Advice About Acceptable Means of Comunication with Ex During Divorce Proceedings

I do see what they are saying. many times in the written form, things can be taken the wrong way. For example to accentuate a work you might type like this. See how these 2 sentences read to you" I told you we have plans this weekend" versus "I TOLD YOU WE HAVE PLANS THIS WEEKEND". One will come across as saying and the other is yelling. It is really hard to be heard, and the other person takes you literally, they dont know when you are joking. I did read inteh paper though, that non custodial parents are going to start to be allowed to communicate with the kids via email just becuase it fits better in everyones schedule. That way they stay in touch with the kid more and at convenience. But with parents, i agree iwth the law. Does this help?

L.,

I am a former paralegal, and have much experience in family law. I would recommend that you consider a different representation if the current one is not taking care of you adequately. I do not think that you should be having this sort of problem. Again, if you are unable to get another attorney, and/or determine why your current attorney is unwilling to assist, you can speak to the court directly regarding this type of issue. If one represents oneself in
a divorce, that's ok, just be sure that you understand what is taking place since your ex has representation. This might become complicated due to that fact. But, if you pursue getting your attorney to help, or decide to go it alone, either way be sure that your voice is being heard.

take care
K. H.

Honey, ask for a mediator. No one can tell you that you HAVE to speak to anyone in person or on the phone if you don't want to. It is not in the best interest of anyone to have a conversation with someone that you know will end up in a screaming fight within minutes. That's what mediators are for. It's not the best option, but it is one that is available for this purpose. The best option is to stop argueing with him. No one will continue to argue and fight when they're not getting it back in response. The only thing that you are in control of is your response to any given situation. Take control. It may seem difficult, but it is also empowering.

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been there. I am now in a different but similar situation. I am assuming this is the father of your children (or at least one of them). I totally understand not wanting to talk to him if all you are doing is fighting and upsetting yourself always. The hard part is with children involved you have to have communication. My son's father (we were never married so no divorce thank God) will not answer my phone calls or text messages when he doesn't have any child support money for me. That's a whole other story...but basically when i can't get in contact with him it's very annoying. Sometimes I call because I need the money he was supposed to give me and told me he would, and sometimes I call regarding our son. He is so far behind in child support that I don't even stress that right now..we are going back to court regarding all of that. He has decided that he doesn't have to pay the amt he's been court ordered to pay so he's paying what he wants when he wants. The problem is that he lies to me. I tell him I need the amt to cover daycare every other week and he'll give me part of it. He'll tell me he'll give me the rest tomorrow. (we all tomorrow never comes).. Part of it doesn't help me. I have to give my son's daycare all of it. I don't call his house because his new wife will freak out..but I guess I'm going to have to. It's unfortunate. The problem is that communication is key and you have to be able to speak to each other. You really can't convey everything you need to through a text message or an email. I just wanted to give you opposite input.
I don't know your situation and I believe that every situation is unique..there may be a reason why this should or would work in yours and he is just pushing because that's what he wants.
I'm very sorry...it's never any fun to go through this. Just know that you are not alone and things will get better.
D.

I am not a lawyer and I have never gone through this but my cousin has. Her lawyer made her tape all conversations on the phone and needed copies of all emails and txt messages. Maybe if you could have your current or new lawyer send them a message that you will comply but that everything will be taped they will back off. I suggest you buy a cheap recorder and you will probably keep your cool if you know you are taping (he might too). If you are talking to him and he asks you any questions you don't think you should answer then just say you will have to talk to your lawyer first. I know your biggest problem is that it has turned nasty so just make sure he is the one that looks bad on tape, not you. It might even make you feel better that you were strong enough to do it.

Get a new attorney, who will take care of these things for you.
When I went through my 1 and only divorce 13 years ago, my attorney was great. Of course there wasn't email issues back then. I had to get a restraining order because my ex would just come by unannounced and then the fight would be on again. Or he'd come to the house when he knew I was gone and take stuff. Like my bed for instance, all of my lawn equipment (we had an acre of land) and anything he felt he could hock.

I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope for you and the boys it's over quickly.
Take care and God's peace and strength be with you.

I can't give legal advice, but am currently going through the Ex- situation and am a paralegal. I am 41 with 5 and 3 yr old and a very strained/stressed violent ex-relationship. It has been my experience, that unfortunately the Court can deem what defines "frequent and continuing contact", however, a decent attorney on your behalf, should be able to provide support that the contact currently in place is not only sufficient but detrimental to preserve the interests of you and your children.

Hello,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
The only advice that i can give to you is that YOU will need to be the one to SHHHHH when he gets mad and loud. Do not come down to his level. It takes TWO to fight and if you are fighting back than that gives him reason to fight more.
Plus it will show your sons that Dad is out of control and that you have your act together.
I am not saying let him walk all over you. Stick to your idea's and plans just no fighting back.
The more you fight with him the mader you will be as a person.
Try to relax.

From one mother to another.
God Bless You and your family.

I find that funny and ironic. My lawyer told me the opposite. In fact, our counselor said the same. He said there was too much friction so to treat it as a business partner.

The ONLY thing you need to communicate is on when and where and the time for visitation with the children. Money, no communication. His new girlfriend, or your new job, or how you need help.. no communication. Cut all ties. I know my situation will be differnt from everyone elses, but my lawyer said to hide behind him. So I did. Although i paid the price for it, that lack of communication brought my husband home because he realized what he did was wrong and how he was hurting a loving family.

By speaking with him, or showing emotions or feelings be it anger, sadness, frustration or happiness.. it gives a power to anyone to use for control, manipulation, or just to cause grief. This I learned too.

The fact that pete didn't ever know what I was thinking or when or how I was getting along without him, ect. made him understand (over time) just what had happened.

It will be a year tomorrow since the night I caught him with his secretary, but God brought me home a changed man, one who loves his family and his children. One who now believes in God and a God who takes all hardships and pain and turns them into blessings. Pray on it. What you need most right now is faith that in the end, God will take care of your pain. (And no, I don't mean have your ex hit by a train .. I actually prayed for that one night last year!)

Maybe this divorce isn't meant to be and just needs time for both of you to settle and change.

Do not communicate via phone unless you are advised that it is illegal. If you'd like I will send you the email I sent Pete and what it states as to why we can not communicate via phone. Just let me know.

If you need a better lawyer, I strongly suggest Ron Sikes: ###-###-####! (Downtown Orlando) He's the best man in the whole world. Compassionate and Christian, but comes with a $5000 upfront price tag. Just FYI.

Best of luck, no more communication. There's no law to my knowledge that says you have to speak to someone. Sounds like he's playing games. Also, don't give in to paying credit card debt or giving him possessions just so you can maintain custody of the kids. They are two completely seperate issues in divorce proceedings and have nothing to do with one another. It's just a tactic to make you cry every night thinking your children are going to somehow be taken from you.

If you'd like a book called "Winning Custody" by Debra.. something, send me your address and I'll mail it to you. Or check the library or barnes n noble. It helped me a lot even though I didn't end up having to go to court.

I never got an explaination either, just papers that said, "the petitioner is mentally and emotionally unstable to care for her children" .. um.. I'm a stay-at-home mom. He wanted to take custody and have me pay child support! yEA! There were all kinds of other things too.

Divorce doesn't happen because we're happy. Perhaps the anger needs to be assessed and diffused. The easiest way to do this is to say, "I'm sorry." Even if he was totally in the wrong. "I'm sorry that we've hurt each other and more importantly, that I've hurt you." What is he going to say to that. The more kindness you give, the more it will eat him alive. Remember that. And think about why you want this divorce and if there's a chance for resolve.

Check out www.FamilyLife.com it changed my marital life!

J.

Yes, get another lawyer!

One tool that I have found extremely valuable in communicating with my ex is this: After he leaves a message on my voicemail, I just send him a "return message" instead of actually calling him back. If you listen to all of the options you are given after hearing your messages, it should be there. It is on mine. You can answer any questions he may have asked, convey new information, or send a message regarding your kids without actually having to speak to him, but while still adding the more personal and effective verbal communication.

I can definitely understand the frustration your Ex may feel at being limited to written communications, my ex-husband has done the same to me several times. Although it may be a good way to control the situation a bit and limit arguments, there can be huge misinterpretations of virtually every word that passes between you!

Keep your chin up, stay on the high road, and much luck to all of you!

I can honestly say I know what you are going through. I have been married and divorced 3 times. Unfortunately most men are children and no matter how long you were married to them and how much you gave and sacrificed for them, they seem to all forget that when you are going through a divorce. The best advise I can give to you is to become an oscar award wining actress!!!! Be overly nice and civil to the man or dog, which ever fits better in your case. It worked with all three of my ex's they ABSOLUTELY hate it!!!! Let him know that NOTHING bothers you, smile a lot and speak concise and sweetly to him. They all think that they are needed by a women and that upon ending a relationship the women will be lost without them so they all try to use that to get under your skin, don't show him any emotion or weakness or he wins. By you emailing him and texting you're showing him that it bothers you to speak to him, so STOP!! You're better than him and don't EVER forget it. Women ARE the stronger gender and most of us don't see that so even if you don't believe that, make him think that you do and you will be victorious. I promise by you changing your behavior it will catch him totally off guard and he won't know how to react. That's why your lawyer didn't give you any advice on how tho handle the situation, because he's a man too. Whatever you do though don't talk poorly about him to the kids, it never ends up good. As much as you may want to, save it and vent to someone else. Hold your head up high and show everyone involved how STRONG and mature you are and you will make him look like a fool.