Almost 4 Year Old Daughter Refuses to Be a Flower Girl

Here's my parental strategy for many issues I have encountered with 5 daughters and 2 stepkids: the first thing you do is let the kid off the hook. Tell them they absolutely do not HAVE to do whatever it is. Then move on from there, telling them why they might want to. She will probably want to do it when she things about how much fun it might be, to look pretty and make people smile. You can put it in that context - how happy it will make the bride and other people for her to be a part of the wedding. But if she really doesn't want to I would not ever force it. It's just not important enough. I have been at a wedding where the ringbearer clearly did not want to be there, stomped down the aisle, threw the pillow at his mother who was a bridemaid and said, "Don't ever make me do this again." It was embarrassing for the mother, a jarring moment and definitely not charming in any way, not to mention being on video for posterity. Some kids love to be on show, some don't. Respect that.

I agree 100% with Suzy B. Don't force it, she may just get to the wedding totally refuse. Is you niece ready to be without a flower girl if she does that. You need to tell you niece, because no matter what anyone ways on this forum you will not know how she will act till the actually moment comes.

I hope all goes well.

I had this problem about 6 or 7 years ago. I had to buy my son a battery powered 4-wheeler to get him to be a ring bearer! Bad tactic I know, but worked like a charm.

Do YOU want to enjoy the wedding? If so, follow your daughter's lead and say no. Otherwise you will probably end up in the hallway (if she balks beforehand or even worse- if she creates a scene at the altar) and will miss the wedding entirely.

Ask me how I know.

I wish I had said 'no' when asked if my daughter could be in a wedding. She was just too young.

Hi Gail,
I don't think I would have given her an choice, or try to convince her. I would have emphasized the fact that this is very special and a priviledge to be part of it. When you meet next week and now she realized she has an option, don't go through with it if she throws in resistance. You don't want that part of the wedding ruined. You have done everything right up to the point of making it a choice. It is not about her, it is about your niece. P. H

If she does not want to do it, please do not force her to do it. Weddings do not need to have flower girls in them.

I agree with another poster that recommended to take her to the dress shopping as a final "are you sure you don't want to do this" step. Give her one last chance, so to speak, to decide if this is for her or not.

I bet your niece would rather have a peaceful wedding day as opposed to a screaming, cranky 4 year old who refuses to walk down the aisle or behave appropriately for the ceremony. Raise these concerns with your niece before making it final. Remember, the day is all about your niece and her future husband and not the flower girl.

Perhaps, you could let her see what it would be like to be a flower girl. Have her dress up in a special dress.
First, get permission from your Pastor/Priest. After church service (when crowd is gone), you could have your daughter walk down the aisle with a basket (maybe toss some silk flower heads).

Show her your wedding ceremony and maybe she'll want to try.

If she is a shy child, I wouldn't make her go through with something that she isn't comfortable with (I was extremely shy as a child).

It would be better to let your niece know now, than to scramble for a replacement last minute.

Good luck!

We had asked our friends 5 year old daughter to be our flower girl and at first she said no thank you very politlely and we talked her into it later but I wish we hadn't. She ran down the ailse as fast as she could and plopped down beside her mom and there she stayed. There is maybe one picture of her coming down the ailse. She looked beautiful but she was scowling in most of the pictures because she really did not want to do it. I also remember being in my aunts wedding as a child also something I did not want to do. When it came time to transport us all to the reception I was seperaed from my mom (not a good idea at the time) and I got so upset I threw up and even though I was very little I still remember how upset every one was and how embarrassed I was.
On the up side my daughters were flower girls for a friend of mine and they really wanted to be in the wedding and they loved it and had a wonderful time! I think you should be sure of what your child wants and not push it. This is not a lesson or something that can be canceled if it does not work out. This is supposed t be the brides best day and once it is all in motion (dresses rehersals ect) there is no turning back.

A practice run at your church would be a good thing, but it is nothing compared to the real thing when everybody in the entire church is staring at her as she walks down the aisle. Even if she makes it through the trial run, the real thing might be too much. I think 4 is a little young to be flower girl. They do look cute, but it's a lot to expect from a little person. I've been to a wedding where the little flower girl was freaked out and it wasn't fun for anybody. I think you should let your niece know about your concerns and give her time to find an older child to do the job.

If I were the bride, I would not lay my expectations for a 'perfect' wedding in the hands of a 4 yr old flower girl :) I cannot recall a single wedding ceremony where the ring bearer or flower girl cooperated :) It's part of the charm of the role...

If she refuses to walk down the aisle, that would be ok with me. as the bride I would talk to the flower-girl-to-be and say how much I would love for her to be part of my wedding, and that I want her to be in all the pictures, so I can remember how beautiful she is, and I just know she's going to love her big white (or pink or yellow or whatever) dress!

I wouldn't look at it as forcing her... maybe explain to the bride that she is scared so she can adjust her expectations... and just reassure your daughter that she doesn't have to walk down if she doesn't want to, but that she will look so beautiful she will want to show everybody her big pretty dress! Keep up the positive highlights, and make sure the bride doesn't expect perfection from her and everybody will be fine :)

Good luck!

When my sister was four years old she suddenly refused to be the flower girl at my aunt's wedding because she "didn't want to get married". My mom explained to my aunt that my sister was reluctant and my aunt asked me to do it instead (I was seven and understood better). It was somewhat last minute, but we were able to find a dress and everything was fine. I think you and your niece might be better off if the flower girl wanted to do it rather than was being forced. Your daughter might even say she's okay with it then end up being scared when she sees all those people watching her. I think your niece would rather you be up front with her than have a screaming child during the ceremony...I know I would! Good Luck!!

Even though you are reading books to her, she might not quite understand what is in store when she is a flower girl.

As others have suggested, I would take her to shop for the dress. Perhaps the bride can try on HER dress so they could stand together in the mirror? If your daughter will try on dresses, take pictures and lots of them!! Then, you can write a book on your home computer and use the pictures of her in the dress. Take pictures of other people she knows who will be involved in the wedding. Incorporate their photos into the story. Take pictures of the church where the wedding will be. Scan your wedding pictures and use them in the story. Explain in that story what her job is... and why she is important. Use pictures of her too. She might be more interested in the story if it is about her.

I did this with my son, when he was asked to stand up in a wedding with his cousin (4 months older). We also read him published stories. He wasn't too thrilled about the tuxedo, but he wore it. He grabbed his cousin's hand and marched up that aisle like a pro.

Right now, she probably doesn't know enough about what is expected of her to decide. That, and it's just easier to say "no." If she sparks with the dress, then go with it.

Here's the deal: Even kids who are interested in doing the job change their minds at the very last minute. If that happens, don't make a big deal about it. Let her have that option. It certainly beats a tantrum and tears. Let the bride know too... when you work with kids, you never know what to expect... and that goes with having them in your wedding!

Good luck, enjoy it and have fun!

This is a hard age for children. I would offer her a reward(something she really really wants) and tell her that it will not take long and as soon as she is done the reward is hers. u could start by having her practice holding a basket with fake flowers and tossing them in ur own house and giving her little things(like a sucker,Bubbles,stickers,etc.) for a job well done.Then build up to the final act and the big reward.Good luck.

I think the advice you have gotten so far pretty much sums it up. I was at a wedding where the flower girl did walk down the aisle, but would not cooperate during pictures. She was squezing her cheeks, laying down, sticking her tongue out, etc. They were all trying to coach her in to cooperating, I was thinking just take her out and be done with it. When my 2 year old was aked to be my sisters flower girl I said she'll either do it or she won't - we laughed as we remembered the wedding I was talking about. My sister asked me if I wanted her to ask one of the other brides maids daughter who is a little older to do it. I said I don't mind buying the stuff, you just have to be prepared that she may not want to walk down the aisle or be in the pictures. My husband was waiting at the back of the church to 'save the day' had she acted out, but she didn't. She had a great time, she loved the wedding, the limo ride, the pictures and dancing with her cousin at the reception. We did have a friend pick her up and take her home to the sitter as soon as the duties were over so that there would be no melt downs at the reception. Good Luck! I am sure she'll do fine. You should let your niece know what to expect just so that she isn't mortified on her wedding day when emotions are already running very high!

Dear Gail

First of all I would tell your niece the possibility of her choice of Flower girl getting cold feet. Maybe the bride can choose two girls and if your daughter bails at least the bride has one flower girl. I had two and they truly supported each other. My own daughter was a flower girl and milked the moment all the way up the aisle. :)

Bring your daughter to a church wedding in your area and let her get a glimpse of her role in action. You know bring the book alive. Let your niece have some quality time with her and show your daughter how much it means to the bride that she is saying yes to being a flower girl.

After that if she still wants to not go through with it understand her feelings and support her because there are two people's feelings you are needing to handle with care - the bride and the flower girl. Hope this helps.

If she's an attention hound like my girls are just tell them it's a special day and they get to do a special task - and make sure they know they will have their picture taken! That by itself would be reason enough for my kids to do it (and has been). I made such a big deal about my then 5 year-old stepdaughter being a flower girl she still has the dress and she's ten. Besides I have never yet met a child who wasn't thrilled with the prospect of making a mess (flowers on the floor) on purpose!

With young children and weddings, I think you just have to take the "wait and see" route. Both of my daughters were flower girls this past weekend in my brother's wedding. They are 8 and 5 1/2 so it was something they both really were excited about. There was another little girl who was two, though. She did well at the rehearsal and then froze, ran down the aisle, dropping her flower basket full of petals, and fell on her face. She didn't cry but it illustrates my point of seeing how it all plays out. I would say buy your daughter the dress but don't make a big deal about it. Chances are she will want to do it once she gets caught up in the big day. She'll have time to warm up to the idea. You would hate to have her flat out NOT do it just because talking about it now makes her say no, wouldn't you? Kids are funny with what they think they won't do. I swear it's just for control. My 5 1/2 year old is the QUEEN of control! Good luck!

Hi Gail, don't make a big deal of it with her,but I would buy the dress anyway. Only bring up the subject as casual conversation when you're talking about something else and see how she responds. Explain the situation to your niece who might want to get a backup just in case (2 flower girls is ok too). So if your 4year old refuses on the big day, don't try to force her, just let the one (hopefully older)flower girl take the stroll. Pris B.

My son turned 5 the day after he was the ring bearer for my sister's wedding. He was adamently not happy about it beforehand. He is the type of child that needs to be prepped for everything, so we started months before. He wasn't happy about trying on his tux, or his shoes, etc. But we told him he would get a treat at the end of the aisle, etc. So.....at the rehearsal he was great, my mom was there to encourage him (he'll do anything for grandma). Day of, he was very excited (there was a lot of hype....EVERYONE had to have special clothes for the event, even daddy had to get a suit, etc) and when he got to the church he couldn't wait to get his tux on like all the other boys. Since he loves trains we brought a couple of his favorites and then he had a special one to open after he got down the aisle. That also kept him busy during the ceremony. Especially as a girl, she will love the dress and all the girly parts of a wedding. Just get her something to bribe her down the aisle!

When I got married, my flower girl was our next door neighbor. I was worried about the same thing. She was three or four at the time. I gave her a basket and some fake flower petals (can be purchased at any wedding shop or even Hobby Lobby). She practiced every day, according to her mom, and did very well the day of. It did also help that there was two flower girls so she had someone to walk down with. Hope this helps. I just remember how cute she was in her little white dress.

You have received great advice so far.

I definitely agree about taking it as it comes and letting your neice know that your daughter has been refusing.

As I wedding planner I've seen children cajoled, bribed, coerced etc to be in weddings. In watching these scenes, I feel that more respect is given to adults than children. If an adult declines an invitation to be a groomsmen or bridesmaid, then their decline is accepted, whereas a child, not so much.
Although it is sweet when you have a child who wants to do it walk down the aisle, it is heartbreaking to see one forced to do so.

If she does it, great... but if she doesn't don't get hung up on it. Especially if the neice knows ahead of time.

My 3 year old was the same way last year. One day she wanted to be in the wedding, one day she didn't. I actually used a little reverse psychology and just stopped talking about it at all. If she is anything like my daughter, she loves pretty dresses so I hung up the beautiful dress in her closet and after a while she started asking me when she could wear it and then I causally told her about the wedding. As a little more added incentive, a week or two before we went to Claires and she picked out some sparkly nail polish and lip gloss she would only get to wear on that day. Soemtimes kids at that age resist just to show they have some power and control over their parents, especially if they can tell it is something important. Maybe let the bride take her shopping. I would just make it a non-issue and then, unless she is exremely shy, I think it will become a non-issue to her too. Good Luck!

I would try taking her to the dress shop and let her actually see the dresses for herself and try some on. Then explain that the only way she gets to have one of the dresses is to be the flowergirl at the wedding. If she still refuses, then I personally, would just let it go. Tell your neice that you're so sorry for the inconvience, but you don't want your daughter to 'ruin' her special day just because she won't walk down the aisle. Hopefully, once your daughter gets her hands on the dress, she'll get excited and want to do it! Good Luck!

I would definatley let your niece know how it's going. See if she is okay with you or someone your daughter will trust to walk with her if necessary. Also see how your niece feels if on the day of the wedding, your daughter refuses and she doesn't get down the aisle. You won't really know how she will react (not even on the rehearsal day) until the day itself. I've been through this. I just prepared for the worst and hoped for the best. In my case it was both my children with one having an anxiety issue and it turned out fine. Good luck.

I think if you stop talking about it and making it such a big deal, she will change her mind. I think she is building up anxiety about it because she hears about it a lot. I am sure when she goes shopping she will love to see all the pretty dresses. Tell her she looks like a beautiful princess (all girls love princesses). Then, make sure you tell your niece what you are experiencing just in case she refuses the day of. Most brides understand that if they are asking a little kid to be a flowergirl or ringbearer that the kids may not be willing participants the day of (all those people. We get nervous as adults, they do too), or they may cry the whole way down the aisle, or whatever. Kids are kids. I worried my son wouldn't walk down the aisle once he saw all the people (he was 4.5 years old), and he did great. I told him if he did it he could have a toy he wanted for a while. Actually, when the wedding was almost over, we were all standing on the alter while the priest was saying a blessing. Then, my sister and her new husband had to turn around and bow to everyone. My son came over to me during that time (I was Maid of Honor, so we were very close but he had to pass in front of the priest and behind the couple) and asked me "Mom, do I get my pirate ship now?". It was funny now looking back, but at the time I was a little embarrassed. So, just tell your niece your concerns and as long as she is still cool with it, I would go ahead with having your daughter in the wedding and see what she does that day.

Gail,

We took our daughter to a wedding (as guests) for the first time for her when she was nearly four and she was just beside herself not wanting to go. After awhile I realized that she thought SHE was getting married! She finally said - Mommy, I don't want to get married, I am only three!

It's funny looking back on it - but she was genuinely afraid (and rightly so) :-)

Just thought I'd share that in case your little girl might possibly have the same idea in her head.

Best of luck to you, I agree with the other poster that you should be up front with the bride that your daughter might not be willing (out of shyness) to participate. Perhaps you can go shopping for the dress, but just put it on 'hold' for as long as possible - she will likely get very interested after trying on the dress.

cheers,

W.

Hi Gail,
I would still buy the dress & prepare as if she will be a flower girl. I would also prepare your niece for the possibility that your daughter may not cooperate at the last minute. Hopefully your niece will not freak out over this (some brides can be a little crazy) & take it as a minor snag in the whole scheme of things.

Hi Gail.
As a working officiant, I have done a lot of weddings where I find myself "managing" the flower girls and ring bearers at the wedding rehearsal and then again, just before the ceremony. I've been known to even pay the kids a $1 if they walked down the aisle. But I don't advise that route!

I find that not talking about it much or taking the "no big deal" approach is the best way. The more hyped up it is, the less the younger children want to participate. I find that they usually feel like their role is going to be so gigantic, that they want to back out as too many people might be starting at them. This is not an event that they can fail at, in fact, the more they are allowed to do it their way, the more memorable their participation will be. I find it works best the more casual it's treated. If you can allow your daughter to make friends with the wedding planner, or the officiant, especially if there's a rehearsal, then she'll be a bit more receptive when one of them tells her to walk down the aisle. I usually tell the kids something like "You'll just walk down the aisle towards me, and when you get to the end, you can go sit next to your mommy. If you feel like it, you can toss the flower petals out along the way. Have fun with it!"

Hope this helps.