Aging Grandparents

My grandmother, Mimi, does the same thing. She has been asking my mother what she would like, and what I would like. Along with my Aunt, Uncle, and brother. It's a little weird, and I have told her that I don't want to talk about her being gone. She says that she is ready when the good lord wants her. She insisted, and so I told her that I would very much like to have my grandfathers books, and her vases. She also is dividing up her jewelry, etc. It can be uncomfortable, but for her, she says she will be so happy knowing that I will keep her things in the family when she is gone. Lots of things are sentimental, and priceless.

My mother did that! And it made me feel uncomfortable. It also made me feel greedy - "I want the still life painting, I want the Wedgewood."... It sounded tacky.

But that was not her intent. She just didn't want any fussin' and feudin' after she was gone. She wanted some groundwork made before that as to the material things my sister and I would receive.

So my sister and I wrote up lists of what we would particularly like. My mother sorted them out, and there was no problem later, and everybody was happy. I might add that she had us do this years and years before she passed away (she died two weeks before her 98th birthday). At that, there were still a whole lot of things to go through. My mother was definitely not a minimalist.

Old people think about the future, and they are well aware that the future includes death. You may not want to think about it, but she is thinking about it now. That's one advantage the elderly have over the rest of us, if they face the fact of dying. She's thinking that she'll be happy knowing her granddaughter has (or will have) the things she loves best to remember her grandmother by.

Do not get superstitious; talking with her about what you'd like to inherit won't make her die any earlier.

You might say, "Yiayia, I don't like to think about your dying, because I'm very possessive and I want you to stay here! If you really want to know, and it would make you happy to know, there are some things that I really love - but I'd rather not take them home right now. I'd be happier thinking they were still with you." Perhaps the conversation can go on smoothly from there.

Are there other grandchildren? She needs to do the same for them.

And yes, take your children to be with their great-grandma!

We're going through this early with my parents. They just want to be sure everything is settle, because you just never know. My brother still lives with them and he completely shuts down whenever the subject comes up. I'm more accepting of it. Heck yeah, I'm going to be a wreck, I know it, but I've always been the type to realize what I can and can not change about a situation and have the ability to let it slide away. It's not that I'm unfeeling and don't care, I just know that I can't stop the march of time.

Everyone is different when it comes to the "end", like I said, my brother wants nothing to do with the conversation, I'm more excepting. But it really is unavoidable no matter how unpleasant it may be, ignoring it and fighting it isn't going to make the truth go away, especially since your YiaYia is in her golden years. Everyone "meets their makers" sooner or later, I know you would prefer much much later. She obviously loves you and is trying to make this as painless as possible for you. She wants to get it done and over with so she can go back to enjoying you and your family.

I think it also helps that I and my family have strong Christian beliefs. It's helped to have the foundation of the faith that we'll see each other again. Even if you don't have that belief it can be comforting to think that even when they leave the earth, they never are really gone, you remember them and have mementos of their lives, they existed and they were loved, they aren't really gone.

Take a deep breath and be honest with her about how you feel, sit down for coffee and just dive right in. Bring tissues and just do it. Once it's done and squared away you can move on and not dwell any more on it.

Good luck.

I don't know if it is a cultural thing with your paopo or not, so it's hard to give you advice. What I have done is go ahead and ask. My grandmother's ring was always special to me. She said that grandpap gave it to her when she was young (I wish I knew what year) and I loved looking at it on her finger. She gave it to me the year before she died. I was grateful too. If she hadn't given it to me, somebody at the hospital might have taken it, and that would really have hurt.

The thing is, if you don't tell her, then she may not know it's what you want. If you do tell her and it offends her, well, what will happen? Do you think she wouldn't see you anymore? Don't you think she'll say "Honey, I'm already giving that to Susie." Then you hug her and say "Yiayia, that's a lovely idea. Susie will really like that."

After she's gone (my grandma died at 93 too), you'll have nothing but regrets if you don't ask her now. If she agrees to give things to you but they stay in her house, write a list down of the specific items and get her to sign the list, preferably in front of someone who will witness the signature.

I know it's hard to say "when you are gone", but believe me, she knows it's coming. That's why she is cleaning out her house AND talking to you about it. It's her way of saying goodbye and pretending it away doesn't help you or her.

Good luck!
Dawn

I remember as a kid if one of us kids said we liked something my grandparents put our name on it. Like my grandfather's paintings......those had our names on the frames and there was no fuss. But other things, everyone fought over. I helped clean out the house after my grandmother passed and I happened to be the one that found the last piece of my grandmother's wedding crystal. That got all the grandkids in an an uproar. But there wasn't anything specific about that kind of stuff in the wills or anything so it was a tense topic for a while. Now my mom, she has been asking for a while if I want things. I have a lot of it already. My dad, not so much. If I were you, if it's something you would like to have, then graciously accept. I know it's uncomfortable, believe me. Sounds like she just wants to make things a little easier when the time comes.

My husband's grandmother is 96. She does the same thing when we visit. They like doing it because they want you to have it. We always say, "We'll take it, but we're not letting you go anywhere".

I don't see the big deal. The women in my family are very open about death. They talk about what they want at their funnerals, and who should get certain items. If my grandma asked if I wanted something when she is gone (which hopefully won't be for a long long time!) I would say, "Sure that would be nice, but you are not going anywhere anytime soon." Then she will say, "Oh S., Grandma's getting up there." (She has been saying this for the past 20 years lol) And I will remind her that her sister lived into her 90s and she is only 80.

Okay just reading about Yiayia and Papou dying makes me cry! I'm Greek too and it's not often you hear these words!

I don't have any sage words I'm afraid, but it seems like she's ready so try and talk with her honestly and tell her what you want, but most of all talk about memories and good times!

Oh a YiaYia. I am YiaYia. No one today knows what a YiaYia is. You just
made my day. Paopo too!!!! If there are some things you want, take them
now if she wants you to. If there are other people involved in her life, when
she passes, (not saying this will happen) these memories might disappear.
If she wants you to have them say thank you and take whatever.