Acceptable Time for 12 Yr Old

Hi Jen,

You two are right on top of things. He's 12 not 18 and should be in the house by dark unless he's at a supervised evet, such as a boy scout meeting, or game that he has been dropped off and will be picked up by an adult.

The bedtime is fine for a 12 year old, tell him when he goes to high school he can stay up til 10 as long as he gets up without any problems in the morning.

He is fortunate to have parents who care.
Blessings.....

Personally, I think 9:30 is too late so he's lucky. I would have his butt in the house at dinner time during the week and on the weekend he could be out until 8pm unless he's spending the night with a friend and is over there. There are way too many negative things out there for him to be running around. That is the time that they are more brave and willing to try drugs and what not. So, if he continues to complain consider moving it earlier and then he might keep his mouth shut.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing when talking to your son -- don't say I don't trust you not to do xy and z, just tell him that being out after dark at night is not safe and that is why you don't want him out after dark.

I have never worried about my kids' behavior, I only worry about stranger dangers, and for that reason I would not be comfortable with a 12 year old running around after dark. Because I trust my kids, they have learned to be around friends who smoke, drink, do drugs and have sex without doing the same themselves. My philosophy is don't keep them away from the realities of the world, teach them to make good choices when faced with those realities. And that philosophy has worked for three kids. (And anyone who thinks I am being naive about what my kids are doing has only to meet my kids to know I am correct.)

But it's not safe for a 12 year old to run around town after dark.

There is no way my 12 year old would be staying out that late under those circumstances. You are right about the possibilities of what could happen and your son is too young to realize what he could be in for. He may buck you outwardly, but have a sense of security and feeling loved underneath.

I would say that you know he doesn't do those things, but other people around him might be and you don't want him exposed to that. It simply isn't appropriate for him to be staying out that late unsupervised at his age. It's because you love him and want him to be safe, not because you are trying to be the hard guy.

The reality is developmentally, he's not ready to make complex adult decisions which is the reason we don't let kids under the age of 14 stay out after dark unsupervised when the temptations will likely be there.

Personally I don't let my 12 year old go anywhere at anytime without some sort of adult supervision, but she's a girl and doesn't have the best common sense, bless her heart.

Kudos for being a caring parent who actually sets boundaries. I think we are a dying breed sadly enough.

Hi Jen. I have an 11 yr. old and that tide is turning. It's not fun. Mine have to be ready for bed by 9pm S-Th and Friday/Saturday nights 10pm bedtime unless we are having a sleepover. I have similar curfews and you might change your tactics. The first one is the fairness issue. That always makes me laugh because my response is that my job isn't to be fair but rather teach my kids how to handle life when it isn't fair. Instead of mentioning his friends and their qualities (which you should try to set up different playdates with kids whose parents have similar thoughts on child raising) switch it to the "I love you so much that I wouldn't want anything to happen to you" The safety first unless he wants you to hang out with him to make certain he's safe. (He'll love that offer). 12 year olds shouldn't be out so late perhaps you can make your house the "cool" house to hang out at instead of outside in some park. They probably are up to no good especially with very little supervision. We have added foosball table, xBox, Wii and a basketball hoop so they stay here and not out there. Good luck.

Hello Jen,
I don't have a 12 year old, but my cousins oldest is 12 and I can tell you that there is no way my cousin, my mom, my aunt, or I would EVER let him stay out at some random unlit park after dark. Heck, when my daughter turns 12 she will be locked in her room until she's 30 =o)
I have to agree with the small part that I read of Paige's post. I wouldn't say I don't trust you to him. You raised and your husband raised him and I would infasize what a great job you did because you know he's ok with himself that he doesn't need to submit to peer pressures. Heck, I started smoking when I was 17 and no one knew, not one of my friends until I was 18. I just thought I would start with no influence of my friends, none of them smoked (been a non-smoker for 3 years now =O)). Anyhow, back to topic. I would tell him (because it is very true) that there a scary people out there. You trust him, but you don't trust other people. The type of people that hang out in unlit parks are not the types of people who will treat him well.
Best of luck!
C.

I agree with Page.
I also think that sometimes kids just aren't going to understand why we do things. I remember my mom setting limits I didn't understand and I thought she was ruining my life.
You are not wrong. Stick to your boundaries. You are the rational adult, he is the hormone imbalanced teenager. Some parents think it is more important to be "friends" with their kids. Kids NEED parents. Also if you don't trust the other parents, your kid doesn't need to hang with that boy. Don't tell him though, kids repeat things to sound cool.
You are doing the right thing, and I plan to do the same. It is not safe after dark. And I don't know if I'd even trust the mall...
Maybe you can lure him home with his friends, get some junk food and let them shut the bedroom door for a while. But by 9:30, unless they are spending the night, everyone should go home. Curfews are good because he still needs his sleep!
Hang in there, I know kids make us feel stupid and uncool (I worked with teens). In the end, we do know more than them!
Best wishes!

Hi Jen,
Definitely take Page's advice - her kids are truly fantastic, responsible, and fun teenagers.

My parents were very protective of me, and what they said was, "We only have one of you. You are important to us and we have to do everything we can to keep you safe!" and then they'd lay down the law (which of course I found to be soooo unfair), which included being in the house BEFORE dark (because creepy people could be lurking!), no going out by myself (safety in numbers!), and my bedtime was 9pm at that age, so your son already has more latitude than I had.

In short, I just think you have to trust your instincts. You know what's right for your son, and imagine if you went against your better judgment and then something happened to him - you'd never forgive yourself. One day your son will be so grateful that you cared enough to ensure his safety. A little bit of "you're so unfair!" is worth his long term safety and happiness, in my opinion. =)

Hi Jen,
I think you are absolutely right setting curfews and boundaries for your step-son. I am a middle school teacher and I can tell you 12 year-olds are having sex and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. This may not be your son, but peer pressure can be intense. I would set clear rules (like you have), but clarify: if he is going to a public place(the mall, movies) he can stay out later. When he has a sleepover, the rules still apply and if the parent of the other child does not respect your rules, no more sleepovers at that house. Get his input on these rules and try to come to some consensus on what is fair for all involved. Then put him on a trust factor, as long as he follows the rules, he will earn more privileges. If he breaks the rules, then he loses privileges.
Parks after dark spell trouble!!! Good Luck! L.

You've had some great advice so far - I'd like to add that most parks (and probably the one in question here) are technically closed within some period after sunset (usually 1/2 to 1 hour after) After that you are trespassing and can have some trouble with the police. (as I learned in my teen years) One more excellent reason why you are right that he should come home....