this is a major issue that his been on my mind for a while. a fairly good friend of mine has asked me to be in her wedding as a bridesmaid. and she has asked my son to be in the wedding too. so here is my problem...i don't want to be in the wedding and i don't know how to tell her without hurting her feelings. i not a bad person or rarely ever let friends down but i now have my mother to take care of ( she fell at christmas and had impacted facture on her upper arm and it has been very slow healing) and i have my mother in law who at 82 is now retiring and wants to move closer to us(i'm the only daughter in law she has-one son has moved to mo. and my husband works hard so i can stay home). and i also have a 4 year old son who is almost 5. i babysit 3-4 days a week for a 3 year old girl. this wedding is planned for may of 2008. my son's birthday is in may and we always do big for his birthday. and wedding is her fourth and his third-they are planning a big wedding. and she wants the bridemaids to help her with all the planning. i don't have time. so please help with some advice on how to tell her i don't want to be in the wedding or don't have time to do anything extra without losing a friend!!!!!
well today was the day i told my friend(march 18th). i was really dreading this phone call but with all the reponses everyone gave me was great support and helped me to have the guts to go thru the phone call. and she did actually as everyone said she would-we even talked longer on the phone about other things. so thank-you everyone for helping with a situation that could have been bad but turned out still having a good friend!!!
Hi there-
you simply have to tell her the nicest way you know how. And you should do it now rather than later.
A.
I would tell her that you are honored that she asked you, but that with the responsibilities you already have, you wouldn't be able to devote enough resources (time, money, thought, etc) to do her wedding justice. If she's a good friend, she will understand, forget about her wanting you to be an integral part of her wedding, and try to help you with the stresses in your life as well as be happy if you can even just attend the event! If you want to help, that's great...maybe offer one day to help stuff/mail invitations, keep track of RSVP's, pick up the flowers from the florist...whatever you choose.
Whatever you decide you DO want to do, I wouldn't mention that you don't want to be in it, or why...unless you feel your friendship is strong enough to handle it...or unless you risking the friendship is worth telling her you don't think it's going to work the fourth time around...you could strengthen it, or lose it...either way, it'll never be the same.
Tough spot -- I wish you the best of luck.
Hi K.~
Just tell her the truth. Since shes your friend she will understand.
Something along the lines of:
Im honored your asked and at any other time in my life I would have loved to do it but with everything going on in my life right now I just can't. I hope I haven't hurt you and look forward to being there on your special day. :o)
Best of Luck!
C.
You should definitely tell her right away that you don't want to be in it. Imagine how you would feel if you had a bridesmaid who secretly did not want to be involved in your wedding. I had the same situation happen - a bridesmaid of mine was not at all involved in any wedding planning or help whatsoever (but it was not due to any obligations - she was just lazy and not a good friend). I would have rather had her tell me right away that she was honored but couldn't fulfill the bridesmaid responsibilities.
I'm sure she will understand, and if she doesn't, then she is definitely not a very good friend. I'm sure she will be a little disappointed, but it's better to tell her now than to wait until it's too late to find replacements for you and your son.
I agree with everything that Terri C said....thats a great way to handle this.
Good Luck!
Tell her exactly what you're telling us. Better to tell her right away so it's not harder on her to find a replacement. Just don't say you don't want to be in the wedding, go into explanation like you did with us. I'm sure she'll understand if you're honest with her. If she doesn't, oh well.
Good luck!
just tell her kinda like you just did to us say gosh im really sorry and wish i had the time but my mother is nt getting much better and my mother in law.... things are just so hectic ....
she'll understand and youll feel a lot better when you get it over with , the sooner the better, before the girl goes bridezilla with the planning and you fell trapped into it. good luck!!!!
Just be honest with her. Just let her know you would love to be a part of her special day, but right now is not feasible because of your mothers poor health and mother inlaw situation (seeing that she wants the bridesmaids really involved) you would not be able to commit to the extra time it would take be be part of the planning and so forth. Maybe your son could still be in it, then it wouldn't be so much on you.
If she can't understand, well.......she'll get over it if she is a true friend of yours.
Honesty is the best here.
I would be honest with her up front and tell her how you feel. You could offer to be a personal attendant, so you would still be involved but not have to do all the fittings and planning that a bridesmaid has to do. Personal attendant ends up helping the bride a lot on the day of the wedding, getting dressed and ready etc. but not nearly as much as the bridesmaids do. But I would let her know as soon as possible so she could ask someone else. If you let her know you still care about her and the wedding and that you just can't take any more on right now. You could tell her that you just don't have the time to be a good bridesmaid. If she is a true friend, she will understand! Good luck!!
I would maybe just have a "girls" night and explain everything to her. Maybe if you told her that you would be willing to help here and there, it would soften the blow. I'm sure that if she is a true friend, she will understand. That is a lot on your plate already and although you value the friendship and I'm sure you are honored to be asked, taking on a wedding on top of everything else would just be too much. Good Luck.
First of all, shame on them for expecting everyone to devote so much time and money to marriages that they can't even take seriously themselves. I made a mistake the first time around and when I got married again I had 1 matron of honor and 1 best man and we paid for everything ourselves AND asked for no gifts in the invites.
I would just tell her that at this time in your life you are unable to afford to be in the wedding and don't have the time to dedicate to helping out.
If she wants to have some great big 4th wedding she needs to put the time into it herself and be happy that anyone shows up at all.
Don't feel bad about it, I wouldn't even bat an eye about it.
Good luck,
J.
K.
If she is a good friend she will understand that you have no REAl spare time. With your mom and mother-in-law, your son babysitting...etc. I would just tell her like it is. If she doesn't understand then she wasn't a good/real friend to begin with.
Good Luck
L.
If she is a friend, she will except your answer of No. You should bow out. I'd tell her, "I'd LOVE to be in your wedding, however, with the extra work of taking care of my mother, I don't think that I'll have the time or money to be as involved as I'd like to." Ask her for a smaller role, say...church greeter, or perhaps you could spend a day helping her with the invitations, etc. There are many roles that you could play in the wedding, and it doesn't have to take up so much of a committment. Good luck,...and, just note,...if this ruins your friendship, then she wasn't as good of a friend as you thought...she will understand.
I had a similar situation happen and I just explained that I was flattered and honored to be asked however, I just will not be able to accept. I went on to explain that I just have too many obligations and that I would not feel right about not devoting the correct amount of time to her. I also explained that I really value our friendship and that I hoped that this would not effect it. Thank her. If she is a real friend, she will understand.
