dinner yet and adding a comment like, "You'll need to feed her when you get home." Really? If she hasn't eaten I should feed her? I always smile and nod, but the implication is infuriating. Before you make comments like, "His diaper is dirty. He will need to be changed," please hold back and ask yourself whether he really would not have figured an appropriate course of action on his own. Or, if you do not feel like changing it yourself, just ask, "Hey, could you change his diaper for me?"
Also, if you have a routine for naptime, bedtime, etc., just defer to the routine and you won't need to say anything at all. If tooth-brushing is part of the bedtime routine, then your husband will brush the children's teeth when he puts them to bed. If his choices differ from yours (i.e., which shirt your child will wear today) and it's not that serious, let your husband be the adult too. Your children's fond memories of your husband's active role in their lives will benefit the kids far more than an extra handwashing or two.

No you are not a "controlling wife", you are Mom. My husband tells me often that I make him feel like an idiot when I give him "direction", but the kids are usually ours to take care of and it's hard for us to let someone else do what we consider to be our realm of expertise. It would be like us going to his office and telling him what to do. The hardest thing to do is bite our tongues and let the guys be Dad without direction. They will learn soon enough.

To be completely blunt, you are treating your husband as though he's an incompetent idiot. He's right to resent it, and I would too if I were in his shoes.

A friend of mine once criticized how her husband was changing their child's diaper. He never changed a diaper after that.

Unless you want to find yourself without a partner to raise your children - keep your mouth shut. Even if your husband does "screw up" the kids will be fine.

I think any one of us mothers could have written that. I just try to remember that sometimes life can be the best teacher. If he puts a jacket on the kids when it is warm then he will be holding it while they are playing at the park. Next time he will remember that this was not such a good idea. If they get cavities from not brushing their teeth then let him take them to the dentist. He will make sure that they brush their teeth. When it come to the hand washing I would teach the kids that germs will make us sick and we need to get rid of germs. It is really hard for a mother to step aside but I do feel that your husband wants to have a little part in raising the kids. Good luck!!

If it bothers your husband when you make those suggestions than don't make them. Your husband needs to parent HIS way when it is his time. If its too hot for a jacket your kids will take it off. No permanent damage has been done by eating lunch with dirty hands (my brother ATE worms and he is still alive!). It doesn't sound controlling to you but to him you are judging his parenting skills. Relax. I know it is hard but he will resent you and stop doing anything if you continue.

He is also their primary caregiver, not just you. Find ways to value that. Drop the nagging, let him make his own discoveries regarding jackets, hand-washing, etc...those are statements you make to a babysitter, not to another parent. How many friends would you give reminders to like that with their own kids, even if you had other ideas about it? It is not your "right" to ask him once in awhile to do things a certain way, because that "right" is called being a single parent:)

You're not controlling; you're micro-managing. I know this because I'm the same way and my husband always teases me about it. Make an effort to stop being micro-managing (really, does he HAVE to be reminded to brush their teeth before bed?) and only stepping in when you think it's really going to matter (Like "it's really cold out, I think they need jackets.")
Phrasing things in a different way could also allay some of the problem. Why don't you tell your SON to go wash his hands before dinner instead of giving your husband some direction on it?
As for your husband, I definitely think he's being a little overly-sensitive and dramatic. I don't think he even knows what a truly controlling wife is if he thinks THIS is being controlling.
I didn't read any of the other responses so I don't know if I just repeated a whole bunch of things that you were already told, but there's my two cents.

I don't think you are being controlling. My husband does things I wouldn't dream of, but I have learned that just because we don't do it the same, it isn't necessarily harmful and I have to let it go. I remember it drove me crazy because for 6 yrs he would put diapers on backwards, he even had my MIL doing it that way. I find myself reminding him of things too every now and then, and he will get upset and say, "I have watched them myself before you know." If it isn't going to hurt the child, let it go.

well, you have the 'right' and can certainly exercise it. but he's made it clear that he doesn't appreciate it. so is exercising your 'right' working? whether or not you're controlling isn't the issue, it is whether or not you are communicating effectively with your partner, a spouse you agree is a good one. so why not make a little extra effort and figure out ways of communicating with him that don't offend him? is he worth it?
khairete
S.

Well a few more points to make beyond those already there.
First you have to answer for yourself "do you trust him with the kids" - as one lady pointed out that she could not trust your husband, and if it is your case, then the issue is different.
But if you do, then yes, pick your battles. And re-word. Re-phrase, re-orient. Asking your kids can be one way (if they are big enough), but asking him too. Do you think they need a sweater? asked in a genuine way, not in a rethoric manner.
My husband and I have been there. He wants to be involved. He rushes from work to see and bathe the kids before they go to bed. And still at times, he stands there, in a lunatic way, waiting for the next step. Sometime, I leave him figure it out (thinking that while he might still be at work in his head, my sons might ask him for something, or he might just take a couple more minutes for things to get done). Yes some things might be missing in the routine, but so what.
It took me a while to accept that my "controlling behavior" (which I perceived as wanting the good for my kids) was nagging to him. But as my husband travels a lots ( three or four days most weeks), then it means that when he is away things have to be done a certain way or I feel things go astray. I have learned to relax more if things are a bit "off schedule" and if we are not having exactly everything as usual (when we are both together doing things with both kids).
On his side I know he has made efforts to see that I mean no harm, and that I am not "his mom" as he often felt. He also (at my request) do not rush home (even if he is there 90% of the time he is not traveling) but I wanted him to know that he is better coming home with his head fully there than being physically present and mentally absent. And the other thing is that by leaving him more space, he actually started to seek more my support.
He also - not at my request - tries to do more on his own - that means not only taking the kids out, but packing the diaper bag, preparing the food, not only feeding them, getting the bed routine done by himself. He is good and caring, and yes, socks do not match the t-shirts, and their face are dirty, but they have their medicine on time, and they eat well. I care about the essential, and trust that he will be taking care of them the best he can. And he does.
He also has learned to be more appreciative of my intentions - and seek my advice at times. I think the hardest for us is behind, these days we have found a better way to appreciate each other. It was really hard at some point, really difficult to appreciate what each other was going through.

good luck!

I wouldn't call you controlling, but if you trust him enough to marry him and have children with him, then trust that he has your kids' best interests in mind. I don't think that letting him be Dad without your telling him how to do it is unreasonable. Do you do it in front of the kids? That could be a real issue there. The kids see this and then he's no longer Dad, he's just another person in the house taking direction from Mom.

He'll figure out that it's warm enough for them to go without jackets, he knows that teeth need brushing and honestly, not washing your hands before lunch is really no big deal. Yes, when you're "running things" do it your way and it could happen that he'll pick up on them and do it that way, too.

I don't think either of you is right or wrong here. I think that you're both trying to parent the same kids with possibly different styles. If you want to tell him something, or "give advise", make sure you pull him aside, out of ear shot of little ears. As much as he gets defensive about you telling him what to do it sounds like you get defensive when he tells you that what he hears is, "I obviously know more about parenting than you do so here's how you need to do it, Dummy." You don't have to say it, but I'll tell you that's what he hears.

Oh, and I know this because it's the same thing in my home. It has taken a lot more self control and letting go of Mommy pride to let my husband parent the way he sees fit. Nobody is getting hurt when Dad's way is different from Mom's.

Wow, this sounds almost identical to me and my husband. I will ask him 1 time to do something, 2 weeks will go by and I will nicely ask him again and he will say I'm being a controlling nag! I do the same as you, say it very nicely and carefully and withhold a lot of things I WANT to say, knowing he's so sensitive to this stuff.

However, when it comes to kids, sometimes you have to give him a chance to make the decision on his own. He may have every intention of washing the kids hands before lunch, but when you tell him to do it prior, he may feel like you aren't putting the trust in him to make that call.

He may not always make the right decision (brushing teeth before bed for example) but at least he is making an effort and being a good dad.

I think perhaps you two need to talk about your fighting style. It's detrimental to bring up trivial things, especially things from the past. Perhaps next time he tries to go that route, just say something along the lines of,

"honey, I love you, and you know I only just want the best for our kids. I know you do to, so I'll work on that, but you need to work on understanding that I say these things because I need to know from my own anxiety that it's going to get done. But for now, let's keep this discussion on the matter at hand so we can resolve it and move forward."

Then, give him a hug ;)

no, you're a concerned mom. controlling and concerned are fused into one in man's brain.
my husband is very hands on dad, very playful, energetic, and wants to spend every waking time with our kids when he's not working. my kids are five. they're yet to go to park alone with my husband. i wish i could allow him to take them but he just don't understand what kids need. he understands what kids want, and he will gladly do it, but what they need is not in his perception yet.
example, i'll give you minor things and major things: my husband gets dressed in pretty warm stuff, so he feels warm so he doesn't think our kids need jackets. (they need jackets).
hats: he doesn't believe kids need hats when it's windy out (they're not going out without hats on).
my husband adds chips to their sandwiches (he calls chips carbs :)
my husband things chocolate milk is healthy dinner (read: only chocolate milk)
major: one of our daughters had major surgery this year. major. snow falls a week after her surgery. i was taking a shower. we had a long list of things my daughter couldn't do, which pretty much meant she had to sit and not do anything for 6-8 weeks). i was in the shower for ten minutes. i come downstairs and find he had dressed my daughter in a snowsuit wanting to take her out in snow. this is a week after her surgery. my heart stopped. it's not that he doesn't care. it's because he doesn't think further than what's in front of his eyes, which in this case was snow and my daughter saying she wanted to go play in snow. her whole head was in bandages, and yes, she had a snowsuit on. no, they didn't go out in snow, but i ended up taking motrin to calm down my headache that exploded after i saw what he had planned.
so i will not allow my husband to take my kids anywhere without me. i just don't trust him. he doesn't call me controlling, he calls me neurotic. i am ok with that if that means my kids are safe.
i hope one day he will learn and i will relax but i am not holding my breath.

No, I don't think you are being controlling at all. You are their primary caregiver and sometimes giving your husband or whomever is with the children a little reminder should not be such a big deal. Yes, if the reminders become excessive or if you are negating what your husband says or does in front of the childen, I can see how that could be controlling.
However, throwing in a little courtesy reminder every now and then to wash the children's hands is not going to make you a "controlling wife".

I see I'm rather late in responding to this... however, I'll say something anyway...

I think it is important to have a positive conversation with your husband about the raising of the children. If he has a concern, he should feel free to discuss it with you. You should be able to do the same. We refer to this as "being on the same page and raising the kids together".

A SAHM is around the kids around the clock (I am a SAHM). They are used to you doing things a certain way. A routine. It is really helpful to the kids if you do things the same way, especially when they are young. If your husband is having trouble taking this extra information, I wonder if he's really just reacting to a negative feeling of not being involved enough. Or of not being trusted to be competent enough.

Be sure you thank your husband for taking care of the kids and make positive comments when he thinks of something you don't. That will help him feel important in their lives and helpful. He doesn't want to feel like just the bread winner, and he doesn't want to feel like he isn't able to be a good dad. Although we know that isn't in question, he may. A little praise can go a LONG long way. If he thinks to bring the jackets on a chilly night (even if you already thought of it), consider saying, "oh, good idea, it may get cold". Then he gets validation that he's doing a good job. I know it sounds silly, but I think it is probably very difficult to be a father with a SAHM wife and feel like an outsider because his time is so little in comparison.

Rather than telling him to wash the kids hands, let him get them to the table and then ask, "oh, did everyone wash hands?" That gives him the chance to think of it on his own, and if he forgets, you aren't controlling him, you're simply asking if everyone is ready. If he takes them out with jackets and it's warm out, let him go... he can carry the jackets if they take them off. What he is doing that you want to "assist with" isn't going to hurt the kids. I'd still follow up on the tooth brushing... things you can't easily fix after the fact and things that have an impact. But maybe you could make a comment like, "hmmm, it's going to take a bit to get this guy down, we still need teeth brushed and stories...".

If your husband is sensitive to this, it is possible he is just feeling like you don't trust him to be a good dad and he just needs reassurance. I've watched a lot of SAHM's belittle their husband's abilities when their friends are around. It's almost like they want to feel important about how important their job is, so they show off that their husbands can't handle it. I've seen the hurt in those husband's eyes. I try to keep that in mind and always say positive things (unless he did something super funny and we can all laugh along). (It's also important to say positive things about your children when they are near instead of telling your friends all the bad stuff they did... but that's another topic altogether.)

I just thought it might help to keep in mind a different point of view. Show your husband how much you value him and that he is a competent dad and you trust him to be a dad. He'll love you for it!
Liz

My friend and her husband have this issue alot, but there are no problems between my husband and me. Even when I tell my husband to brush the kids' teeth because I don't want to and if he doesn't do it then it's not getting done, he gets up and brushes them with no word said (and it goes that same for him to me). Majority of the time we are able to read each other's emotions and understand what needs to be done. My husband and I truly feel (I can only speak for myself though) that we are each other's best friends. I feel stress plays a major role for blowing up over nothing. When my mom says little things...I blow up at her. It angers me, I feel she's picking on me and all the above. Most of these feelings come from feeling that we're not equals and that I'm constantly getting picked on. (It's just the rode that the relationship has gone down)

So no, you're not controlling in my mind. It's just conflicting personalities.

remember pick your battles wisely. first of all what is it going to hurt if he puts a jacket on them when its warm. so they get hot. not worth the battle they will say daddy I'm hot. instead of saying' please make them wash thier hands" ask the kid if they did wash thier hands and ask the kid if he brushed his teeth. your not actually controlling he just percieves it that way. Men take these directions as saying they are incapable without you. I very highly suggest men are from mars women are from venus. I learned alot from this book after I got divorced. If i had of read the book I might still be married but I doubt it.

the author of this book puts it in plain english women can understand. You are being a good mother but he may feel like you are mothering him too. pick your battles wisely some battles just arent worth it. If their clothes dont match its not worth the fight. change the clothes either the pants or top and say it was dirty he got dirt on it. you still get your way and hes none the wiser. all kids go through the cowboy boots and shorts but if he lets them wear them dont raise cain about it everyother kid thier age is doing it too. I think this is like 2nd grade. all parents understand believe me the whole 2nd grade class is doing it and its cool so the kids think. just reword what you want to ASK. and instead of nagging him(which is what he percieves this as) ask the kids. they have to get used to doing it on thier own anyway. start them young and it will be second nature. and this way your not "controlling" him.

He is an adult. You picked him to be the father of your children. I wouldn't give him any type of reminder. Let him do it his way, and you can do it your way. You wouldn't like it if he gave you a "friendly reminder" You may not think it's a bad thing but he does. Wife is not spelled M O T H E R.

T., I say this with love (and from experience) if you have to ask you are. But i will tell you it is not a bad thing. Know your power and use it to build the life and the family you want. You are a decisive woman, you know what you want and you speak your mind. Do what is best for you kids and the rest will fall into place. It always does.

B.
Family Success Coach
Married 24 years