Emailing Parents About Playdates

Why can't the kids just go outside and play with the other kids in the neighborhood? That's how we did it when we were kids.
Why do they need to make appointments to play together?

Fuzzy, not everyone lives in a neighborhood with children, nor does everyone live in the type of environment where it's even safe to send your kids outside. Setting up play dates is the only way for many kids to socialize outside of school, so we make it happen!
I think it's fine to reach out to other parents. But maybe make sure that's what your kids want first. Some kids like to decompress during the summer, spending time on their own or just with family.
Also, could you join a pool, or club like the YMCA? That's a great way for kids (and parents!) to socialize during the summer.

Having lived in both a traditional neighborhood and a less "social" neighborhood with big lots and long driveways I will say getting kids together is very different depending on your surroundings.

To those that say you leave it up to your 7 year old to meet up with friends... How do they get there? How is it established when they need to be picked up, who will be supervising? My kids had besties living next door for years but they also had other friends that required a little planning in order to see.

Unless it's the type of place you can just open the door and let them go at it then of course parents have to be involved. As for what to call it, who really cares. I didn't use the term play date much but with kids that are now 11 and 15 I have set up a million social meet ups over the years. I'd say by about 10 years old I was totally out of the planning process but of course still spoke with parents concerning details.

You're going in the right direction! Good for you.

I would not expect any kid of seven or eight to set up his or her own play dates; that's too young to do that. Parents must be involved because kids don't know their own schedules at that age, and parents must transport them (and be present, for some play dates, for instance in a park or somewhere that's not the other family's home). I would not expect this of any kid at this age -- not just kids who have social issues. So yes, you need to be active in setting up playdates, which would be good for your kids.

I would not just toss them out the door and say "Play with the neighborhood kids" as many MP parents feel is the right thing to do. Your kids sound like they would not be comfortable with that, and we don't even know that your neighborhood HAS kids the right ages to play with yours. So don't feel pressured to just .send them outside for unsupervised play with random kids. They won't do well with it, from what you describe. Realistically, with kids' schedules even in summer (summer sports leagues, camps, vacation trips etc.) yes, you do need to make some appointments, especially in the case of kids like yours who need a push.

You mention that you texted a mom to ask if they wanted to "stop by our house this summer" and you mention that you might "send an e-mail to the other parents" asking about getting together. Both of those sound way too vague -- Instead, ask a specific parent about a specific date and time, every time. No blanket e-mails to multiple parents. Just saying "drop by any time this summer" will end in disappointment since parents and kids are so busy with camps, family travel, etc. Be specific with invitations.

So: "We wanted to see if Susie is free next week for a play date at our house. Wednesday, Thursday or Friday would work for us and mornings are best. What about 9 to 11 on Wednesday?" If that doesn't work, be ready to ask: Would the other days that week be better? Don't press and press if the parent seems to have nothing that works. Move on.

Or: "We're going to Local Park on this week and then walking to get ice cream. Would you and Child like to join us? We were thinking of going on Monday at 2:00 and being home by 5:00." And so on.

Texts after a long time, like the one you describe, are not really enough -- I would phone that one mom and just say frankly, "Daughter has been asking to see Your Child (if that's true) and I'd like to see you. It's been so long. Would you and Child be able to get together the week of June 23? We're flexible on times that week."

Do be sure to get to know the parents of your kids' school friends and other friends. When you know the parents, it is far easier to talk with them more openly about "you know, Sally has some issues making friends" etc. and they may have ideas to help you. Also, knowing these parents is a good resource for when your kids return to school. Are you able to volunteer IN school during the school year at all? That's a great way to watch your kids interacting with other children and to get to know some active, involved parents.

My oldest has ADHD and is 7, and has only been invited for 3 play dates (meaning--initiated by the mom, not set up by me & my mom-friends) over the past 2 years.

From time to time I send out a group email (or more likely in our case, a Facebook group post--each grade's parents have a FB group) to the other parents from school and just say something like, "Hi, we'll be at Central Park on Tuesday from 10 until lunch time. Would anyone like to join us?" There's usually just a few takers--sometimes people I never would have expected to reply do, and then POOF--new school acquaintance for me (also potentially a new friend) & someone who wants to play with my kids.

I like that format because it's very low pressure. It doesn't require a reply, so only people who are interested reply, or they might suggest another date/time. And remember, summertime can be VERY busy for some people, so they might WANT to get together, but just can't arrange it.

At those ages, kids can't set up playdates by themselves so it's very normal to email. And not all neighborhoods have kids outside randomly playing. So I've seen people send the emails about meeting up at a park and we rarely go - not sure many other people do either. They're so open ended and you don't know who will go and my kids want to go with good friends, not kind of random kids from class. You'd have to know too if you want one child there in particular whether that child's mother works or not. And I don't usually want to hang out with mothers I don't know. I think simpler to email the mom of one child you think might play with yours and see if that child would like to come over one day. You could say we have xyz to play with or offer to take them to the park. Lots of kids likely are in camp or it may not work but doesn't hurt to try. Don't pester people but an email or two isn't a big deal.

I think it's fine. Once I meet a parent the first time, we usually exchange cell numbers, and set up future kid get-togethers by text. And I think that meeting at a playground is perfect for a first get-together, especially if the parents haven't met yet (I wouldn't let my child go to a house where I've never met the parents).

My oldest is 7 (almost 8) and although he sometimes makes plans with friends at school, I always tell him that plans aren't final until the parents talk. So I don't think it's out of the ordinary at all to have the parents involved in making plans at this age. After all, they can't drive themselves to each others houses.

Initiate!
Ask your kids who they want to hang out with, then call or email with specific day & time.
Otherwise it's like the vague " we should do this again sometime..." thing.
Good luck!

I think it's a great idea. Just say something along the lines of "now that the kids are out of school they'd love to hang out with their buddies. We're around the weeks of [whatever] and would love to have some friends over, go on an outing or meet up at the park. Please let me know your availability and we can try to get something on the calendar!"

If you send it out to a group, you can get a conversation started about who is around when. You might hear back that one family is on vacation this week and at camp that week but around on certain weeks, or that another family is around every Tuesday, etc. and get an idea of who is around when.

I think that not being so savvy at setting up playdates is totally normal at that age. My younger boys have been doing this since pre-school and Kindergarten, but they had older siblings to learn from and knew that if they waited for me to do it, I'm so busy and distracted that they'd never see anyone. Two of my 3 boys have ADHD and it hasn't interfered with their social lives, they just end up hanging out with other kids who are kind of like themselves (so quiet and a little spacey for my oldest, loud and obnoxious for my middle son).

I bet an e-mail from you would be welcome to other moms who are also cobbling together their summer schedules. I know that I can't remember who goes to daycare all summer, who travels, who is at camp and who is at home so to have that info in one place would be great. That way when planning the week we can just refer back to that and say "well Tommy is out of town this week but Sam is around in the afternoon so let's call him and see if he wants to go swimming."

Normally I don't manage my kids' social lives much but with the craziness of summer and working parents, it's not like we're all just sitting at home with our kids running around the neighborhoods like it's 1977. I think that for summer, it's helpful and necessary for parents to plan a bit in advance.

Emails are great ~ gives the other parents an opportunity to talk to their children to see if they want to/when they can do a play-date. In our area (b/c we don't live in a neighborhood so my kids can't just go outside and play with other kids) I communicate with other Mom's via text.

I would not assume my oldest (almost 7) could adequately set up a play date either. I think calling or emailing would be a great idea. You could always leave it open and tell them you will be at X location on X date at X time and would love if their child(ren) could attend. That way if the kids do not get along then she can either not show up or politely decline as it's not a specific invitation, if that makes sense?!

No one I know sets play dates with me either except for one friend and a few others who are "my friends" who happen to have kids, but no random parents of kids. You have to initiate. My daughter befriended a neighbor she could see from our yard so I introduced myself and we worked out a way to trade yard and play dates..but they're very last minute. Pretty much based on when the kids see that the other kids are out and then at THAT MOMENT they ask to play.

The challenge is that EVERYONE truly is very busy. It's not easy to "set a future day and time" for kids to get together and play. I'm just lucky some of the friends I have also have kids, so we make our own plan and kids come along.

Try to feel out the natural availability of people and work within that. It's sometimes better to jump on someone's last minute trip to the park-if you're going, ask a neighbor kid to join-than to try to plan in advance. Or if your kids are in activities, ask the parents what they do weekends or whatever-roller rink Sundays? maybe you can join or offer to drive....whatever is already going on is what's easiest to work with. Don't feel bad no one sets them with you. People really don't do that to my knowledge unless they're really "play date people", and even then it's with their friends, or parents they've met out with their kids.

And I wouldn't worry about your kids not fitting in unless they're mean, kids are very accepting at this age I find. In our area anyway, all KINDS of kids run around the neighborhood and parks together, from super awkward to super cool..so.it's more about finding the time.

I would send out an email or text to several parents with days/time/location.

I often would coordinate kids that seem to get along well or have siblings that match.

I often have the intent to set up playdates, yet often get busy with stuff. I actually feel bad I have not return an email to meet out with 2 different people (both lovely with nice children). I would hate to think they were blown off because of their kids' behavior. On the other side, I am very clear with a sweet mom with a truly dangerous child. No, we can not meet up with you with an honest excuse. I do not say anything negative about her son. She hears it enough from school.

Okay, I was thinking pre-school age when you mentioned setting up playdates.

Please don't call it that. Only tiny kids have playdates. That sounds...too young for your kids.

Why not have the kids sit down with you there to help them out if they get stuck and have them invite a couple of kids to meet up at a local playground or area they like to go to. The more casual it is the more I'd like it.

I think my 7 year old would be embarrassed to have me set up a play date for him with his school mates. You could always ask them if they want you to do this too.

If they are inept and can't do this, it's very hard for some kids to cross this social hurdle, then I think emailing a couple of parents that you personally know outside of the classroom would be okay. Just plan a....accidental meet up where the kids don't know they're having a planned play time.