Advice on Seperation with Husband

hey,

I went thru the same thing, my husband told me that he needed to "find himself" which basically meant all his friends were single and he felt like he was missing out, so we separated. after a couple of months we got back together but it didnt feel the same i had lost my feeling for him so i told him i needed to "find myself" and i did. i started to date someone else but i just couldnt stop thinking about my ex so we sat down and talked and decided to start over. we started "dating" i lived at my house and he lived at his and we just fell in love again. It was hard and we had trust issuses but its been three years and we are happier then ever. i just wanted you to know even when it seems impossible sometimes it works out.

You are certainly a strong woman - many people would have choice words to share, but you are amazing in your view of the situation. I don't have any great words for you .... except you need to take care of you and the girls. It is his choice to leave .... let him go and continue with your life. Don't waste your time worrying about if he will ever come back - if he makes that choice later, then think about how you feel about it. You only have the present, and that sounds like he is not wanting to be part of that. Laugh, Cry, Scream, but keep living your life for you and your girls. You are now officially the central image of stability in their lives. He is a grown man and you need not waste your worry on him. Take care of you, so you can take care of the girls.
I do wish I had great words to help you, but know that you are strong and kind because you don't sound bitter - just rational. It says volumes about you as a mother and a woman.

Gosh, I just wanted to say hugs to you... what a situation, and during the holidays too.... my heart goes out to you.
I almost cried when I read your posting.

For now, do all you can to take care of your own back...meaning, get your finances in order, and EVERYTHING else you can... in a logical and common sense manner. You have to MAKE SURE you are taking care of your personal matters NOW. PLAN AHEAD no matter what. Think ahead. Do NOT leave yourself (and your kids) "vulnerable" as far as finances or medical coverage etc.

Make sure he is not leaving you in debt... if your name is attached to any accounts he has.

Make sure that you KNOW what your name is on, legally and financially. You don't want any surprises.

Depending on how old he is... is he going through any "middle age" crises? Or, depression? Or an affair? Or career problems?

Keep your head and wits about you... but you MUST take care of yourself first. He has already proven that you CANNOT rely on him now, or any longer. And don't count on any "cooperation."

Tell your family.. and ask for any help you may need for your children. Tell your best friend. GATHER a support network for yourself... do not isolate yourself and leave yourself vulnerable.

KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU... and you MUST DOCUMENT anything and everything you can... it will only HELP you later, if things gets worse or if you have to go to court over it. KEEP this common sense approach and for your survival and for your childrens best interest. That is the best advice I can give you.

As far as the emotional impact, find a support group or a counselor if you need to, to help you. Take care of yourself in this respect too.

See if HE will go to counseling. But again, do not pin your hopes on this.

You also have to MAKE SURE he does NOT take the kids anywhere... without legal approvals. Be mindful of this and wise. I would NOT "trust" him with anything right now, or even later. He does not seem stable.

All the best,
Susan

I am so sorry you and your girls are going through this. First I would make sure 100% that there is not another woman and that he just wants to test the waters. Second I would divide the parenting and finances 50-50. Even if you miss your girls it is good for them to be with their daddy you said he was a good father and you don't want to make this time easy as if he is a single guy out having fun. He is a father of two and needs to fully be aware of what it is to be that. Second get conseling and set a time limit and let him know you love him and want this marriage more then anything but it is most important to teach and show your daughters that you gave it 100% to keep it together but that women have to respect and care about themselves and have to know when to move on and that once it's final it's final there is no going back so he better really think it through. Best of luck to your family.

It was 2 years ago, that I found myself in a very similar situation...although we never married. My son was born July 2006 (2 mos. premature) and his Dad and I had been seperated since I was three months pregnant, but sharing a home to try to 'work it out'. In October of 2006, he told me he was definitely not in love with me anymore and that it wasn't going to work out. All at the same time, he brought to light that he had been seeing someone else for six months, and was sure that no matter how hard we 'tried' he wasn't going to be apart of my life.

I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how hard you try, if the other person isn't trying or willing to try then, it's not going to work.

If you have already lost respect for him, then I would say it's time to evaluate what YOU need to do in order to take care of YOURSELF and your girls. Check your finances, if you have to see a lawyer about getting your side of the street clean. I was left with tons of debt from medical bills and credit cards, that I'm still trying to work out...and it's 2 years later! If you two can work it then, at least you'll have the information.

You said you are ready to move on, then I would advise you to go with YOUR gut instincts...mine told me to leave and I stayed with the hopes that I'd be able to give my son the family he deserved, when I finally realized the only family he really needed was the ONE parent who was dedicated and up for the job...his Mommy, and I'm guessing for your girls that's YOU too. Good Daddy or not, they need stability in their lives and you may be it for a while.

It's funny because after I tried to move on my son's father tried to get me back, and by that time I was over it and done with the games and the uncertainty of how it would work or what if he decided to leave me again...it gets old fast.

I really just wish I could buy you a cup of coffee! It sucks because this time of year is so much about family and ALL you want is to give your kids the two parents you'd planned on giving them. Just do what you need to do, and be the best Mommy you can be and you'll make it through this.

Do you have the support of family? I worked with my Mom and Dad to devise a plan to get myself on my feet and if it wasn't for them and my sister I'd be so lost!

Not sure you location, but if you ever need to chat or e-mail I'd be happy to be a sounding board!

Best of Luck!
Deanna

I've never been in your shoes, so I won't pretend to have all of the answers, but the first thought that came to my mind was whether you two had saught out any marital counseling? It doesn't seem that any of the mom's below are suggesting that first important step to see if you can salvage your marriage. I'm a big believer in marriage, so to me that would be a critical step to take before either of you make any drastic decisions. Hopefully he'll be willing to go and embrace the counseling, but if not, you should still seek one out for yourself. It'll help you work through your end of this process and ensure you are as strong as possible for your children and whatever the future may hold. Give your marriage everything you can to make it work before throwing in the towel. Clearly there is something that initially drew you both together and brought you to the point of marriage, so I firmly believe you can both find that together again. Unless there is another woman involved, it would seem to me that you can likely find ways to work through this and have a wonderful and strong marriage as a result!

Just my two cents, but best of luck to you! I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I'll keep both you and your husband in my prayers!

i know how you feel only its me doing what your husband is doing. my husband is having a hard time functioning since i moved back hom with my daughter. i know my mind and my heart is saying 2 different things. but all i know is that i love my husband but i dont feel like im in love with him anymore (does that make since). my husband is a wonderful man and provides the best he can for me and our daughter even though we live apart. he also comes to visit every day in the morning to play with our 21 month old. in a situtation like this you almost have to bite the bit and deal with it just so you can move on. but i do know it will be easier not to take him back as your husband the longer you are apart. good luck!

This is a really difficult time for you I know. Working with a good therapist can do wonders for a relationship. Even if you are not able to keep your marriage together or find that you don’t want to, the time can be well spent working out your relationship. You will both always be parents to your children so you want the best post marriage relationship you can have. Therapy can help this a great deal. I hope that both you and your children are getting counseling as well. Having the support you need, will help you decide what is the best way to take care of yourself and your children emotionally.

So much to consider. Of course, is there another woman...will there be? Is he planning on dating and could you take him back after that? Is this just a mid-life crisis? If so, I truley believe they just go through some hormonal imbalance that where they don't know what the hell they want. Does controlled separation mean he is single while you wait and hold down the fort? I would speak to an attorney or hopefully someone will post some experiences with a controlled separation. In that case, you are still married and I would have many questions. Does he pay child support legally? Who gets kids legally? How does the bank account work...bills...cars, etc. Can he leave with the kids out of town legally because you are still married? Better check into this.

C.