Abusive 6 Yr Old

ODD might be the answer, but you still have to live with this child.
You need to be consistent.
You need to put him in time out and make him do it. It will get worse before it gets better. The fact that his father isn't backing you up is part of the problem. Since Dad doesn't respect Mom, 6yr. old doesn't respect mom.
It's a vicious cycle.
You need to get Dad on the same page.
LBC

A lot of disorders co-occur with ADHD. The primary one that popped into my head was ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). Here is a link to a good site with info on it.

http://www.helpforadd.com/co-occurring-disorders/

Another great article on pin-pointing the triggers and minimizing or intervening-

http://www.everydayhealth.com/adhd/living-with/coping-wit...

and this one which discusses the difference between concentration centered ADHD and impulse control centered ADHD and how to work with aggressive impulse difficulties-

http://www.articlesbase.com/adhd-articles/how-to-control-...

Good luck!

Also- you may consider joining a parental support group in your area. Having 2 children requiring special consideration is taxing and stressful. It helps to have a support system of other parents encountering the very issues you are going through. Not to mention- you get a group of people with trial and error different from your own experience- often times you can learn about new treatments/therapies and pros/cons etc... They can be super helpful.

If ever a problem needed the advice of a professional this is it. Get counseling asap. God bless.

I want to start off by saying I know NOTHING about ADHD, so this is just my 2 cents and my thoughts on it, with no experience.
Have you tried special one on one time with your older son? Maybe he feels the stress of having a younger bother who needs a little more attention and feels left out.
Sorry I'm not that much help, just a thought.
Best of luck!
C.

When he throws a tantrum and his hitting and kicking you put him in a COLD shower clothes and all. Immediatly turn it to warm and explain this will happen every time he mis-behaves. Then take him out and hold him and tell him why you don't like it and how much you love him. He won't like the cold water and he will know you mean business. My son is now 20 years old and when he see's a child throwing a fit he says WOW that kid needs a cold shower! My son had three cold showers between the ages of 6 and 8. Time to show him you are the BOSS not him! Good luck!

Hi R.---Be sure that your children's diets are not contributing to their health issues. Please understand that I am not suggesting that their diet is poor, rather, sometimes the body, and brain, are highly sensitive to unhealthy food additives.

A healthy supportive diet consists of fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains, legumes (beans), nuts and seeds. Minimize animal protein and that includes cows milk. Please explore www.pcrm.org and www.strongbones.org to learn more. You must eliminate processed foods and chemical additives. Your ped. will likely tell you that their is no relationship with food additives and your kids behavior, but, I wouldn't be my kids health on it. Even though most every one of those chemicals are 'generally recognized as safe', any research was done on single chemicals. No one has ever done research to see what the combination of them does in the body. Artificial sweeteners and msg are the worst. They are considered excitotoxins---sounds a little suspicious when you think about adhd and autistic brains.

If your kids are picky eaters, I have some suggestions to help with that. I have a wealth of info that I can share. I am taking a series of classes taught by a Naturopath who has her PhD in Nutrition. I feel that I can steer you to a number of resources that the traditional medical community has no idea of. Aren't your babies worth it? Good luck and I will say my prayers for you and your family. In health, D.

I strongly urge you to get professional help for your sons and for you and your husband so that you can change this behavior. Your son needs to be seen by a developmental pediatrician. Depending on your insurance, you may have to get a referral from his pediatrician or not but do whatever it takes to get him in to see a developmental pediatrician.

My grandson has had some of the issues that you describe but apparently not to as much of a severity. He was diagnosed thru Early Intervention, an educational program thru the school district with a speech disorder and then with the possibility of ODD. He was 3 and was sent to a therapeutic preschool. He's now 7 and been in a special ed class with the school district. He has become more oppositional at school tho not at home and they referred him to a developmental pediatrician. He now has a diagnosis of ADHD and is doing better on medication. He's also been tentatively diagnosed with autism and will continue to be seen for more evaluation and treatment with a clinic. This is covered by his health insurance.

My grandson has had severe constipation and still deals some with constipation. This may be related to his speech disorder and autism conditions. Please stop blaming your son for not pooping in the toilet. He may have problem within his body or you both may have a problem with a power struggle. Either way, it's not his fault, nor yours. You are doing the right thing by asking for information and advice.

Stop making threats or offering rewards. They aren't working. I suggest you read a book on Love and Logic, a form of discipline that teaches how to be firm in setting boundaries with our children and then enforcing them thru logical consequences. The idea if for them to learn that following your instructions benefits them. The discipline is based on respect rather than fear.

Federal law requires that school districts provide diagnosis and treatment for any condition that will interfere with a child's ability to learn. They work with parents and babies, some from the time that they are first born. It sound like both of your children qualify for this service. Call your school district and ask for an appointment. Here, in Oregon, the office is called the .......(name of the county) Multnomah county Intermediate School District Office. If you don't find that name in the phone book, call the school district main office number and ask for the number.

I urge you to make an appointment with his pediatrician immediately and then arrange to see a developmental pediatrician. The school district will not make that recommendation right away. You shouldn't have to wait a long time like my grandson and his mother did. You are your son's advocate. He needs immediate help and so do you. You do not have to deal with this alone.

My friend has a six year old that sounds very similar. She discovered that he is wheat intolerant (or gluten intolerant) and took that out of his diet. Now she swears that when ever he gets a little wheat his aggression levels spike and when she is consistent with his diet he is calm. It might be worth testing him if there is no other obvious solution or before adding any drugs to his diet. She said the stool test is much more accurate than the blood test so make sure you get that one.

First you need to get your husband on board! Then get some outside help. He may be to young for a behavior motification program but there are people that can help. Your pediatrician should be able to refer you to the right people.

I would get some individual counseling for the 6 yr old asap and also your whole family asap. Your husbands passive attitude needs to change and I think a family couselor would let him know this, he needs to be father and take charge at home when his is there and things get ugly bit its likely he needs to be taught what to do in these situations too since they are unique I imagine that you take the brunt of the behavior of the boys because you are at home in the day with them. Tell Dad this the boys behavior is not acceptable and that a couselor can guide all of you. Is your autistic son in any type of program to get help too? I know that early intervention with specialists can really help his autism.
Good luck and blessings to you and your family mom, you have a lot on your plates. Hugs too

You need to get him some psychiatric help to deal with his anger issues. Talk to his pediatrician and get a referral. I hate to tell you but this isn't going to go away, it's only going to get worse. He is probably going to have to be evaluated for ADHD and ODD. I have an autistic 20 year old daughter and an ADHD 17 year old son and in the 18 years that I have been dealing with both disorders, I have found a lot of research that is connecting the two disorders. Contact the Mind Institute (UC Davis) and see if they can help.

There are therapist out there who will work with parents to help them change their child's behavior. Our children's personalities do not always match our own. Sometimes we need a professional to help us see other options. It sounds like to me that your son needs firmer boundaries and stop bribing him for good behavior. Good behavior is expected. You may need to be very clear what good behavior is, before the situation arises. For example, the rules of the house are _____. Start simple. No hitting. Remind him of the rules when he wakes up. Remind him if it looks like he his about to break the rule (They can have short memories, especially in the heat of the moment). If he breaks a rule there are consequences. If he only has consequences sometimes, you just taught him to ignore the rules because there is a good chance he can get away with it. Also don't make threats you are not going to keep. If you threaten to call the police, then call the police. If he makes improvement, even a small amount, compliment him on it. " I noticed you thought about hitting your brother. That was very good. I am proud of you". Be strong. Mothers get the hardest part of raising children.

It sounds like you have recieved a lot of advice and can agree with a lot of it. One additional thing I want to say is that my daughter also has adhd and had problems with anger after her brother was born. We took her to a therapist who told her one thing that really helped her. She told my daughter that her brother was here and not leaving and that she needed to get use to it because it was never going to change. I know that sounds simple but it helped her a lot. She is 12 now and still remembers this conversation. I think that some kids hold onto the belief that they can make that sibling go away if they really try. Having a third party tell her that wasn't go to work really made her realize that he was around for the long haul and she needed to adapt. They now get along great. We also have tried to teaching her that no matter how she feels or what is going on that she ALONE is the one that can and needs to control her behavior.
Also try the wheat free diet for 2 weeks. You maybe surprised.

No child is born thinking he or she will become 'abusive' or 'destructive'. Each child from the moment he/she is born has three needs - to love, to be loved, and be valued. When these needs are not met, they display behavior that we disapprove of. However, they are not mature enough to express themselves in the right way. Unfortunately, we too don't have the right tools to deal with the undesired behavior and often use reward, punishment, and consequence model to get an immediate result. However, these are ineffective in long-term and do not get the message across. The message should be that a child should behave in a certain way because that is the right thing to do, NOT because there is a reward, punishment, or consequence coming afterwards. And, that requires a long term process with love, kindness, respect, and empathy.

If we want our children to have good values, we need to treat them as if they already have those values. They need to know that no matter how frustrated we get with them, we always love them the same. When we use coercive tactics, they either withdraw or become defiant. When we label them as bad, they sure prove that and that is why any labeling is disabling.

Albert Einstein said that for every negative word that we say to our children, we need to say at least ten positive things about them to compensate for the negative word and bring about a positive change.

With all being said, it is far more important to have the 'right relationship' with our children than the 'right technique' to deal with them. With time, they do outgrow their immature bahavior but how we treat them and make them feel along the way can have a far greater impact than any of our role power tactics.

I highly recommend the following books, which I think is a 'must read' for every parent. These sure have given me deep insight into parenting.

- Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
- How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
- Smart Love by Marth and William Pieper
- How to raise your child's emotional intelligence : 101 ways to bring out the best in your children & yourself / Allen Nagy, Geraldine Nagy.

I would also like to recommend the book below as it offers a unique perspective into ADHD, ODD, and other such labels:

Discover Your Child's Learning Style : Children Learn In Unique Ways--Here's The Key To Every Child / Mariaemma Willis & Victoria Kindle Hodson. : Willis, Mariaemma.

Best,
-Rachna

Greetings R.,
Having an Autisic child is hard on every family memeber. Since our son was the youngest of 5 he was thought of as the "baby" and as he grew I was always being told to stop 'letting him be the baby- let him grow up". They just didn't get it. You are not clear as to his leval of ability high or low functioning.
It really sounds as if your 6 yo is having trouble dealing witha brother that can't play and participate and may get the extra time that he feels should be his.
I understnad that. Are you and your husband able to seperate the two for special time doing the things that only the older child wants to do. We found that becasue we had so many that they gathered around and took tourns takeing responsibility becasue we never told them he had to be treated special but noone else was allowed to be mean to him. (had my 15 yo take him to his class one day and aked some of the 4thand 5th graders to keep an eye on him becasue he was being mistreated and he was going to come back and talk to them if it happened again) ~~ turns out he scared the kids to death by his size as they were the ones mistreating our son! The principal thought it was a great learning lesson for all in volved.
The BEHAVIOR WILL NOT PASS with out a reason so the fact that your husband is opting out is sad. Tell him that his older son is really needing him right now. Pleae do not expect your 6 yo to understand becasue that is not part of his natural ability at this stage becasue it is all about him at this age-- alot of drama and questions so keep him busy in little league, scoccor, or gym so that its a one on one witha parent. For tis child to be seriously hurting a sibling there is cause to fear what might happen should they be left with a baby sitter, for family member. I have always been a tough love mom. The kids all knew what they expectations were and that what is in concret and what is in sand. They all knew the differeance and also knew mom woudl not play games with punishment for crossing the line. I was known to take things away and we'd go find a dumpster and toss it i or take an item to the thrift store and they had lost it and NO I DID NOT get another one. My husband took the older boys/girls out campng and fishing and on the motorcycles while I did what the other boy could do. They also after much effort tried to get him excited to try someof it which didn't work then and only a bit later in years. Good Luck it is a rough part of Autism that all must face and deal with.