Advice on How to Deal with Disappointment and the Lone One Not Picked.

I agree with asking to speak to the band director. Find out why he was not picked for the higher band. Knowing why he wasnt chosen may make it easier for him to deal with. Disappointment is never easy and at his age one thing can seem like the world, but it is a part of life. If he finds out why it may help him in the future.

One reason could be there are a lot of students that play his instrument and with some extra lessons he could change to a different instrument that would allow him to play in the higher band.

As far as having different classes then his friends he will be ok. My daughter has few classes with her friends. She is in band and many of her friends are in choir so their scheduals are different. Actually some of her best friends she has no classes with. If they are true friends they will stay friends and he will also meet new friends. He needs to learn there are two sides to everything.

It is part of life, unfortunately. I played volleyball for 9 years and never made it to the high school varsity team and I DESPERATELY wanted to go. I was a good player. MVP several times in junior high and high school... it all came down to how I looked in my uniform. I was crushed. I was just as quick as their other setters, spent 2 hours every day working on my ball placement, had a killer jump serve and I had no problem diving around, but none of that mattered... I wasn't thin like the other players. So I totally understand what your son is going through. Right now is tough because he can't see the forest for the trees. I couldn't either back then. That was when I started to develop my eating disorder. I finished that season, which gave me time to think, and I decided to invest my energies in something else the next year. I missed playing volleyball, but my knees have thanked me! So I guess my advice is to have him continue one more year. Sometimes it's when the person continues despite adversity that he tends to shine more. There is a reason he wasn't chosen and he may be the one to inspire the next great musician of the world in the younger group. He may become the director/leaders right hand man. Who knows?! But don't let him quit until he thinks about it for one whole year. Sounds like a long time, but he may be moved up next year and then it will be worth the extra time he spent refining his skills.

I'm curious as to why the band teacher held him back. Was it his talent? Or something else. Did you talk to the teacher? I was in band. I started in the fifth grade and wanted to quit before high school when I would have been the "newbie." My dad convinced me to give it one more year and then if i wanted to quit I could. Well, I played all through High School and earned an award my senior year. Please tell your son that he is needed for his talent and experience (as much as it is at this age.) Would your son rather switch to a different instrument? Explore the possibilities.
Good luck.

Your poor son! This must be incredibly upsetting for him. My children are still very young so I don't know if my advice will be helpful since I haven't "been there" yet. Is there anyway to encourage him to find out exactly why he wasn't promoted and what steps he needs to take to be promoted as soon as possible? Maybe it's just that another child on the same instrument is incredibly gifted and took his spot? It doesn't mean that he's not also very talented. I guess following this advice would be a hard and mature thing to do at only 12, but it may help him a lot in the long run.

You sound like a caring and loving mother :-) My child was held back in school. I was concerned like you, that all of her peers would go on and how she would adjust. Her teacher reassured me by saying, if she went to the next grade, she would already start the year behind the other kids and would continually fall behind, struggling to catch up which would be more degrading than holding her back so she could master the grade, make new friends and become a superstar amongst her new peers :-)

In high school, I thought I was a shoe in for an award. I was told by many sources that it was an easy win for me. When the award day came and I not only didn't place first, I didn't place at all, I was devastated. I thought about it a lot - running through my mind where I went wrong, etc. etc. I went to the person running the award and asked her for feedback. What I learned is that I did a poor job at pulling together my thoughts and translating it to the written part of the award. The experience taught me that "good enough" is not good enough at all.

All of this happened without much talk or discussion with my parents - in fact, I don't remember having these types of conversations with my parents.

If possible, I would encourage him to find out why he wasn't promoted to the higher level. Then encourage him to stick it out. Face the facts. See feedback as a gift. Stick it out for one more year.

tell him that he will be just as good as his buddies. the teacher isnt saying that hes not good at playing music but theres got to be something he can work on (pitch control, or the beat maybe) i know it must be devistating to your son. im sure if he does his best next time they have the audition he will blow them away. its hard to say what to do to make him feel better. i guess just encourage him to keep playing. like you said he doesnt want to make the wrong desicion. i think that he should continue to play and practice! good luck!

I'm sorry to hear about your son, I know that right now its hard on him. My suggestion would be to encourage him to assist the teacher with the incoming younger students. Some of the best musicians are also teachers. Talk with the teacher and tell him/her that your son is upset he wasn't moved forward and that you want to make this year positive for him and could he use a student assistant as well as a continuing student. Your son might just gain some valuable knowledge to help him move forward and to enjoy being in band. Best of luck to you and your son.