Advice - Ferndale, MI

I have not been through this, but my suggestion is that anything you could to to help them around their house, bring them a meal, or things like that would be well appricated. Since I am betting they are spending every minute they can at the hospital.

Honestly...I would just be honest with her. Tell her that if she needs anything to just ask...and actually be there (i can't tell you how many times people say that and then when you ask them they find excuses not to help). Offter to watch her dog, do her laundry, clean her house, whatever it may be, so she can stay at the hospital. Beyond that...sometimes just sitting with her and not saying anything can really help. Sometimes there are just no words...

D.,

You are a nice friend. I did go through this just last year. My son was born at 26 4/7 weeks and was on the ventilator for a week and weaned off of that to CPAP and Nasal Cannula. It's important to know that while in the NICU the doctors tell the worst case scenarios and it's incredibly overwhelming. They don't tell you all of the wonderful miracles they see every day. Tell your friend that you're praying for her, her husband, and the baby --- and then pray, pray, pray. It's tough on the parents but these babies are incredibly resilient and you'll be amazed at what they can do. My little guy was in there for 10.5 weeks and is doing amazing. He is beautiful and an incredible baby. He's always happy, a great sleeper, and still loves to be held!

Everyone is different, but I know my husband and I just wanted to feel like normal people. We didn't want people to be afraid to call us. I had friends who said they just couldn't call because they didn't know what to say (for months).

Helpful things people did: I used blankets in the NICU that I had bought for him and would bring home a bag of blankets every several days and my MIL would wash them and have them ready for me to take back for him; your friend will need button down shirts for "skin-to-skin" holding (it's good for bonding with the baby and if your friend wants to be discreet button down shirts are the best thing!); meals; meeting up at the hospital for dinner/lunch even if she doesn't want people in the baby's room; yard work; magazines or sudoku for when she's just sitting in the room, etc.; give here a notebook to write down all of her questions for the docs as she thinks of them. You could also offer to be a point person for your group of friends to give email updates so that she doesn't have to do that every night. It's tough when you spend all day with docs and nurses who are studying your baby to see what's wrong with him/her when you just want to love them and enjoy them.

I do have a bunch of verses and quotes that were encouraging to me during my stay and my baby's stay at the hospital. They were given to me with a nice journal - I have the verses in a word doc and could email them to you if you'd like! My sister had put them on nice cards for me - you could give her a list or send her one daily - even text them if you thought they'd help! Let me know if you want them and I'll email them to you. I'd also be willing to talk to you or your fri
end if either has any questions: ____@____.com.

There isn't really anything you can actually say to help. Just be there, listen and be supportive. Maybe get together with some other of her friends (if you know them) and take turns taking them dinner. It will be one less thing she has to think about while she is going back and forth to the hospital daily. I have triplets who were born at 33 weeks 5 days. Logan was on a vent for 3 days because they thought he had fluid in his lungs. They all ended up comeing home at 9 days old and have very little problems. Bella has a heart murmur that does not really affect her and when they get sick they tend to get Bronchitus easily. Other than that they are happy, healthy 6 yr olds. I am sure her baby will do fine. :)

I have a friend that had a baby at 28 weeks. The baby stayed in the hospital for about 4 weeks and came home with all kinds of apparatus. Momma was so busy watching and listening to his beepers, she had no time for anything else. Cleaning her house or making some meals for her could be a huge help. Clean, do laundry, cook and hug her alot!AND don't ask her, she will probably say she's fine. Just tell her what you would like to do for her and when you will be there to do it. She is so lucky to have such a thoughtful friend in you!

Hi.. tell your friend to check out the March of Dimes website. I believe they have a chat/support area for mom's and dad's dealing with a preemie in the NICU.

I wish your friend good luck that she'll be bringing her baby home soon and that he will be ok.

I had a friend that had twins at 24 weeks...and a cousin that had a baby early at 30 weeks.
The best thing to do is to treat the situation like any other new baby.
My friend/cousin were both self conscious about it...their baby looked different...they weren't dressed in cute clothes...they had tubes in them...some so preemie that their appearance was not that of a chubby new baby, ya know? They felt robbed of the experience of taking home that newborn and having everyone just go ga-ga over them.
Visit her and act like you would with every other baby...tell her how adorable he is, how cute his little toes are, take pictures (if the hospital allows it), brag him up to others. Do your best to create a happy situation. Your friend knows the real truths and how touch and go the situation could be, the doctors and nurses are reminding her of that for sure. Plus her post partum hormones have her freaking out too.
Give her a break from it, and give her the post baby experience that she planned for.

Hi D.,

I work in a hospital and see moms of preemies all the time. I'd suggest doing real, concrete things for her. Such as, make a meal for her that she just needs to heat up when ready. Dessert too is nice, but not necessary. If she has other children, offer to watch them one day or evening, so she doesn't need to worry about them. Maybe take the children to McDonald's, the movies, a park, Putt Putt etc. So she not only doesn't have to worry about them, but she also doesn't have to feel guilty that she's not helping them have fun at the end of summer. Rented movies and popcorn work great too and that's pretty friendly on the budget.

Now, as for your friend. Don't wait for her to call you. Call her every few days etc. It's always okay to ask about the baby. Even when the baby is having a rough day, or a rough patch of days, moms want to know you haven't forgotten about them and their babies. They want to tell you many of the details. Just be a warm, listening ear. Ask appropriate questions, and keep your judgments out of it. Just listen.

Always remember to ask, after she's had an opportunity to talk about her baby, "Now how about you? How are you doing? What can I do to support and help you out in any way?" Maybe she'll have some really creative thing you can do to help her. Or it might be as easy as, 'could you please pick up a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk when you go to the store'. We moms have the craziest things that weigh heavily on our minds.

Another thought I had is maybe she'd appreciate you straightening up her home for her. You know if you're a close enough friend to do that. Helping with errands, meals, children, just regular keep up of her life outside of the hospital with the baby, will help her a lot. But most of all, having someone ask about the baby, the other family members (don't forget that) and her, will mean the world to her.

You're such a good friend to care enough to look into it.

S.

D. -

It's interesting to see your request today as it was 16 years ago yesterday when my water broke at 26 weeks. Despite everyone's best efforts my son was born 5 days later weighing just barely 2 lbs. He spent his first 3 weeks of life on a ventilator and a total of 4 months in the NICU. It was a very, very difficult time in my life as I worked full-time and had a two year old at home. His primary care nurse (she was an angel and we still correspond) started a journal for him the day he arrived. I wrote in it daily and it was a lifeline for me. If that's not standard practice in the NICU still, I would highly recommend that you encourage your friend to write about her feelings. It helped me so much and I treasure that journal today.

The other thing I craved during that time were success stories of other children who had been born so soon. The doctors are definitely cautious. They give you all the worse case scenarios and don't want you to expect too much. At the time, my son was predicted to have life long breathing issues, sight issues, feeding issues, etc. They told me he'd be very short, would not be able to run, would probably have learning disabilities, could have heart problems, etc. I was stubborn and refused to believe that this was the future for my child. I painted a vivid picture of the life I wanted for my son in that journal. With the support of family and friends, I spent enormous amounts of time holding him, talking to him, feeding him, singing to him. I played music to him and filled his space with inspirational quotes. When I couldn't sleep, I would often go to be with him in the middle of the night. It was so nice that they allowed NICU parents to be there whenever they wanted - and I think it made all the difference.

The happy ending to my story is that despite all the obstacles and the initial prediction that he would not survive, my son will be 16 on Sunday and he is as normal and healthy as can be. The only traces of his difficult beginning is some minor scaring in his nostrils (from months of the nasal cannula) and scaring on his ankles from repeated needle pokes. He is 6 ft. tall and has never had any of the problems the doctors predicted. We just saw his pediatrician (who I obviously got to know incredibly well during all that time) and he continues to be astounded by how we totally beat the odds.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I get very emotional reliving it and I'm so thankful that my son has come so far. From someone who has definitely been there, please know that you can be an incredible friend by encouraging her to write about her feelings, helping her to spend as much time as possible with her son and sharing with her the success stories I hope you get here. She needs that more than anything now.

I'll be sending good thoughts and prayers - L.

Visit the hospital often, every day if you can. I promise that your friend will never forget it. I've been through preemie babies with several problems in NICU, and the best thing you can do is just be there for them. Make sure to not talk about your children and birth experience, as you should not compare. Just listen and ask if you can help. Oh, and bring chocolate...every woman needs it after giving birth - it helps your hormones. Best wishes to you and your friend.

bring her food (especially if she has other kids)
if you can find an hour to sit at the hospital with her, and admire her beautiful baby that would be nice.
don't treat the situation like he's going to die... he probably won't.
buy her a cute preemie outfit, they have them at walmart, gap-online, gymboree....

the thing I most apreciated was when people came up to the hospital to sit with me, or when they would eat some food with me. it gets lonely at the hospital for hours every day. and nothing is better then hearing how cute your kid is :)

having a preemie i the NICU is rough, and lonely. your a good friend, you have kids at home, so just do your best.

I had a preemie at 31 weeks. She is a perfectly healthy 3 year old now :)

Hello D.,

you are a nice friend. just be there for her. ask her if she needs any errands done. if she doesn't want you to clean her house, you can be a bit sneaky...and while you go visit, when you go to the bathroom: clean her sink and toilet. when you go to the kitchen, load or unload her dishwasher. oh, if she needs help w/ her milk, get her anise seed or star anise tea there is also "mother's milk" tea you can get at wholefoods or health food stores. offer to hold the baby so she can do a few things. get her some milk of magnesia (post-partum constipation is a pain). sweep her kitchen floor, sweep her porch. you can do lot's of little things in between visits. any little bit helps. Good luck and congratulations to your friend.

get her the book: smart medicine for a healthier child
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Medicine-Healthier-Child-Jane...

~Carmen~

Just be there for your friend. You don't have to say a lot, just the fact you are with her will help. Also, try making a bunch of meals for her to freeze, so she doesn't have to worry about cooking. Or try and clean her house, or do the laundry so she can spend her time at the hosiptal with her son.

my sister's twins were in the NICU for over a month. I know she just wanted to be with them as much as possible. Offer to watch other kids if she has them or even pets. take meals that she can heat up easily and quickly. give her food gift certs for places close to or in the hospital. my sis didn't want a lot of people to visit too much after they were first born because only two people were allowed in per baby at a time and she and her husband didn't want to give up any time with the babies...they want to do all the things that normal parents get to do like feedings, baths, etc. just ask her what she needs. some people are better at asking for things, so if she says nothing, maybe be more specific and offer to clean house, cut the lawn, etc.

Hi D.,

I delivered our youngest daughter 16 weeks to soon. She was on the ventilator for 108 days. Obviously we were distraught. She's perfectly fine now but its one of those things that you just can't comprehend until it happens to you. I would say listening is a HUGE way of support, your friend may just need to share her feelings with you or her fears and that may do a world of good alone. When we were going through this the only way I was comforted was through hearing stories of other parents. Here are some sites I reccomend:

http://www.marchofdimes.com
http://www.prematurity.org/preemiepgs.html

Also I would be more than thrilled to listen to her or give any personal accounts.

Encourage her that it will get bettter. We had a son with breathing problems and at 10 you would never guess it. Keep up with the treatments and go for agressively helping the baby early as the research I read said that seems to help. Keep looking for ways to keep irritants out of the lungs, smoke, allergins etc.

Our daughter was two weeks old when we ended up back in the hospital with RSV. Not the same thing, I guess, but maybe somewhat similar. I spent every second there with her (away from my husband and away from our two-year-old daughter, who I've never been away from for more than overnight). I liked when people would call in "just to check on us." The empathy helped. However, I did not want to hear about every other person's child had this, too, when they were older. Depending on the type of people they are, you might just have to take the ropes and jump in to help. People would ofeer to do this or that, and we didn't want to burden anyone. My mother-in-law and aunt-in-law came over and cleaned our home. That was really nice. Had they not "just done it," I would've never agreed to let them (I would've felt like I was taking advantage). Another thing you could do, if they're up it, is visit. I spent every moment of an entire week in the hospital with our two-week-old. I wish my sister, or someone else that close, would've come up to visit for a bit. Be sure to take the hint when it's time for them to rest, though. Hope this helps. Good luck!

I just had my third child 3 months ago and he was 5 weeks early and spent 8 long days in the NICU with breathing problems. It was the hardest thing that I had to go thru and leaving him at the hospital was the worst. The best thing that you can do is just be there for her like everyone has said. Offer to take her to the hospital or watch her other kids if she has them. That was a huge stress for us having someone to watch our kids and take them to school so that we could visit the baby. Meals are always nice too because she probably doesn't even think about making them but needs to eat. Also my friend would come and sit with me in the NICU and keep me company while my husband was home with my other 2 kids and that was awesome. I don't know her faith or yours but we had friends that were praying for us and that meant a lot. Hope this helps.