Adoption - Chicago,IL

Now. The sooner the better. Perhaps start with: "Did I ever tell you the story of the day we met you? We got the call..."

The longer you wait, the more chance there is that she will resent being lied to.

Mom of two adopted daughters

tell her now, the longer you wait the harder it will be.
I would find a book about different families that mentions adoption or a story about an adopted girl and go from there.

I would do it now, before it becomes traumatic. I am adopted and it seems like I always knew. However, I'm a different nationality than my parents so I'm sure I would have put it together myself eventually!

I would get some books out of the library on adoption and before you tell her, get her to understand what adoption is. Be sure she knows that being adopted doesn't mean the child wasn't loved because of something they did and that it has a happy ending because now the child has new parents to love them and raise them.

Once she has a good feeling about adoption and fully understands it, then you can gently tell her. I would not tell her she is adopted and THEN explain it. That will only scare her.

Usually when the children are young they take it in a stride and it becomes a part of who they are. If you wait it will only hurt her. She's a good age to understand what it is.

Good luck! And congratulations on adopting!

If it were me I would have been talking about it from the begining.

My daughter is 12 and we've been talking to her about it since the moment she was put in our arms. I told her over and over her "adoption story" which is the story of how she came to be in our family. As she got older, I expanded on the story. She has always known she is an adopted child. You need to be telling her now -- even though 6 is kind of late to start. But start now by telling her that you want to explain to her how she came into your life -- that she grew in your heart not your tummy, and that another wonderful mommy gave her life and loves her very much. There are great books on the subject as well -- some written for children. Jamie Lynn Curtis wrote a good one "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born." Get it and read it to your daughter. Whatever you do, don't wait any longer. She deserves to know the truth. There isn't any need to worry because it's a happy and good story that she came into your life.
P.S. I agree that Alison's post wasn't helpful at all. We can't go back in time, so why write something like that Alison?

I myself am adopted. I was told by my cousins in a tramatic sort of way. I think that around now would be a good time to tell just so she knows and will listen and be interested in what you have to say. I myself would tell them that she was given to me by her birth mom for God. That God decided that it was her job to carry her and it was your job to be her mother. That she was not "given away" from a lack of love, she was given away because there was so much love for her that it had to be shared with a family that could handle all that love and make her life the best life that it could be by helping her share that love with others. And that just because she didn't come from your tummy doesn't mean anything. All childeren come from different places, by different means and this was just the way she was brought to you and thats just how it was supposed to be. I don't know if that helps but that I think would be the best way to express it in a way she understands. And just answer any questions she has about it and if you don't know the answer the both of you could find out together. I hope this helps.

She should already know. A child should never really discover that she is adopted. It is part of her story. I would read some books or get resources at the Cradle on ways you can slip it into conversation that she is adopted. If you know someone else who is adopting a baby, that is a good way to slip it in. I am adopted and I remember very clearly at 2 and a half going to get my sister from the adoption agency. It is my first memory and it is how my parents never really had to reveal it to me. It was always part of the story of my life. Everything that I have read on the topic says to include it as part of a child's story as soon as possible. good luck.

I was adopted and was told at a vry young age (5 or 6) so I would tell her now. I think the iead about reading a book together sounds nice.

I just remember 'always knowing' and there were a few people who were told later in life and it really messed with them. Much better to make it a part of her 'story' early on.

Good luck - and forget about comments like that from Alison C- I mean really, does it make YOU feel better to send an e-mail like that Alison?? B/c there is no other purpose of doing so.

Hi there - I, too, have an adopted child who will be 8 this year. PLEASE, start the converstaion now. Perhaps plan a special day with just you and her, maybe a picnic or someplace where otehr people won't easily be able to listen in, and open up with, "I've got a wonderful, beautiful story to tell you, and it's all true and it's the most amazing thing that has happened in my life" and then proceed to tell her. Make it her story. I've talked to my daughter since the day she was placed in my arms at 9 months of age. Even though she couldn't understand, I made it a part of her story . . . she is beautiful, she has black hair, she has brown eyes, she is adopted, she sings beautifuly, etc. I realize you might have to take it differently, but please start. With summer on it's way, it would be a great time for her to digest this before the start of the new school year. There are lots of books on adoption and how to talk to your child about it. I adopted my child from China, so there was always gonig to be an obvious physical difference between us and I knew in order for her to understand her "story", I needed to be open and honest with her. YOu don't need to tell all the more difficult aspects of why she was adopted or the circumstances surrounding her particular situation (if there are/were any), but the books and info available is always available to helping her understand her "story". Go to www.adoptivefamilies.com - they have a great magazine and all the resources. You can email someone for help. Also, www.mandysmoon.com is a great "store" that has a lot of toys, games, etc. geared toward adotpion, both domestic and international. But please, please, please, don't wait any longer. The longer you wait, the harder it will be and then when she's older she'll resent you for not being honest and open with her. If you want to email me directly for support, please do.

Good luck and please know that there is help out there.

I'm adopted and an adoptive mom, so I've been on two of the three sides of the adoption triad.

I'm sorry, if it makes you feel bad, but the right time was from the moment she came in your home. I'm surprised the adoption social worker didn't discuss this issue with you at the time of the adoption placement. If she has asked where babies come from, or where she came from, then she is ready to be informed of her true history. Kids are remarkably accepting of all sorts of life histories and family configurations - it's the adults who have the issues.

Before you blurt it out to her now, you probably need to speak with a counselor or pastor and start coming to terms with your issues/insecurities/doubts that have kept you from being honest with her previously. If you have unresolved guilt/grief over infertility, genetic connection, etc, or issues with adoption/adoptive children, you could very well (without meaning to) communicate in your tone, choice of words, non-verbal communication,etc, that the adoptive child is somehow a consolation prize or inferior to a biological child. Children are very perceptive and your waiting until she is school age to be honest with her, already communicates to her that you view adoption as something to be kept hidden or secretive. You should really get some professional advice as to the best approach to reduce the negative consequences of the delay.

I found out I was adopted when I was 17, a week after my HS graduation, and 30 yrs later, I am still dealing with the emotional fall-out of being lied to by my closest family. My parents didn't know how to tell me, had still unresolved issues, extended family complications, etc and kept waiting and waiting for the "right time" and painted themselves into corner. Finally other extended family members were going to tell me as soon as I went to college and more/less forced their hand. It cause a multi-year rift in the family which eventually was mended, but left a painful and lasting scar that still echos today.

As fate would have it, I ended up as an adoptive mom too, and I've told my twins from the beginning that most moms grow a baby inside their own body, but other moms have help from another mom. Your story needs to be aligned to your true story (age appropriate of course), but our basic story is that God had two "extra silly" boys that he knew needed an "extra silly" mom (me), but then I found I couldn't grow a baby in my body, so God had them grow in another mom's body, and then found a way for them to come and be my forever babies. Adopted kids were more special than most kids who come the "boring" normal way, because they had lots more friends and family who loved them and cared about them in many ways (birth family/friends, adoptive family/friends, social workers, etc) to get them to the family they were meant to grow up in.

Feel free to PM me

I made some picaboo books for my two that tell their story of how they came to be apart of the family. My daughter's show a picture of the adoption agency, her birth parents & us on "gotcha" day, They were kind enough to bring some pictures of her in the hospital, etc.....My son's shows a picture of my belly ultrasound & him in the hospital. The books go thru there first 2 years & ends on their second birthday. It has a page of them drinking from a bottle, then sippy cup & big kid cup. Eating in high chair, booster, then at kid table. them laying down, crawling, sitting up & standing etc... I have pages of family members & special occaisions like baptisms, & holidays. They love those books! I began reading them the books at age two & adoption is no secret to her. She will ask different questions every now & again, but she knows that we are her forever parents... Oh I also included a picture of the judge & us when it was finalized. Anyway, best of luck.

Our son is adopted and we took the approach of talking about it, now & then in an age appropriate way, from when he was 2yrs and on. It worked for us because everyone else knew and this way it was never a "mystery". For him it seemed no different than any other thing you are born with. Hair color, mannerisms, etc. He would even bring it up himself, once in awhile in a casual way, so we knew he was fine with it. There are some good books at the library that you can read together, that will give you a way to have it all be a part of your life as a family together. Best to you all.

Start now. My daughters are adopted. I've been telling them their stories from the start, gradually adding information as they have gotten older. Some books that have adoption themes: "Little Miss Spider", "A Mother for Choco" and Mr. Rogers book titled "Adoption". All of them are age appropriate for your daughter and can start the discussion.

There is nothing wrong with being adopted or adopting a child. It's not a secret that has to be hidden. However, not telling it can have huge reprecussions down the road.

Good luck. I know it's hard to get the words out but the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.

Someone else may have already suggested this, but call The Cradle in Evanston. You can Google and find them online. They have tons of resources and social workers to help with such things. They can help you introduce the subject in just the right way for her age and your circumstances. Best of luck to you!

I wish you all the best with this!

No adoption experience, however, I raised my daughter on my own. She never knew her father. He would never be her father, just the way it was. I knew I had to explain things to her sometime, but soon she began to ask questions and I answered her questions. You only tell what they can handle at that time. My daughter was fine with my method.

So, perhaps when she asks what city she was born, it is a good cue to answer honestly. So if she was born in Phoenix and you were born and raised in L.A. you know she will figure that out, so explain it.

It won't be the easiest thing, but I think it will give you some respect from her later in life.

Not to add to your stress but I have to agree with the other moms who said you should have started this conversation long ago. I have two adopted children and we started explaining early on. There are a lot of great books out there and your adoption agency should have given you advice. You don't need to sit down and tell her everything, just look for opportunities. My older son once asked about babies growing in their mommies belly. I said that mommy and daddy tried and tried to grow him in mommy's belly but couldn't so another wonderful lady grew him in her belly for us. We stress that he is our forever son too. When you do it in small bits of info it is not overwhelming for them. Plus, I think you need to examine your own fears. Why would her learning she is adopted take anything away from her being a happy child? As long as she is loved, she will be fine knowing she is adopted!!! Good luck to you all.

Because she is a happy six-year old, why tell her right now. Let her enjoy being a child, without the worry of "Why" I was adopted. What if you tell her and it effects her in a negative way? She may become distance and withdrawn. It is only my opinion, I say wait until she can clearly understand it. What ever you decide, Good Luck, and continue being a blessing....

We have a 12 year old daughter who we adopted at birth. We started in the beginning by telling her how she was brought to us through an angel (her birth mom - until she could understand what a birth mom was) and then that, although I didn't give birth to her, she was born in our hearts. We have for 12 years now reiterated over and over again how she was meant to be with us and she has never seemed to doubt it. We also started reading Jamie Lee Curtis' book "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born." She still reads it occassionally today. Since I met her birth mother when she was pregnant with my daughter, I gradually tell her more about her birth mother and that she has siblings. However, she really doesn't ask a lot of questions - this may come later - plus we have stressed that if she ever feels like talking about it, just come to us. If the subject of adoption comes up when we are with other people or on tv, etc., afterwards we always ask her how she feels about what she just saw or heard.

I think everything will be fine with starting to tell your daughter now. Even though we talked about it with our daughter from the beginning, I really don't think she understood the complete meaning of adopted until she was about 6 or 7. I think the great part is that you are going to tell her - and just let her know that she was meant to be with you and just how much she is loved.
Much luck and best wishes!

There's a wonderful book on this topic that I strongly recommend that you buy or check out from the library... Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past by Betsy Keefer. The book discusses the developmental stage of children when they learn about their adoptions, how they process it, how it affects them long-term, etc. I especially like the discussion about secrets and how children perceive them. It's important that you prepare for the discussion, especially surrounding the idea that you kept a secret from her while other people knew the truth. The book recommends that you tell the WHOLE truth during the discussion, open the door for her questions going forward, and check in with her a week or so after the discussion.

This is a lot to process, even though she's only six. Fortunate for you, she will likely do alright with the information so long as you are completely honest.

Please heed the warnings in the book about making judgments about your daughter's first mother, her circumstances and reason for placing her for adoption. This person may greatly influence your daughter's sense of identity, even though she may never meet her. Tell her what you know, do not make up information in an attempt to make your daughter feel better (i.e. She loved you so much so she placed you with me. She couldn't afford to take care of you.) There's no way to know what caused her to place your daughter, unless you have a family court document quoting her or you spoke directly with the mother about her feelings/reasons.

Regarding the below comments "I would have told her from the beginning" or "she should already know," I find those comments to be counterproductive. I understand that might have guilt about what you shoulda coulda woulda done, and guilt will only paralyze you in this important step in your relationship with your daughter. You had your reasons for not telling in the past, so go forward not backward.

My husband adopted my son (from a previous relationship) when he was about two. We told him when he was four or five. I think that the earlier you tell them the better, so she doesn't feel betrayed later in life for not telling her. Just bring it up casually, don't say too much, let her lead the way with questions. My son is 10 now and will occasionally ask about his biological father, as he has been doing for years.
Your daughter has the right to know, and the more open and honest you are about it from the beginning, the more open and honest a relationship you'll have with her in the future.
Send me a private message if you want to discuss more!
Best of luck to you!

I agree with all those who say earlier is better, and I also highly recommend "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born." Find a way to frame your daughter's adoption story in a way that is truthful and age-appropriate. For example, we have always told our son that his birth mommy knew that we were supposed to be his parents, because that is how she expressed it to us when we met. There are a lot of wonderful books for children and for parents to ease this process. She is still young enough for the story to become part of her narrative rather than a traumatic revelation. I think a key element is to always frame adoption as a positive, especially while the child is young, rather than saying things like the birth mom "couldn't" take care of her or "wasn't ready." The emphasis now should be on your family unit, and as she gets older and has questions, you can answer them truthfully (and again, age-appropriately).

Good luck!

I am adopted and my parents celebrate the actual day they adopted me every year. They call it my "Special Day". I would get to either pick out a favorite meal for my mom to make or choose a restaurant for our family to go to. I'm all grown up now but my parents still call to wish me a Happy Special Day! Maybe this year on your daughter's "special day" you can share the story of her adoption and tell her that she is so special that you want to celebrate not only the day she was born, but the day that you were blessed when she joined your family.