A Somewhat Extreme Question

You cannot be too careful i would take her to birthday party's and play dates, and meet her friends and the parents, and yes i believe i would tell her about only the doctor and mommy can see her body or private parts to make her better if she is sick.

S.,
I started talking to my daughter about that age. Just start real basic and talk about privates and that no one should be touching the private areas except the doctors and whom ever you trust to touch in case of infection or something.

Its hard but its the world we live in.

From: A.
Date March 3, 2008
A little about me:

I have 3 boys now, ages 22,24,26.
When they were little and even now that they are older, we tell them to find and adult and tell the adult or bigger person, they need help to find their mom.
Hopefully this bigger person will help them.

Hi S.,
You have gotten a lot of great feedback and hopefully you now realize that this is not at all an extreme question. I am a social worker/therapist and mom of a young girl (age 7). I have always called body parts by their "real" names. I have also always told her that what her bathing suit covers is private and no one can touch her there without permission. (the doctor should ask permission. There are some great books at the local bookstores...go browse them and find one you like.

In terms of getting separated from you...I may be paranoid, but I worry about people impersonating police officers and I also worry about the "rent-a-cops" at the mall...I have always told my daughter to find a "mom with kids" figuring that if she told another mom she was lost they would help her. I also feel like safety in numbers...so a mom with kids is a safe bet! I have not told my daughter NOT to go to a police officer (and my husband is in fact a police officer) just that our safety plan is that she find a mom with kids to tell she's lost.

D.

I told mine when school started because, at that point, I knew that I could not keep my eye on him every second. We just talked about not all people are nice and when from there without talking about anything too scary. That same year, I lost him at a rummage sale. He had wondered out in to the parking lot--scared me to death--finally a woman came in asking whose child this may be. After talking with her, she said that he was by him mom's car and he WOULD NOT go with her. I could have kicked myself for losing track of him, but it was very clear that our little discussion worked. It's very sad that we even need to have these discussions with our lil' ones. By the way, my son is 14 now and he does not seem to be any worse for it, but he does remember those conversations and going through the scenarios well. I know it is not fun, but I had a friend--wife of a police officer--who always said, "Better scared kid than dead kid." That always stuck with me.

J.

Hi S.!
I think it's never to early to talk about this kind of stuff because the world has such ugliness in it sometimes. I just think what you say should be age appropriate. For instance you wouldn't sit down with your daughter & do the whole birds & bees thing but you might say (if she asks) that babies come from mommy's tummy & leave it at that (because that's all she needs to know at that point). The best advice I've heard from some of the "experts" is to tell her if it doesn't feel right to her then it probably isn't. Also another little bit that an officer told my son's Kindergarten class is if you're uncomfortable yell fire not help because that always draws more attention.

Good luck!

A friend who worked for social services told me a couple of things: first that you should teach your child the correct names of her private parts (in case she ever is touched inappropriately she can explain to authorities where) and tell her they are private, for her only and for parents just to wash (unless she is old enough to wash herself) and doctors to look at if a parent is present. Second, teach your child not to just scream, but scream "you are not my mommy (or daddy) if someone should start leading them away and if just lost in a store, instead of yelling "Mommy", have her yell your first and last name so you know that call is your child's voice and no other Mommy's have to panic. I think it is appropriate at this age to teach a child that if any touch makes your child feel uncomfortable, she should tell you about it. Teach her that no means no and stop means stop (even if it's you tickling her for fun, follow those rules) and do not keep secrets (because often criminals tell kids to keep secrets from their parents), but do keep surprises. Good luck!!

I started with my children as soon as they went to daycare/Headstart. I told them that no one was allowed to touch them anywhere that their bathing suits covered. These were considered private areas and that no one should touch them there. If anyone tried to touch them there without mom or dad around (like at the doctors) they were to tell another grown up as soon as possible. The main thing is to make sure that they know they have not done anything wrong, but that the other person is doing something wrong. As they grow older and start to develop their own sense of modesty, I have then talked with them about this in more detail.

Hi there.

I think at this age, this kind of talk is probably not appropriate but I do agree that its important. I think you can work on her awareness to keep her genitals private. My son is three but he knows that his genitals are private because we've always treated it that way. We change his diaper and clean him but its done in a very casual quick way. Now that he is three, Ive asked him to clean himself so that even his genitals are private to me. He had a stage where he liked to show himself and I reinforced the idea that this is private. Aside from that there are other things that parents can do to help build a sense of boundaries in children. For example, I never force my son to kiss or hug anyone. I stop tickling when he says to. I never force him to wear any clothes that he thinks are uncomfortable and I never cut his hair if he disagrees. All of these things believe it or not build a sense of ownership of self for the child and they will know what is a violation of their body.

I would say 3 is fine. I began talking to my nine year old at about that age. I started by while helping her to wash up. I taught her how to wash her private areas and explained that no one should be allowed to touch her private areas but her (even when washing up). As she got older I explained more in detail as she bagan asking questions. I also told her that if it should ever happen then she should immediately tell me or her Aunt. She now has a good under standing of what it means and I often ask her questions and reinforce what I have taught her. Your not being overprotective...Just being a concerned Mom.

This is not an extreme question at all. When my daughter was around 3 years old I started to talk with her about this issue. It is imperative that we equip our children with information they need to be safe in this world today. There is a book in the Berenstein Bears series that talks about not talking to strangers. Sister Bear gets afraid of everyone because "everyone but family are strangers." The book discusses this well for the young child. My daughter also had another book that had separate chapters about different uncomfortable scenarios around a child's right not to be touched. It even had an uncle in one of the stories that was being inappropriate. I am sure if you go to your local library and check the children's section, you will find similar books.

The important thing is to explain and talk with your child about what this means and how to react if something does happen like this. Children in the preschool years are egocentric and believe they made this thing happen. Keep an open discussion going with your child so she will feel comfortable coming to you with questions and concerns. Also formulate a plan with your child when you are not with her about who can help if she does not feel safe. For example, if we get separated at the grocery store, you go to an adult that works there and ask them to page me. Or if she is at daycare or preschool, go to the teacher.

I hope this information helped. Obviously, this information is just as applicable to male children.

A.

I don't know that I have specific advice (and frankly, I'm curious to see what others say), but I have a 2-1/2 year old daughter and, so far, I've just tried to throw a few things into everyday conversations that I think are a good foundation. In other words, when we go to the doctor and I tell her she will need to take off clothes I say it's okay to do that because Mommy will be with her. If we see a stranger out walking I tell her it's okay to say hello to that person as long as she's with Mommy (or Daddy, etc.). When she has discovered private parts of her body (or mine!) I just name them and call them private. Then I tell her that it's not polite to touch others' private parts or to have hers touched (as she gets older, I guess I'll have to be more specific about that--like baths, dr., etc.--, but for now, it seems to be clear enough for her). If we see or talk about police officers, I reinforce that they are helpers. Again, I'd love to see what others have to say, too, but so far this seems to be enough for us.

My daughter is 4 and I think I started when she was 3. I told her they were her special parts and then as she would take a bath or put panties on we would talk about who could touch her. Can mommy? Can Riley(her friend)? Just to make it more interactive and also not to be so serious that she's scared. I would also encourage her that if someone touches her to run. That I have heard is the best defense someone tries to kidnap them. Be careful not to put your fears in her to make her fearful. It's so hard!

S. - I don't think this is extreme at all. My two year old got lost in Target once and was gone for 15 minutes before we found him in the toy section - you never know these days. When they were little, I told my kids to find someone with a name tag if they were lost. We would practice what to do if someone wanted them to go with them or was doing something that made them uncomfortable. We've taught them to yell - "you're not my mommy/daddy, leave me alone". Like you - I figure this will give me time to get to them - hopefully. I've also talked with them about how no one should touch them anywhere their bathing suit covers. My pediatrician also starts to speak with them about it around the age of 3. Most importantly, you really need to let her know that she can tell you ANYTHING. We can only protect them so much before they're out in the world, and knowing you have a very supportive and loving parent, is really the best protection. Unfortunately, most of these horrible things are done to kids by people they know - so it's super important that she knows it's ok to tell you bad things about people in your life. All in all, I think it's pretty safe out there - it's just with the internet and 24/7 news we're bombarded with it every day.

Hi S.,

Start educating as soon as she can understand. I am a counselor that works with sexually abused children - and this does happen to very young children, even infants. So, it is important to start early. An easy way to do this is to explain that no one should touch their private parts unless their parent is helping them take a bath, go to the bathroom, or if they are being examined by a doctor. You can define the private parts as the part of the body that is covered by a swim suit or underwear. Explain that these parts are special and private. Also tell her that any touches that someone wants her to keep a secret or that makes her feel icky should be told to you. Warn against strangers and people she knows, as often predators are people that the children are somewhat comfortable with.

Scary topic. My little girl is only ten months and I am already paranoid.

Hope this helps!
S.

It is never too soon to teach your baby about safety. In this world we need to arm our children very young,if she can understand you ,you should be teaching her. You should be applauded for doing it this young...think about it,pedophiles dont just go for older children,infact they useually go for the younger ones thaey are hoping wont fight back or dont know any better yet. teach her that it is not o.k for anybody other than mommy or doctor or daddy to touch her in her private spots and teach her that if this ever happens she is to tell you immediatly and that she will not get in trouble it will not be her fault. Good luck.

The best advice for me, was to tell them, that NOBODY should ever touch you where your bathing suit goes. With the exception of mommy and the doctor if mommy is there with you.

S.,

Gavin deBecker has a great book about how fear is part of our natural defenses and we should listen to it. I can't recall the title at this time. Cultivating our children's confidence to listen to and express their intuitive feelings is one way to begin to address your concerns. Your pediatrician is another person who can make the conversation about appropriate touch easier. Make the conversation about ways we share attention and care appropriately part of everyday conversation in terms of how we interact with friends. Listen to and watch for cues and curiosity from your daughter about her body to let you know developmentally what she can understand. No need to scare her, just let her know what the boundaries with others should be. You can also be very clear with babysitters about what is allowed and what is not, for instance bath your child before babysitter comes so there is no need to have this interaction. Hope this helps.

I know this post is from a while ago, but thought I would add my two cents.

Since my child could talk, just over age one, I introduced the concept of "You are in charge of your own body." It came up because of situations like other kids pulling, hitting biting her etc. in daycare. I basically told her, that she is in charge of her body and if she doesn't like how someone is touching her or making her feel, then she should use her words to say "No! "Stop it! That hurts!"

Now, she is 4 years old. We have continued the above discussion, including the idea that she CAN say "No!" to adults and if she is ever not sure about how she is feeling she should talk to us - we will never get mad for her saying no if she is feeling bad or worried.

We are also now at an age where she has learned the distinction about lies and pretend and truth. So, now we talk about how some people will lie to kids and that she needs to follow the rules of mom and dad (like, don't leave the playground) no matter what someone else says. When she was around 2 1/2 to 3, I started casually using scenarios to see what kind of decisions she would make - like what if another daddy at the playground wanted you to help him find his lost puppy? would you go help him? The answer is no, I would come tell mommy and you could help him.

Now, at such a young age, I dont't trust her at all to actually do any of this, so I naturally never take my eyes off of her. But I want to encourage her to think independently and not be a people pleaser who will just do whatever any adult tells her,

I have also taught her recently, if she loses mommy while we are out, to stand still and not leave. I have played and practiced pulling her arm and asked her to yell NO and pull away - as if someone else where to grab her what would she do, etc.

All together, this probebly sounds sort of severe, but I basically have done all there things gradually over three+ years and look for opportunities to introduce them in a relaxed and matter-of-fact matter. I never sat down with her for any one "talk."

Recently, she went up to a daddy at a playground and asked him to push her on the swings while I was busy with our baby. It scared the hell out of me. This was the first time I actually said, "some people want to do bad things and just because he is a daddy doesn't mean he is a nice man, although he probably is ... blah, blah...

Mostly, I want her to use her instincts = "trust her tummy" Oprah has talked about this several times in talking about victimization. So I also take opportunities to talk about this, for example, there is a Betrix Potter story my daughter just started reading (Jemima Puddle-duck). In it, the duck meets a fox who wants to eat her for dinner. The duck is cluelsss, but in one conversation is surprised when the fox is suddenly not too nice to her. I use that to point out to my daughter that the duck should have listened to her feelings of discomfort and run away.

For me, I worry a little less about the creepy guy in a car who might grab a child and much more about the dad down the block who is an abuser. That is why I want my daughter to know she can stand up for herself AND I won't be angry if she does. She is a nice kid, so I know if she ever says something "disrespectful" to an adult, it is because there is a good reason. I know it is scary stuff, but it is scarier to believe your child won't know the right thing to do.

Hi S.,
I have had talks with all 3 of my kids. I would talk to her as soon as she can understand words. Just let her know that no one should touch her in any way that ever makes her feel upset.
I found that the best way to talk with them and make it easy is at bath time. when we wash up, we name our body parts ( of course this was when the older ones were younger) and then I told them that certain areas are "private areas" and no one is allowed to touch them there. Of course Mommy can help them wipe the bottoms when they potty but no one else other then mom and dad, or who ever helps in child care.
I hope that this helps.

you are a little behind time, that should have started when she was 2, but you are not to late start now because people out here is so crazy now I wish I would had talked to my girls when they were that young. I was never talked to at all and i didn't talk to my girls didn't know how. So please start now you don't want nothing to happen to her.. BE SAFE

I have a daughter who is 2 1/2 yo. I bring it up only when she calls attention to her genitals. Ie. one day she told me that her vagina hurt. So, I grilled her on whether anyone had touched her there (NO!). Then I told her that only Mommy & Daddy (& Grandma & her daycare provider) were allowed to touch her there only to help her wash and/or wipe after using the potty. I told her NO ONE else is allowed to touch her there ever. Later she asked me to kiss it b/c it hurt (slight diaper rash), which gave me another opportunity to tell her that we never, ever, never, kiss there for any reason.

We always taught our kids from an early age that pubic areas, etc. are private parts that only they and mom/dad can touch. It eventually sinks in as long as you consistently follow thru. Here is what I really wanted to tell you. I have taught our kids to look for another Mom if they get lost anywhere. Here is why:

Women are considerably less likely to be peodophiles.
Moms share our same concerns and will act to help the child.
Police officers and store clerks are hard to find and anyone can wear a uniform.
And hey, what mom wants to take extra kids home!!!LOL
Good luck.

Some of the responses below reminded me that I'd been sent a link to a sex offender list long ago (way before I had my daughter) and was so shocked when I'd entered my zip code that more than 300 offenders showed up (and that was in 2005 - I'm scared to look now), and I thought I lived in a "nice neighborhood". Goes to show that no matter where you are and live, you have to be cognizant of your surroundings and teach your children to do the same.

So sad.

Here's the site:

www.familywatchdog.us

I understand completely... I have a three year old daughter as well and we have the same issue. Athough you do not want to think the worst of people you also don't want your child to be naive in thinking. It's ashame and truly unfortunate that this is the times we live in that we have to even think about things like this. The reality is that we DO need to speak to our kids about these issues because if we don't someone else will. The key is doing this in the most appropriate way that is not going to scare her.

There are SEVERAL books that will help you discuss with your daughter about dangerous strangers. I bought a couple of these myself for my children:

1. Not-Everyone-Is-Nice: Helping Children Learn Caution with Strangers by Frederick-Alimonti

2. Also Humogonous has a book called "Stranger Danger" that helps talk about Strangers.

You can find these and other books like this at Barnes and Noble.

Good Luck! S.

I tell my kids (ages 6 and 4) that no one is allowed to touch their privates - meaning anywhere that their underwear (or, for my daughter, her bathing suit) covers up. I stress (in a calm way) that their bodies belong to them, and that no one has the right to touch them. Other than a doctor who is examining them with mommy in the room, or mommy is drying them off at bath time, no one is ever allowed to touch them there. Also, the big thing is to make sure that you daughter knows that it is never ok for an adult to ask them to keep a secret (this is something abusers do). That's a huge way that abusers keep their victims silent. No secrets! Good luck.

S., I don't really know what the "appropiate age" to discuss this is! I have a 12 year old stepdaughter, and 5 year old and 3 year old girls. I have always talked to them regarding their private areas and how it's not ok for anyone to touch them in those areas. I have explained how it's ok for me to wipe after the potty #2 but not to let ANYONE touch, look at etc. The preschool they all went to as well as their school now doesn't allow their teachers or care givers to help them in the bathroom. They were expected to be self sufficient in the restrooms in order to be accepted into the school. At home, my 5 year old and 3 year old ask for help when cleaning up after a messy BM but other than that they are on their own when using the potty. They wash their privates in the bath and I showed them how as early as I could. I hope that I explained to them how important it is to be modest when it comes to the private area.
So to answer your question, I think it's as early as they can understand

K.

Hi, S.. My girls are only two and I've already started telling them that only Mommy and Daddy are allowed to wash them/wipe them; that only Mommy, Daddy, and the doctor are allowed to see them naked, etc. I don't think it's ever too early. Just make sure you do it in a manner that doesn't make her scared of everyone. It's a crazy world we live in. I hate watching the news any more. FYI, make sure you know your neighbors. We just found out one of ours (a state trooper no less) is a pedophile.

Hi S.,
I know how scarey it is to have young children during this time. I think you should tell her to yell "fire" if someone tries to take her. That is what they tell you if you are being attacked. I would for sure show her the private areas because you never know with daycare workers/folks at church people she wouldn't be afraid of - you know. Keep the faith! You are a good mommmy watching out for her. J.

teach her that no one can touch her where her bathing suit covers. use the words for the body parts too so then she can explain to you what happened ( I pray it never does.)
there is also a point where daddy no longer gives her baths. no male babysitters, no living with guys for you and make sure who watches her during the day, that no one has accessibility to her when you are not there....i'm with you. too many wierd things going on.

hugs, L.

mine are three also, and i have also been debating how i go about this topic. i don't know whether mine at least would understand the 'privates' thing, so instead of concentrating on that i have told them to tell mami if someone touches them, anywhere. and also have told them strangers are not good and that if they see a stranger to scream as loud as they can. i'd rather them make a mistake and scream at someone then not scream risking a dangerous situation. when they get a bit older i will have that conversation.

I started talking about it when it related to us. For example, when she turned an age to where she could understand to an extent...I told about strangers. You will see strangers all the time, and I wanted her to know never to talk to them, go anywhere with them...all of that. Of course though, I did explain the why's age appropriate. As soon as she was having experiences without me to protect or watch over her (when she went to preschool at 4) I talked about the no touching. I of course, felt that I kept it age appropriate, explaining that her body is private, no one should touch or ask her to...all of that. And made sure with touching and strangers...that I gave her options on what she can do when in those situations. I really don't feel that you can tell them too early, as long as they understand, and you explain it at an age appropriate level... I am all for preparing them, giving them the tools BEFORE they are put into a situation and are left unknowing. I definitely would hate to find out something like those things happened, and she didn't know it was wrong or what to do about it simply because I failed to inform her. And I did mention that if someone does touch her on her private parts, or things along those lines...and says she can't tell someone...that maybe they would do something mean to her family if she does... I make very clear that she can, and should tell me... and me and daddy would protect her, and that person is only saying that because he/she doesn't want to get in trouble.
K.

My son is 4 and I tell him the the parts of his body under his bathing suit are his "privates" and that "privates stay private". I've explained to him that it means no one touches his privates and he does not touch anyone else's privates. The stranger thing is a little tougher to explain without scaring them, but you do what needs to be done to keep them safe! We've told my son that there are bad people out there who hurt children and to be safe, we don't talk to ANY strangers because we don't know if they are nice. I think a little fear might actually be helpful??

Its not extreme. My great-niece is 4 years old. My niece started talking to her about that when she was 3. When she went to the Dr. last month the dr asked her to pull down her pants. Her reply was NO!!!. Then when her mother told her it was ok, the Dr was just going to look in the area. She told the Dr.(which by the way is female)that she could not touch her right there. The Dr. told my niece, "I see you have had that talk". As soon as you think she understands and children are so bright, by all means have that talk!!!!

Hey S.,
You are never alone and overprotective of your child. As a matter of fact, I respect any parents who take extra measures on how to raise their child - the right way and with full respect and dignity.

When our daughter turn 3yrs old, and she became very friendly towards people - adults expecially; that was when we started to have "open" conversation with her. We'd explain things that one should and shouldn't do to her. At first there were gazillions of questions from her but after a while she understood our message. Her teachers at preschool is a great help too.

One day after school, our daughter told us that she now knows what she need to do when someone else besides us (her parents) try to take her away from either one of us. With her own words and expression, she showed us that she needs to scream her hearts out and say that this is not my mommy or daddy. She also knows how and when to dial 911. She also knows her home # as well as our cell #.

Fyi, one day we saw a police officer at Wawa and I approached the officer and sharing with him that my husband and I are in a process of explaining things to our daughter and the officer "told" her things that she needs to do and cannot do and things that could lead her into trouble. She was afraid of the officer at first, but after a while, she warmed up and started asking questions too.

So really, I think there isn't really a time to have this discussion with your child. If you think she is mature enough (which normally girls are compared to boys at that age); than take every opportunity to have an open discussion and share with her all the things that will be benefial to her as she grow older.

Fyi, we also bought an emergency kit - with name, address of the child and parents, type blood, her weight, height, fingerprint and of course, latest picture of your child.

This was probably the best time to get your child be involved getting the kit together in order for your child to better understand the whole concept of being taken away by somebody other than her parents, unexpected contact with anybody in her private areas, etc.

Good luck to you. Remember, the key is never stop communicating with your child - even if it is a silly thing.

A little about me:
Work full time in IT industry, married to "the male version of me" for 8yrs. We have a daughter F. who will be 5yrs old in Nov'08.

Hi S.. In my opinion, immediately. You should definitely start talking about privacy, bathroom and private parts, touching, etc. A police officer discussed this issue with my daughter's first grade class last year and a child raised his hand and asked what are private parts. The officer replied all the areas that are covered by a bathing suit. "No one touches your body and you should not touch anyone else's." If your child wants to give a hug or a kiss she should ask. Also, never force your child to give hugs to relatives. For sure, the greeting of the day, etc., but hugs and kisses, only if she has a close relationship with that person and then, you know what, she will do it willingly.

Further, if a stranger tries to grab her, teach her to yell "fire!" People will pay attention, anything else they may turn the other cheek. He or she will say the child is his or hers and is being defiant. Good luck! Let's keep our children protected.

Hi, My daughter is now 13, but when she was little I use to tell her that, that area was private and that no one would touch her there not even Mommy or Daddy unless she said she had a problem down there. She needed to come to me and tell me if anyone tried to touch her there. I would tell her anytime that I felt it was appropriate, like her using the bathroom, if I saw her touching herself, I would tell her it's ok for her too but no one was to touch her there. I don't know if this helps, hope it does, but that's what I did.

My son turned 3 in November and when we went to his 3year well-check at the pediatrician, the doctor actually brought it up and talked to us about it. She said that it is good to just do what you are doing... emphasize that they shouldn't talk to strangers and to scream if someone tries to do anything inappropriate in a public place. But she also talked about reinforcing that only mommy and daddy and the doctor should touch them and that if they are uncomfortable with someone touching them to tell mommy and daddy, etc... We don't make a big deal about it, but we bring it up every so often. It sounds like you are already doing the right thing. Good luck!

I tell my girls form the get go I have had them tell the doc mot to touch them from 1 yr old.