Accountability ~ a Necessary Thing?

Hi, S.! I don't have any teens anymore but I did teach high school kids for thirty-two years. I think I would have handled this differently years ago but today I would ask each of them the questions you want to ask. Then I would ask if I could look at their computers, cell phones etc. to check out their answers. When they say "don't you believe me?" - say that they told you what they had and now you are just checking their word. Not easy to do but better than snooping.

P. Pal

I am trying to read between the lines of your question....do you think that there is something that should be addressed with your children???? I agree to stay connected with your kids and keep the lines of communication open. If you are concerned about entering their room for privacy sake....have they made you feel that way? I take that as a red flag. As long as they are living under my roof, I need to make sure those standards stay in place because, in the first place, I want to protect my child, and secondly, it could come back to bite me and, legally, could be my concern if my child has broken the law. If you are seeing sneaky behavior, what is your question? I think you know your answer.

My kids are still preschool and toddler, but I just wanted to add a small consideration that I remember from when I was a teen. I think your teen should be aware that you might randomly check their room. That way, when you do so they are not shocked and do not feel completely violated. You don't have to tell them when you are going to check, just make sure they are aware that you will.

As far as computers/cell phone, my opinion is that there should be no expectation of privacy. Your teen should be aware that people other than you can hack into systems and that they should never type/share info that they don't want someone else to get a hold of.

If your teen keeps a journal or diary, then I think you should let that be private unless you have evidence of something else amiss (like drug use). I think teens need a way to express themselves and say things that they can't say elsewhere. When I was about 16, I kept a journal and wrote out all my angst. I also wrote fictional fantasy scenarios where I did or said the exact perfect thing or acheived some great honor or whatever. I did not know my mom read my journal. She started reprimanding me for things and telling me that other people were giving her this information. I finally figured out she was reading my journal when she made a special surprise dinner and cake to celebrate my winning a writing contest that did not exist -- it was just a story I made up in my journal. She thought I was keeping things from her. At the time, I was angry because I felt violated and felt she was trying to force her way into my life instead of letting me explain the purpose of my journal before she went reading it. She also made me paranoid that people were watching me and reporting things to her, so I got really distrustful.

My kids are just two... but my I lived in my parent's house it was their rules and everything I had was their's first. In my opinion, you are not there to be their friend... you are first and foremost their parent. And you have every right to govern/raise them as you wish. It's very important we know what is going on in their lives, very important. When my kids are older, you can bet that I will be checking up on computer and cell phone activity. At the same time, both of you have to build respect and it's built the best through open communication which is obviously difficult at this age. Maybe there are additional ways to go about it ... what those are, I am not sure. Some teenage parenting books/boards may have additional ideas. Good luck! I know I dread the teen years!

My oldest is only 12 but being a high school vocational teacher my answer is yes you should check up on the kids activities. There does need to be some ground rules set for your check ups. This way the child doesn't feel their privacy is "violated" and you can have the piece of mind that things are ok. I really think that you are being pro-active as a parent because the #1 thing that I hear from parents is that they never saw any "signs" of trouble from their kid, they had no idea of what their child was doing and they never thought that their child was capable of doing whatever it was. Also, get to know your child's friends, their family situations and how they do in school. The more you know the safer your child is.
Being a high school teacher, I have over 100 teens a day (mostly boys) trying to teach me what I do already know and a lot about the legal system that I did not already know!!!!

Yes you need to know what is going on. Our computer is in a visible area in the house. I have 3 boys(all teens) and a daughter (12 y/o). I have the right at any moment to ask to see their My space or Facebook account or they can't have those accounts. I also have ways of tracking to see what they have been doing on my computer. I believe that you need to be in charge of your kids till they are mature enough to make good decisions. But you also need to give them enough love and respect to balance out how protective you are of them. Having a solid, strong relationship with them helps....but you are not supposed to be their friend you are the parent. So they are not always happy with you. Eat dinner together, do lots of fun stuff together as a family, build a real closeness between your kids. My oldest son was in 8th grade and he was talking on IM to a boy his age who had been experimenting with several drugs. He was the brother of one of my son's friend. He was trying to talk the boy out of taking drugs....and I saw this conversation because I was standing behind my son reading the conversation. My son and the boy's brother thought they could handle the problem by themselves. I went to that boy's mom privately told her what was going on....she and her husband approached their boys about the situation. They grounded their son, took control of his money and got counseling. Since then the family is doing great. This boy who was taking drugs has thanked me for telling his parents. My son was a little unhappy with me at first but luckily everything worked out for the best.

I have a teenage daughter and yes, I do keep track of the texts, emails and occasionally check her room. She is a great kid and responsible, but there is always that chance for a slip. We have had one and since she has been awesome. Her emails come to me as well as her. She is limited on text time and knows that can easily be taken away. We have taught her these are privileges earned and as parents protecting her, we have a right to know what she is up to and things like that. We do it for her safety too to be sure that whoever she communicates with isn't doing things they aren't supposed to as well. She is fine with us knowing what the text messages and emails say - which, to me, is a good sign she has nothing to hide. I also make sure I know the kids she talks to and have told her that she must use the phone as well and talk to her friends. Weird behavior or not, they are entrusted to us and it is okay to be sure they are okay.

Hi S.,
My opinion and mine only on this issue is YES!!
I have a 17 yr old and twins that are 9 and I am continually "checking up" on them, and to let you know there all girls.
I have always kept an open dialoge w/ my children, but as long as they live under my roof, they always are "checked" on.
I have found in my experience as a mother, that once you let your guard down and assume that no news is good news is when it will come back to bite you, and bite you all over!!
Eventually, due to you caring about your children and showing interest in them they will show you respect as they get older. I feel in are times of parenting children right now, most of these children do not get the attention they need from their parents due to the parents always being "busy".
Good Luck S.