Advice and or Parenting Book Recommendations

Hi T.,
I highly recommend the book '1-2-3 Magic' which is a great book about time outs, the importance of not getting upset, if at all possible, and so on. I'm sorry, I don't remember the author.

I ordered this book on Amazon titled "Have A New Kid by Friday." The author is Dr. Leman. It is a good book!! I am very pleased with what I have ready and look forward to using his technique soon.

Parenting with Love and Logic is a good one, I recommend the toddler to age six version.

Your husband may be reacting in that way because he doesn't have the "tools" necessary to deal with that behaviour, its somewhat normal. I recommend you guys find a book/style that you can both use and agree on so your styles are cohesive.

Good luck

I also HIGHLY recommend Raising your Spirited Child. I overnighted this book from Amazon when my husband and i were at wits end with our two year old. I was crying in the first chapter!!! It was very moving and by a quarter of the way thru my son had done a complete 180 in his personality -or maybe it's the way we're handling things differently, whatever it is, it works!! Good luck!

My favorite parenting book is not necessary helpful for your specific request but I think it is a great "old school" philosophy---and no, that doesn't mean beating kids! It's a funny and quick read, called "Confessions of a Slacker Mom" Just a reflection on modern child raising, and how a lot of the things we worry about are so unnecessary.
Give it a read when things quiet down. I wish you luck with your spirited son and your stern husband. They sound pretty familiar...Don't worry, it will get better. = )

Hi T.,

Well...........it sounds like the "apple didn't fall far from the tree"......Unfortunately, our kids learn by example, and your son probably wants to be just like Daddy, so he takes whatever he can learn and uses it for himself.

It sounds like you need to have a chat with your DH about his approach to your son.

I used to be more of a "yelling" parent.....I embarrassingly admit that :o) HOWEVER, Once I got more organized & scheduled it allowed me to relax and have time for "understanding negotiations". By handling these instances (bedtime, eat your food, time to come in, etc...) in a more positive way has REALLY made a difference over the years with my boys. My boys have not yelled or demanded in a LONG time, and I'd like to believe it's because of my example.....

Last night I had a "chat" with my overly tired 6 year old because he wanted to stay up later.....well it's the second week of school, and my kids are EXHAUSTED, so I wasn't allowing it at all. BUT......in his mind, he was only asking for 5 more minutes to play with Daddy who just got home late from work :o( My deal was, if he could get ready for bed REALLY fast, then Daddy would read him a story while he's in bed.....something we've stopped doing to help create independent reading. It worked....it only took me about 5 minutes to help him understand the importance of his rest......without any further argument, he was in bed and ready for his Daddy time (which unfortunately is like "gold" in our home right now).

Be patient with your son. He wants to be like his Daddy. Sometimes we have to nicely and surprisingly say "Oops....are you sure you want to talk to me like that? Why don't you try again....." You will especially need to use these words if you don't get cooperation from your husband :O)

Good Luck, T.!

~N. :o)

Keepers of the Children by Laura Ramirez
You Are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy

I know different parenting style can be a challenge. I believe in democratic approach as opposed to authoritative and dominating approach. Despite my belief, there are times when I am not living up to my own standards and find myself yelling and dominating. At such times, my husband jumps in and takes my side and gets even angrier than me whereas I want my husband to help me remove myself from the situation so I can take time to calm down and regain self composure. The observing parent should be a neutral party. It is a not a matter of who is right or wrong but is there some one who will hear out both parties and help them resolve the situation.

When both parents get on one side and demand compliance, it leaves a child feeling that parents are mean and no one loves him. Age 4 is just the start of having such strong feelings and having the need for independence. You are already thinking in the right direction to be mediator to diffuse the situation. All positive discipline, psychology, and even books on professional and personal skills suggest that. A neutral mediator asks each party (child first), I can see that you are upset. I am here for you whenever you want to talk about it. Ask for all details and just listen first and then say so let me understand this, daddy wants you to do this and you do not want to. Both you and your daddy want your needs to be met. Let us put out heads together to see how can we solve this problem. Let us write down ideas and so on. I highly recommend the following books:

-How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (the best book that you can even read with your child. My son loves to read the cartoons that show right and wrong way examples)
- Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
- How to negotiate with kids by Scott?
- Becoming the parent you want to be by Laura ?

Best,
-Rachna

Dear T.,

You are the Mama and NOT meant to be a mediator between your husband and your children. Your son yells and argues because his father yells and argues and gets away with it. This is learned behavior, he sees his father act badly so he is going to act badly. Ask your husband to start talking and stop yelling. Children need parents not dictators.

Your son is old enough to understand when he is asked or told to do something. You and dad should ask, if your son does not obey or starts to yell or argue, he goes immediately into time outs.

If he says things that “aren’t nice”, you or dad tell him “We don’t say things like that in our family”. If he persists again he goes to time out or his room and must apologize for his behavior.

When he is coming out of time out and ready to apologize, make sure he tells you why he is sorry, so everyone understands that he knows what he did wrong.

A great parenting book--The Bible---not bad for adults either. I always say, "They are not The Ten Suggestions!

Blessings.....

HI T.,
I sure don't have all the answers but I would say check out a book called Positive Disapline A-Z. I too just had a baby and need to make sure I am reading all the q's my other kids are sending me correctly. I remember when my middle two kids were younger that book felt like gold. I had a young teen and two toddlers at that time and the advice seemed to apply to all ages even worked on my husband. Hang in there.
:-)W.

Hi T., good question!
I have love and logic, great book. I dont use everything out of it but instead pick things that go with what is going on. also, scream free parenting- this one isnt as good as love and logic but has some great tips. I baught them all at barnes and nobles.
Good luck, I wish kids came with instructions!
-R.

I love "The Key to Your Childs Heart" by Gary Smalley

It would be great for both of you to read it sounds like. I like that he gives examples of his own child rearing both positive and negative. The skills he teaches are effictive with adults too.

LOVE the Supernanny Q & A book: quick answers to questions organized by issues.

Ames and Ilg "Your Four Year Old" (or two, three, five, six, etc) the best series I've ever found for helping you feel as if you are not alone, your child is normal and this too will pass.

Four is terrible two with an attitude, and add ten and you'll see fourteen with more of an attitude and more (not necessarily better) communication skills!

Good luck! Five is wonderful.

There's a book that parents I know swear by that they got at a Christian bookstore called, I think, "Have a New Kid in Seven Days". I don't know who the author is. My friends like it because it's an easy read, it's simple to follow, and the kids actually respond to the lessons taught in it. An example that I am using is that when you want your child to do something and they don't do not nag them. You let them know there is a consequence for not obeying. Then when they want something you remind them that they did not clean their room ( or whatever it was) so you won't be doing it until the room is clean. They respond well since they know it is in their control. Also, I agree with the other response when she mentioned that children learn what they see. If your husband is a yeller then your child will be one too. Good luck with both! :)

I agree with the mom who said it's not your job to mediate between your husband and your son. Tell your husband that kids learn what they live, and you don't want your son to learn yelling, demanding, and arguing. If he can't stop on his own, you might want to try to get him to go to counseling.

As far as parenting books, the more of them you read, the more ideas you'll have about what to do and what not to do, what approaches appeal to you, and what things you just don't like and don't agree with. I was always most impressed by Penelope Leach's parenting books.

Since you have a newborn and some of this behavior seems related to the new baby's arrival - try "Siblings without Rivalry." I just read it and WOW did it open my eyes! Basically the idea is to validate how your son is feeling without condoning the behavior. In other words, "I can tell you feel sad because I have to feed the baby right now instead of playing cars with you." You show that you're understanding how he feels, and that is what he wants and needs. You can also say, "I know you're feeling mad right now, but it's not okay to yell at Daddy and me. When you are ready to talk about it, we'll be right here." In other words, we want to hear what you're saying, but it is not okay to act how you're acting right now.

I've just been trying this for a couple of days with my 4 year old and it's making a difference. Good luck!

Please read Raising Your Spirited Child and Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years.

The Spirited Child book will help you understand your child's personality and the best way to get through to him. The Love and Logic book will help to give your child options that will allow him to behave better yet feel autonomous. One of the biggest problems at this age is their need to feel more independent. These books helped me with my headstrong 3yo. Good luck!

Dear T.,

Try 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan. It was awarded the National Parenting Publication Gold Award. And I can honestly say it works!! I have a 3 1/2 yr old and tantrums are his hobby. It is also aimed at teachers w/ difficult students.
The key is no emotion no talking (they call it engaging) while you count and at 3 it is time out (a minute for each year of the kids age) and it WORKS!! It covers all the possibilities and it was a life saver for hubby and me!
Hope you check it out! Good luck!

I am not sure how old your new baby is, but my 2 1/2 year old was crazy for a few months after my new baby was born. It eventually just went away on its own.

Hi T.,

There will be a children's wellness expo in Alameda on Sept 12 a panel of doctors will be sharing solutions that address these challenges we have with our children.

If you are interested let me know and I will send more info.

Good luck.

N. Marie

"Parenting with Love and Logic" saved our household when my middle daughter was 2-3 years old. She was very powerful and had somehow become the master of the house. This book helped me turn that around.

Good luck!

Two suggestions. One, the year by year books by the Gesell Institute by Louise Bates Ames are excellent. You will want to look for "Your Four Year Old: Wild And Wonderful" at the library or bookstore. Two, "Becoming The Parent You Want To Be" by Davis and Keyser is also great. Good luck!

Greetings T.: May I ask what age group you teach?
My husband was a teacher so I know that you ahve your text books that have the answers you are seeking. The TIP NEW BABY & change of rolls.
I am the mother of 5 and the grandmother of several cuties.
You are describing normal 4 year old behavior with a new born in the home that changed his life entirely.
I know that parents have different styles and that means lots of compromise. My husband was the heartbeat and gentle one in the family , I on the other hand have always been tougher and firmer. We called it balance. Your little man has been the center stage of your life and nowhas been upstaged by someone that can't play, can't be alot of fun and means that his world is different. Just take time for him alone and let him be a little boy not expect him to be a little man. 4 is a hard age tobegin with, your not really little and yet your not really a big guy either. Make sure that he gets his special times, play and story times. When holding your baby, try and whisper into your son's ear about how special he is to you and how much he means in your life. I have learned how to talk quietly to our children and grandchildren so they have to listen and tell them how much I appreciate them. It works for 42 year olds and 4 year olds (I have both).
I know there are hundreds of books out there that have just as many thoughts about parenting but the most important book you will read will be the one that means so much to your son and something that interests him- bible stories, nemo,dogs, whatever. Good Luck and I hope that you will enjoy the adventure of parenthood. It is the most rewarding thing that you will ever do. Nana G

www.positivediscipline.com
We took a local 7 week course at our local community center. You might be able to find one. Best thing we ever did....my daughter is VERY stubborn and difficult sometimes and it's hard to deal with sometimes.