I am 28 years old soon to be 29 and I have an 8 month old son. My husband and I are now separated soon to be divorced because as the subject line reads he was abusive and cheated on me. We dated for 3 and half years before getting married. We were only married for 3 years and 20 days when I made the decision to take our own paths. I didn’t see before who he was because I was blindingly in love and I desperately wanted things to work between us. Now I see that was my mistake. We were going to counseling to make things work but I don’t think he ever really wanted the advice. Now that I have my son I know I don’t want him to see what his father has done to me. It is because of him I made this decision; for our future. However, sometimes I can’t help it think how much this will affect him in the future and if I will ever get to find a good man ( I know it’s to early and not that I do want to find someone right now but I do wonder). My counselor said that if I believe in love, which I do, I can risk it again…but I don’t know if I will ever risk it. He made me so insecure and always put me down and I allowed him to do it even believing it myself. I try not to care about what people think but I can’t help it…there are so many things and it still hurts. I feel so lost...
Thank you everyone for you kind words and sympathy. Knowing that I am not the only one going through this comforts me. I’ve been so busy at work and with my son I hadn’t had a chance to sit down and write to you ladies in regards to what currently going on.
I had court on October 31st for custody of our son and it was interesting. When we were with the mediator he told her my father had been accused of a homicide and that my little sister had ran away from home for that same reason. He demanded that I go to a 52-week program for anger problems along many, many more lies. I got sole physical custody of our son and we got joint legal. When I got my court document through the mail it said I can’t leave the state without his permission and my lawyer is saying she’s going to try to get it fix where I don’t have to ask for permission since there is a restraining order in place. He told my lawyer his company is going bankruptcy and he will soon be filing for unemployment. My only goal and priority is our son and to have this situation be done. He graduated from UC Davis and I graduated from Sacramento State, I have friends who also graduated from Sac State and now work for federal government. Both of my good friends specialize in fraud!!!…I don’t think he realizes that. He knows them very well and the fact that I mention his school is because he always said how UC’s always have smarter people than State schools! I have a feeling the only reason why he’s doing this is because he does not wish to give me a dime or pay less child support...He is asking I pay him spousal support!!! I find all of these things a little bit bizarre coming from the person I fell in love with and unfortunately still love.
Sometimes I still wonder exactly where I went wrong…my counselor keeps reminding me that it’s not my fault, but I still feel guilty for a destroyed marriage. What kills me the most is when I see fathers with their children and I think about what could have been between them or all of us as a family. I mean, my soon to be ex husband has always been a good father to our son, the relationship they had is now non-existent because he can’t see him and I fear that our son will blame me for not having his father. You see I had to file for a restraining order for our son and myself; he pushed me while I was holding the baby and the court considers that child abuse. The restraining order is now only on me because “California law requires the baby to have communication with the father,” I don’t mind that because it will be supervised but I still feel like everything is my fault. I’ve told my friends and counselor that I’m only looking for what’s fair. I keep wondering how things could have been different but I don’t know what exactly I did wrong. I gave him my everything…some people say it will only get better but it feels like someone died!
Heal yourself.
Love your son.
The rest will fall into place in good time.
It's a marathon, not a sprint!
God bless!
Good for you for having the strength to do what's right for you and your child.
Give yourself time to heal. Find out who YOU are. You can't be happy and can't be part of a happy, healthy relationship until you are happy with who YOU are.
Don't dwell on finding love. Just keep getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward in baby steps. Make your life with your son your priority. You will find happiness in that.
People will be attracted to a happy, secure you and in that you will find love. Don't give up, but don't dwell on it. It will happen when it's meant to happen and that may not be for a few years. In the meantime, lean on your friends and on us other moms. That's what we're here for - to support one another!
It will happen when it happens. What matters most is you and your son. You are doing great getting out of that relationship because it is much better for your son to see you alone and strong and happy than with his dad and being hurt and cheated on.
You may find a good man someday, you may not. But the most important thing is to get yourself healthy and happy and know what you want. Leaving is the hardest, you're already on the right track.
Right now your priority should be your son. Before you move on, you need to be completely healed and remember your priority is your child.
You are on the right path. You did the right thing. Take time to heal for you and your son. Don't think about a new relationship. You have to get to know yourself again and rebuild yourself. You'll find peace in time, and love too.
It's all still fresh and you will find it within yourself to rise above it all. Continue seeing your counselor and take it a day at a time. Remember, this too shall come to pass and you will find love you deserve and you'll know it and feel it when it comes.
Oh Isabelle! You are doing the right thing! I can tell from your post, and from firsthand experience. I left the alcoholic father of my then, 6 month old baby girl, because deep down i knew our lives would be ruined if i did not. It was the best decision i ever made.
Please, please, if you begin to doubt yourself, DON'T!
Your child's history is changing with YOU.
You will find love again when you are ready. I had the same situation (without the abusiveness and least no hitting), but I had a 7 years old and a 4 year old and left. I also did not want my sons to think that coming home as I was getting them ready for school was the way Daddy's were suppose to be.
It's been many years since and I have been re-married for 20 years so yes love comes again (and even better the second time around!) and as long as you continue counseling so that you can feel better about yourself and know you are worth it you will be fine. Don't give up on life because of one jerk! You are still so very young!
I believe in karma and what goes around comes around so he will get his. You can believe that!
Hi I.,
You did the right thing. Just know that. Love will come in time, it always does. In the meantime, work on building yourself back up. Your confidence, your interests and of course, your new life with your son. It's only when we are completely secure in ourselves and our self-worth that we can attract the type of good people that we deserve. Don't focus on what others may think. If they know your story, I can't imagine that they look down upon you. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you!! Good luck, you can do this!!
Never give up on life and love! I know you feel right now like you can't love again, and that's perfectly natural. But give it time, and be patient. Don't rush into anything.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Be strong and it will get better. As far as believing in love again, I hope you do but I also hope that you take a good look into yourself and look into what red flags you missed along the way with your first husband.
Was there any warning signs? Was there anything in your childhood that could have caused you to not see the warning signs? Did your father or other significant male role model in your childhood treat your mother or other women in a similar fashion?
I think that this is the place to look. Inside of yourself. Sometimes we are attracted to those most similar to the role models we had growing up. My advice is to try to learn which role models they were, remind yourself that no one deserves to be treated badly and praise yourself mightily for having the strength to get out of a situation where you were not being treated well.
I understand your fears about your son becoming like this and I think those fears are valid. However, i think you got out in time for him to not see your husband treat you that way but will he see your husband treat another woman that way? i also think it depends on who you surround him with from this point on.
Time does not change the man.Good you didn't waste time.You will find someone who will make you happy,you will be surprised.People always find a better match.Dont get depressed,take good care of yourself.Feel good about yourself and believe in yourself. Men always change after the marriage,it always happens,don't feel bad.Some things one can tolerate but abusive behavior and adultery is totally unforgivable.
Wishing you and your son Good Luck.
