Moms and BirthMoms-Telling the Kids

Things you always knew are a lot less trauma and drama than being told or finding things out, so start talking early and fairly often in an age appropriate way.

On the other end of the spectrum, I am adopted. I've known as long as I can remember that I was adopted. I asked my Mom one time when the first time she told me and she said it was the day I came home (about 8 days old). My mom always said the same thing whenever I asked her where I came from- "You didn't grow in my tummy like other babies but in my heart because that's where God lives and He brought me you." She also always explained that my birth mom loved me tremendously and always would.
I met my birth mom several years ago. Her two children had no idea about me until 2 days before we met. They were 17 and 9 at the time. They struggled a bit with it but ultimately they were happy and excited to get to know me. We have lost contact- mainly because my birth mom is crazy. Also because I discovered the man she told everyone (including him) for 28 years that he was my birth father wasn't biologically related to me after I found him after she declined to help me find him. But now I'm going off the subject. Anyway- I do know both of my biological siblings are happy, healthy, productive adults so I'm pretty sure it didn't scar them for life or anything. :)
I do think the earlier the better because then it just seems to become a part of life and there is no dramatics or surprises and no hurt feelings. At least that's what worked for me.
BTW- thanks for making the most incredible selfless decision ever. My mom always said that my birth mom was her angel. You are an angel for someone.

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You tell them from day one, in an age appropriate way. The longer you wait, the more confusing it is. I've never understood why people are not up front about this from the beginning. It is nothing to be shameful about or to hide. Contact a social worker who specializes in adoption issues to help you explain your situation. Good luck.

I too am an adopted mom.
My boys were adopted as infants and I told them their adoption stories before they were even able to understand laying in their crib. It's always been known to them, no secrets. As they age they ask more and I tell them more. It's very natural and normal in our house :)
C.

I tell my kids all the time that they came from my very own special pocket (don't worry, I tell them it's called a uterus... they're super little - the oldest is 4). I don't think they've made the connection yet about their cousins that are adopted (they have 7) although we've discussed them at least a little bit. 6 of the kids have always known they were adopted because they're very different and their parents talk about bringing them home and the whole experience. The 7th is too young yet (7 months) but I'm pretty sure his parents will tell him too. Adoption is an amazing thing - a huge answer to prayers. I think it's a great thing to discuss with all ages.

I just recently told my kids about the baby boy I gave up for adoption when I was 16, which was 20 years ago. My kids' ages are 15, 12, 10, 6, and 4 months old. My oldest 3 are from a previous marriage and my younger two are with my current husband. I've kept the adoption from my kids until his 20th birthday, this last July. I wrestled with telling my kids over the years. It wasn't a huge secret and definitely not something I'm ashamed of - I know I made the right decision. But when I was married before, my ex husband never wanted me to talk about it... so I didn't. Otherwise, I would have told my kids from the minute they were old enough to understand. I would have treated my first baby like he was always a part of our family. Which, is what I would recommend. The longer I put it off, the harder it was to explain to my kids. I divorced my 3 oldest kids' dad in 2003 and by then, I felt like it would have been too hard to explain to my oldest two that they have an older brother. So, I decided to wait until my son was 18 and hoped that he would find me... I thought that would be a great opportunity to explain everything to my other kids. This last July, he turned 20 and I still don't know where he is and am becoming more and more doubtful that he will find me. And, I realized that I couldn't put it off any longer. I didn't want my kids to hear about me having a baby when I was 16 from anybody else. So on July 6th, my son's 20th birthday, I sat my kids down and told them that they have an older brother. My oldest two (both girls) didn't handle it well, at all. They were very upset, both went to their bedrooms and cried. My 15 year old was upset that I hadn't told her before then. My 12 year old was upset that something like that had happened right in her own family. My 10 year old son thought it was pretty cool and my 6 year old daughter understands that she has an older brother, but it's the whole out of site out of mind thing with her. Fast forward to now, almost 3 months after I broke the news to my kids. We talk openly about it. I answer their questions honestly. I was given photos of my baby for 6 months after he was born (the rules were that I could receive photos for the first 6 months and then all communication was to end - which it did), and I just showed them to my kids this last week. Some were of me holding him in the hospital, just before I said goodbye to him. It made it real to them to see me, 16 years old, holding my son - their brother. They understand why I made my decision, they understand why I waited to tell them, but I really think it would have been better if I had told them sooner so they could grow up knowing that they have an older brother and it's just the way it is.

My daughter was 7 when I told her she has a biological brother that was turning 18. I chose that time to tell her because she needed to understand that this wasn't something I wanted her to discuss casually with friends. I thought that it was a time in his life that he might want to find us. I had registered awhile back to make finding me easier on him (if he chose to do so.) I've left the ball in his court so to say. So now we all can be open about it if one day there's a surprise knock on our door =)

I'm not a birth mom but an adoptive mom. My daughter knew at two, not all the ugly details but she knew she didn't come from my tummy, she came from my sisters. We explained that families are different, divorce, single parents, gay parents...tons of options. We presented it as the bio-mom wanted what was best for her.

Are you in an open adoption situation? I worry about that because the birth parents have one foot in the door and can be hard on the siblings.

Overall, families are different.

My brother is adopted. I was 6 1/2 when he came home from the hospital (2 days old). I always knew that he was adopted - I wanted a "homemade sister" but I ended up with a "store bought brother" instead. But, as soon as he came home, I fell in love & how he got here didn't matter anymore, he was MY baby brother! I know that my parents told him from day 1 that he came to our family differently than some babies do. She told him that he was meant to be in our family & that we loved him more than anything. It wasn't the way he came to our family that was important. The important thing was that he was part of our family NOW. My mom explained more as he got older & could understand more. But, for as long as I could remember he knew that he was adopted.

Shellie

My granddaughter was adopted by a couple in South Orange County, we are in North Orange County, CA. It is an open adoption, we go to her birthday parties, her ballet recitals, she comes to her brother's and sister's birthday parties and soccer games, and her sister (also my granddaughter but not living with her) went on vacation in Maui with her and her adoptive parents last month. She calls me Grandma, loves her big brother, sister, and little brother, knows she was carried in my daughter's tummy, went to live with her new parents when she was almost 2, and that she has in addition to her brothers and a sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, great-grandparents, etc. that love her dearly. Her parents have always been honest and upfront.

My grandson was adopted by an awesome couple who took him home from the hospital when he was 2 days old, they were at the delivery having flown in from New York to be there. My daughter picked them because she knew her son would have a great life with them and he does. It is as open an adoption as can be, my son in NJ visits him in Staten Island, they all go out to Check E Cheese, or other restaurants and amusement parks, he's met his cousin from Germany when she was visiting my son, he knows I'm his Grandma and that he has brothers and sisters, etc. His Mom just posted pictures and videos on Facebook today of his birthday celebration this past Tuesday for her family and ours. He loves to hear the story of his birth, about his birth mom, and his adoptive parents have always told him he's adopted.

In both instances everyone has been honest and open with all the children involved from day 1 and it's been wonderful for everyone, so I have to say, in our case, I strongly disagree with a comment another mom made, "Are you in an open adoption situation? I worry about that because the birth parents have one foot in the door and can be hard on the siblings." Our adoptive parents in both cases WANT the birth family to be involved and have both feet in the door and it's never been hard on the siblings.

I would discuss it from as soon as they are old enough. We have always discussed the babies we lost with our kids -- a little different, cause they're never going to contact us, I know. It's just a fact in our family that we have babies we have never met. I would think it would be important for your kids to know that in a matter of fact way, rather than a shocking way, especially in these days when it is so easy to get connected with birth parents, etc. You don't want to have that shock your kids. I'm sure it's not an easy discussion to have the older they are. That's part of why we always discussed it, even before the understanding was there. GL!