Advice on Violation of Parenting Rights

I think you may want to consult a lawyer regarding this situation. I have always heard that when the child is 13 they can decide, this however can vary depending on what states are involved.

I have read the responses and I wonder what ever happen to respecting your parent. There would be no way I would allow my child to dictate to me what she is and what she is not going to do. Wether that 13 year old realizes it or not, she needs her father in her life especially because her parents are divorced. I have a twelve year old that will be thirteen in less than a month. Thirteen is not some magical age when they gain an automatic amount of reason to make decisions. The fact of the matter is that she is a child, her Dad's child, and she needs to get on the plane and visit him for the court ordered amount of time. I find that showing children how to break rules and disrespect their parents to be pretty poor parenting and I would never advise it unless you want more trouble down the road. I hope that this all gets resolved and that you enjoy your step-daughter.

Your husband isn't father to a court order, he has a daughter. I've been through raising two stepchildren to adulthood. Your husband should talk with his daughter about her reasons and come to an agreement with her - offer up some compromises. Yes, you have a court order, but mostly you have a young teen-ager with her own friends, interests, involvements, and opinions. Most 13 year-olds (and up) need to have some say in how they spend their summer. What we found is that the number of weeks is unimportant. The relationship with her father is most important and there is no time requirement on that. (There is no "right" way, only the way that works best for the father/daughter.)

The court is not suited to making these types of decisions. The process is too slow and impersonal. Lawyers and courts lead to a waste of energy, time, and money while increasing anger and resentment.

Contact the court/lawyer and get your 6 weeks.

First, I have to say that I am EXTREMELY surprised at many of the comments to give in to the will of the 13 year old. When did teenagers become "the parents"? By doing this you'd also be giving the EX more power and control going forward as well.

Speaking from some first hand experience in dealing with my younger sister (12 years younger than myself) -- you NEED to stick with your rights. Especially in a situation where there are challenges between the adults, this could EASILY turn into, "your Dad just didn't want you" or "wouldn't fight for you...". Also, you would be cutting your parental athority A LOT by giving in to this -- and this is the last thing you want to do as she launches in to her teen years.

With my sister, she started playing both her parents (we only share a mother) and bounced between homes regularily -- refusing to visit whoever she was "mad" at or who wouldn't give her what she wanted. In the end she got herself in so much trouble (physically attacked her mother & then a different time Dad & step-mother) her options were to either come live with me for the school year (3 hours from both her parents) or go into foster care. When she was with us it was INCREDIBLY difficult because she had gotten used to getting what SHE wanted.

Honestly, if your kids don't hate you half the time than your not doing your job :)

It could be a rough 6 weeks, but when she is older she'll appreciate the time you spent with her more than shopping with her middle school BFF's.

My advice to you is to stay out of it. I can see both sides of the coin. I would support my son 100% if he decided he wanted to spend less time with his dad for any reason. But I encourage him to see him as much as possible. If I were 13 again, there would be friends, work, sports, maybe other siblings, and much more that I would hate to miss out on because I had to travel to visit my dad. I don't think it is right for one parent to live in another state or another part of the country from their child an expect them to drop everything to come see them. Just the fact that the child is willing to come for 3 weeks is a huge gift to her dad. She obviously wants to see him, but does not want to give up half her summer break for him. That is way too much to ask of her. Why not suggest to your husband that he go visit her for half the time and vise versa? It's the same thing. And he would not be willing to drop his life for even that long to go there, right? If it is important to be with his daughter and spend time with her then maybe relooking at where you guys live is part of the answer.

Yes the mother would be violating the court order, but personally I think I would listen to the daughter's wishes. At least she still wants to spend time with her dad; at that age, many teenage girls do not want to spend any time with Dad. I would not take for granted the mother is making her say this. At 13 the kids are all about their friends and their lives. She could feel that this is taking her away from what teenagers feel "the most important people in their life." This alone could cause her to resent the time with her dad. I think I would honor her wishes which she then will repsect and then may be willing to come back again. You do not want it to turn into a time where she does not want to come at all. Maybe there is some major activity or even that she feels socially she will be missing if away. People say "But they have friends here." You have to think to teenagers, the "current friends" are the reason they wake up and go to school in the morning; not the friends that that see annually. I think your husband needs to talk with her, tell her he would like to see her the entire time but will respect her wishes. Ask her if there is another time that she would be willing to come back to see you guys. If $ is not an issue, could you work out a 2 week period now and a 2 week right before school? I can tell you one thing; my brother has gone through this same thing with his son & over the time, each time my nephew gets back and hears of social things that he missed out on and gets angry/sad; I think the longer visit did much more damage than it did good. My nephew has a blast when he is with my brother, but when he gets back home, the social network of home friends wins hands down. He then relates his visit to "missing out." Even if it is to sit around and talk to her girlfriends about bras, starting your period or who got the first kiss...... To teenagers, that is more important than parent bonding.... If you want a positive relationship later, my advise is extend the hand, extend the offers but respect her wishes. As long as you have some time it is better quality time than her "hating the idea" long quantity time. Even if the "ex" is a butt..... do not assume that it is her.... At your step-daughter's age, she is influenced more by friends/events than by parents. This is why I say that at that age, you just hope you taught them enough judgement to choose good friends. Because they are the ones that matter. I told my brother, last year when my nephew visited and it caused him to miss a camp exsperience with his school friends..... he just made a memory my newphew will not forget and will not forgive until he is an adult and he is currently 12. Quality always wins over quantity in my book...
BTW, some teenage girls even plan activities and visits around their periods... I have heard of them not wanting to go on a trip because they will have their period at the time. LOL.... Remember those days. As we become adults we forget about that because it becomes a part of life with us... I know of a friend who's daughter is in 8th grade & her daughter did not want to go over dad's because she got her period that day.... Her dad is an OB/GYN too. lol.... She says she just wanted to be "home" with her mom in her own bed. I laughed, because her thought process is just as a 14 year old, which we forget sometimes... So just telling that story so that you may not realize her thought process could be something she is not speaking..... Just a thought...

Hi P.,

I do understand your frustration and hurt. I am in a situation were the shoe is on the other foot. My ex has a history of physical violence and drinking. Fortunally or unfortunatly we do live fairly close. So if there is a weekend my 12 year old does not want to go to his dads we can make alternate arrangements. But with the first occurance I was at work when my son decided he did not want to go because he didn't complete an assigment for school. I was getting phone calls from the both of them, his dad called the police. My son refused to answer the door. It was total drama. Not something I could deal with at work. I had an angry ex that put the blame on me, and a crying hysterical 12yr old wanting my support. I did support my son but made alternate arrangements to switch weekends. All the drama was not necessary if both of them would have communicated, which the 12 yr old called his dad earlier in the week to ask permission to stay home and do the homework. Dad could have then discussed this with me and made other arrangements but refused. Eventually everyone got what they wanted but it could have been handled much better and now the 12 yr old holds resentment for his dad and acts out when he is at his house. Not a fun situation to be in for his father.

I believe that the mother will be in contempt of court. It depends on the state the court order was made in if the daughter has the right to say no to a visitation at age 13. The father may want to tell the daughter that he doesn't get to see her very often and wants to spend this time with her. Whetever he does he has to not talk bad about her mother to her-she will be mad at him if he does. I would book the flight- Another option is to possibly with an open ended ticket. Tell the daughter that she may choose to go back at 3 weeks or 6 after she gets here. Chances are that when she gets here she will want to stay- unless her mom is a controlling witch. If mom refuses to send her if you book the six weeks he will have to be prepared to take her to court for contempt if he wants to do anything about it.

ok, first of all 13 does NOT equal 18, and regardless of what the mother thinks, there is a court order in place. he has every right to see his child for the appointed time. its too bad if the girl doesnt like it (no doubt theres prodding there by the mother) shes not 18, shes not above the law and the visitation rights legally placed by the court.
contact the court. see if there is something to do there.

Hi P. B,

The courts may say she is old enough now to have a say.

This is between your husband and his daughter. [And it's great to have mamasource people for an excellent resource.]

reading Greg Baer's Real Love in Parenting [and another book about divorce which slips my mind now - but basically helped me get a child's perspective on having 2 households] was super helpful for me in dealing with my difficult ex. I hope these ideas are helpful.

Patti,

I have heard that when the child is 13yrs old, they can have a say in what they want and not want to do. However, they would have to go to court and have the child talk to the judge. Yes they would be violating the court order if they don't follow it, unless you came to a mutual agreement and I would get that in writing. I would just tell her that you understand that she doesn't want to come the whole time, however there is a court order that says she is to be with you 1/2 the summer break. I would talk to the mother, do NOT involve the child at this point. Not sure if threatening to bring her to court if she doesn't follow the order will work or not but you could try.

You want to keep the child's best interest in mind when making any plans...

Good Luck!

Hi P.,

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your husband's ex-wife is very supportive of co-parenting. I think your best bet is to buy the ticket for the three-week stay and enjoy the time you have with her to the fullest. Quality vs. quantity. I have a friend who is a divorce attorney and in her words "you can't hog tie a teenager." Your decision has nothing to do with poor parenting, as another poster pointed out. As you are not the primary custodial parent, and consequently, there is very little that you have control over. It is terribly unfortunate that your step-daughter's mother is unsupportive of your rights, but there isn't much you can do about it. In my opinion, it is not worth going to court over.

Enjoy the time you have with your daughter and work towards creating a positive relationship with her. In a few years, she will most likely be working during the summer and be unable to take off 6 weeks anyway.

Good luck!

C.

Has anyone asked her why she doesn't want to go? I think most courts would say she has the right not to go (could be wrong). Maybe she doesn't want to leave her friends, etc. and it has nothing to do with her not wanting to spend time with the both of you or her mother brain-washing her. I think that you need to see it from a 13 year old's perspective. Maybe accept the 3 weeks and once she is there she will change her mind, I know it will cost more for you....but isn't three weeks better than nothing and spending all the extra money going back to court.

Get a lawyer and get the courts involved. Any change in your rights have to go thru the courts first. This applies to all states and it doesn't matter how old the child is and even they have to go to court to tell the judge why they want to only visit or live with a parent for a reduced amount of time. But it has to go thru a judge first. In fact, anything that the court has ordered had to go thru the court first before changes can be made.

P.,

I can see where this is frustrating for you and your husband, and maybe even a little hurtful. Is there any room for bargaining? Meaning, can she come for a shorter time over the summer, and then visit extra days another part of the year?

You have to decide which is more important--getting the ex and the daughter to follow the court order, or following your stepdaughter's wishes. I grew up in a blended family and saw both sides of this scenario. Not to play devil's advocate, but it is probably hard for the ex to "force" her daughter to go for 6 weeks when she doesn't want to. Also, your stepdaughter is a teenager now and probably has somewhat of a social life, one she will have to leave behind for 6 weeks, which can seem like an eternity at that age. Also, being with family often is not at the top of a teenager's list.

I totally see your point of view, but do you want your stepdaughter at your house for 6 weeks when she only wants to be there for 3? How will you interact with her the last 3 weeks? Will you regret it if she is in a bad mood and disagreeable the whole time?

If this were me, I would let her know that I was planning on and hoping for 6 weeks, but that I was still looking forward to my time with her. Keep the interaction positive. If this visit is negative and court cases are being threatened, what incentive does she have to come back. Remember that she could have said she wasn't coming at all. Be grateful for the 3 weeks with her and enjoy it. I think that will make for a better relationship with her in the long run, versus taking this to court. If you force the stepdaughter to come for 6 weeks, she may ultimately pull away from you. I know that issues w/exes can be nerve-wracking, but what is more important: arguing over 21 days or having a nice, but short, visit with your stepdaughter?

Is sounds like the mother could be sued for contempt of court. If you are going to hire an attorney for this it probably won't cost you less than $600.00. That being said, sometimes a letter indicating your intentions from an attorney does the trick. Usually the attorney who handled the divorce can take care of this situation without Court involvement.

wow-sorry you have to go thru this....yea you can battle it in court,lawyers etc.i went thru this whole mess myself,kids reach an age where they want to be with their primary friends an surroundings-luckily we all lived in the same state-we both tried to make our kids go by court orders-they got pretty bitter an resentful-so we really relaxed on the visitation-and go with whats in their best interest-be flexible-if its only for 3 weeks-make the best of it-shell thank you guys in the long run...trust me...if shes being forced at this age-shell hate you guys...its harder on her than you guys know....have a heart to heart talk with her-tell her how you both feel.13 is a rough age-then you throw this in-doesnt help.good luck

Book the ticket for three weeks and get the child to your house. After she is there and having a wonderful time, call and pay the small fee to change the ticket to the 6 weeks. She is a CHILD, and although she does have her friends and her social agenda, the time spent with her dad is more valuable. It would be different if she had a miserable time at your house. I can guarantee you, from personal experience, that her mother is encouraging her not to stay the full time. I have a 12-year-old step-daughter in this situation. While she has never come out and told us this is happening, we have caught her mother in lies over her summer visit. Before this summer started, her mom told us she really wanted to go to a dance class at the school that lasted a week into our visitation. When my husband asked his daughter about the class, she didn't even know there was going to be a class!

My point is, get the child to your house, go through some of the visitation time, and then decide when she will go home. My step-daughter often begs to stay with us b/c her home situation is not the greatest, but we know she has to go back to her mom's.

This is not an easy time for any of you, but I hope it works out in the best interest of the child.

My sister's husband has a child with an ex and she is a horrible woman, she brainwashes their child into thinking her father is bad and she is actually being influenced by it... it got to the point where, when they would drive to get her, his ex would not let their daughter leave the house. And even his daughter would say that she didn't want to go.
They called the police each time this happened, and the police would come, and talk to the mother and bring his daughter out. As soon as she was at her dad's home she was completely different- happy, healthy. She did enjoy being with her dad and truly wanted to be there once her mother was out of sight.
Anyway I bring this up because if she refuses to bring her to the airport, as a last resort you can contact the police to enforce the court order. However, I know that the police coming was a pretty traumatic experience for my niece and you have to weigh that with how important it is for her to come for the whole time. Maybe let her mother know that you may end up calling the police if she doesn't follow through would be enough. But if not, then what? And if she does end up agreeing to send your stepdaughter for the entire time, but your stepdaughter says in the middle of her visit that she wants to go back, what would you do? She may end up resenting both of you for it and that will lead to her not wanting to come in the future as well. It's a tough situation.
Personally, I would let her come for 3 weeks only if that is really what she wants because forcing her to stay will only do more harm

I did a search on police enforcing court orders and in fact they are not required to assist in these situations. And it is likely that they will refuse. We are in Minnesota, and I know my sister and her husband have done it many times, but maybe they have some other order that I don't know about, or perhaps it depends on the state or county, or even person by person and how well you explain the situation over the phone
From what I read online though you probably wont have much luck
I found a website that has something about it http://www.nvo.com/beaulier/minnesotaparentingtime/
I have copied and pasted it below:

Enforcement of Parenting Time Order by Police

Enforcing a parenting time order may often be difficult. Law enforcement often will treat denials of parenting time as civil matters. However, a Court order can include language that specifically requires law enforcement to enforce a parenting time order. This is specified under Minnesota Statutes 518.175. It states as follows:

"The court may provide that a law enforcement officer or other appropriate person will accompany a party seeking to enforce or comply with parenting time."

P.,

On a slightly different note, maybe the thing to do is to encourage your husband to work on improving his relationship with his ex. Having come from a situation very similar to your step-daughter's... I lived with my mom full time and my dad had visitation...

The hardest part for me wasn't the time away from friends, it was the time with the parent complaining about the other one. It caused a lot of pain for me and my sister.

If your husband were able to talk with his ex, perhaps they could better understand one another, and come to an understanding that would make the entire family situation better...

Good luck.

We just went through this. My hubby has a 15 yr old that he has custody of and she wanted to go see her mom more. He let her it has been now over 6 months and she has not returned! She says that we were to hard on her (we made sure she did her homework and every so often she would babysit the yonger kids so we could work) The problem is the cops will not help inforce the court order (we are in mpls MN) They say it is civil matter and has to be delt with in the courts. We talked to our lawyer and was told it is a hard case to win. Yes the mother is in contemp of the court order but it up to a jugde on if they take into account what the child is saying. And if the order will be upheld or changed.
We were and still are beyond hurt but you can't make the child feel bad. All that will do is hurt the relationship even more. We even started family coulsing but she would go. So just hubby and I went for a few weeks and that helped alot with the hurt feelings. I would try what others have said maybe get an open ended ticket.
Good luck,
K.

if visitations aren't held up, then the ex is in comtempt of court, the 13 year old might be old enough to make up her own mind, yet, if she herself doesn't go back to court to request this and get the court ordered visitation changed, then it is as follows, she would also have to go along with the 6 weeks of visitation.

at 13 I can understand how being away from all of her friends really isn't what she would want to do with her summer vacation...her feelings should be considered over what both sets of parents feel is right or worng, legal or illegal.