Advice Needed on Friends/parents' Keeping Their Word

I think we often have good intentions when we say "let's get together," but we don't realize how tough that might be. I worked part-time in the summer and have my son in a lot of camps. That really fills the day. Then you're on vacation, etc. The summer really flies. We haven't had many playdates.

I genuinely feel the same way. I just think it's funny that we're all claiming that we follow thru on what we say, and yet, if we all do, who are the ones not following thru? LOL

Yes, this happens ALL the time. I try not to let it bother me - it did as first but it's so commonplace nowdays. I know everyone is busy but I think that is often a flimsy excuse.

It happens to just about everybody I know too - have talked about with with plenty of friends and all of us have heard these exact lines of let's get together or we'll do a playdate, etc. And we repeat those phrases ourselves to other people too - we're guilty of it as well.

I think there are 2 kinds of people in the world - those who follow through and those who don't and you are the type of person who follows through. So it drives you nutty with people who can't make the effort. Yes, don't you love the birthday invites - you can easily say no to those if you think the person has not made an effort in keeping up a friendship though. Just say no!

I have learned that it's the quality of friendships, not the quantity. I have met a couple of very, very close friends who get along great with me and our kids get along wonderfully too. We always reciprocate and get together frequently. They will email me or call and I do the same and there is no resentment if a few weeks pass by without hearing from someone. A true friend always says, I am so glad to hear from you - not why haven't you called! That is how you can tell if someone really values the relationship where they are not keeping score so to speak.

The rest of the so called friends who are always saying, oh, let's get together...I just reply, sure, call me and get back to me on a date (because I can tell when it's not sincere) and leave the ball in their court. But I don't sit by the phone waiting. I just focus on the nurturing relationships and the others I have learned to "let it go". If they really want to meet up, I figure they will chase me down.

I do agree everyone is busy, but I think if someone really truly wants to get together they will make it happen.

Keep positive and focus on the friends who reciprocate!

I am so busted.........I'm sure I've said that. In all honesty, I never intend to NOT call someone, but each and every summer goes so fast. While this was also an issue before we had our 4th child .....surprise(!!), between naps, baseball, vacations, errands, chores.....the days fly! Just last week after the softball game, a friend of my daughters asked if we could do a playdate. I said, sure, but next week would be better. It is Thursday, and my daughter just asked me when we were going to call Jenna back. WHAT?! A whole week went by???? We have had friends over, but it usually consists of taking friends home after the ballgame- more spontaneous. Or, we'll invite someone along to the pool and they just end up spending the night.
I really don't think people are trying to be rude, it's just as others have said, things get busy. Now, if people say, "I will call you on Friday so that we can plan such-and-such", then they don't call, that is a little more of an issue. If there is a concrete plan and people are flaking out, that would be more concerning. I'm sure you don't want to be the one who always calls them, but you could say something like, "Since you said you'd call at _____ time and you didn't, I wanted to make sure everything was still on or that something didn't come up". Call them out on their quote. If I had made a purposeful arrangement, then renigged without notifying the other person, I would feel bad. Then, if they called me to see what the deal was, I would NEVER make that mistake again!! I'd be embarrassed. However, the more random, "I'll call you sometime this summer", isn't exactly a plan, but more like a tentative possibility. It's different than "I promise to call you by July 1st". I know it's frusterating. If you really want to get together with them, email them back with a list of days and times and tell them to pick what works best for them. If you make several attempts like this with calls and emails and they still don't plan something, give up.

I feel the same way it makes me feel like what did I do. I moved to my new neighborhood and meet some stay at home moms. We have had like 4 play-dates that was at the beginning of summer. Now we have had none they say ohh we will get together, so when I call are text they say ohh I can't make it. My son birthday is coming up so I sent out invites to them, and one said she will come then turn around and said she couldn't make it cause thats her birthday too I said I understand about that no biggie, but the second mom just said No I text and she didn't even text back so I am like bump her I will not put my feeling on the line anymore with her. I am sorry for venting but I just know how you feel.

At the end of school, everyone is so happy to say, "Sure...let's get together and plan something!" But, the truth is, summer is such a busy time for so many people. I don't think they mean to be rude, but I do know what you're saying about trying to plan things.
My son's birthday is June 28, well after school lets out. I learned a long time ago to have his birthday parties for his friends and school mates BEFORE school lets out. That's the only way I know people will be in town and in one spot. It's worked out really well that way.
Summer time can be really hit or miss with vacations, daycare, daycamps, kids going to stay with grandma. Scheduling everything you WANT to do can be really tough. For the most part, I think people have best intentions.
I had something scheduled with a friend but her son's carwash fundraiser got switched to another day at the last minute, not by her, but the place that agreed they could use the parking lot and she didn't call me. My feelings were a bit hurt because it wasn't like her, but when she told me what happened, I understood.
I always strive to keep my word even if others don't and at least I know I have that integrity. But, I don't get bogged down in knocking other people if they are forgetful or something comes up at the last minute. Some things can't be helped and like I said, even with the best intentions, things don't work out.
I agree that people should keep their word, but if you don't have something specific scheduled, you can always just go about your business anyway and try not to be offended. That way you won't feel like you're waiting around anyhow.
I guess I have the opposite problem.
I have friends that agree to do things at a certain time and they show up a couple hours early knowing that I won't be ready and they tap, tap, tap their foot for me to hurry up. Since when does 2pm mean noon? And if they meant noon, I wish they would just tell me that.
So, I guess it goes both ways in that regard.
Try not to take things too personally.
If someone says next week will work, sometimes you have to give a jingle to remind them.
Some people just space things.
Or, they don't write it down on a calendar and think they'll remember.
If you want to make plans, share them and invite someone, but you don't have to let your plans go just because no one else shows up.
Their loss.

Hang in there.
Enjoy your summer.

I notice a lot of people are like this - lacking integrity and consideration for others, and often ashamed to admit it. You can point it out to them in a calm respectful way and if they are mature they will acknowledge it and make an effort to be more reliable and considerate. If they are immature they may just avoid you to avoid facing their irresponsible behavior. People are often real busy and just don't have time for all they say they'd like to do, which means they need to learn to be more conscious of what they say and commit to if they want to have integrity. In dealing with it we have to take into account how other people are and not be disappointed or take it personally when others are inconsiderate.

This made me think about the number of times I said, "I call you," or "we'll see" without thinking about it. It is kind of like a reflex sometimes. "Friends" actually did a funny episode about this issue. Chandler wanted to break up with Rachel's boss but had trouble walking away and not saying, "I'll call you."

When I am serious I usually say I'll call you by next Friday or something specific. I also usually ask the other person, if they haven't heard from me by then to please call me.

My ability to have a serious conversation about this stuff is directly related to how stressed and overwhelmed I am at any given moment. My Dad just died in March after being really sick for two years. I have made more calendar screw up in the last year, than I think I have the rest of my entire life combined. Some times people need a little understanding.

I don't know about where you are but we have only been out of school for four weeks. That isn't that long.

Lastly, my daughter is 10 years old, and one thing I have learned is to try to set up a few specific plans for the summer before school ends. We usually try to schedule a sleepover with one of her friends each month during the summer, so she'll be sure to see them a least a little.

When I was working, we just didn't see the school friends over summer. Mon-Fri she went to camp, and the weekends were all the things that needed done for the next week, just like during the school year, or getting ready for our one yearly family vacation that usually took place in August.

Now that I am not working, we are around but few others are. We tend to do stuff, just the kids and I during the week. The pool is a big one and she can usually find her friends there. No plans are actually needed everyone just turns up there at some point.

Regarding people saying they'll do something and they don't. I guess I see "I'll call" as a more general statement without an expiration. That is very different than I'll pick you up at the airport Saturday. I would never not pick someone up at the airport if I agreed to it. I might say "I'll call" without really thinking about when I'll get to it.

Thanks for making me think about this some more, I really don't mean to upset people by not calling quickly.

I think this is a common problem, and it both happens to me, and I also flake out on plans with friends... especially in the summer time, it's a more relaxed pace, and people just want to spend time with family a lot (at least, I do).

I also had lots of plans with friends at the beginning of the summer, but a lot of those plans haven't panned out. I'm kind of used to this now, because being parents of young children means you have to expect the unexpected. Kids get sick, relatives drop in as a surprise, there are dental and doctors' appointments...

My advice is to continue to be reliable and consistent yourself, as much as possible, and you will be valued as a friend who keeps her word. If others can't do this, you don't have to extend yourself to them. Wait for them to contact you. I don't think it's a personal thing that your friends do... I think it's just the summer mentality for now, and throughout the year, it's the nature of our scattered lives. We all do so many things, wear so many hats, that it's not always possible to keep plans we make with friends. At the same time, it is important to communicate about these attempts, and I will immediately apologize if I have to break a plan, and my friends (mostly) do the same. Hope that helps!!

I've been feeling the bite of this at times as well. Making a loose date with someone to get together on a specific date, then when I call they don't answer the phone. (She explained 3 WEEKS LATER that they'd decided to sleep late that day, great I had told my kids we were getting togehter!!.) I also have issues with people telling me they'll be happy to take my kiddos to an event and then at the very last minute they aren't able to. I don't know if my sense of responsiblity is skewed, but it seems to me if you tell someone you'll do something you do it!!

I hear you. I feel the same way sometimes. I think that "I'll call you" should not be considered a firm commitment these days. I moved a lot and learned on the way that if you want to find friends and set up playdates for your kids you have to be proactive yourself.
I thought I would be setting up playdates for my sons all summer but so far we haven't had a single one. First we were on vacation, now I have the hardwood guys in the house and am unable to host a date and next week the boys cousins are coming for a visit and since they don't speak English, there won't be a playdate while they are here. First possibility for us to set something up: First week of August. Crazy, how time flies!

This is a HUGE peeve of mine. My best friend, whom I love dearly, is this type of person. In fact, she told me on Wednesday that she would call me Thursday to find out when she could bring her kids over to swim. It's now Friday afternoon and no call, no text, nothing. I even got a Facebook IM from a mutual friend asking if I had heard from her.

To take the peeve further, they actually MAKE the plans, fully commit to doing whatever it is, but never nail down a time. "I'll call you when we're all awake." 9am... 10am... Finally at 11:30-12 you get the phone call "Ready for the beach?!"

I try to ignore it, but it does hurt. Now I just don't tell my girls they have a play date until I'm 100% certain all parties are going to follow through. I don't know how else to handle it because you don't want to damage your friendship/relationship by telling the person how you feel.

It is difficult for sure, and I do understand where you are coming from, but I do think people mean well, it is just summer craziness and most likely not personal at all. One thing I would suggest is to plan "events"... park days, zoo days, lunch outing, etc. and email everyone that might be interested the details of what you will be doing and some of them just might join you, but don't want to make the "commitment" ahead of time. I've done a lot on my own with my daughter and we always find kids and families to hang out with. Good luck :-) (you might want to look at joining a parent or mom's group if one exists in your community -we have one)... they plan all sorts of things and can have some good success with participation.

yes we had the same 'let's have playdates,' and so far, playdates are coming out of my ears. plenty of those.
there are a few who have not 'kept' their word. so i have made the calls and scheduled the playdates at my house. one said i can't make it that day, so i said ok choose a date when it's convenient for you to have us over. meaning, lady, this is the date i chose, if it doesn't suit you, take your turn :)
it worked.
don't be upset. just organize things best you can to keep kids entertained.

I hope you are not talking about people like me. lol
I always say that "I would LOVE to get the kids together" (because I really would!) followed IMMEDIATELY by "but we have SO much going on this summer it will be a real challenge. You've got our number? I'll try to call you when we have a calm moment to figure out some time."

Ours summers go by in a flash.. and the past few summers, my older child has been away on vacations (with extended family) multiple times and just plain is not here. When he is, his karate class is year round and he has to make up classes that he has missed being gone, which can be hard to work around. Plus, I want to spend some time with just my kids as well. So it gets harder and harder as the years go by. In fact, my son is gone right now, due back tomorrow night, and WE (family) go away next week for several days for vacation. When we get back, our youngest is flying to CA with her g-ma to visit extended family. Then they are practically back in school again! I feel like I don't have much down time to get together with ANYbody this summer.
:(

But I always say as much up front. I really would like to foster the kids' friendships over the summer. But we have a LOT that goes on during the summers and it just is hard to find days that work. I feel like I am always packing them off somewhere...

I think Summer is difficult for alot of parents especially the ones that work. For example my husband and I both work but the husband has two days off during the week typically Monday and Tuesday or Thursday and Friday just depending on how his boss writes the schedules out. My inlaws will have the children the other three days so I don't get to see my kids for basically three days but it gives me a break so I actually LOVE summertime.
So basically there is only 2 days excluding the weekends that I have to "get-together" with anyone and usually I am so dab-blasted tired that I just don't have the energy. For the ones that work full-time their weekends is all they have to catch up on everything from chores, yard-work, kids sporting activities, etc.
I think when they say so they mean well and want to keep their word but since there is no "set" schedule per say like the structured school days it makes it harder to commit to things because things are so hectic. You got kids going to day camps, kids going to visit grandma for two weeks, and their own family vacations and perhaps they are having to cover for other people at work taking time off as well.
If we all weren't so busy then these type things might just be possible but the type of world we live in everyone is so so busy but that is when the actual person has to say Whoa! Wait a minute and MAKE the time for others. I am guilty of it myself but like I said my kids aren't even at home three days out of the week and the days the hubby is off we kinda like those days to ourselves.

I think people get so busy with their own things they forget to keep in touch with others. I agree with you not many people keep their word, it like it doesn't mean anything anymore. I don't blame you for being upset. My rule is if you know there is a change you won't make it then don't say you will. To me you're keeping your word means everything, it says a lot about who you are. To bad you're so far away other wise we could hang out..
Best luck to you. :)

People are so busy being busy. I get your frustration. Hence, pack a picnic and take your children to the park. Visit the library and local sites. Don't know where your are; but get online and search for them. Make the Summer a fun season for you and the kids. Open the door to meet other like-minded, fun, and loving people.
Blessings, S.

To be honest I have the same issues with my "friends"

I tried to help out some of them by babysitting their kids etc. Everytime I tried to suggest us hanging out it was "oh i can't today, or I'm super busy maybe next week"

So I ended up stopping babysitting for these people because it turned into me babysitting for 4-5 days a week without ANY type of payment or "Thank yous" When I have a young son of my own.
So I told them I'd have to stop doing it as much as I was, but was still willing to help out when i could.

That was about a year ago...Haven't heard a WORD from these so called "friends" of mine since

K.,
I think you are being a bit sensitive. Those "promises" were probably made with good intentions, but life is busy these days and people get overwhelmed. Try to be forgiving, and understanding. I would tell you to try about 3 times. Then if you never get a call back........look for new friends.
:)