A Modified CIO Method for 7+ Month Old Seems to Be the Best Solution, But...

Honey, I read all the books. ALL of them (I love to read). There's a reason we have so many choose from: no one has solved the sleep issues for kids under 3 yet! I fretted over the development/no sleep thing too, but I've come to peace about it: you set the stage for the best sleep possible, and if it doesn't take, it doesn't take. Try again later. i mean, could someone force you to sleep on command? Probably not. I took to cosleeping with both of my boys. It's worked the best over everything else I tried. I then did a modified CIO with my first boy at 13 months. You could try it again in a few months, but if it's not working now, shelve it and come back to it. Good luck.

I would reccomend going back in after 5-10 minutes and rather than pick him up just pat him on the back or make some other contact with out picking him up. It will tell him you are there but that it is time for him to stay in bed. Then leave again and repeat as needed. It usually only take 1-2 times before they fall asleep.

The CIO or not debate as you probably know has many sides. I went into motherhood not for or against it. I will say I have never had to resort to real CIO just a few minutes of fussing with both my kids (now 5.5yrs and 3yrs old) We fell into a routine of eat, play, sleep -- which was hard because I breastfed and it was so easy to nurse to sleep.

I read something before my oldest was even born about most people missing the cues and putting babies to sleep after they are over tired. Somewhere I kept it in my head and about the 4-5 month mark with my oldest we started to really struggle with naps and nights. I stepped back and noticed that she really was doing things like rubbing her eyes, yawning, an hour or so before "naptime" So I moved naps and to my supprise within 5 days I could put her down in her crib awake and she would maybe babble or coo for a couple of minutes and out she went (without crying most of the time). I applied the same thing to bedtimes and it meant moving "bedtime" from 7pm to 6-6:30pm and it just flowed.

When the kids were little the window of opprotunity was as short as 15 minutes, it has grown a bit -- to be closer to an hour. If we are out doing something in the evening and we get home after bedtime (now 8pm) if they aren't in bed by 9pm it can be difficult to get them calm and in bed to stay.

E.

We did the CIO method for our son and in a few months will be doing the same with our daughter. My son is now 2 and a half and he sleeps great at nap time and night time. If he wakes up at night he can almost always get himself back to sleep. It was so hard to let him cry but I knew it was my job as his mother to teach him how to fall asleep on his own.

I always used the 5 minute rule with CIO. At bed time I would put my boys to bed, awake, and leave. If they cried I would wait 5 minutes and then go in and comfort them without feeding or removing them from the crib. I would just rub their tummie and hum, talk, or sing softly until they calmed down. Then I would leave. If they started to fuss I would wait another 5 minutes. I never had to go in more then once, but you are starting later so he may fight it t little more. My boys just figured out that at bed time, they were not getting out of that bed no matter what, so they did not fight sleep so hard.

M.-

I know how hard it is to hear your baby cry. I ask you to try the cry it out method for three days. I really struggled with it the first day. I just wanted to run in and comfort them. My husband and I had to close the nursery door and our door and put down a towel to not hear them cry. But, after the first day, it got a lot easier. They did not cry as much and went to sleep quicker. By the third day, I don't think they cried more than a minute. I have three children and all of them are great sleepers. The method really works if you do it.

Good luck to you,
Annemarie

So much great advice, and experience! I know as a first-time mom I was SO against the CIO method... but when our wonderful sleeper started not being such a wonderful sleeper (and this full-time teacher was a total mess all day and night!)-- the pediatrican told me that it would work, and it would not take long. I trusted her and within 3 days she was able to fall asleep on her own.

What our pediatrican told us was to extend the time by 5 minutes each time she cried. When we did go in, we did NOT pick her up (that just "rewards" the effort), we just spoke very gently and soothingly and patted her a little. It was really challenging at first, but little ones are much smarter than we give them credit for.

Also, I was convinced that I would "scar her for life" or give her "abandonment issues" if I didn't rush to her side, swoop in and smother her with "love and security" of rocking, holding, etc. I quickly came to realize that the love and security comes through her father and I interacting with her before bedtime, when she wakes up, and all the other wonderful time we spend together when she SHOULD be awake, not getting the sleep she so desperately needs!

I do think Erica's advice about "overtired" babies having a hard tme is worth noting. I know our daughter (who is now 2) has a much harder time settling and getting sleepy when she's TOO tired. Maybe start the settling down routine about a half hour earlier than you have been.

We are expecting our second daughter, and I can't imagine what I'd do if my firstborn was still struggling with sleep! The lessons we learn ;-) It is hard not to beat ourselves up about it--but think of it this way--he will be OKAY, he's too young to understand all of the complex emotions you are associating with his crying. He's learned to cry as his communication for getting something. When our daughter slept through the night after a 1.5 hour crying spell (with us attempting to sooth her frequently) the first two nights of CIO--she was still a happy, delightful, little one in the morning! When she got the sleep she needed (one of your major concerns), she and I were both SOOOO much happier in general.

Don't feel like a failure! You are doing everything you think is right for your son, asking your question is one more way of helping! Best wishes to you mama!!

One suggestion that really worked for me was to use a diaper as a burp rag (affectionately named a "raggy") when feeding and rocking him before putting him down for a nap. Use that raggy and put it under him when you put him down. It will smell like you and it will be warm. Very soothing.

Hi, M.. I know what a hard time this must be for you and sympathize. I know that Dr. Ferber suggests CIO but in the interview I saw of him he said he suggests it as a last resort with very structured rules to it. He says to exhaust all other resources first. I can't help but see in your post that your son did used to go to sleep just fine until recently. Have there been any changes in your lives, environment, etc.? Is he growth spurting, and therefore more hungry? You don't mention if he is nursed, given formula, eats solids, etc. Is he teething (very common at this age), and are you giving him teething tablets or such to see if it helps? Also, this age is when separation anxiety occurs. He may be realizing he is separated from you and is genuinely frightened by it. If this last option is the case, he just needs to know you are there and haven't abandoned him. Sing him to sleep, or rock him and put him down. If none of these options help, then you can let him cry but for only 5 min the first time, then go to him but don't pick him up (you can pat him and whisper or sing to him), then leave for 10min and come back, etc. I really like Jen C.'s advice, definitely let's your baby know you are still there for him. Personally, I think letting a baby scream for over an hour is excessive and there is definitely something wrong. I know research states that when babies cry in distress for a long time like that (when they are alone) their brains release cortisol into their blood stream and it can affect them negatively. Not trying to scare you, just some good info to know. A baby's only way of coomunicating that something is wrong is by crying, so we need to listen and investigate why. I know what a hard time this is with lack of sleep and such. Hang in there. This too shall pass and sooner than you think, your little one will be going off to school, college, etc. Good luck and God bless!

M.,

When my kids were little like yours we did the same modified CIO. Like you, it **killed** me to listen to my kids cry when I knew that all I had to do was go in there and it would all be OK again. I didn't go in, and sometimes my hubby had to hold me back. Now I'm glad.

My kids are now 5 1/2 and 2 and can put themselves back to sleep without a parent in the room. It was hard, and often I felt like my heart was being ripped out, but it is worth it now. My 2 year old will, most nights, put up a token protest. I say token because she's laying down fussing as I cover her with her blanket. It seems like she's testing to see if she can get us to come back.

Hang in there, you are doing a good thing for you and your baby!

Supportively,
Melissa

First and formost - RELAX. The more uptight you get with the situation the more that energy is going to be passed along. I truly believe there is no right or wrong method involved here and don't let anyone else's "Philosophy" make you feel guilty or upset. Every person is different and every child's needs are different. As long as he is growing well and is active and healthy then what you are doing is working for him. You will develop a method that works for you and will probably have to readjust it many times to meet his changing needs. There is nothing wrong with letting them cry it out as long as you are not ignoring them for hours at a time and are paying attention for any signs of true physical difficulties.

Hang in There! You are doing great!

You poor thing! I can hear your pain! All I want to say is, my parents did the cry it out with me and my brothers and we all turned out fine! I think there is too many people passing judgements on how people choose to parent their children these days. Different things work for different people! Try not to worry too much about what books say especially if its causing you anxiety. Afterall, back in the day there weren't any parenting books to be read and people still survived. And whos to say just because its in a book its the right choice for you and your family anyway! Try to relax. Don't stress out too much about your little one getting enough sleep, they go through so many stages and I bet in a week or two he will be right back to where you had him. CIO wont hurt him either although it is painful to endure. I can say that like most moms I cant stand to hear my baby cry, we've always layed down with him and snuck out after he fell asleep.. Not that its a necessarily good way to go because now its our routine!! But, though at times it can be time consuming it works for us and I really enjoy that special bedtime time with our son, afterall he will only want to cuddle with his mommy for so long! Good luck, and remember no one knows better about what your child needs than you. Every stage you go through with him, he's communicating with you what he needs, its your job to figure out what that is. And sometimes it just takes a little longer to "get it" then you hoped for... and usually (especially in the first year of their life) by the time you finally understand, they're already onto a whole different problem! :)

M.,
I feel your pain. My daughter is a definite fighter when it comes to sleep also. We recently bought Dr. Richard Ferber's book Solve Your Childs Sleep Problems and it has some helpful information. I know another book is probably the last thing that you want, so I'll give you the jist of his plan.
Have a set "soothing" routine for naps and bedtime. (We usually play a "napping" song of some kind, read a book and then hold her while we walk a few laps around her room) After the routine is done, place Adrian in his crib and tell him it's time to sleep. Leave the room. Assuming he's crying, return after 1 minute. Soothe him by patting, rubbing, etc, but don't pick him up. Stay for only 1-2 minutes and then leave. Assuming he continues crying, wait 3 minutes before you return. Continue with this pattern, adding 2 additional minutes before you return each time.
The key part from Dr. Ferber is that you don't pick him up to soothe him. I found that this worked pretty well for our daughter, and it wasn't as hard on me as just letting her cry would have been. Dr. Ferber claims that within a week, you should see some significant improvement.
Good luck. I've found that naps and bedtime have been some of the toughest times for us.
K.

Hi M.,
Stay in there it will get better. My son with through the same thing. My husband and I agreed on a time limit for his crying that we were both comfortable with and so when we laid him down if he started crying we would let him cry for 15 minutes. If after 15 minutes he wasn't asleep we would go in his room pat his back and talk softly to him for about a minute or so and than leave his room again. We would continue this until he was asleep but normally he was asleep before the first 15 minutes. The important thing that we found is that it worked better if we didn't pick him up after he was laid down. I know it is hard to hear him cry but it makes for better sleeping in the future and after 2 days he was fine.
M.

If you haven't read it yet, try "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weisbluth. There is a lot of good information on the science of sleep, and differing guidelines based on the age and temperament of your child. I didn't start sleep training my older son until he was almost a year old. I was terrified of CIO, but it wasn't bad at all. He was sleeping thru the night an about day 3. Naps took longer, but after a few weeks I could put him in the crib, walk away, and not hear as much as a whimper for the next 2 hours. If you can't stand to listen to the crying, then by all means do something to occupy yourself. Take a shower, do the dishes, vacuum, listen to your ipod. Time goes faster when you're not hovering by the door counting the seconds.

Oh M., the best thing you can do is to be kind to this baby and to yourself. It feels like it'll never end right now but it will get better. My first was the same way. I walked with him in the front pack - we just walked and walked. You'll feel better - he'll get some sleep. And one more thing to cheer you up...I just went to a parent seminar on gifted children. This lady said that it's often the bright ones who have so much trouble sleeping and who seem to feel everything so much. Hang in there,
S.

M., don't despair! At about 3 months old, my son went from napping 2 - 2&1/2 hours at a time, to napping for 1/2 hour at a time. I went through all of this - the swaying, bouncing, etc. I read Pantley, too, and panicked because he must not be getting enough sleep (though she does have some good ideas). I even tried nursing him every time he stirred, hoping that would help him sleep longer. In the end, though, I just decided to trust my baby - if he didn't sleep longer than 1/2 hour, then that was just how much sleep he needed! After letting him nap like that for several weeks, we knew it was the right thing - he showed no signs of fatigue or delayed development, he's still barely had one cold (at 8 months now), and he's happier now, because we're not fighting with him to make him sleep! We joke about why we ordered the non-sleeping model ;-) All babies are different, so some are going to be a bit further away from 'average' than others - it doesn't mean anything's wrong, just that none of the usual advice applies!
Trust yourself & your baby. If he seems like his usual self after only short naps, then that's what he needs.
Good luck!

We don't believe in cry-it-out in our home; we feel that all that teaches is that we won't respond when our baby needs/wants something, and what kind of lesson is that? We trust our son - and he trusts us.

I have lived in your shoes with my first. I read the Baby Whisperer and found some solutions that worked for me. I did not believe in the cry it out method because I couldn't stand to listen to my boy cry. however, with my second I was not going to make the same mistakes and I tried the cry it out and she was asleep within 3 minutes. I think you really have to look at their personality and decide what works best for them. No child is the same as another so these books don't always work. You also have to do what works for you as a parent. If the crying is too hard for you and he doesn't respond well don't do it. try something else. Routine is the biggest key. I know he is only 7 months old, but you need to have a routine you stick to every night, and day for nap, so he knows it's time for sleep. Start with the nighttime. It's easier to get them to sleep. Once established do the same things at nap time. I think a little crying is normal as long as they aren't wailing. You have to be the judge of how hard they are crying. Whimpering is ok. All I can tell you is that we didn't get my son, who is now 4 1/2, to go to sleep on his own and he still doesn't. My daughter on the other hand, we just lay her in bed after stories and say good night and we're done. She goes right to sleep. We still have to lay with my son until he goes to sleep. My point is to start now and get it done so you aren't in my shoes in 4 years. Keep trying new things until something works. Also, keep in mind that when they are young every night can be different with their sleep. Don't think something didnt' work because he woke in the middle of the night. He may be teething, growing, whatever. I know it's frustrating, but you will get there. Good Luck!

Hi M., I definitely feel your pain. My husband and I weren't very excited about CIO methods either, but ALL the research I did via books, internet, other Mamas and our Pediatrician all pointed towards CIO methods being the most effective both short and long-term. We decided for our family to try our own version of a CIO. We actually sat down, debated it back and forth and then wrote it down so that at 3:30AM w/ a crying baby and tired, frustrated parents there wouldn't be any question about what we were trying to do. This was what we did for our son and from the very first night we never made it past the first "check-in" before our son was asleep. However, our son was 4 months when we started this. Your son might take a little bit longer since he's a little older and more aware now. I know that all babies and families are different, but remember that the first few days are the toughest and it really does work if you let it. It's hard though sometimes, especially when you are tired and your darling little one is crying. Our Pediatrician told us that she used the CIO method and would sit on her front porch b/c listening to the crying was the worst. I agree... when our son would fuss himself to sleep once in while, I just had to keep myself busy and distracted and before I knew it he was asleep. It also helped us A LOT to have the same routine EVERY night. We have a very simple routine that is a very short bedtime book after his bedtime bottle and then it's kisses and into the crib for the night. Also, let me define what "crying" for our family meant. If our son was just fussing or doing a mantra cry (repetetive, mono-toned; like ehhh ehhh ehhh) then we let him be in the crib to work it out himself. "Crying" to us meant actual crying w/ tears, etc. You do have to let them try to work it out themselves sometimes (as long as they aren't in any distress). You can always go in to reassure if you need to without picking your son up. A light pat on the back or some soothing words is definitely enough to let them know that you are still there if you need them, but that you expect them to go to sleep.
(A is our son)
1. After A’s night time bottle, read him a bedtime story and put him directly into crib.
2.Say good night and walk out of the room.
3.If A fusses, stay out of his room for 3 minutes and let him fuss/cry.
4.Return to the room to quietly reassure/pat A for 1-2 minutes if he’s fussing, WITHOUT picking him up.
5.If he’s still fussing, increase the wait intervals to 5 then 8, then 10 minutes the first night.
6.Add 3 minutes to the max wait period for every subsequent night; 30 minutes max.
7.Follow routine until A falls asleep.
8.If he wakes later, repeat from the beginning.

This is just what we came up with for our family. Not everyone will agree w/ this, but it definitely worked for us. I think one mistake (and I am not trying to be an expert, just telling you what I learned from my son while figuring this all out) is that when your son fusses/crys you are picking him up. He knows that you will pick him up so thats why he's fussing/crying. Once he learns that you are there to comfort him still, but not picking him up, he will learn how to put himself to sleep.
The last thing that helped me was a video monitor. I thought it was silly at first, but I was anxious about things when he was in his crib. The video monitor has definitely eased my anxiety and I no longer worry about him when he's sleeping. If he starts to fuss or make noise I can look at the video and SEE that is is OK w/o having to go into the room and check on him. A lot of the time he's pretty much asleep already he's just making those last few fusses before he falls asleep for good (whether it's a nap or bedtime). I have personally found a regular (but flexible) routine is helpful too. I know when my son is going to eat, sleep, wake, etc. (w/in half hour or so) b/c of the routine and it makes planning my days a breeze from making appointments to running errands. I always know that he's going to be happily fed, slept and ready to take in the world. It doesn't work for everybody, but for me it has been the one thing that has allowed me to continue w/ my life, as well as being a Mom.
I hope I have not overwhelmed you w/ all of this info. If you have ANY ANY ANY questions PLEASE PLEASE let me know. Our son sleeps 11-12 hours through the night and goes down for both naps and bedtime w/o hesitation now. I wish you all the best w/ your family. Happy Sleeping!!
~T.

M.-

What you have to say about those books makes me glad I never read them. We did something similar to a c.i.o. method, but I modified it with other advice from books, magazines and online sources.

What I ended up with was I would start the bedtime by putting baby in her crib, giving kisses, etc, and leaving the room for 2 minutes. If she was crying by the 2 minute mark I'd go in for 5 minutes and comfort her, rock, walk, sing, etc. Then I'd put her back and leave for 5. Then I'd come back for 5 more (if she needed), and leave for 10. Back again for 5 and leave again for 15... Usually by this time she'd be asleep.

Unfortunately for us moms, you can lead a child to bed, but you can't make them sleep. You really sound like you've been trying your best. That's all any of us can do. Setting consistent bedtime routines, letting baby feel safe while "helping" them learn to self-soothe is a big job! Those books can be very intimidating, if you ask me!

All I can really say is find a routine and rhythm that works for you.

Also, you may want to check baby's tummy. If it's tense with gas, that may be part of his problem. My youngest had a bad problem with gas, so we had to do Mylicon and a lot of walking at night before bed.

Good luck!
-B. M.-

I understand that you are trying all you can. But I think the real solution here is that your baby needs to still be close to his mom. Some babies need more physical attention, holding, nursing. etc. This means co-sleeping so that baby can nurse during the night & everyone gets more sleep. Crying makes your stomach & everything else hurt, because it;s a natural instinct, please go hold your baby. Read Dr. Sears book on sleeping. He says that letting your baby cry it out can promote insecurity & other problems when they get older. My son is a baby that needs lots of physical attention & I've tried this with him & it has worked wonderfully, he is slowly becoming more independent everyday. Here is a link to a great resource, please consider it. Good luck with everything!

M.,

You sound like a wonderful mother who is trying to do the best thing for her child! I have two kids, one is 2 1/2 the other is 6 months. I have allowed both children to soothe themselves to sleep (CIO I suppose). My my oldest is a great sleeper now and will go to sleep without fuss most naps and nights. I think it is important that kids learn how to self soothe! I think you are doing just the right thing by going in to soothe him if he is still crying after 10 minutes, I ususally wait 15, but whatever you are confortable with is best! I also found that my kids will usually wake at about 45 minutes to and hour after falling asleep and cry for a few minutes (sometimes a pretty loudly) but if I leave them, they will fall back asleep for another hour or sometimes more. I know it is hard to listen to your child crying, but just remember that they will not even remember this time several years from now when they are able to get to sleep and stay asleep on their own! I would not feel like a failure for letting your child cry, and in the long run it will help them to be able to sleep better. You are doing a great job! I hope this helps you!

T.

honey, try napping with your little guy, then creep away when he is fast asleep. I recommend getting the sears baby book it has tons of great ideas! My 3yo girl had the same problem when she was a baby, from 18 mos on she has been sleeping alone and has had no problems at all. I couldn't listen to her cry, at all. It broke my heart, I cannot emphasize the benefits of co sleeping enough, its worth a try! Good luck, and no matter what you do don't go against your intuition.

I see you have 20+ responses and if this is a duplicate, I'm sorry. You just seem so lost as to what to do.
What time does your son go to bed? How long does he sleep at night? Do you have him on a schedule of the same bed and nap times?
What I would do is this. Try moving his bedtime to 6ish. I know it sounds early, but the more sleep he gets the better, longer and easier he will sleep. At 11 months my daughter was waking up 2 or 3 times a night and still getting up at 5 am. We moved her bedtime from 7:30 to 6:00 and she started sleeping through the night until 7am!!! She was over tired, and when they get over tired they can't fall asleep and stay asleep.
I would also try to have him nap, at home, in his crib around the same time every day. At least for a few weeks to get him into a routine.
Also, don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. One way to look at the crying is this. You are giving him a valuable life long tool. Learning to self sooth himself to sleep. It is really a positive, although I don't last 5 mintues with the crying.
Now, I haven't read Healthy Sleep, Healthy Child by Mark Weiser-something (not sure that the name is 100% correct, but that's pretty much it and I'm not sure of the spelling of the authors last name...hence my fun spelling) but the friend who has given me so much successful sleep advice swears by his book. She also said he has a web site where you can ask him specific questions.
Best of luck and know that this won't last forever!
I almost forgot. Do you have a routine as well as a schedule? Some kids (my daughter included) needs to know what is going to happen next. So she knows when it's bath time that teeth brushing is next, then pick out 2 books that we read, then she goes to bed. Same thing every night. It really helps babies and small kids to have signals that something is about to happen...like a cat when you open a can of tuna...they hear the sound and know what's next.
You sound like you're doing an amazing job, and know that no matter how mom's act, we all have things like this that tears us up inside!

Allowing your baby to cry it out will NOT hurt him, and don't believe anyone who tells you it will!! It makes me so angry when guilt gets heaped on moms who choose this method. How do you think it makes moms who have colicky babies feel, whose babies don't respond or calm down no matter what they do? It sounds like letting him cry is allowing him to get more sleep, and learn to fall asleep on his own, unlike any other method you've tried. And THAT is the point! Without good sleep, you all suffer.

Do try reading Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, it will give you sound, research-based information. Not what every different mom thinks or feels about how bad it is to let your baby cry. From what you say, it really sounds like most of your guilt is based on what you've heard from other mothers, and whatever idea you've formed in your mind about being a good mom (keeping your baby from ever crying, soothing him whenever he does).

I also have to say, some people who have easy babies who are good sleepers get self-righteous about not letting their babies cry. I believe that if they had a child who was truly fussy and difficult, they'd change their story. Much of the "advice" friends with good sleepers gave me was worthless with my fussy baby (my first) and only made him cry more and harder (patting him, rocking him, sleeping with him, nursing to sleep, etc). A consistent bedtime routine as a means of getting them to sleep through the night? Ha, as if it could be that easy!! Crying it out, strange as it may seem, may actually be the method of fewest tears for a baby who truly has a tough time with sleeping.

Good luck - by finding and listening to GOOD, SOUND advice only, you can help your son, and yourself, sleep better!!

Hi M.,
Sorry you're having a hard time, there's nothing like this to make your nerves raw.

We never did the CIO, and we had a "poor sleeper." I realized later that there is such a thing as self soothing, but the babies learn it themselves, not from crying hysterically, but just as their nervous system matures. The cio "works" by exhausting the baby until they are too fried to do anything. Babies have to learn to sleep longer and longer periods, and they do it quicker by getting help. I found that I had to get a sense of what my son's sleep cycle was doing. If he was just grunting, he didn't wake all the way up, and fell back into a deeper sleep again without me. If he got to the point that he was crying out for us, he went back to sleep faster if we got to him faster, and slept for longer after that. If we let him get to a full-on belting wail, it took up to an hour to get him back to sleep. He gradually slept longer and longer periods.

Remember that your son is asking for you to help him, he's not just idly doing this. He still needs your soothing. Most cultures around the world respect the growing babies needs, and that this is natural for many babies.

I can't tell if you're having trouble just at naps, or at night. If it's naps, you gotta get him down when he shows any tiny sign of sleepiness, if you miss the window, he gets a second wind and gets overtired. Try to modify your day for a few days, around getting him to his nap as soon as you see signs.

Find out what is behind the crying, it could be many things. A bad story I have is that of my sister in law who was convinced you didn't have to pick up crying babies at night. Their new baby suffered for months from reflux that was giving her pain when she was laying down. It could also be an ear infection, or it could be irritation from teething. have you tried motrin or tylenol? I don't usually love chemical solutions, but this can really be a lifesaver!

Best wishes